tailsopony
Joined 20th May, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- tailsopony · 25k words · 137 35 · 4.2k views
- tailsopony · 31k words · 43 13 · 1.1k views
- concordion · 10k words · 105 15 · 1.5k views
- Raptormon132 · 13k words · 29 39 · 1.1k views
- Ink Ribbon - Vraddock · 4.9k words · 37 56 · 3.3k views
- IAmBugHorse · 11k words · 31 4 · 977 views
- The Irish Brony · 2.1k words · 28 10 · 883 views
- Lochees · 4.4k words · 46 4 · 1.6k views
Featured In10
Clopfics11,532 stories ·15,805 members
Rainbow Dash7,247 stories ·4,139 members
Fluttershy4,010 stories ·2,925 members
My Little Fetish16,570 stories ·8,562 members
Rape2,193 stories ·3,944 members
The Dungeon1,262 stories ·1,737 members
- The Sexy Fetish Fun Fun Club417 stories ·294 members
Kinky Boots and BDSM Slaves192 stories ·366 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.265 seconds
Total duration
1,018 users online
317,960 hits today, 2,814,898 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Was this the fic you wanted me to look at?
7676037
Yup. But it's too late to stop me from posting... I'd appreciate any feedback still! I'm willing to make significant edits right now.
Oh, I love it. Slow and sexy build up and slavery non-con that goes into heavy talking, just what I love and very rarely see. Update sooner, please. Great read.
I absolutely love this fic so far! I really like the characters and I look forward to the next chapters ^_^
This is a very interesting story. On the surface it looks like an average sort of clop, two ponies get enslaved, owner gets his rocks off. Yet here there is a different dynamic. Rubinstein is a jerk here, but he's not a completely sadistic bastard. He has guilt and he is uncomfortable with some of what has happened, and yet he is also very happy and excited. This mix of emotions makes him far more unique then some generic rapist bastard. Then there's Fluttershy and Rainbow.
Fluttershy it seems has a hidden side, a fetish of being a slave or at least being dominated to some degree. It doesn't seem to be some intense BDSM thing, but she is definitely a submissive. As the story has progressed and things have escalated, she went from completely nervous to slowly excited, until she was completely confident and in her element. n contrast, Rainbow seems to hate the situation she is in completely, and is looking for any option to escape she can. But she also seems to slowly adjusted a little. She is rageful and doesn't want to be involved, but she has also seemed to realise she is stuck like this for the long run. How much is straight up anger, and how much is anger hiding nerves I can't tell, but there seems to be more to her feelings here then she has so far let on.
Overall, this is a story with a lot of potential and interesting directions. I can't wait to see more.
Oh wow. So Fluttershy thinks what's happening is fun and relaxing, and dash, while enjoying the experience hates that it happened and feels she was raped by her friend. I wonder how that will come out later. Especially since Fluttershy thinks she's helping
7676283 7676843
Thanks! I've got a few more chapters for this at least.
7677351
Thanks! Yeah, I tried to make the core characters a little different from your usual stories like this. Just a little,though...
7677543
It will come out in DRAMA followed by some kind of dirty scene. Or Dash is gonna keep it bottled up, and have problems because of it and not talking about it. Or maybe she'll handle it some other,unexpected way. Lets find out!
Thanks for the comments! We here at T.o.P enterprises live off of your comments. I especially like negative ones, so feel free to rip me a new one over content/implementation/anything!
interesting. Seems a bit weird that Fluttershy would bring up the whole sex thing, makes me wonder about the sort of wet dreams she has.^+^
7679620
Meh, it flows with the rest of the story. I think...
I'm really surprised at the lack of attention this is getting. It's very well-written, and easy to get into. Keep it up, man!
7684425
I appreciate it! Thanks! I think the problem is that it's got a real slow build up with kinda short sex scenes. I really should just pump out 2klong chapters, but I don't have it in me.
I am really enjoying this story. Ruby is really developing well as a character, having to show a dominant master side and yet still unsure how to really bring it out completely. Then we have Dash who doesn't really know anything about ruby or his history. She simply feels she has been wronged despite the fact she largely did it to herself. Be interesting to see what her opinion of Ruby would be if she learned about his history with slavery and his time displacement making him view the situation in a different light.
The clop scene was good too. With Ruby and Rainbow's interactions, it felt like an interesting scene rather then just clop. Rainbow is now aware that she can make Ruby uncomfortable, but also doesn't seem to care much, but she, at least when tired and needing to distress, was able to admit the situation was largely her fault. Then we got to see her somewhat accept Ruby massaging her, too tired to really argue.
