• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2019
  • online

Ocellus The Changeling


A cute and kind changeling

E

Cross, an ice dragon who was sent by his adopted mother, Queen Juniper of the new kingdom of ice dragons, to go to the School of Friendship to learn more about friendship and make more friends.

Chapters (6)
Comments ( 66 )
Comment posted by Isseus deleted Jan 6th, 2020
Comment posted by Ocellus The Changeling deleted Jan 6th, 2020

I like this story. A few grammatical errors and stuff, but, interesting read. Can't wait for more!

for when new chapter?

Why do I get the feeling when I see the cover art I think of Dragon Drive??

A promising start and a solid first fic! There are some random errors sprinkled here and there, and the story is a bit heavy on exposition and telling, but that’s quite normal—you’ll get better in that regard with time. You may also consider getting some outside help to polish the story so that its potential could really shine :rainbowdetermined2:

From what I heard us dragon are cold blooded and would, you know, die if we stayed in the cold for too long.

Just a teeny tiny nitpick here. Cold-blooded (or ectothermic, if you like speaking in fancy terms) animals such as most fish, reptiles and amphibians are actually able to withstand longer periods of low temperatures, hunger or lack of oxygen. In case of the cold, they just freeze and wait, sometimes for years. An extreme case of this is the Siberian salamander of the genus Salamandrella. On the other hand, warm-blooded (endothermic) animals like birds and mammals can somewhat regulate their body temperature, but if it drops belows a certain threshold, they die. So, they are at far higher risk of freezing to death. Sorry about me rambling like this, I’m gonna turn my lecture mode off now. I just thought it might interest you :twilightsheepish:

10187583
It find and thank for telling me some well know fact. And I try my best to fix this story

10187599
I have noticed. Thank you for that!

10187601
Welcome. Hope we talk more sometime in the future

It's really an amazing blog great to get the relatives information through your site for all the people, I appreciate your efforts. fitjackets

No, no, it isn't lazy, I like it! I am waiting a continuation :)

Allow me to help you.

1. The problem with the said tag. Let me show you.

"Greetings your majesty." Twilight said

This is wrong. When you have a normal sentence in a dialogue, you don't use a period if you intend to follow it with a said tag. This could be verbs such as "whispered", "continued", "concluded" and more. (But not tags such as "shouted" or "exclaimed", 'cause those end with "?" and "!")

The paragraph should be:

"Greetings your majesty," Twilight said

End it with a comma. The problem isn't everywhere, but it's here.

2. Here's a second problem.

"Hey Ember," Twilight responded.

When you address someone by name, you should always put a comma before the name.

"Hey, Ember," Twilight responded.

3. There's this:

"Till today. I don't mind having them as allies.I always say, us dragon need to stay together."

The word "till" is a shortened version of the word "until". As such, it should always have an apostrophe before the first letter. This applies to the shortened versions of "because", "around", "them" and more.

Hope this didn't come out as rude or anything.

10251742
No, it Ok, thank with the help and showing me some error

10251772
No problem. I would be glad to be your proofreader, if you want.

10072015
I'm Loving the cover art as it reminds me of Ancient Fairy Dragon my favorite Yu Gi OH 5'Ds card.

https://images.app.goo.gl/E16JrZSd6zbvny5A6

10187609
Keep up the great writing don't worry you'll improve over time.

Comment posted by FlutterTwi deleted Jul 12th, 2020

I've just got flashbacks from the ep School Daze with this latest chapter :twilightsmile:

1032896 Remembering all the Young Six as they begin learning at Twilight's friendship School for the first time.

10328963
Oh right, that true.
Just asking who do you think would be Cross best friend

10329497
Correct. Tell me why you think they will be his new best friend

10329511
Because they got on so well together I think.

What anime is the story’s cover art from?

“Cross,” Starlight stepped up. “I don’t know you for that long. But can tell us why you froze Applejack and if there's a problem we could fix it,” Starlight said.

Cross was silent for a minute before turning to look at them. Cross raised his claw and pointed at Twilight which made her eyes widening a bit.

“Wait, you telling me that I’m the problem and is the reason you froze Applejack?” Twilight asks in shock. “Why?”

“Well, many reasons,” Cross said, sitting down. “One I dislike you for opening this school to teach friendship. Two, your arrogance to believe friendship will fix everything with it will not because I saw what happens when some creature is trying to be nice. And three, I am not here to learn in your school. I am here to get away from my ‘mom’ so she can't breathe down my back 24/7 and you just like her. I would like to be killed by a fire dragon or be exiled from the kingdom than to be with her,” Cross cross his arm on his chest. “And I can see what you're trying to do. Using me to spread friendships to my kingdoms well, I am not doing it since I am not going back to the ice kingdom ever,”

Yeah... I kinda agree with Cross about Twilight using him to spread friendship. Which she use on most of her students

10342307
Wow, you agree with that. Thank you so much for comment because it came off from my back of my head

10342314
You’re welcome because the show only shows positive results and nothing negative about some who were force to enroll

10342316
Yeah, I can agree. I trying my best to add some negative standpoint in my fanfic

I love that you use buddyfight monsters that you story cover i love that show:pinkiehappy:

10342364
What is you favorite character in the show

What is that thing in the cover art, and where is it from?

10342376
Same to gao and monster bal as well

10342405
True and can't wait for the next chapter

Login or register to comment