in another life
I wish I could say I was a brave pony.
Maybe others saw me that way. Maybe I did a good job of hiding the fear that was always there, crawling inside my body and through my veins, making my wings shiver, even on the warmest days. But, as time would tell, I was afraid. Always afraid.
Let me try something. Rainbow Dash.
What did you think of? A smoking hot blue pony who would show you a thing or two about loyalty, right? Maybe you even thought of words like confident, adventurous, competitive, athletic, fast, and perhaps even brave. For the most part, you’d be right. I am all those things, but as I said before, I’m not brave. I never was. I just did a great job at pretending.
I think Applejack knew all along. I was never able to hide anything from her. For all her talk about honesty, she was really good at enforcing it. I dunno if it was because it was me specifically, but she always seemed to be able to read me like Twilight reads books. A scrutinizing look, a raise of an eyebrow, and a snort. “You’re lyin’, Dash” she’d always say. She was always right. When was she ever not?
Oh Celestia, how I loved that pony. I’d rather be caught dead than admit it outright. I loved her. Love her. I still do. I was too afraid to tell her, so I never did. I… hope she knew, though. Although, for as much praise as I give her for being so good at calling my bluffs, that girl’s really freaking dense. Maybe I should have told her. Why didn’t I tell her? It would have been so easy. I think she loved me too.
Damn it, I was just so scared. So freaking scared. I wanted her to know, I wanted her to tell me that she loved me too. I wanted her. I wanted her to want me. But I never told her, and now I never will. Every time I ask what happened to her, the ponies… my friends… they just shake their heads. I don’t know why. Nopony will tell me anything.
She always seemed so sad, in a way that wasn’t obvious. We had a lot in common. I was pretending to be brave; she was pretending to be happy. We both saw through each other. I was made of ice, and she was made of glass. I think she shattered. She broke, and I wasn’t there to help like I should have been. She was alone, and I was afraid. And now she’s gone and I don’t even know what happened to her.
I’m still afraid. Afraid that whatever happened was my fault. I heard her crying, you know. I flew by her house and I saw her sitting outside behind the barn, crying in the middle of the day. I never went to help, I never asked if she was okay. I flew away, my heart racing. I should have done something, that was the last time I ever saw her. Maybe if I hadn’t been so cowardly, I could have helped.
I say that I don’t know what happened, but I do know what happened. If Applejack was here, she’d call me out on that bluff. If I deny it, then I don’t have to face it. Applejack is gone. She’s gone and I did nothing to prevent it. I don’t want to say it, but I know what happened. Did I mention that already?
I am a coward. I am a wimp. She was everything, and I am nothing. I am still nothing without her. Even now, I know this is a fact. I’m sorry if you can’t read this very well. My hooves are shaking, and it’s so cold. I’m so cold. I’m so scared.
Please, you have to forgive me when this is all over, okay? I never meant for all this to happen. I thought that if I flew away that night, I wouldn’t make it worse. I think... I think I did make it worse. I made it worse and now she’s gone.
It really is an awesome view. I wish that Applejack could have seen it, at least once. Earth ponies can’t walk on clouds, and while there are spells to allow them to, she never liked all that weird, funky magic business. Can’t say I blame her though. One wrong move and she’d fall through the clouds. Would I even be able to save her? Would she have even wanted me to?
I loved her. I would have saved her.
It really is a great view. Maybe someday, I’ll see it with her. At least once.
I’m so sorry. I’m a coward. I know what she did. I know I could have stopped it. I could’ve tried. But I flew away. I’m so scatterbrained. Does this make any sense? Nothing is making sense anymore. Everything is so fuzzy. I loved her. This is a great view. I loved her.
I love her. I want to see her again. Let her know I’m sorry for being so weak. I could’ve saved her. I should have saved her. I should have told her. I should have done more. But now, the only thing left to do is be with her again.
Am I brave? No. This is… This is the coward’s way out. I know I should have done more. I should do more, but I can’t. All I can do is this.
It’s getting so cold. I really picked the perfect spot, huh? At least it’ll be like falling asleep on a cloud. A nice, relaxing nap. Hey, who knows? Maybe once I get up, I’ll be able to tell her how sorry I am and how much I loved her.
Love her.
If you’re reading this, forgive me. I’m sorry. I can’t keep being a coward.
It really is a great view.
See you soon.
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Hey, this is what I wanted the story we never speak of to actually be.
11147492
great minds think alike i guess
This was really resonant, well done!
11147556
Thank you for saying that :)
This was great
Not my usual fare. And I can't tell you what made me read it. Won't tell you. I hope that it is 'just' a story.
I hate this branding so much.
It's the consensus of the majority that decides what is right, and what is wrong. And it's so damn presumptuous and hypocritical. All those speeches about free will, right out the window. Who is to decide when enough is enough? Who claims the right to decide how much one has to endure? If shying away from pain makes you a coward, does enduring it make you brave? Because that sentiment certainly doesn't feel right. Taking that last step - if it even is the last - means facing down one's own inhibitions, social stigma, guilty conscience and every hurdle society can throw in the way. And that is supposed to be cowardice.
I'm going to stop here. I meant no offense to anyone. I just felt the need to say something.
Save travels, Rainbow.
11147627
i feel like its certainly a very fine line to tread. though in rainbow dashs pov, she would probably think its cowardly. i cant be certain if thats how i fully meant it here. its been almost a year since i wrote it and while i remember why i did i cant remember exactly what i was feeling. but what i said before is true, at least to me. tough thing to talk about. thanks for your comment
11147492
What fic is that?