The ending though was interesting, as Rainbow's dream of Fluttershy could mean a few different things. She could just be thinking of what happened last night as her sleeping body was used, or she might actually have some hidden feelings for Fluttershy she herself hasn't acknowledged yet. Making what happened last night feel even worse.
I cannot wait to see what happens next and how things will develop between Ruby, Rainbow and Fluttershy as things progress.
Only found one bit that stood out to me;
"he owned her" and "you're mine".
Thoroughly enjoying this, as with all your other stuff in the past. Glad to have found a new story of yours to watch like a hawk.
7684543
Thanks! I appreciate the feedback.
7687273
Thanks! I'm fixing those right now!
This was well worth the wait. There was one or two small grammatical errors, and over half the chapter was in italics by mistake, but I can ignore all that because it was just so damn awesome.
Starting off is Fluttershy. Here we got a bit more of her mindset. Previously we saw that while she had hopped for this outcome, she hadn't wanted her friend to end up in a position she didn't like. However she also enjoyed getting to let her wild side out and felt more turned on by having Rainbow there with her. However after the bath tub scene Fluttershy got to see a slightly darker side to the situation that put a hamper on her happy go lucky attitude. It will be interesting to see how she reacts in the next chapter, but I think this was a little dose of reality for her. that while this is a fun situation, the writ contract is more then just sexy times. Ruby outright owns her and Dash, and can legally do whatever he wants.
We got to see here that the situation could be complicated by bringing in the authorities and the whole thing is a mess, but it was a good means of letting the reader know that there isn't going to be some quick fix option to end things. We also got to see Fluttershy have to make a moral choice here. Ruby made his point to her about how Dash hurting him was not ok and that whether she likes the situation or not, violence will not get her out of it. Internally Fluttershy made the same agreement, albeit with some hesitation and concern for her friend. This to me shows that even if she has now been confronted with the fact that this isn't all going to be fun and sex, she can still follow the rules without trouble.
Ruby and Dash however were the central focus of the chapter, with each growing somewhat and reaching different outcomes. Ruby so far has been just having some fun and adjusting to being allowed to be a dominant after his generally submissive behaviour turned away potential romantic interests in the past. However Dash quickly darkened the situation by lashing out and he was forced to make some choices on how to proceed.
Dash was once again faced with the fact that she keeps making things worse for herself, alongside guilt. I think this chapter finally struck home for her. The previous chapter had her agreeing she had got herself into the situation, but it was more because she was too tired to fight and just let things happen. However being refreshed brought back her energy and defiance. However after Ruby's declaration of punishment, she finally seemed to go over in her head how she herself had just made this worse.
The sex scene however was the most interesting. At first Ruby had to lay down the law, which further helped cement for Dash that there would be consequences if she kept acting up. More though I think, it was a chance for Rainbow to see that while Ruby is a bit of a dick, he isn't some complete monster, and that for all her acting up, that they both fully knew she would continue, he was still only going to go so far with his ownership over her.
Dash deciding to stop fighting for the night though was very curious. It was difficult to read from her emotions, since dash herself couldn't work it out. Seeing her decide to give in and behave just for the night is strange and I can't pinpoint why she chose to. It might have been because she felt guilty and this was subconsciously her way of apologizing, since she had outright claimed she wouldn't verbally apologize. Perhaps she had just reached a point where she was too tired of fighting to resist. Perhaps a part of her actually wanted to try tings, at least once. The fact that she herself doesn't know what is driving her is really fascinating.
Its during the act itself that several revelations come about.
First is that Rainbow definitely has some feelings for Fluttershy. How deep they go and whether they are actually real feelings and not just lust is unclear, but rainbow definitely finds Fluttershy attractive.
Second is that Ruby definitely prefers being a dominant, but more to a submissive. This is why he got along so well with Fluttershy, as she loves being a submissive to a dominant. Ruby has so far been trying to exert dominance over Rainbow, but Rainbow is a very dominant pony, and doesn't take well to having dominant above her. However Ruby definitely enjoyed Rainbow's resistance. Her clear dislike, but still submission and enjoyment, turning him on. Fluttershy likes to be dominated, but with Rainbow, he had to win first, he had to exert himself until he won the dominance, rather then had it handed to him, and I think that turned him on even more.
Most importantly though, we discovered something that Rainbow's inexperience with sex had kept hidden from her. Rainbow enjoyed being a submissive. Rainbow in everyday life is completely dominant. She is in complete control and hates losing. To her submission felt like losing. However here, forced to contend with the situation, without any further excuses or delays, she discovered she was incredibly turned on. We saw in earlier chapters that she was, at least in mindset, submissive to Fluttershy, and after Fluttershy molested her (thinking she was helping) she didn't put up much resistance. Here though, she fought against Ruby, but remained the submissive, verbally fighting back but letting her body be ravished. At the end, when Ruby had brought her to the brink she even admitted out loud that she loved it. After the act, she had no real fight left and further admitted that Ruby owned her. I suspect that throughout most of the next chapter, for what we see of her, she won't have a great deal of fight in her. At least until she gets a good nights sleep in.
