Well this is were a Brony has a been bullied by every one for being a brony and even his family resents him and he has had enough and make a wish to be in Equestria, but didn't think it would come true, but it did and he was wearing a Lantern Ring of Sinestor Corps and a pendent of said corps. The ring gives him powers like the Sinestor Corps Power rings. Will Our hero ever make it back or will he be stuck their forever? Will he even want to go back? Why am I asking you people I'm the writer. was once know as The Seventh Element of Harmony. Also this is like a Green lantern Crossoverish both pics in cover are the same guy just at different point in the story.
Chapters (1)
Really not sure if this is a trollfic or not.
1132787 Probably a troll fic. Nobody writes this bad.
You've slain me!
Alas!
You've bled me dry!
1132802 I hope so.
1132809 If this is an actual fic... images.wikia.com/aceattorney/images/0/0d/Von_Karma_Breakdown_2.gif God help us all...
1132820 If this is an actual fic... Celestia help us all. Because God is clearly not paying attention.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/232/114/e39.png
1132809
I second that. The amount of errors in the title itself is unbearable. *Pull out megaphone* HEY, DRAGON! THERE'S THIS NEW THING CALLED SPELL CHECK. YOU DHOULD CHECK IT OUT!
1132838 If this is an actual fic then we're gonna need someone better than Celestia. Someone like court-records.net/animation/franziska-whip.gif
I think this just gave me eye-AIDS.
1132875 It even made Franny cry :( court-records.net/animation/franziska-cries(a).gif
1132885
i.imgur.com/nojWx.gif
Fuck everything. Fuck life. Fuck breathing. Fuck a sausage dog. Wait, disregard that last 'un.
Very good fic 10/10 will read again
Bad. So very, very, bad.
1132902 FUCK IT I'M BRINGING IN BADD TO ARREST THIS HORRIBLE FIC! court-records.net/animationgk/badou-reflection(d).gif
This is a very good trollfic. I've seen some crappy trollfics, but this is a good one. It exemplifies everything I look for in a trollfic. It is bad without the poor quality seeming forced, like in some that I've read. It's just naturally bad.
1132873 I don't think that would be sufficient. Perhaps we need... I have to think about this.
The mary sue alicorn OC produced by the unholy union of Princess Celestia and Nightmare Moon. Luna can watch too.
1133031 Wouldn't that classify as bad writing though? A trollfic is intentionally written like shit, but this seems to be written write out of someone's asshole. court-records.net/animationHD/adrian_3-2/Thumbs/Animation_007.gif
My grammar nazi senses are going everywhere
. It's a good idea, but you really need to work on your writing 
1133048 If we keep in mind the true essence of trolling itself, that is to say, the deliberate attempt by one party to irritate or disturb another, typically through some indirect means such as a fanfiction, then we see that it shouldn't look like the author is going out of their way to make it a trollfic, else the troll is not successful; thus the ideal trollfic becomes nigh indistinguishable from the poorly written fics which it emulates, and can be oft mistaken for such.
1133165 I see where you're coming from. This is remarkable logic. i304.photobucket.com/albums/nn183/iAzreMoon/KyouyaObjectionPoint.gif
1133205 Thanks.
You're doin' it wrong, mate.
1133165
There is, however, the rare cases of a beautifully-written, poetic masterpiece of literature being entered into the realm by an author who meant it to be meaningful, purposeful, and yet, there are those who do vehemently declare it a 'trollfic,' when it was not truly meant as anything of the sort.
Not that I'm aware of that personally. Nope.
Certainly wouldn't be pimpin' my own stories out, neither. ESPECIALLY not in a dingy corner where everyone's been disappointed and needs a tasty treat, nosireebob.
1133432 I don't see how anything that could be considered "a beautifully-written, poetic masterpiece of literature" could possibly be mistaken for a trollfic... It's possible, but I don't see that happening.
Well haven't read the fic but noting that the account is less then 4 hours old at this time and that a 9 chapter story is already on it and happens to hit on about as many cliches as seems possible even just in the description I do believe it must be troll fic.
1133443
BECAUSE SOMEPONIES CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH UP IN THEIR FACE.
In any case, I declare this a biohazard area. Everyone back away and go to your nearest clinic for a radiation reading, please. Chemo is complimentary.
1133513 Really? I don't think I know anypony like that. Odd.
There's just no way that we can win,
That was a masterpiece!
