Passed Down From Mother To Daughter
“Ugh, okay, dude—err, I mean…”
“‘S fine.”
“You sure? God, sorry.”
“Nothin’ doin’, I don’t mind.”
Rainbow Dash nodded, adjusting her legs in front of her. They bent at the knees, shaping her into an almost tight ball next to her best friend. They sat in the middle of the staircase, obstructing the path for anyone wishing to go up or down. Rainbow Dash pressed her hands down on her knees, no doubt trying to get comfortable as the faint sweat lining her brow glistened with the midday sun. They each set their water bottles down after taking a quick drink from them.
“Okay,” Rainbow Dash continued as she fidgeted once more. She shifted her weight to the side and took out a pack of gum from her rear pocket. “Well, you know I’m not the mushy type.”
Applejack shrugged. “I know.”
“I’m not the mushy type,” Rainbow Dash repeated. “But, you know you can talk to me.”
The way she said it sounded forced; as if she was speaking through a mouthful of razor blades. Applejack smirked, knowing that Rainbow Dash felt uncomfortable with emotions. She slugged her on the arm with the side of her fist. “Yeah, I know.”
“So then talk to me.”
Applejack cocked her head, swiping a stray droplet of sweat away from her temple. Rainbow Dash looked at her with forceful, yet gentle, eyes. “Huh? Oh, Dash, I told ya, I don’t wanna talk ‘bout it. It ain’t botherin’ me or anythin’.”
Ever since Rarity had ended things with her, everyone seemed to be walking on eggshells around Applejack, as if one wrong move would break her. No more favours being asked of her, no more teasing jokes or hardened looks. Even Fluttershy had gotten nicer, and that was a feat she had previously thought to be impossible! It was frustrating, to say the least.
But Rainbow Dash hadn’t changed, and that was why Applejack had still made it to their weekly workouts, even after the past excruciating month of unwarranted gentleness from their friends. Sitting together, only mildly reeking of sweat and panting heavily as the breeze cooled them down, it was like nothing had changed between the two. Applejack was still just Applejack, and Rainbow Dash was still her best friend. There had been one change, sure. Maybe a big one. But it didn’t affect their friendship or their routines.
Prismatic hair framed her furrowed brow as Rainbow Dash tightened her lips into a slight frown. “Really? Are you sure?”
Though, Applejack had to wonder why Rainbow Dash was suddenly acting this way. “Rainbow, what’s up with you?”
She blinked, shaking her head once. “What? What do you mean? Nothing’s up, AJ.”
“Well, you said it yerself, Dash,” Applejack pointed out. “Y’ain’t the mushy type, so what’s with the questions? They set ya up ta this?” She crossed her arms over her chest, trying on a firm frown.
Rainbow Dash deflated a tiny bit, her back slouching under Applejack’s gaze. “No! I just… Well, yeah,” she admitted. A blue hand swept up and ran through her hair, slicking the stray strands of her bangs back, though they bounced back almost immediately. “I’m sorry, the girls and Twi just… wanted to make sure you were okay since you weren’t really talking to them much outside school and stuff.”
Applejack groaned, leaning back and pulling her ponytail tighter. Her hair had grown a bit in the last month, but it still managed to slip out of its elastic if she didn’t tighten it enough. “It’s not that I ain’t okay, I’m just a bit sore about how they’re treatin’ me, ya know?”
“What do you mean?”
Emerald eyes trailed up to the sunny sky. White puffy clouds hung over the pair, ever so often casting their shade down as they interrupted the sun’s warm beams from reaching the ground. Applejack slid her eyes shut, letting the bright sunlight cast shapes into her eyelids as she spoke. “Ya mean ya haven’t noticed? They’re walkin’ around all careful-like around me, as if any li’l thing’ll be enough to spook me or make me cry or anger me or somethin’, I dunno. Not sure how much they know ‘bout what happened ‘tween me ‘n Rarity, but I know they know enough ‘cause I told ‘em myself when I came out.
“It’s been a month already, ‘n they act like I ain’t alright. Like they gotta keep me alright. Not sure. I get it, I guess, but it’s a li’l annoyin’, y’understand?” Applejack opened her eyes, setting her adjusting gaze on Rainbow Dash, who nodded. “Twilight’s been fine. He’s pretty much been the same, though it’s a bit awkward when he talks ‘bout Rarity. As for her, well, I haven’t really talked to her much. Though, it ain’t that we’re avoidin’ each other, but we kinda gotta split time now, ya know? I didn’t want anythin’ ta change, but it is, even if they don’t mean it like that.”
“Why don’t you tell them that?” Rainbow Dash asked, fiddling with the gum pack between her hands. “They’ll stop if you tell them to.”
Applejack gave a half-shrug. “I guess, but I dunno, they don’t mean anythin’ by it. Just tryna be careful, I reckon. Don’t wanna give ‘em the wrong idea.”
“If you want, I’ll talk to ‘em for you,” Rainbow Dash offered, gazing over to Applejack. “They won’t take it personally if I tell them. You’re right that they don’t mean anything by it—they want to support you!—but they shouldn’t change the way they act. You’re strong! You’re a badass, actually.” She smirked, which got Applejack to snort and roll her eyes. “I’m serious, AJ. You don’t let anything get you down. Not for long anyway. I admire that about you, y’know.”
That wasn’t entirely true, but she appreciated the sentiment anyway. The breeze cooled Applejack down as she smiled. Rainbow Dash returned the smile with that same fearless subtext that she always held. “Thought ya weren’t the sappy type,” Applejack teased.