I cannot wait to see what happens next. Whether Fluttershy will return to her happy sexy state, or whether the dose of reality has soured the experience for her. How Ruby will act with Fluttershy and Rainbow in the future. Plus whether Rainbow, having made the shocking (and to her disgusting) discovery that she likes being manhandled in bed, will let herself slip more into her new role, or whether she will continue to fight against. I can totally see the dog collar getting her riled up one way or the other.
All in all its going to be awesome.
7738031
Holy mother of comments! Fixed the italics part. Sorry about that. Hopefully not too many people saw it. I liked your summary, but I'm not going to hit it point by point. You missed a few things that I thought were clear, and hit some things that I thought were vague, so I'm pretty impressed. Loved reading the comment! Dunno who keeps down voting you or why. Any comments on things I did wrong? While glowing praise is nice and all, I actually prefer the opposite. (although I'm cool with both. I'm a switch like that.) Thanks for the comment!
You've acked for input, so here's my two cents.
First, Dash. She's feisty one, and I think she'll benefit from submission scenes quite a lot. And not saying anything about obvious sexual stuff, but there's quite a few things that Ruby could do - like dress her up for training with Wonderbolts. Just putting on her naked body that skin-tight suit, or dressing her in maid outfit when she's in house - slave should be dressed as owner pleases, right? Or reverse that, and make Dash disrobe him, get him out of work clothing, put on some cozy home stuff. Slowly, reasonably make her serve him and deal with fact that she's a slave.
Second, Shy. There's lot of possibilities with her. Teaching Dash to obey their Master, or engaging in some hot lesbian action, putting up work in cleaning, dusting and cooking, as proper slave should. Ruby could walk her to sellers and help with them overcharging her. And she can act on her lewd desires!
Not to mention, you can cover spanking, breath play, make Dash live her day with vibrating bullet inside her... Yum.
7738783 Ok, well I think something you could work on is maybe having Fluttershy be a little more involved and focused. So far she's been happy and had some fun, but her parts never really go too deep and her mindset isn't overly engaging. Obviously her motivations and interactions will be vastly different then Rainbow's, but just because she enjoys the situation doesn't mean she can't grow as a character or get to have some more in depth segments. Perhaps we could have a more detailed look as to what she enjoys about sex and submission, and how she got involved with it initially. Show her current emotional connection to Ruby and whether she actually wants it to grow or stay at a basic sexual partner role with no depth. More about why she enjoys Rainbow's presence during the acts.
Ruby I think has had some great development. He's been a bit indecisive sometimes, about how dominant he actually wants to be and how far he wants to take things. I think this last chapter with Dash has helped that a lot. I think he needs a bit more time with Fluttershy, but after that he should start to escalate things a little bit. It might be good to get a bit more into his personality and history with the crystal empire. He knows a lot about slavery, and I think a discussion with Rainbow and Fluttershy might be a good thing, both for some perspective for Rainbow, and to give Fluttershy some ideas.
Rainbow has been getting some great development so far and I think you are really on the right track with her, letting her fight but slowly discover her own sexual preferences and how she should interact with Ruby and Fluttershy respectively.
Overall the weakest points of the story are more from Fluttershy, but not from mistakes or bad writing, just a lack of character growth or depth. Nothing that can't be fixed with a little closer focus on the character.
7747043
Dude, explicit images are banned on this site. I know your post is old, but better safe than sorry if a mod shows up.
7747043
Actually one of the pictures that inspired this. Also, I'm going to delete the comment. Sorry.
Ok I really liked this chapter. It brought everything out into the opened, solidified roles, brought out secrets and set the path for the future.
Having each segment following one of the 3 ponies and getting to see their thought processes and opinions was an excellent idea and it really helped the character development all around. Everypony present got an equal role in the chapter, each with a different type of revelation and form of growth.
Rainbow is still struggling here, but this chapter has resolved a lot of the denial and barriers that she kept reinforcing on herself. She was able to voice to Fluttershy how she truly felt about what occurred the previous night, and we see her angry and upset, but ultimately accepting, that she liked what occurred, both with Fluttershy and with Ruby, though she seemed to have a preference to Fluttershy, which further reinforces her feelings for her. Right now she has reached a level in which she doesn't like how things have turned out, but won't stop it either.