He writes too hard because he's not a mortal man!
this me now and yes it BLOOD
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJrMjAxMi8wOC8yMi8wMl8xMl8yNF8xNjVfNzk2NTZfX1VOT1BUX19waW5raWVfcGllX2dyaW1kYXJrX2Jsb29kX3dldF9tYW5lX3Nob3dlcl9hcnRpc3Rfbm90ZXhhY3RseXdyb25nBjoGRVQ/79656__pinkie-pie_grimdark_blood_wet-mane_shower_artist-notexactlywrong.jpg
WAT
I'm going to pretend I never saw this.
noooooooo
ZebraGirl
what?
1151392
He is dead
See who................................?
ZebraGirl
you will have to wait and find out
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/choo-choo-motherfucker.jpg
1182987 Hope you know that you can click that little button on the top left had corner of their comment to reply to the comment instead of saying their name. That way, they don't have to worry about coming back to the comments to see what you said, if you said anything.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-tseriously.png
This is just completely bad on many levels. I didn't even read it because it broken too many of my requirements that I look for in a fan fictions. Bad grammar, Not all capitalized words, such as your title and your chapter titles. OCxMane6 is almost always not good, such as this one, and it is even a HiE. I could really tell you all the mistakes made in this story, but I think this is a trollfic so it wouldn't matter. Also, it would probably leave you with 30 pages of grammatical errors and everything. There is no point in telling you to fix anything because the story itself is bad, and the content doesn't make it any better. So, I will leave my comment at this and just say this: It's bad, really bad, and the best thing for you is to write a newer one, but a better one. A lot better.cdn.broni.es/images/emotes/mlp-sannoy.png
I think this is clearly a trollfic. Literally.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/246/d/4/choo_choo_motherfucker_by_thorlol-d5dggjp.jpg
WHOOSH!
1133628
Ha! Tenacious D reference! The most entertaining thing here!
1205684
I've seen OCXMane 6 ships done right before.
Silver out!
Reads first paragraph...
Me: Retreat! AestheticB's The Immortal Game, save me!
Silver out!
-Cover has two over-stylized OC's, one of which is red and black, the other of which was white and blue.
-Description is illegible.
-Close to 28,000 words.
-Has to say it isn't a trollfic.
Yeah, this is one station this train will skip. Best of luck.
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Put the amount of likes and dislikes together! What do you get? 666. Perfect.
... What, did you forget to give them horns, because you might as well have. Those OCs are atrocious, not to mention the summary... PLEASE GET AN EDITOR, FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA! My brain hurts trying to translate all of that. I--I don't even know what to say, but you just made Pinkie sick seeing this. Good job.*sighs* A writer can never progress with just yelling and chastising. So, yeah, let me start all over. I just hate when I see how people still write these. But I guess some people have no idea. Yes, I do recommend an editor. I don't know how you get one (I recommend asking a mod here or anyone else, or just write in the search bar "Need Editor." Because there are just too many mistakes. And I'll get to that soon.
Also, this kind of idea is a huge "no-no" here. And even after on here for only two months or so, I know it's pretty much the cardinal rule. No OCs that is pretty much a self-insert (along with another OC) that is the seventh Element. That's just so unnecessary and unoriginal, it's makes readers cringe to see these. But not only that, well, I want to try to help, okay?
Okay, so what's with how he gets into it? He goes to sleep and wakes up in Equestria, just like that. I mean, obviously, it's a dream (I mean, if it's not, I may try to beat myself with a pan, but never mind that for now), but that's not creative or anything. It's so lacking in... just being special. At least try to try something else, go deep into your creative psyche to figure out how he ended up in this world that may or may not be a dream. Like he goes into a coma or something. Still not all that great, but.. just falling to asleep seems unoriginal.
Also, your brush with death with the Manticore... it's funny, I guess, but not realistic. Some manticores (if not like the one the girls dealt with) will rip at your heart and eat you! Not laugh at your stupidity, although this may be a carp at the idea, so maybe I won't go too much into that.
I don't see Fluttershy automatically walking up to the pony and, upon waking him up, talking to him. She's shy, remember? She'd hesitate, mumble, stutter--but not here! Keep in mind FlutterSHY is named so for a reason.
