Always enjoy writing or your stories will suffer as you do.
Gerhardt Mechanica, a lonely, old, washed up, and highly paranoid technomancer who has been betrayed far too many times in his life ends up in Equestria after an interplanetary teleportation device he was working on was destroyed when he was attacked by a gang he refused to sell weapons to. Will his paranoia get the best of him or will he be able to over come it and make friends?
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Well, intriguing start.
Two minor nitpicks. One, if you want to dissolve a body, use base instead of acid. Two, the [Location name].
But first is a trope, and second is a writing style. Overall, it's a good start.
11197485
Well, if the acid is strong enough, then it is fully capable of destroying a human body, and this is an alchemical acid and is thus at least partially magical in nature. Though I will admit I was unaware that bases were more efficient in that regard. I'll just say that Gerhardt was out of bases strong enough to do the job and just used what he had on hand and was willing to spare for the task, since he would more than likely be aware of that fact.
[Location Name]? The City of Copper? I didn't think it was that bad of a name... I'm generally not good at coming up with fake nonsense words for places. So... Yeah...Anyway, I'm glad you found it interesting!
Edit: I just realized what [Location Name] meant... My line breaks. Man, I'm dumb. Anyway, yeah, I guess I could see how that could be annoying. But they're meant as a transition tool. If I can find a smoother transition tool, I'll use it. But in the meantime, I'm afraid I'll be sticking with the brackets.
Aww this is nice. Sadly i predict it is only a matter of time before something more tragic happens
Preface: This is mostly an extension of my vote in the poll.
I am solidly of the, "this story taking priority," faction. I think there is just more to work with while simultaneously having less extra, unnecessary factors. Minimal to no amounts of gods from other planes/dimensions running amuck with this version of the story. It's a bit more personal when the characters aren't inherently having to deal with celestials or a celestial status and/or being of a high status, in comparison the previous versions. Nothing wrong with those aspects, inherently. Though starting at a simple base and maybe eventually and gradually going the route of larger scales, gods, wars, etc., can build better for the narrative. Essentially, I'm saying when you have less pieces on the board to move around and consider, it leaves you fewer options and tools to play around with but simultaneously makes it easier to focus and make those pieces work better for you.
I'm pulling a blank at the time of writing this for more, better, ways to articulate what makes me like this premise/version better than the others. I'm tired and a "few" drinks in but had to make myself get this out before I didn't do it at all. I essentially like the starting point and where it could go more. Though I will admit that that is with the knowledge and experience of reading the others so far and if you had posted any of these versions by themselves, I would have been following them... like I have been anyway. So somewhat of a moot point, I suppose.
I apologize if the length of comment does not match the potential helpfulness normally associated.
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It's perfectly okay! I am fine with any comments regardless of length. And your point of view makes perfect sense to me, you articulated it in a way that is perfectly comprehensible. And thus far it seems that the majority of people who have voted agree with you. And honestly? I also agree.
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About actual location names... there is a river caller River, a hill called Hill, and a mountain called Mountain and so forth - in our world. All happened because language differences and misunderstandings.
So, City of Copper is a fine name.
It's a great start. I like the more "human" Gerhardt. It opens up more possibilities with his character. I'm glad you're back.
11197485
While lye is the go to for your typical body disposal. A mixture of sulfuric acid and hydrogen peroxide can do wonders.
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The things you learn on magical ponies fanfiction sites... Right?
11197485
This had me laughing my ass off. Only this fandom would be full of people who know that.
Lol.
Its funny how a story about a utopia of friendship and acceptance has attracted all the miss-fits, outsiders and socially isolated people in society. Sometimes I think the only reason why we don't spawn real world super villains, necromancers, and buzz saws, is because we would have to leave the house and be social.
Were quite a group, aren't we. lol
Monk
"Thirty minutes, Celestia. I was gone for thirty minutes," he said to her in an annoyed tone. "And in that time, Canterlot has been overrun with insect-like creatures, the groom is hypnotized and unable to perform his job, and you are being flung across your own throne room by...whatever that is. In thirty minutes." -Onomonopia
The Mechanical Girl from Voltaire comes to mind, infact I started listening to it near the end of the chapter, in the dream scene. Love the story so far. Very interested!
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I have never heard of that song before but after listening to it, I love it! And yeah it fits pretty much perfectly. Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're enjoying the story!
It remind me like Adeptus Mechanicus from Warhammer 40k
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I'll admit, I did draw a bit of inspiration from the Mechanicus when coming up with Gerhardt and his religion. That being said, the Mechanicus would absolutely consider him a heretek considering he not only combines magic and technology, which is a big no no with the Mechanicus, but built an actual A.I. as his daughter. But that's fine. He could just join the Dark Mechanicum if he ever went to the Warhammer universe.
Our not so frie dly neighborhood technomancer is not going to be happy to hear that luna visited his daughter in her sleep
I really like how this story is starting.
One thing I would have thought that Gerhardt would have said to Twilight is, "Those who say they do things for others without requiring compensation always end up demanding the most from you." or something to that effect.
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I'm glad you like the direction it's going! And that's a really good line and definitely something Gerhardt would believe. To be honest, I just never thought of it and that's why it was never included otherwise I would have. That being said, Twilight is definitely smart enough to get that sort of message from him through his actions and behavior even if he never said it directly. I know it's not quite the same but it's the best I can do without going back and adding it retroactively or quoting you later.
This is something new for a stories premises, at least too my knowledge so with that I shall say I find myself interested and I hope to see more soon!
Honestly not a fan of this insane paranoid Gerhardt, there is no other way but to call it insane expecting everyone to betray you for nonsensical reasons, being as smart as he thing he is eh should know that's not generally how people work even if he doesn't trust them, especially from what we know so far he had a fairly normal life and was betrayed once.
I dunno maybe tone down the paranoia a bit, he doesn't need to remind the ponies every 5min that he'll end them if they try something.
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Fair criticism. Yeah, maybe I went a bit overboard. I'll try to tone it down in the next chapter and going forwards.
11310387
need more
Luna Luna Luna. Phrasing it like that, sort of gives the indication that you are blaming him for thinking that, which is the one thing you should not do, if you desire to help him. She's lucky Gerhardt is actually stronger than that, but still. The wrong thing to say.
When will we be expecting a next chapter
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Soon. I just had other things to take care of and I needed to figure some stuff out about the direction I wanted to take the plot.
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Well if you need some help with the plot ask your viewers
Great chapter so far. It's an very intriguing idea for a story. Or it seems to be, to me at least. I'm looking forward to seeing how this progresses.
I'm kinda reminded a little of this one story I've read on this site that I loved, I can't recall the name entirely but I know it had spark in the title (as it's own word and not as park of a name). But if this is even a little bit as good as that one was then I know it'll be good.
Edit: I just looked in my favorites folder and found the other story right away: Follows A Little Spark
hay more chapters