Her dialogue suggests that while she won't put up a fight tonight, she may still in the future, but this further suggests that she may adjust over time as well. With her accepting her role in this chapter, it seems a little unclear on how she is going to proceed with future interactions with both Ruby and Fluttershy, but that is also a type of strength as well, as it shows that despite all her words, she herself is still unsure and confused. I think her confusion is a good plot line to follow, since her aggression has now tamed a little. Hopefully in time she may even start to openly enjoy and encourage Ruby and Fluttershy's actions, but we'll have to wait and see.
I'm very pleased about the Fluttershy segment here, as I feel she got a much needed awakening here, as well as the focus that earlier chapters were lacking. Seeing her horror when she realised that her actions with Rainbow earlier hadn't been helpful, but unwanted and harmful was really a shocking moment for her, and I think further chapters are going to have her flip flopping a little, half loving everything and half trying to not let herself get out of control and hurt her friend any more. Further, her later discussion with Ruby revealed at lot about her nature in a very open and easily acceptable fashion. Understanding a characters psyche and trying to understand their motivations can be really difficult, but you absolutely nailed it here with Fluttershy. With Ruby and Rainbow too really (although Ruby is basically an OC here so his personality is really everything you design him to have but whatever), but especially here with Flutters.
I think she still probably needs a little more weight in this fic, as most of the larger conflict is centred around Rainbow. I think this chapter was a good starting point to more even things out and give equal focus to all 3 participants, rather then just Rainbow and Ruby. While having some more sexy fun times will be great for next chapter, I think some discussion between Ruby and Fluttershy about her animals and getting him to see a bit more of her life beyond just her kindness and her love of sexy times is something that should start to come into play in future chapters. Getting Rainbow to show any more side of her life too might be good, though this will take a longer time before she is likely comfortable revealing more of herself to Ruby then just her body.
Now the Ruby bit was very interesting to me. Seeing his psyche and having himself discover his own true personality was very interesting. He doesn't want to be a slave, but he doesn't strive for complete freedom, but for structure and rules. If we ever see a chapter with him interacting with the other mane 6 at any point (outside of a poker game or when half of the ponies are drunk) I think he would likely get along very well with Twilight, and Applejack too, though I think he would come into conflict with Rarity and Pinkie Pie, due to the very open and free and expressive lifestyles the two lead.
Having him understand himself has eliminated his indecision here, even if it might still take a little for the revelation to sink in. As such, while he will likely maintain the friendly and fun tone with Fluttershy, I can see him starting to getting into the smirking, confident dominant role he had with Rainbow in the previous chapter. It will be interesting to see how Fluttershy reacts to that aspect of his character, as so far, every sexy encounter those too have had, she has largely led him into it and completely immersed herself in the role.
Overall this chapter was very much needed after the events of the previous chapter, and I'm glad to see that some of the things I noticed have been addressed and improved upon.
I cannot wait for future chapters.
Just wow I followed this story on a whim and I was sort of interested but wow this chapter has me completely hooked now I really want to know what happens next.
7978835 Drat. Could you say which picture it was (artist, or Derpibooru number, etc.) so we can find it?
Gah, this is where you cutoff? Evil. Just evil. I do hope the next update isn’t another six months away.
I do like your knack for conflicting interactions – how you manage different characters all having very different perspectives and opinions, and how they all play off each other. You make it believable in a way that many don’t.
And the sex is hot, too, but that’s more of a side-thought in this chapter …
8137268
Damn! Sweet comment! Lets see...
Yeah, the point was to get all three out there and show how different they each were. Each one has their own motivation and thought process, and really none of them are being 100% honest with themselves quite yet. You can't be honest with others if you don't understand yourself!
I really wanted this to be a mostly Fluttershy chapter, but it worked better as a split one. The next one is gonna have a bit of shy as well, and maybe the one after that will focus on her "tomorrow", but I haven't decided quite yet. This story is really just episodic as things come. There's no overarching planned plot like my usual stories, and I might update tomorrow, I might update next year. Just depends on if I feel like writing it. It's easier to write because their no constraints or expectations, so it's kind of fun like that.
I went with Ruby because he's not really an OC, just a background pony. Octavia started that way. Derpy did, Dj P0N3, Lyra, etc. All started slowly got personalities attached to them. Well, Ruby was basically untouched. So what I was going for with Ruby is someone that's been.... institutionalized. You ever met somebody that's spent a long time in prison, or maybe in the military? They have a certain desire to go back to normal, but their normal is a little weird for other people. It's one of the reasons long time convicts end up back in prison, they miss it. It's a deep rooted complicated thing that some people never recover from, and its rarely touched. You ever watch the Shawshank redemption? Remember Brooks? Well, he's a little more lost than Ruby is, but it's the same road. I just think the crystal ponies are probably a little more fucked up than they let on at first.
Nothing eliminates indecision! He's just got a slightly better perspective on things now. It might help though...