Now onto some things I have a problem with (and keep in mind this and everything else I mentioned was only from chapter one):
Using "then" constantly is too consistent, to a point where it bugs me and probably many others. Try to use the same words over and over. Also, the punctuation is very off here. And believe me when I say PUNCTUATION IS EVERYTHING in writing! I.e., When you have the fact they are speaking before they speak, use a comma. Like this:
Also, after every paragraph, press the enter space twice, so you have more space in your sentences. You do this for the most part, but sometimes, there are parts where it's clumped together and is very messy. If you see two paragraphs a bit too close, a reader just finds it unorganized, which is not a good thing. Finally, I note one more thing for here:
I'm sorry, but that's just freakin' lazy. I don't care how useless this is, at least don't automatically skip it. After all, you don't need to do it entirely, since he knows who the girls are.
*sighs* That's a crap load I wrote. I really hope you take this into consideration. I can be doing something else online, but here I am, helping a writer who really needs it. And, yeah, some comments are rude, but you can't do anything about those. I only did it because I definitely didn't have enough time to write... this! Just ignore those and try to find the more faithful ones. You just need a little help, and you can get there.
to all that keep saying that I need to get some one to editor than why don't you help me if your any better ok? If not then keep that comment to ones self Please
"Good going girls, we really pulled one over on Jeffery. And Twilight!" I laughed aloud, "that was a great idea to ask Princess Celestia to be in on this prank."
Spike walked along beside us. "Well, I think it's great that you girls are having so much fu-BEEELCH"
"Well, what does it say?"
Spike cleared his throat and read aloud: "My Faithful Student...
Jeffery has fallen for the prank and will be arriving in Ponyville soon. In order to keep up the ruse, you and your friends must convince Jeffery that your dear friend Fluttershy has been attacked. You know I disapprove of violence, so I personally recommend one of your more powerful illusions.
However she signs her letters, Princess Celestia"
"Well I can't wait for Jeffery to get here so we can scare him."
Twilight Sparkle looked at me curiously. "Fluttershy, I have never seen this side of you."
"I think Jeffery's personality might have rubbed off on me," I giggled.
Pinkie Pie looked at her wristwatch. Her eyes bugged out and she turned to Twilight and blurted, "Well we've gotta hurry, it's already 11:45 PM!"
"OK girls; let's get ready to turn this trick!"
"..."
The group broke to finish preparing for the prank. Twilight Sparkle hoofed her way over to me.
"Hey Fluttershy--"
"Yes?"
"How do you really feel about Jeffery?"
I froze. I knew exactly how I felt about Jeffery, but I wasn't sure I knew how to explain it out loud. Instead, I tilted my head down until my mane hid my face from view. "I, um, think that maybe I, um--"
"Excuse me?"
I just looked up at her from behind my hair, and let her look me right in the eye. Somepony more perceptive might have been able to interpret this look, but socially graceful Twilight was not. After a few long, awkward seconds of staring at each other, I rolled my eyes and, took a huge breath.
"I think I really like him but I've only known Jeffery for a few days and I know he trusts me but I don't know how much I trust him and I don't know if he likes me back and I don't know how to ask him because if I do and he says 'no' it would really, really hurt my feelings and I don't know if I could handle it right now and even if I got over it someday, everything between us would just be..."
"Awk-waaard?" I felt Twilight's whispered commentary completed my run-on sentence quite nicely. So I nodded. "Well, maybe after we finish this fooling, secure this snare, get this gotcha, complete this craftiness, wrap up this whimsy, nab--"
"You mean, 'pull this prank'?"
"Yes, yes, after we do all that: maybe then you could tell him how you feel?"
"Oh... oh I don't know about that."
1294823 Dude... they're trying. There's only so much one can do without access to the story to edit it. What they're trying to do (the ones who are being constructive, anyway) is tell you what went wrong with the story (1294759 is a BRILLIANT example) so that you can take that information and learn from it yourself.
From the looks of it, though, I think Miss Dark Angel did all that AFTER you posted your own comment. Good on her, I guess, but now you do have something to work off of. I'd input my own critique, but A. she beat me to it, and B. the first chapter scared me away instantly.
I will say this based on your description and story image, though: start writing using a program that will tell you when you're botching your spelling and grammar (Word works, though just... anywhere but the FIMFic box), and for the love of all that is sacred, redesign your OCs.
1308360 I did edit it when I saw his comment because I realized, looking at my own, I wasn't helping one bit. But then again, it was really late when I wrote the first comment and was in a hurry, but that's still no excuse, really. Some useless comments saying how "shitty" this is without trying to actually help the guy made me decide to edit some help into it.