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Overall, not enough story to judge. Sisterly rivalry is nice, but the cumbersome use of "hooded figure 1 and 2." made the beginning a little clunky. The idea of a war is pretty common, and a race for a powerful artefact is reasonable. However, the human seems wayyy too into that "infinite power" schtick. It's obvious that you plan to expand on it to something more like a way home for the person, but the way you had the human react made it seem he was in it for power/control instead of escape. Maybe try hinting at that intent through a slightly extended conversation with Celestia? Otherwise, the story seemed aight.
Below are some observations
does not seem like Luna pities Celestia here.
using paper twice in a sentence makes it flow a little worse IMO. (just felt awkward to read).
I think you meant Solstice, or am I tripping here?
I'm pretty sure you're supposed to use commas in lists like this, if not, then maybe try toning down the redundant descriptors?
11169665
Thanks so much for the feedback! I'm going to work on them right now, and as for your questions I meant to make the human have more adaptablity and strength. I want to state that the idea is he's human, he's strong but not strong enough to lift a giant boulder. I'll try to extend that line of thought next chapter, hope to receive more feedback from you as I go along.
TLDR; Human is just that, human. Not meant to be super strong or powered with magic and doesn't want power.
11169669
well yea, that's not what I take issue with. No superhuman extreme shit has been done. What I mean is that the human comes off as another power-hungry villain in this chapter because its.
"Please, lives are at stake."
"I don't care."
"...uhhh, how bout your friends and family?"
"ded."
"... How bout an artefact with infinite pow-"
"I'M IN THIS BICH."
which makes me think either hyper greedy mercenary or power-hungry villain. Especially because you just left a scene with a number of those kinds of characters. Which isn't bad in itself, but the description makes it seem like you want this human to be a hero, with this chapter was being meant to set him up as a reluctant one.
11169706
I'll make it clear next chapter but... Basically he's an alien and separates himself from ponies, he's more of an anti-hero if anything, but the idea isn't 'he is a hero' it's more like he becomes the hero.
Author's Note:
Slightly inspired by a story where Faust is trying to keep baby Celestia safe? I don't recall the name and I stopped reading it a long time ago so if anyone or anypony could help me find it again do credit it, I would greatly appreciate it
"The story's name is Preunification anon by Spooples"
11170045
Thanks so much! I tried looking for it on my own but...well there's a LOT of anon stories so thanks.
11170226
No problem happy to help
Is there a voting system that allows to vote what you should do next? If so, I join someone other than Celestia and her ponies. Just saying; this feels more like Total War Warhammer 3 factions.
Good so far despite the guy not turned into a pony, Keep it up.
More pls and thank u
11180431
A piping slice of chapter for you hot and ready!
interesting, I wonder who could be his benefactor?
seems that the human has some sort of bipolar disorder (I think that's the mood swings one) cause he seems to bounce between extremes pretty quickly. He goes from mildly hopeful to extremely pissed + arrogant to cowed + calm again. not a bad thing, just something I noticed in the second chapter
Good start, Im looking forward to more.
Im kind of hoping that this has some elements of RGRE. Good RGRE stories are finally showing up after a long time of nothing of any real substance. I think the fact that the fan base, and there for the writers are older, has helped. I may be wrong and this may not be one and thats OK if it isn't.
As for the human being bi polar like the one comment said, Im not seeing it. He seems fine to me. My personal opinion would be a teen trying to get by using his natural size/intimidation as a way to prevent problems. But agin, its only one short chapter so far, so its WAY to early to make any real guesses.
Hopefully we'll get a new chapter soon. This has caught my interest.
Monk
“Heat? isn't that when... I took a whiff of air when I smelled a smelly smell that smells smelly.” -The Kitsune
11284888
On the money with intimidation.
Two guards that what?
11382921
Shi-
AHEM what I meant was I did not realize that I didn't delete that, pay that no mind.... cough