“I’m not,” Rainbow Dash defended, narrowing her rose-red eyes at Applejack. “This isn’t me being sappy, this is me telling you how awesome you are, AJ! Everyone needs to be told how much ass they kick from time to time, don’t you think? Especially my best friend. Can’t have you getting all lame and making me look less awesome.”
“That’s about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard ya say,” Applejack snickered, “but you have a point. Feels nice to get that ego boost sometimes. Though I’m afraid yours’ll leak out yer ears if it gets any bigger.”
“Hey!”
“Anyway, I can tell ‘em myself. No need to act different.”
“Alright. But you wanna talk about it anyway? I hate shit like this, but I can make an exception. It sucks to keep it in,” Rainbow Dash pointed out.
Applejack clenched her fists and set her jaw. “I dunno what to tell ya. I already told y’all ‘bout the day it happened. Got back home, sure maybe I cried a bit, but I’m alright now.” She looked down at her calloused hands and sighed. “Just needed time to think. Maybe in the moment, I didn’t really get what Rarity was sayin’. I’m still me, y’know?” Her breath hitched in her throat as she realized she had started saying more than she had planned, but Rainbow Dash’s encouraging eyes and full attention egged her on.
With a sigh, she continued. “Well, I guess I didn’t really get that maybe I am different now. Or least, in the way others’re gonna see me. Can’t make Rarity like something she ain’t gonna like. I get that now, an’ we’re still friends’n nothin’s changed ‘tween me ‘n Twi or Rares ‘n Twi. Only thing that changed was stuff between Rares ‘n me. That’ll take me a li’l longer to get used to, but I’ll get over it,” Applejack finished with a shrug. “I think I pushed her into thinkin’ she had to apologize, which ain’t fair. ‘S like gettin’ mad at a cat for not eatin’ lemons when they’ll still hang around ya while you’re sippin’ lemonade.”
“What?”
“Never mind,” she chuckled. “What I’m tryin’ to say is that I was hurtin’ before, but I’m workin’ on it now. And now, I’m realizin’ that I wasn’t actin’ proper before, but I just want everythin’ to be like normal, y’know? I don’t care ‘bout anyone else or what they say. Never have. Got enough’a that from before, so I’m used to it. But I ain’t used to our friend group bein’ all weird like it is now.”
Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I don’t get all that… relationship stuff, but I get friendships. And it is weird if it all changes for no reason, but since they’re just trying to be supportive, then yeah, tell them how to do that. I mean, they were kinda weird with Twi, too, remember? But it’s totally fine now.”
“You’re right, Dash. Thanks,” Applejack replied with a smile. “You’re a real lifesaver.”
“I know,” she teased with a stuck-out tongue. “You know I’d fight for you!”
Applejack rolled her eyes and stood up. Her muscles ached and begged to be left alone, but they never won that argument. She stuck out her hand, offering it to her sweaty friend. “C’mon, partner, still gotta make it all the way back ‘fore sundown, remember? ‘R else Granny’s gonna tan my hide.”
Rainbow Dash clapped her hand to Applejack’s bigger one, allowing the much larger girl to help her up. She grinned, a challenge in her eyes as she stared at Applejack. “Can’t believe you still have a curfew. You’re a big girl!”
Applejack slapped her upside the head. “Can’t believe you have such a big head.”
By the time the two girls made it back to Sweet Apple Acres, the sun was barely lingering over the horizon. As soon as they entered the Apple family’s property, the pair slowed to a halt, bending over and panting heavily. Applejack’s mouth watered as she fought back the urge to gag.
Rainbow Dash didn’t seem much better; her tongue lolled out of her mouth as she craned her neck up, one hand still on her knee and the other squeezing water into her mouth from the bottle. The liquid dribbled down her chin as she ducked her head and squirted water down the back of her neck.
Applejack gazed at her miserably. “Hit me,” she wheezed. “I ran out.”
Rainbow Dash pointed the bottle at her, misting her with the liquid. Mixed with the cool breeze of the rapidly approaching evening, it felt wonderful on her hot skin. After Applejack’s relieved sigh, Rainbow Dash smirked and shot the bottle forward, squeezing at the same time. A stream of water splashed Applejack right between her eyes as Rainbow Dash snickered and sprinted toward the house. Applejack rubbed the water from her eyes and set off after Rainbow Dash, easily catching up to her as they both slowed to a jog.
Making sure to at least wipe most of the sweat off of themselves, Applejack turned the knob into the warm house and waited for Rainbow Dash to enter before closing the door behind them. There was never a dull moment in her home; the T.V was blaring some show that Apple Bloom liked as Winona barked in the kitchen, Granny Smith scolding her for something. The only one not making any noise was Big Mac, but he was probably up in his room anyway.
Applejack smiled and set down her drawstring bag on the mini bench near the door. Bringing an open hand to her mouth, she called, “I’m back! An’ I brought Rainbow Dash!”
From the kitchen, Granny peered over the wall. “Oh howdy, Applejack! Was about ta send the hounds ta find ya. Where you been, girlie?”
Even after a month, terms like that still made Applejack grin from ear to ear. Elated, she panted heavily, still trying to catch her breath as she led Rainbow Dash into the kitchen to speak to Granny Smith. “Ya mean Winona?”
Shaking her head, Granny slapped Applejack’s arm. “Don’t play smart with me. Ya brought yer friend here. Good thing, too! We’ve got plenty’a food ta share!”
Rainbow Dash licked her lips, inhaling the savoury smell of the food being cooked. “Smells great, Granny Smith!”
Granny Smith guffawed. “Now that there’s the smell’a real home cookin’, Rainbow Dash! The famous Apple Family Spicy Gumbo, they calls it. Well deserved, too! Recipe stays’n the family an’ only in the family. Passed down from daughter to daughter, generation to generation as soon as the eldest daughter turns thirteen.”