As far as how the relationships progress, I have a few ideas on how I want it to be. But I'm super open to letting the characters feel it out for themselves, so we'll see. I really like that each pony has their bastion of "power", and I might not upset that for a bit. Or maybe It'll be crushed in the next chapter! Who knows!
I really like the comment! Thanks! It's neat to see what you're thinking about it. I was worried that it was too much aggressive shouting and crying in a chapter without much clop, but drama does alright I guess. I still had fun writing through it going, "How would So and so feel about this?" even if I was wrong on some of the things. Fluttershy does not act like I expected her to, and I suspect that's because there's something more going on. We'll just have to see.
8137269
I'll give you a clue: Clop. lol.Thanks for the comment! Glad the chapter did alright for you.
8137328
8137329
Sorry. I don't remember what the picture was! Doh! I bet you can find it if you search for Fluttershy, Rainbo Dash, and explicit though. I mean, you'll have to sift through hundreds of pics, and might never know you've found it, but it doesn't seem like a bad experience. I think it was the one with Rainbow helping Fluttershy out in the sports locker? Or maybe it was the one where they're both on a cloud having fun? It could have been just one of the cute ones that shows a little too much genitalia. I really don't remember which one it is, but this story has a folder on my comp with about 100 pics of various combinations of Shy+Dash+-1 other.
Can't promise when the next update will be. Sorry! This is one of the things I write when I'm "inspired" to write, as opposed to things I work at. Upshot is that when I do write something for it, I type it up super quick. This chapter was about 8 hours of typing, spread over two days. Which isn't bad for 10k words. And I didn't edit it either, which is something I might need to do.
Thanks! I like to think real hard about the "why" of characters. It's a problem sometimes, and makes some of my stories less interesting as a result. Also, sometimes the why is stupid. lol.
Yeah, the sex is just a sidebar in this chapter. It'll be more... on exhibition in the next chapter.
Thanks for the comments!
8138421 the thing is I'll read almost anything if I get a good feel for the characters if the gain a life of their own. This story cemented that fact qith this latest chapter. The emotions for everyone involved have a very real feeling yo them and how they arnt just cardboard cut outs that to see time and again.
Keep up the amazing work.
I don't have time right now to say everything I want to, but I DO have time to leave a comment just saying how much I enjoy this story! I'm really disappointed that it doesn't have a much larger following though. D: Excellent work! Keep it up, man!
This chapter is literally so morally conflicting and psycoanlyzing that I can't really focus on the clop yet it is exactly that reason that i think ill keep this story in my favorites rather than my clop folder.
In fact... it seems that has been an odd trend as of late... what is it about edgy theme clop novels that tends to have me restructuring my ideas of how morality and the perils of sentience works? Seriously, why does it take rape/BDSM novels to get me refining and sharpening the lines of morality? This seems the opposite of how that's supposed to work...
8424334
lol.
Well, I'm 70% of the way through the next chapter. I don't like it yet because it's pretty much 100% clop, so I'm trying to spice it up a little. Or de-spice it? Not sure. lol.
And honestly, I don't think it's a new trend. I loved the sword of truth series, but about a third of every book is hardcore BDSM/Rape/something edgy. But the whole thing is bizarre social commentary.
8424346
Let me know if you want another set of eyes to proof read and feed you some ideas of where you could insert less cloppy bits or maybe refine areas you aren't sure about.
This was a really interesting chapter and with all of the ponies present it made it amazing.
Rainbow I think is definitely my favourite of the story (plus she is my favourite pony overall so that helps). Her inexperience here and her own personality just make everything feel so intense. This chapter further expanded upon what happened during the sex scene earlier with just her and Ruby, but it also expanded on the situation with Fluttershy. Rainbow clearly loves, or at least has deep feelings for Flutteshy, but as the kind caring loving pony she has known. This new element to her character, this lustful sexy side has her completely confused and uncertain, as though she doesn't know if she can trust her feelings now that she knows things aren't as they appeared. But while we saw that she does like being manhandled (even if she still can't really understand why or take any enjoyment from the fact) we also just for a moment saw that she wants to be the one in control of Fluttershy, being the dom rather then the sub. Having both a desire to be a sub to Ruby (even if she can't accept that part of herself yet) and a dom to fluttershy is extremely interesting.
However things are going to become further complicated for her now as she witnessed Shy's reaction to Ruby being so dominant. She thought Shy would hate it, but saw instead how she loved it, and seems to fear that this means that Fluttershy won't be interested in her, as she can't bring that same level of dominance to Fluttershy due to her desire to be with the kind loving pony Shy usually presents herself as. We also saw that Rainbow feels uncomfortable with Ruby, not just with the sexual side, but also with his apathetic, unpassionate personality. Rainbow is the definition of strong and passionate, and seeing someone going through life that just doesn't seem to care must drive her nuts, but now she is stuck being around him. I wonder how things will progress, whether she'll start attempting to bring more passion to him, or whether she herself will start to feel her passion drain away being around someone like that so much.
