thathornypony
Joined 31st Aug, 2017 ·
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Just one thing I noticed. Other than that, this was great!
> Anthro tag
> Cover art is 100% pony
> moving on.
I can't tell if this is a typo because I can't really tell if this is an anthro fic or not.
Eh. I have to agree with 9785352 here. The mix of anthro and pony anatomy doesn't really work. Like, Twilight has wings and can walk on clouds...but humans can't walk on clouds? And why would Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy have wings if this is an anthro fic?
I think this would've been better without the anthro part. Just 100% pure pony.
Should this have a comma instead of a period? Rainbow dash is supposed to be doing the same action here. It's quite a glaring mistake if it's right in the description of the story
9785610
It's acceptable either way.
Normally I don't like anthro stuff, but I gave it a look because I've liked your work in the past.
But this story just isn't written very well. It's all written in these short, clipped sentences, and it seems like you are afraid to use a comma; any time you should have one, instead you have a period and a new sentence. It really fucks with the pacing. It kinda makes it sound like it's being narrated by the kid from Malcolm in the Middle, who couldn't finish a sentence without needing to puff on his inhaler.
9785866
I'm confused. Unless it's a response to another's dialogue,"Especially Rainbow Dash." isn't much of a sentence. Neither verb, nor subject, nor a exclamation, nor interjection. Is this some sort of lexical phrase?
9786029
It's a style thing. A short sentence like that is often used to add emphasis. Think of it as though the author is underlining that part of the sentence, rather than taking it as it's own sentence. Granted, I haven't read this so I'm missing the full context, but given just what you quoted that seems to be the case. Although the snippet as a whole seems weirdly clipped to me.
9786085
The more you know.
Now I observe it more, that's not the only thing that bothers me in the paragraph
Let's focus on the first sentence, what is "it" refering to exactly? We know "It" is suppose to refer to "became" because It's the most logical option, but a pronoun can't refer to a verb. That's grammatically nonsensical. The wording even feels off like a guitar string out of tune.
Let's now focus on the second sentence. This one feels underwhelming. Since the author is withholding information, I think the author intended to hype up the mystery of this anonymous alicorn trait. Except, there is little focus on the actual mystery and only the appropriate focus for the relevant characters. Any anime or tv show would try their hardest to land this with more effort more than just refering to the event as "it"
If I had the opportunity to change the paragraph, I would do like this: "Twilight underwent a transformation to become an alicorn, but it came with more than just wings and more magic. Neither she nor her friends were prepared for the unforeseen effects. Especially Rainbow who is the most affected of all of them."
I may add a hint or foreshadowing, but that's about it
9786142
I think this demonstrates quite clearly why you might want to use a short sentence like the author did in his description. Every word which comes after 'Rainbow' communicates to the audience something which has been told already. Sometimes redundancy is acceptable or even preferable, but I wouldn't want to end a story description like that.
9785570
'Anthro' tag refers to anthropomorphic ponies. They still have fur, magic etc. You probably thinking about the 'Humanized' tag. Even then, some authors write about anime girls with horns and wings.
9786999
Something like this perhaps?
I guess redundancy must also be purposeful too
9786029
Yeah, it's a sentence fragment, but given the context, it can be allowed as a stylistic choice.
As was mentioned in other comments, though, the REST of the description (and, as I mentioned in my own comment, the whole story) is a bit of a grammatical trainwreck.
I was strictly defending the use of "Especially Rainbow Dash" as its own sentence, but I hadn't read the rest yet. This definitely could have used some thorough proofreading.
9787045
No, honestly it would work best with little change. Something like this:
Twilight has become an alicorn, but her new wings weren't the only change to her anatomy. Neither she nor her friends were prepared to handle this new addition; especially not Rainbow Dash.
(Also, yeah, it should probably be a semicolon.)
9787323
Where and how did you learn such sophisticated editing? I'd love to self-edit that well
Damn. That's not only perfect grammatically, but hints at the anatomical change better than I can
9787519
IDK, I'm just good at it. I got my degree in communications with the intent of becoming an editor, but I've always had a talent for it.
9785570
9787323
9787519
9785876
Thanks for the feedback. I don't often get any actual criticism on these stories.
9785352
I don't usually like anthro either. The only reason I really did it here is so I can have them have wings and horns and shit, and also wear clothes.
9797648
Speaking on behalf of us, we're all happy to help. Sometimes, we need one or a few very smart mentor to put us on right track. Other times, we need 50,000 coaches. Like that scene in Akeelah and the Bee
(And also, you didn't need to make them anthro. There are many occasions where ponies wear clothes. Just give them an excuse. It's always nice being creative in creative writing ;) )