Rainbow Dash turned to Applejack, completely slack-jawed. “Wait, you know how to make this? And you’ve never made it for us?”
Crossing her arms, Applejack shook her head and leaned against the counter next to the stove. “I never got taught it, Dash. But Bloom got taught the recipe last year. Don’t think she’s mastered it just yet, if I’m bein’ honest,” she added with a smile.
Sheepishly, Rainbow Dash rubbed the back of her neck. “Oh, yeah, right.”
Thwacking Applejack on the arm once more, Granny Smith clicked her tongue. “Careful, child! Ya might burn yerself.”
Applejack raised her arms and sidestepped. “Reckon you’ll hurt me more than the stove.”
“Oh hush, girlie,” Granny Smith hissed. “Anyway yer friend here reminded me, I reckon it’s ‘bout time I teach ya the gumbo recipe. Next time I make it, ya better be here to learn.”
Rainbow Dash slung an arm around Applejack’s neck, though she had to stand on her tiptoes to do so and dragged down the mountainous woman down with her. “Ooh, hear that, AJ? You’re going to be taught the super-secret gumbo recipe… and then you can bring it to our potlucks…”
Grinning widely, Applejack snorted, doing her best to pass off her euphoria as annoyance with Rainbow. “Maybe if ya bring somethin’ other’n chips, I’ll consider it,” she teased, eliciting a huff from Rainbow. Pushing the athlete off her, she stuck her tongue out in feigned disgust before turning back to Granny. “But y’already taught Bloom the recipe,” she pointed out.
Granny Smith rolled her eyes and flicked the soup spoon in Applejack’s direction—something she seemed to do quite often... A large drop of gumbo stew plopped on her already dirty shirt. “Sure, but darlin’, I’m supposed ta teach it to the eldest daughter’a the family. That ain’t Apple Bloom, hun, that’s you. Even if it took us a bit ta realize it.”
Something stirred inside Applejack. Tears brimmed in her eyes, but she wasn’t going to cry! Not over gumbo! “Aw, well, I… That…” Once the words failed to come, she simply shook her head and stepped forward to wrap her arms around Granny Smith. “Thank you.”
Granny returned the hug for a moment before smacking Applejack’s arm until she let go. “Now, don’t you distract me from the cookin’! I’ll teach ya next time, but for now ya smell like one-a Mac’s ol’ gym socks! Git outta here, an’ don’t come back ‘til dinner’s done!”
Rainbow Dash saluted and bolted up the stairs, shouting a greeting to Apple Bloom who yelled one back over the noise of the TV. Applejack chuckled and rolled her eyes. “I swear, that girl acts like she lives here,” she commented to Granny before giving her a kiss on the cheek and chasing after Rainbow Dash.
Upon finding her bedroom door closed, Applejack placed her hand on the handle, but paused before opening it. Instead, she made her hand into a fist and knocked. “Hey, Dash, am I okay to come in?”
“Whaddya mean?” a muffled Rainbow Dash replied.
Applejack toyed with the hem of her shirt. “I mean, are ya changin’ or not?”
“Oh! I’m just taking my shirt off,” Rainbow responded a bit too loudly, “but you can come in, I don’t care, AJ.”
An embarrassed blush crept up to Applejack’s cheeks. “Are… you sure?”
Rainbow Dash didn’t respond at first, which left Applejack wondering if she should just wait, but before she could think about it, the door swung open. Rainbow Dash stood there sweaty and shirtless—though still with her sports bra on—with a nonchalant expression on her face.
A yelp escaped Applejack as she turned away and stared at the wall. “Rainbow Dash,” she hissed. “What the hell?”
Behind her, Rainbow Dash snorted. “What? Not like you’ve never seen boobs before, right?” She cackled and slapped the doorframe. “I’m wearing a bra. Come on, Applejack. We’re best friends and you’re a girl so… I mean, it’s pretty normal. Now, you can either stay out here and… turn into Tomatojack and risk your brother coming out of his room to see”—she gestured around herself, then to Applejack—“this, or you can just come in your room and tell me how to work your stupid shower.”
Applejack huffed sharply, ignoring the blood rushing to her face. “I can’t.”
“Sure you can,” Rainbow interjected, probably with that stupid smirk of hers.
“No, I-I really can’t,” Applejack promised, holding her hands up to the sides of her head, funneling her vision to the family picture on the wall in front of her. Was she always so goofy looking?
“I think you can,” Rainbow argued. She took a deep inhale. “Big Mac!”
Applejack’s eyes widened as she cursed under her breath. At breakneck speeds, she turned around and glared at Rainbow Dash’s stupid smug grin. Big Mac’s door creaked open, sending Applejack hurling toward her friend. “Fine, fine, get in there,” she growled as she shoved Rainbow Dash in the door.
“What?” Big Mac called from his door.
Applejack peered into the hallway with a sheepish smile to Big Mac peeking out from his room. “Nothin’! Dash is just bein’ stupid.”
With a shrug, Big Mac retreated to his room and shut the door again.
Rainbow Dash snickered as Applejack gently shut the door behind her.
“The hell was that?” Applejack yelled, turning away from Rainbow Dash.
“I knew you’d do something if I called for your brother,” she pointed out as she took a seat on Applejack’s squeaky bed.
“What if he’d seen you?”
“Oh please,” Rainbow jeered. “Big Mac’s definitely seen girls before. He has a girlfriend, doesn’t he?”
Applejack only growled in response.
“C’mon, you gotta get used to it. It’s not weird.”
“Maybe not for you,” Applejack muttered, finding a spot on the wall to stare at. “Didja forget that y’all used to kick me out whenever y’all would change into PJs?”