Fluttershy was definitely great here. Seeing the conflict within her, the desire to let herself fall into her lust, and the kindness she feels to her friend was such a great choice for her. And her decision to try and show Rainbow that she can embrace being a sub without losing control was even better (even if this seems to have somewhat slipped by Rainbow at the moment and instead given her the impression that Fluttershy simply wants to be with a dominant manhandling Ruby rather then Rainbow herself). I think showing Fluttershy warring with herself after her mistake with Rainbow earlier will really give her the presence that she was lacking in previous chapters. Before she was simply lusty, but had no sort of drive or character growth. Now she feels more dynamic and fleshed out, having seen the damage she caused and wanting to fix it, but also wanting to continue her debauchery as well.
Overall I couldn't seem to find any kind of fault with this chapter. All the small things I picked up in earlier chapters like Fluttershy's lack of presence, have all been addressed, leaving this story feeling better then ever.
I cannot wait to see what happens next. awesome work!
8530598
Damn! Thanks for the giant comment! I'm worried you won't like the next bit, but oh well! It's already written. I actually finished this chapter at 15k words, and decided it was too much, so I split it in half. I'll probably post the other half tomorrow. I appreciate the in-depth analysis, it's super awesome!
I have a hard time moving the story away from Rainbow, as I like keeping the story around the conflict. At the moment, Rainbow is most of the conflict. So shining some light on Fluttershy's conflict is a good way to make me want to write more of her stuff. One of the problems I have s that I put too much in the background. For instance, Rainbow does a bunch of self censoring and doesn't like thinking about things. But she is smart and fully capable of doing so. Fluttershy in this story doesn't self censor nearly as much in her thoughts, but is operating on a few levels that she doesn't always fully understand. She focuses on the obvious ones, and the other things are kind of a surprise for her on a conscious level, even if she already knows things. Ruby is honestly a little more flat. He's smart about some things, but dumb about himself. He's also a little more direct, which impacts things oddly. He's not the focus of this, or the next chapter. He's just an actor and observer for the moment instead of a mover and a shaker.
Fluttershy and Rainbow actually have a lot of different motivations for their actions right now, which is kinda fun to write. Ruby has less so in this chapter. That's going to change in future chapters, but well see.
Specifically, at some point there is going to be a twisted love/hate triangle thing going on that gets to be unhealthy for some parties. I'm also toying with a specific fourth party interrupting and causing some problems. This fourth party would balance out the roster a touch by adding another male, and possibly be a more charismatic but much darker mirror to Ruby, providing him some good perspective on who he is and what his limits actually are. Conversely, I've considered making them them actually nice, but still unwelcome. I haven't decided how this is going to go for that aspect. There are some fun ideas with that that make it feel like things are actually on the line for the characters, but that's a ways down the road. Either way, once they get settled in, I am going to re-introduce the other characters very soon. This life is going to be hard to hide for long, and they'll have to come up with some reason why things are they way they are to all of their friends.
And I've already got the next chapter, actually. It was a 15k chapter that I cut into two pieces so it would be more manageable. The title for this one was supposed to be the title of the chapter after next, the morning after chapter, but when I split it, I needed a chapter title. The next chapter has the important bits for that title, so it had to go there. Ahh!!! I think it works out though. I'll probably label the next next chapter something like "collect the winnings" or "take the pot" or something. Meh. I'll figure it out. That's supposed to be the real Fluttershy focused chapter. I'll probably post the next chapter tomorrow. It's already in FIMFiction, and I've given it a once over, but I think I wanna change one small thing. Or two. Or three. well... I dunno now.
Thanks for the comment again! Glad you like my stuff!
Ok now this chapter definitely took things in a different direction.
The previous showed there was still conflict but it almost seemed like it was heading towards a more peaceful resolution. This chapter however has crossed passed peaceful and into unhealthy. While Ruby wasn't really the focus here, each member of this weird sexual tryst has started going down some pretty unhealthy directions, which really keeps things interesting.
Fluttershy it seems isn't as completely confident with her sexual lifestyle as we first believed. While she loves completely immersing herself in her debauchery, it seems this is usually without an emotional connection. here though with Rainbow Dash, she has now come into conflict with herself, realizing that while she absolutely loves what happened, she also feels immensely guilty with herself by using her friends crush to force her into a sexual experience she didn't want. She is trying to convince herself that Dash had given her permission, but she hasn't given in to that. I think part of the problem lies with the fact that she hasn't taken into account that the problem isn't solely with her actions, but also with Ruby's unintentional as some of them may have been. I think it stems from her as previously stated, non emotional level of sexuality, whereas Rainbow, a passionate person, brings everything into the experience, emotions included. It will be interesting to see how things progress from here and how Fluttershy starts to feel about things, whether she will continue to give into her lust or follow her kindness.
