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A dozen unicorns have been drawn towards a mysterious mansion on a hill on the outskirts of Ponyville. Tasked with finding out why, Twilight and her friends enter themselves, only to fall victim to the spirit within, who can control every aspect of the house.
Then, influenced by the spirit, one of them becomes a traitor to serve his nefarious purposes. How long can the ponies hold out before they are all destroyed?
Written for the Change of Pace contest by HapHazred
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Oooo. That was pretty sick.
They found out Rarity's identity quicker than I expected. This monster isn't very smart, although his fighting prowess may more than make up for it.
I really enjoyed this story- I was curious as to how one would pull off three major character deaths within 4 chapters (and 8k words), and you did it great! Everything from the dialogue, actions and choices of each pony felt superbly in-character and the settings gave the mysterious, dark and terrifying aura you were going for. Kudos!
Edit: I also noticed this was written convincingly like an episode, and now realised you were entering it for Hap's contest- so good luck on that too!
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Aww, thanks! Glad to know you enjoyed it!
Arcane Kryptonite Factor is never a good sign...
Spooky story for a spooky month!
Congrats on the feature!
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Oh shoot, you're right! I didn't even bother to check the Featured page!
Your pacing technique is well-done in this story. Starts very slow, literally, with them first walking through the abandoned house and slowly observing every detail, followed by the sudden death of demon-processed Rarity that suddenly made things flow so much faster.
The ending was touching, but to be honest this type of horror doesn't do much for me. The "mysterious abandoned house possessed by demonic spirit" trope is kind of overused in horror. Doesn't mean that others won't enjoy this, though.
And congratulants for the Feature.
You can check this bookshelf to know if your story was featured for any period of time. Unfortunately it won't tell you the peak ranking, or how long it stayed featured.
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Thanks for letting me know. I realized it was a stereotypical horror premise from its very inception, but I wanted to make it my own. Instead of making it all about the haunted house, I simply made it the vehicle for more important issues of betrayal, loss of loved ones, survivor's guilt, being forced to do things you might not like, the fleeting time you have on earth, how far one would go to prolong their life, etc. Blood and guts and haunts and scares are all good things in horror, but we want the reader to be spooked, and not disgusted, so they must be accessories to the story, and not the story itself. It's why so many creepypastas and Five Nights at Freddy's fanfictions come across as corny and overblown. They focus too much on the creepy and bloody things that happen, rather than why they happen.
Also, quick footnote, there are some who are a bit upset this didn't end up like a game of Among Us, with suspicion and distrust as to who is the traitor, but that wasn't the point. I wanted to focus on something timeless, and not a passing trend.
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To be fair, stories like that have been around for a while. Among Us is just the latest popular manifestation of it.
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Sure, but if I did it now, they would assume I did it because the game is trending.
After reading this you will turn around and.....die.
Nice JoJo reference! I was getting a DIO's Mansion feel from this.
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Thanks. Avdol deserved better treatment.
https://youtu.be/mqVY1YemHLc
Something scary but interesting attracts me here.
avatar game
The experience had tested their bonds and their strength, but Twilight and her friends emerged stronger than ever. They had faced the darkness within and prevailed, reminding themselves that true friendship can conquer any challenge, bitlife even when surrounded by betrayal and uncertainty.
"The House on the Hill" presents a captivating and dark narrative, skillfully blending elements of mystery and horror. The characterization and plot development are impressively crafted, drawing the reader into the eerie atmosphere of the haunted mansion. The way the story handles themes of betrayal and survival adds depth, making it more than just a typical horror tale. It's a compelling read for anyone interested in suspenseful and thought-provoking storytelling.
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Is that a review from ChatGPT?