“Sure,” Rainbow agreed. “But it’s different now.”
Applejack sighed and rubbed her forehead. “Right, different.”
The bedsheets on Applejack’s bed shuffled as Rainbow Dash scrambled to her feet. “Hey, I didn’t mean it like—”
“I know,” Applejack interrupted. After a deep breath, she turned to Rainbow Dash and managed to look her in the eyes with a grin. “It’s fine. You wanted that shower, right? Here, I’ll show ya how it’s done. Just gimme a sec to tell Mac to stay out.”
Rainbow Dash flashed her a thumbs up and leaned back on her elbows as Applejack stalked into the bathroom and flicked the lights on. Instantly, her mind flashed back to that morning.
She could practically see herself staring into the mirror, miserably half-shaven and trembling.
“Why couldn’t I have been born a girl?”
Applejack blinked the memory away and shook her head, mindlessly rubbing her smooth cheek with a slightly shaky hand. Was her facial hair growing back in already? But she had just shaved that morning…
No, it’s fine. You’re just overreactin’.
She steadied herself and knocked on the door on the opposite side of the room. “Mac,” she called out, “don’t go in the bathroom, alright? Dash is gonna take a shower, ya hear?”
“Eeyup,” came Big Mac’s distinctly deep voice from the other side of the door.
A frown settled on her face as she replayed her own voice in her head. Pushing it down, she stared into her own room, tapping on Big Mac’s door behind her. “Dash, you can get in here now.”
It took Rainbow Dash only a moment to appear in the bathroom next to Applejack. “Get to it! I can practically smell myself, and I really want that gumbo.”
Applejack snorted and leaned into the shower, showing Rainbow Dash how to finick with the knob just right to get it to work. Rainbow Dash watched absent-mindedly, which made Applejack have to hold back a snicker. She’s gonna get sprayed with ice-cold water, she mused. Ah well. Serves her right fer not listenin’.
Ducking out of the shower, Applejack crossed her arms. “Ya got that, Dash?”
Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, yeah, wiggle it twice and inch it to the right before moving it to the left, and don’t turn it more than forty-five degrees at once. I got it.”
“Don’t take too long,” Applejack warned as she threw Rainbow a clean towel from the cabinet. “I’m fixin’ to get cleaned up too.”
Rainbow clicked her tongue in agreement as she caught the towel in her hands. “Hey, do me a favour and throw me in some clothes. I don’t remember if I packed an extra set, but if not, spot me some of yours?”
“Alright,” Applejack agreed, “but if I give ya some of mine, they’re gonna be too big,” she pointed out.
“Don’t care,” Rainbow deadpanned. “Now get out unless you really wanna see something.”
“I’m leavin’!” Applejack exclaimed, stepping out of the bathroom and pulling the door shut. She stared blankly at it for a moment before sighing and rubbing her forehead. “Oh Lord, I swear that girl drives me up the wall,” she muttered.
The pipes rumbled and groaned with water as Applejack rummaged in Rainbow Dash’s drawstring bag. Apart from some personal belongings, Applejack found that Rainbow had indeed packed clothes. Though, she lifted the… damp shirt from the bag and frowned as its odour filled the air. “Ugh, that’s gross,” she mumbled as she threw the shirt aside. The pants were fine, though, which was a relief since they were definitely not the same size pants.
From the bathroom, Rainbow Dash yelped in surprise, then let out a barely audible stream of curse words. Applejack chuckled, imagining how Granny would tan her hide if she’d heard. No matter family or not, there was absolutely no swearing around Granny Smith. She peered down at the pair of track pants Rainbow Dash had saved in her bag for who knew how long, then at her dresser.
With a shrug, Applejack approached it and opened the top drawer. She glanced at her different shirts; most of them were meant to be undershirts worn under button-ups, but she also had t-shirts that could be worn alone. After considering her options for a total of one second, she picked out a black shirt that she hoped wouldn’t swim on Rainbow Dash’s little body and threw it on the pile of her other clothes, then picked it all up and knocked on the bathroom door.
“I’m comin’ in to leave yer clothes on the ground,” she warned. The only response she got was some kind of loud grunt from Rainbow Dash. She opened the door, practically threw in the clothes into the hot bathroom and shut the door again. The steam was so hot it managed to make her flush. “Sheesh, Rae, you cookin’ a lobster?” she muttered and wiped beneath her nose.
With a sigh, Applejack paced around her room. Her hands resorted to playing with the hem of her shirt until she realized what she was doing and grunted. “She takes the longest showers,” she muttered, though only five minutes had gone by and she knew it. Her sore legs finally begged her to stop, and she finally listened, throwing herself back onto her bed with a heavy huff. Her own stench flew back at her as the blankets whiffed around her.
“Hmm, I really need to get rid of these clothes,” she complained as she listened to the water rush through the pipes. Her arms tingled at her sides as she stared at the ceiling with a frown. The tips of her fingers twitched as she thought about moving them. Her sweaty shirt clung to her skin in a way that grew more and more uncomfortable the more she thought about it.
You could just take it off. Nothin’ to hide under there.
Applejack furrowed her brow as she gripped the shirt in her palms. She sat up and stared down at the muscle tank reserved for exercise.
It’s not like she ain’t seen it before. You’ve been to the beach with all your friends.
But it felt wrong. Her hands shook with her grip as her hold on the bottom of the shirt tightened.
Look at yourself. That ain’t right.
Applejack bit her lip.
You ain’t right.
The door clicked. Applejack snapped her head up to watch Rainbow Dash emerge from a cloud of steam, wearing a fresh change of clothes, though the shirt was definitely way too big for her. Her long, polychromatic hair hung like noodles on her head as she rubbed the towel viciously on it. “Wooh, now I’m feeling refreshed! Sorry for taking so long, AJ.”