11147739
Hurt, but it being a story I never speak of is a bit of a joke in regards to my profile.
11147627
Calling suicide the "coward’s way out" is certainly NEVER helpful when dealing with someone who may be considering it.
11147928
If you want to talk about suicide and suicide prevention around here, you're supposed to be a lot more dramatic than just giving a bit of realistic advice like you're doing.
My usual horsewords recommendation about suicide is the somewhat low key https://www.fimfiction.net/story/386111/the-choices-we-make . It's even suitable for people who are thinking about doing it.
Author, are you okay?
11148345
I dont know how to answer this
11148347
That's okay, take your time
11148352
Haha. I mean, I’m pretty much the same as usual. Maybe some people wouldn’t consider that okay, but for me it’s just how I’ve been for years. I have bad days, and rest assured this was written during a bad day. Currently, though? Not optimal, but could be worse, so I guess it’s okay.
Thank you for asking :)
11148367
pee
11148368
truly
11148374
poo
11148382
uh huh
11148388
fart
11147627
Where do I begin with this... Okay, so AJ's views on suicide aren't necessarily what is reflected in this story. It's sort of the thing where you can apply certain standards to others that you are just... unable to apply to yourself. Like you tell your friends that they deserve the world and that they don't deserve the shit they're going through mentally, but you might apply the same standards to yourself. That's just how it is.
Now, I've known AJ for a while and I can say that he wasn't saying that he believes suicide is selfish, it was just the way dash felt in the fic, and I think that as someone who has been suicidal for a while now, I can relate to the way dash felt. She felt that way about herself at that moment, it wasn't about others that have committed suicide. Her sense of self-worth was just that shit, that she felt that she didn't even deserve to commit suicide. If you don't like the story and can't understand that it is from the character's POV and that it might be relatable to some people and the way that they personally feel (even though it isn't something you feel towards yourself) then good for you. Just don't read his shit. Good day.
11152021
I... know? I read and reread my comment several times and cannot find any point at which I might have implied otherwise. It certainly was not intended.
I don't know the author personally and I am not about to speculate about his believes. Especially not based on his work, since that would do him a disservice, I feel. Writing is a way to express oneself in whichever way one sees fit. I am well aware that it does not necessarily represent his own opinions. It is fiction, after all.
My comment was written with the topic in general in mind. And a certain mindset/opinion prevalent in a lot of people.
Was this hostility necessary?
I have no qualms with the story on a technical level. He is a talented writer. And neither do I have any issues understanding. I would never call his work 'shit', as you do for whatever reason. When he replied to my comment, he was quite polite. He did not seem offended at all, despite it being a difficult topic to discuss. I liked that. Because of that, it confuses me even more why you apparently see such a need to... defend him. There has been no attack.
Excellent story, Jay.
11152462
aw thank you :)
Damn... Dash's words in this one hit way too close to home. It was a very realistic way of portraying the mindset.
A very good little thing.
11156104
Thanks for the comment. I honestly wrote this on a whim one night, trying to kinda just throw all my feelings down as something tangible. Glad it makes sense to someone other than me (though at the same time, sorry it hits close to home)
11156197
Oh, believe me, it makes a lot of sense. Thankfully, it's not relevant anymore... at least for now. I hope writing this helped you to clear your mind
.
11156209
Yeah you know, I guess you could say that :) Thanks
This... wow. You've done it yet again. You must stop sending those onion ninjas. Do you know how difficult it is to get them out?!
11147627
I mean, it sounds like something some suicidal people would think. Heck, that's what I thought when I was attempted. Of course, that's not something you should ever say to a suicidal person.
11147976
This fic is amazing. Shame that Mono doesn't write horsewords anymore.
I've been going on somewhat of a commenting spree so don't be surprised if you get 100 notifications (jk... mostly)
11279640
Haha wow! More comments! Hope you don’t mind me replying to all of them. I didn’t ever even plan to upload this, so I was quite surprised with the reception it got. Some would say that cutting onions is my specialty, I think they’re too kind. But the ninjas? Yeah, hard to get rid of em. Thanks :)
11279892
I enjoy seeing responses to my comments! I'm making a habit of leaving comments on every worthwhile story I see, to get me into the flow of writing. Its more difficult on a tablet though, so I end up scrunitizing the hecc out of them lol. I'm gonna read every single one of your stories so expect your notifications to be spammed! And sending onion ninjas when I've got the sniffles? That's a low blow
11279914
Thats great! I really should leave more comments when I read. I’m really bad about that. I get what you mean, though, I write a lot of my stories on my phone and it’s a bit of a hassle. And uh, every story? Hoo… Some aren’t that great I’ll warn you in advance haha!
Onion ninjas take no prisoners!
That, “See you soon.” Definitely hit me in the feels. With several of my friends dealing with mental health issues, two of which have come dangerously close to suicide themselves, and that I listen to a band that focuses purely on mental health, I can definitely say that I know what Dash is going through as mentioned in her suicide note. I have written several stories with mental health themes, some involving suicide, but I’ve never actually considered taking my own life unless something really bad happens. I guess you could call me sick in the head a bit, but I’m one of the kindest people you would ever meet, that’s the honest truth. Well done with this story, it made the suicide note seem believable.
11850810
Thanks so much for the in depth comment. I hope you never get to the point of considering suicide :)
11852881
No problem!