Rainbow was incredibly conflicted here and I think this was the complete turning point for her. She has broken somewhat now and with her desire to block out her thoughts on things constantly, it is just going to keep building on her until she completely snaps. Previous chapter it was clear that she had feelings for kind Fluttershy and didn't seem to know how to handle lusty Fluttershy, feeling a pull towards wanting to be the dominant to Fluttershy. Here however she seemed to completely give in, likely due to her depressed state over thinking Fluttershy would love Ruby and his dominance, over Rainbow. She tried to take control, to be like Fluttershy was, an in control sub, but she seemed to completely give in, and become the sub to Fluttershy, something I think the yellow mare hasn't completely realized yet either. The curious thing here is taht while she is more emotionally connected to Fluttershy, she seems to find more sexual comfort in Ruby, a fact that seems to disgust her. It may be that while Rainbow has a crush on Fluttershy, she is actually straight, or has a preference to men rather then woman, and is now having to try and understand this fact due to how long she has gone giving her sexuality any thought.
She is in a very unhealthy place right now, seemingly willing leashing herself to Ruby, so that Fluttershy can truly be her master, seeing Ruby as more of a tool, like one of the sex toys on Fluttershys nightstand. Fluttershy is the one who is control here. However this mentality seems to have poisoned her feelings for the kind animal loving mare. She refuses to let herself truly process things and so she keeps slipping further and further down a very dark path that might end up really messing with her head. Fluttershy isn't completely oblivious too this, but she can't seem to really understand the cause and so keeps making it worse in the process.
Ruby didn't have much presence her, but I feel that worked for the best. Right now he is happy but somewhat confused about what just happened. However I think once he sees how the two mares interact with each other and with him when he awakens, it might start getting him to think about things a bit deeper. Oddly enough I think he will probably start feeling a bit more sympathetic to Rainbow if he can actually work out Fluttershy's role in hurting Rainbow here.
All in all I think this chapter has taken things on a different path then I had initially thought, a darker path. But this also means there is a lot of new potential as well. I think the next chapter with them all awake and not in a sexual state will really be interesting to read as all the characters adjust to the changes they are all undergoing. Awesome work.
8530765
You have a great deal of talent and this story is a very unique and interesting one, as it follows a lot of dark tones but also avoids a lot of things expected from this style as well.
This has me a little worried truth be told. While the love/hate triangle relationship I think will be interesting (as I kind of envision an ending that has all three characters in an actual relationship to some degree with actual desire and love between them, though with it so far down the road I can't really be sure of that at this point) and something I kind of expected to slowly begin to develop, this fourth element will need to be done carefully. I recommend waiting for a while before it is introduced, as things are still shaky and barely formed right now, still only really holding together because of the writ. You need more emotional investment between all the characters before you throw in something that will drastically change the dynamic.
You would also have to make sure that this new character's role becomes firmly established early on after the introduction, so that new readers don't get confused by the sudden change in tone. I think its definitely a worthwhile idea to pursue, but it needs to be done in the correct way or it might unravel all the excellent character growth you've done so far.
I was recently wondering whether this would be updated, and then bam, 14K-word update. Praise Celestia, for she hath provided …
Good stuff. My favorite has to be Flutters getting ass-fucked right above Rainbow – that’s gonna be a happy thought for a long time. The only mild critique I may offer is that the inner monologuing gets a little lengthy at times, especially when it’s in the middle of sex scenes. I suggest reserving them for when there’re less immediate things happening between the characters. But as I said, that’s just a nitpick – still hot as hell.
Also:
8137329
Damn. One day short.
The abusive angle was played on too hard here and it became too much for me to bear reading. Too much pain and betrayal in a character that is slowly losing her mind to abusive doms and is held in place by morals that have been taken to far. This story takes depravity to a new level, owing much to the admittedly quality writing and yet that only makes the content that much more horrifying.
...seriously, have you spoken to a psychiatrist lately?
8531111
What can I say? I aim to please. lol. We'll see how long the next one takes to come out. Hopefully sooner. Interesting on the inner monologuing. I actually do that on purpose, otherwise the sex scenes get boring for me. I like to know what characters are thinking and feeling. I can try to break it up a little more and spread it out. Thanks for the feedback on it! I'll adjust it for the next chapter, let me know how it turns out!!