Applejack said something that wasn’t words in response.
Rainbow dropped the towel from her head and shook out her now damp but still fluffy hair. She paused mid shake as her eyes fell on Applejack. “Woah, uh, you okay?”
The words echoed in her head as Applejack glanced at herself. Her hands released their grip and she sat up straight, unclenching her jaw and cleared her throat. “Uh. Yeah, just got… lost in thought.”
Rainbow frowned and smacked the side of her head, then the other. “Good or bad?”
“Bad,” Applejack admitted.
“Sorry.”
“‘S fine.”
Water sprayed Applejack as Rainbow shook her head like a dog. “You wanna talk about it? Or do you wanna shower first?”
Applejack hunched over and stared at her hands for a moment as they trembled. She took a deep breath and clenched them. “Maybe… uh… maybe after.”
“Okay,” Rainbow Dash agreed. “Shower’s all yours, then AJ.”
Absently, Applejack stood. “Thanks.” She walked to the bathroom, entered the still steamy room and shut the door. Making sure to face away from the mirror, she grabbed her towel from behind the door and brought it closer to the shower. Her eyes stung as she blinked away the heat.
C’mon, just get it over with. Nothin’s changed. It’s the same as every day.
Applejack swallowed dryly as she slid her shirt over her head. The air felt thick around her as her still-sweaty chest was struck by the humid room’s environment.
See? It’s wrong, like always.
“Stop,” she whispered to herself. “Not again.” Applejack threw the shirt across the bathroom and held her head in her hands. “It’s fine, just breathe,” she instructed.
But she wouldn’t listen.
You’re so close to seein’ the truth. Take off your pants. It’s easy.
Can’t shower in pants. Applejack fumbled with the top of her sweatpants, stretching it out, but hesitating to pull them down.
Easy. You’ll see!
Applejack gritted her teeth and pulled off her sweatpants, leaving her in stupid red boxers. They were uncomfortably loose and always bunched up in her pants, but at least they weren’t tight against her.
That would be worse. At least she could almost forget she had a—
Wrong.
You’re wrong.
Applejack’s knees buckled as she slid down the wall into a fetal position. Skin against her own skin, Applejack hugged her knees to her stupid flat chest and bit her lip.
Hah! See, you’re wrong. Don’t matter what they say. Can’t pretend.
“No,” Applejack mumbled, blinking away tears. Her surroundings faded into blackness as she stared dead ahead at the shirt she had stripped herself from. “No, G-Granny’s gonna teach me the recipe,” she cried. “C-cause I’m the eldest d-daughter here.”
That’s why Rarity ain’t want ya. She can’t even pretend you’re somethin’ you ain’t.
Tears stung in her eyes as her vision blurred. Applejack covered her face with her large hands and winced. “No, d-don’t cry,” she pleaded to herself under her breath. “Dash is right outside. Just shower’n you’ll feel better.”
Talking to herself was a great coping mechanism. Unfortunately, it was much too audible.
From the other side of both doors came simultaneous knocks. Applejack tensed up and held her breath.
“You okay?” her brother and her best friend asked almost in sync.
Applejack bit her tongue and found herself unable to say anything.
Stupid. You’re only upset ‘cause ya know I’m right.
“AJ?” Big Mac’s voice drifted in.
Rainbow Dash’s came next. “You good?”
You’re not good. Look at you. Remember Rainbow Dash? Does she look like you? Are you good?
“No,” Applejack croaked out. “No! I ain’t,” she forced out louder, practically yelling it this time. Her fingernails dug into her biceps as she repeated the simple answer, unsure if her staggered breath was from crying or from the yelling. Was she even crying or was it sweat? She didn’t cry!
Both doors opened simultaneously. The world rushed back into view as Big Mac and Rainbow Dash both entered hurriedly into the room. They glanced at each other briefly, then down at the near-naked Applejack as she pulled at her blonde hair.
“I ain’t good,” she admitted miserably. She took a shaky breath, her entire body tensing with the effort. Rainbow Dash and Big Mac each kneeled at her sides, though they seemed unsure about what to do.
Applejack tightened her grip on her hair, ignoring the ache it caused her scalp. “I thought I was okay, really. This whole time, ever since that day, I thought I was right as rain but…” she hiccuped and shook her head. She hated admitting defeat, and this would mean she lost to herself. Though, she had to tell the truth. “But I haven’t been. I don’t think I ever will be.”
Big Mac was the first to try his luck. He placed a heavy, but gentle, hand on Applejack’s bare shoulder. “It’s okay to not be okay,” he drawled out deeply. “Sometimes, it’s easy to trick ourselves into thinkin’ we’re okay when we really ain’t. Makes fallin’ apart a lot worse, though.”
Applejack nodded weakly, trying her best to choke down the sobs. She couldn’t cry! Especially not in front of Rainbow Dash. But… she figured maybe it was too late for that. “I know, I just…”
“D’ya wanna talk about it?” Big Mac asked.
“I dunno,” Applejack mumbled, palming away tears or sweat or snot or whatever it was that dripped on her face. She gave Rainbow Dash a glance. Her best friend seemed unsure of what to do as her eyes trailed mostly around the room but not ever fully at Applejack herself. The blonde frowned and shut her eyes.
She can’t even look at you now that she can’t pretend you’re somethin’ you ain’t.
Applejack shook her head and clicked her tongue. “Rainbow Dash?”
Finally, Rainbow’s rose-red eyes fell on hers. “Yeah?”
“D...Do ya think I’m…” Her voice fell flat as the words seemed to escape her. Frustrated, Applejack gestured to Rainbow Dash.
“What?” Rainbow asked, seemingly almost amused judging by her half-smirk.
Applejack snorted and rolled her eyes, completely unimpressed. “Never mind.”
Rainbow Dash shifted next to her. “N-no, c’mon, AJ! What’s up?”
She wasn’t even sure she wanted to be having this conversation. Why couldn’t she just get up, shower, and move on? Then she wouldn’t have had to bother her brother and her friend. She definitely wouldn’t have had to embarrass herself the way she did. Her body itched at the thought, and she curled up even tighter, trying to cover her exposed skin even though she knew it wasn’t a new sight.
“Ya want a towel?” Big Mac offered.
Applejack nodded, thankful for her brother who knew how to read her like a book. Big Mac peered up and around, finding the towel barely within reaching distance. He leaned up and grasped for it, then threw it around Applejack’s shoulders. Applejack clutched the towel and pulled it around her, trying to hide in it. “Thanks,” she muttered.
With a thump, Rainbow Dash sat next to her. “Were you trying to ask if you are a girl?”
Well, that was close enough. She didn’t even know how to put her original question into words, so she nodded.
Rainbow Dash scoffed with a grin. “Well, Jesus, Applejack, of course.” She prodded Applejack’s arm with a finger, catching the blonde’s attention. “I mean, look, I know you don’t like lying. You’re really tall and stuff, and, and maybe you look… well, y’know.”
Applejack huffed.
“But that doesn’t mean anything! You’re still a girl,” she promised. “Why do you think I was trying to get you to see that earlier? I don’t think of you as a boy anymore, and neither does your family or our friends.”
The punch that replaced Rainbow Dash’s finger served to make Applejack smile.
“Maybe some people will. Hell, some people still want to, uh, misgender Twilight, and he doesn’t really look like a girl anymore! So people suck,” Rainbow pointed out. “Yeah, they suck, but that’s why you have us, okay, AJ? You have me, and I’m willing to fight for you, remember?”
Big Mac let out a chuckle as Applejack smiled at Rainbow Dash. “Well,” she croaked out, “I don’t want you gettin’ arrested again.”
“Oh, shut up, we swore to not talk about that again.”
Applejack laughed and pulled the towel tighter. “Means a lot, RD. Seriously. I think sometimes I get too caught up in worryin’ what other people might think. I thought I didn’t care, but I do. To be honest, I dunno if I wanna try an’... change my body, y’know? Too much to lose.”
“Sure.”
“But I’m definitely not sure yet,” Applejack admitted. “I dunno, I’ll have to wait ‘til I start thinkin’ ‘bout all that. I’m still just tryin’ to get used to… bein’ me, y’know?”
“Well, whatever you decide, we’ll be here for ya,” Big Mac promised next to Applejack. On her other side, Rainbow Dash nodded in agreement.
Their promise didn’t fix it or make her worries go away, but it helped Applejack smile, and she figured that was enough for now. “Thanks, y’all. Now, I reckon I stink, so… I’m gonna shower.”
“Yeah, you need it,” Rainbow teased.
“Eeyup,” Big Mac agreed with a smile.
Smacking both of them on the arm, Applejack shoved them. “Git outta here, you varmints,” she ordered as Big Mac and Rainbow Dash scrambled back out of the respective doors they came in. She sat on the tiled floor for a moment before pulling herself together and stood up. The cry drained her further and made her even more tired, but she managed to get ready to shower.
Time seemed to slip by as she let the cold water fall over her body. She shut her eyes and let herself go on autopilot as she rubbed the sweat and grime off of her. At least Rainbow Dash using up the hot water enticed Applejack to shower faster. She found herself scrubbing shampoo into her hair and out of it almost as quickly as it came in. Ignoring everything below her neck was mostly easy, and she quickly found herself drying off with a towel.
She didn’t even remember bringing in a change of clothes for herself, and yet, there were some clean work duds on the counter when she stepped out. Maybe Big Mac had brought them to her? She definitely hoped Rainbow Dash hadn’t been looking in her drawers.
Regardless, she pulled on the clothes as fast as she could and rubbed her hair voraciously with the towel, getting it as dry as she could before stepping out of the bathroom and back into her room. To her surprise, Apple Bloom was in the room with Rainbow Dash, though they both shut themselves up as soon as she stepped in.
Apple Bloom waved. “Hey, Applejack! You okay?”
“Yup, I’m fine now,” Applejack answered honestly, running a hand through her damp, stringy hair. It was just a bit past shoulder length now, which served to plaster a smile on her face. “Why, did Dash tell ya what happened?”
“I just kinda heard ya cryin’ or yellin’ or somethin’, so I came up to check, but by the time I did, you were already showerin’,” she explained. “Big Mac and Rainbow Dash were just tellin’ me you needed some cheerin’ up so I wanted to give ya a big hug if that’s okay.”
“Aw, ‘course that’s okay, sugarcube,” she confirmed as Apple Bloom ran to her and wrapped her arms around her torso. She was barely tall enough for Applejack to hug her back around her neck, but she fit perfectly so. “Thanks, Bloom.”
Apple Bloom tightened her squeeze before letting go. “Of course! Oh, an’ Granny told me she was gonna teach you the gumbo recipe,” Apple Bloom said with a smile. “So maybe I can help ya with that when she does.”
Applejack chuckled, trying to imagine how that would work out. Apple Bloom wasn’t the best cook, but she appreciated the gesture anyway. “Sure. Would be nice to learn it from the master.”
Apple Bloom’s cheeks flushed as she looked away. “Aw, well, I ain’t that good at it just yet,” she admitted.
Rainbow Dash groaned, reminding the two of her presence in the room. “Ugggghhhh, you guys are making me hungry with all this gumbo talk.”
“You’re always hungry,” Applejack teased.
“Exactly! Can we go down now?”
Apple Bloom giggled and nodded. “Well, Granny’s all done with it now if y’all wanna come eat.”
At the idea of actually getting to eat, Applejack’s stomach growled. She glanced at Rainbow Dash, who all but salivated. The blonde chuckled and nodded. “Yeah, let’s go grab some food.”
Apple Bloom and Rainbow Dash cheered in tandem as they ran out of the room together. Applejack rolled her eyes and hung up her towel. She followed them out but lingered at the doorway. Her eyes drifted back into the room that had housed her for most of her life. It remained the same for her whole life; unchanging. Her belongings stayed neatly tidied, though she had been letting herself slack with the cleaning lately, organized on shelves and anywhere there was space. Particularly, she caught sight of an old, worn baseball and smiled fondly at it.
“I wonder what Pa would think,” she mused sadly. Logically, she knew that it didn’t really matter, but she always wanted to make her parents proud. Could she still do that?
Probably. All that her Ma wanted her children to do was to stay true to themselves and not let anyone else dictate how they lived their lives. Maybe Applejack was too young to understand what that truly meant when she had first heard it, but she understood now. Her parents wanted their kids to lead healthy, happy, long lives.
As for Applejack, she planned on doing just that. Her eyes lingered on her mother’s guitar, tucked carefully in the corner of her room next to her bass guitar. The road may be uncertain, but Applejack planned to cruise down it with as few regrets as she could muster. Whatever that meant, she’d have to find out.
Slowly, as if moving too fast would break something, Applejack ducked away and closed the door behind her. She patted down her plaid button-up and slowly followed the scent of the traditional Apple family dinner.
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Always enjoy another Transverse fic. Keep 'em coming, please!
Hype!!!
11062562
... What.
Anyway loved the story. I hadn't read the prequel but now got to read all in a row very nicely. Love this verse!
Thank you for writing these :)
11062553
I definitely want to! They’re fun to write and the AU lives rent free in my mind haha. Thanks for the comment:)
11062591
Hype!!!
11062642
Thanks for the comment! I’m glad you enjoyed and thanks for checking out the prequel too :)
11062665
Thanks for reading them :) means the world
God, Applejack’s whole tirade about her taking off her shirt and realizing that she hates what she thought she didn’t mind, it hit so hard. I almost teared up, seeing Applejack’s doubts try and bring her down, because that also hit me so hard.
I don’t really have much else, but I do want to say that Dashie relived the tension pretty nicely. I knew I named myself after her for a reason.
11062772
Definitely. I think its something that a lot of trans people go through, even if they do end up eventually not minding whatever they were hating before. Happened to me where I absolutely hated some stuff about me, but I ended up just kind of realizing that... well, whatever. AJ thought she didn’t care, but realizing she cared more than she thought was pretty hard. Maybe eventually she won’t mind.
Sorry to hit you so hard but thanks for reading :>
Thanks for the comment, and yeah, Dash is definitely a great friend
11062781
On the contrary, if you hit me hard, I feel that it’s almost certainly worth reading.
There was a feeling I got while I was reading this fic, and it only grew stronger as I chewed and savored the almost 7000 words within it. It reminded me of home. Not in the traditional sense where I'd go to the house my parents were, as my parents were nowhere in the realm of kind or homely. But rather, in that warm, comfortable feeling I got when I stepped through the door to my friend's house knowing I'd get to spend the night and the next day with them. Reading this reminded me of Cuban lemonade, or at least, that's what my friends had called it when I was young.
That is to say, this fic was unconventional, down to earth, and like the brown sugar lemonade, sweet-sour and bitter, but one simply cannot stop themselves from having a second glass... Or a third... Or a pitcher.
Like I usually do with comments, I want to get the technicalities out of the way before I start fawning. With this particular piece, the pacing took its time to deliver an incredibly natural, grounded, and charming story to the reader! Your talent, Jay, lies partially in the little details, like Rainbow Dash trying to adjust her hair, only for it to go right back, or when she fiddled with a pack of gum. It's when Applejack closes her eyes and sees the light of the sun and the shapes of the clouds shift across her shut eyelids. It's when AJ knocks on her brother's door, it's the bathroom setup, it's the feeling of Applejack's home being lived in and lively in the distinct Apple way! It's Rainbow Dash stumbling in the shower and taking all the hot water.
Though you have a remarkable talent for grounding your stories in cozy reality, you also have a supreme penmanship for writing natural characters and an extraordinary precision with writing emotions. The way Applejack's friends are characterized in this is simply awe-inspiring! You didn't even write dialogue for them, but their emotions came through, and they were a nuanced, nervous, understandable feeling! Rainbow Dash wanting to be supportive without being too sappy, Big Mac being a recluse, but genuinely caring when it counted, Granny Smith being supportive while still remaining scrappy and strict. But also the feeling of dysphoria suddenly crashing down on Applejack. The way it happened to Applejack, and even the way she talked to herself and the voice in her head berated her, and the way she still couldn't grasp Rainbow Dash really considered her a girl, it was some of the most superlative writing I've seen on this matter in a long time. Not just because the way you did it was authentic and masterfully done, but because it was done so well and so in character at the same time. That's an insanely hard balance to strike, and you did so flawlessly.
Now onto the fawning.
Whenever I read a fic like yours, they always suck me in and make me forget I'm reading them. It's more like I'm living through the words than I am reading them and imagining the scenes play out. It's like I'm watching the piece, not reading it. Whether that's in the sublime feeling of the Apple home, or the emotional sharpshooting you do that manages to hit a bullseye with each shot, or in laughing at the jokes you've sprinkled in the story. I never read them, I always savor them like I'm replaying a memory.
Beyond that, I've been really loving the way you've been writing the transverse stories, and this one in particular is no different. I love the way you navigate through the plot, and carefully arrange each event and emotion and dialogue to always add to the quality of the piece and move things along while still remaining grounded! The endings are always such a stellar emotional haze that I can't help but feel when I was in such a fog! And with this fic, I love that Applejack has all the support in the world from her friends and her family for being trans, but that still doesn't change the breakup with Rarity affecting Applejack, even if she understands the why. It doesn't change that she still feels wrong. There's always more than one emotional throughline tying the stories you write together, and that's not only masterful writing, but it's realistic in a way that's so hard to capture and talk about, let alone do so in an amazing and creative fashion like you've done!!
My parting words to you, Jay, would be that you've got an insane degree of talent with writing fics like these, and you can only go up from here! I cannot wait to see the next thing you write, in general, and in this series!! Truly, astounding, incredible work!!
11063187
Oh! Gosh! I can’t even begin to explain how much your comment made me smile. I’ve never really had these specific nuances of my writing pointed out, so it is definitely curious to see what you think stands out. I always thought that my characterization was probably one of the better aspects of my writing. I’m glad to see you agree!
I had honestly no idea really what to say in response to this because its just such a good comment but just gosh, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Especially considering I wasn’t exactly even sure about this fic when I started writing it. I put it off for so long because I wasn’t satisfied, but I am glad I saw it through :) Thanks again
This hurt to read for me, because it reminds me of a friend that went trans and then completely out of the blue comitted suicide . .
11063304
Oh im sorry to hear that :(
You really do have this powerful sense for what words will suck me into your work and leave me in a satisfied melancholy when they let go. Whether it's something harrowing or just an absolute warm comfy blanket like this, I am consumed by the prose, and I never want to be let free.
I mean it when I say you're one of my favorite writers on this site, and I strive to give my writing, whatever form it may take, half the power you grant imbue into yours.
11063411
Ohh ahh oh my god thank you so much!!! that means the world to me omfg. I’m sure your writing is awesome!
A lot of food for thought here. I have had four people in my environment going through the battle of transgenderism (is that even a word?), two of which are friends. They all had surgeries and such. I can see how if you are still figuring it out you will wait with any medical procedures. AJ seems pretty sure of herself though. I already find it hard to imagine what it's like, the search for answers and identity as a transgender. If you have answered that question for yourself yet you are struggling with the question of having any procedures done... That must really mess with AJ. Especially considering how much her current body seems to bother her still.
It's the little things that really get ya.
Very sweet. AJ has a rough road, but supportive family and friends who have her back. <3
11103307
Yes! She has a great support system :)
If you really squint your eyes, rotate your head, mess with all the settings on your monitor, and stand 30 feet away… that cover image looks kinda like a depressed Perry the Platypus drinking alone at a bar.
11163990
HAHAHA this is the best comment
As a trans woman, this brought a tear to my eye. Hate to admit it, but even almost a year into doing hormones and other stuff I still have issues registering my body as actually mine, if that makes sense. But that’s the struggle we all go through, I think.
Thank you for writing this story.
11203584
I appreciate your input on this story as a trans woman. Sometimes I worry that I’m not doing it justice since I’m not a trans woman, and I definitely don’t want to do wrong to my trans sisters, but I’ve gotten many nice words from other trans women like yourself. I’m just glad that it is able to resonate with you. Transition is a tricky thing, and while I haven’t started my hormonal transition, I do pass as male more often than not and I understand what you mean. It’s hard to see yourself as you sometimes, so yes, what you said did make sense. Thank you for reading it, and for the comment :)
This is just... wow. You are incredibly talented! And it's always great to see supportive family. My parents are super queerphobic so I'm just waiting out here. The whole episode of AJ undressing hit me soooo hard. I'm afab so I don't really know how it's like to be a trans woman, but this is so well done.
11279556
Hey thanks for the comment!! Means a lot. Sorry to hear that your family is queerphobic. I hope that they come to their senses or, if anything, that you’re able to be in a place where that doesn’t affect you. Im not a trans woman either, I’m actually trans in the opposite direction, but I have lots of trans women friends! So I can take my own experiences and feelings and experiences i hear from them to help me write, apparently it works because I get to see so many nice comments like yours :)
Thanks again :)
Thank you for writing this fic, I found myself crying as the pain AJ feels is one I have never been able to let out myself. 4 years on hormones and I still find myself not really able to cope entirely yet or accept that I am trans, and never will be cis. Yet I am glad to see a world where someone has such great friends to support her, and a family she can feel comfortable to cry around and tell the truth. My own might have accepted me but I never could share my true feelings about stuff..
Looking forward to more if you'll write more, this setting is amazing.
11551131
Thanks for the comment. In a way I’m glad that the story had some kind of personal meaning to you but at the same time, it’s a little unfortunate. I am glad you can take something good out of it, though. I understand what you mean, though, about still not having really accepted that you’re trans. I’m in the same boat. But again, I just wanted to say thanks for the comment. I do want to write more in this universe, it’s always met with the kindest reception despite the hateful people out there and it always seems to affect people in one way or another.
11551230
Ah sorry, that I cried about it isn't necessarily a bad thing. While it hurts, being able to elicit an emotional response tends to be for me at least one of the highest praises I can give.
I wish you the best moving forward!
11551369
Oh dont worry! I understood what you meant :) I guess I worded my reply wrong. But thanks! The best to you as well