8531328
OOh! Sweet! I love comments like this! Where was the turning point for you? The original run through didn't have Fluttershy arguing with herself, so all that and related thoughts+ the bite interaction were added later because I felt she needed more depth in the scene. It certainly made this quite a bit darker. While it's certainly dark, it was nowhere near super dark in my mind. I want to know what made it over the top for you! Is it because I skipped over the after care? Honestly, I really wanted to write it out but also just wanted to post this. I can add it in the next chapter, or make a quick in-between chapter for it.
The "triangle" was my SO's input, and while I felt it was a little early in the story for them to be getting that "heavy" with each other, I think I made it work a little. Was that the turning point? Shy does come off as a little cold right there. I can fix that up. I didn't want this to be too negative/dark, so I can clean it up a little if you give me some points where it was too much. Half of RD's perspective is really supposed to be about a sort of awakening on her part, she accepts that she likes certain things and (sometimes, not all the time) being treated a certain way. That was supposed to be covered in the after care bit where she talks it out with Shy. I need to add it for sure now. In fact, there are two times when Rainbow is actually the instigator on Shy in these two chapters. Rainbow and Shy both like these times, and for some reason I skipped over them a little. Doh!
lol about the psychiatrist. I assure you, I'm actually a very stable person. I don't let my characters/stories influence my real life relationships and activities. I'm fully aware that the characters are in unhealthy relationships. One of the things I like to write about is unhealthy relationships. It's like watching that "crazy ex girlfriend" show, or a soap opera. Nobody in a soap opera has a healthy relationship, and if they really do, one of them is going to die and the other is going to get into an unhealthy relationship. It's great for people like me to watch...
To re-iterate -
Let me know what put it over the top, and I probably will retcon this chapter just a touch to make it lighter. It wasn't supposed to be off puttingly dark (yet). It was supposed to be "darkly fun" for all three of them with underlying themes of "did we take this too far?" and "what/how are we feeling about this?". It is supposed to be unhealthy though, not gonna lie. I greatly appreciate the feedback!
8530895
You seem to like the dark turn! Cool. Counterpoised to CuriousCurse, can you give me an honest opinion on if I should make it less/more dark here or keep it the same? I'm gonna do what I do, but I like input and will happily shape the story accordingly. Like I said, the plot lines for this one are "loose" so I can keep writing it whenever or change things a bit whenever.
You have an interesting character analysis which is a ton of fun to read and think about! You are spot on about Fluttershy's lack of "emotional connection" compared to Dash's passion for things. For Dash, she goes full in when she does things, while Shy keeps her sex life and regular life usually very separate. One of the backstories I was going to have was going to be an old relationship of Shy's where the stallion involved got upset because she had no real desire to keep the relationship "serious". Instead she wanted to fool around and have fun, which was not something he necessarily wanted. I nixed it for now, but he might show back up.
Interestingly, I don't see Rainbow as "broken" here. She makes a decision to be an "actor" instead of an "acted on" in the little play on lions. The poor little rabbit is supposed to represent her fear, reluctance, and timidity with sexual things. She's at least momentarily willing to tackle her sexuality head on. Admittedly, she still self censors a bunch, but that's because she hasn't decided on how she really feels about things just yet and doesn't want to spend forever defining her feelings on things. Instead of worrying about her feelings, she rushed forward and tried to ignore them as much as she could. Ruby describes her as "determined" and he's not wrong. She has a goal, and is very clearly making steps towards her goal, even if they seem counter intuitive. Part of accepting her sexuality is accepting Fluttershy's, which is one of the core themes for her (which you noticed through Ruby by the way) through these two chapters. Fluttershy likes toys. Rainbow lets Fluttershy use her like a toy, because Rainbow wants Fluttershy to like her (like Ruby, but idealy more so). You are also spot on with how she sees Ruby in this encounter. She actively reduces him to just a penis a few times because it's easier for her to process him as a living dildo than as "Ruby" here and there. Then again, there are a few times where "Ruby" is more exciting for her than just a penis... There are a few levels like this going on, and it's actually an almost conscious decision of Rainbows in the last chapter. Is this healthy? No. Is it what Rainbow wants? Maybe. She's willing to try it for a while to see what comes with it. She notes that accepting Fluttershy's intimacy means accepting "everything that goes with it." and she's still deciding if that's what she wants or not. Rainbow needs time to process things, so she's gonna work through some things in her mind, one way or the other real soon. As far as her sexuality with Ruby, it's a little more... complex... than straight or gay for poor Rainbow. But that's for later Rainbow to worry about.
And yeah, this could get very unhealthy very quickly if they don't think things through a little more. But I also feel like that's why they would at this point. People don't tend to act until the last moment for whatever reason. Anyways, feedback on too dark/dark enough would be appreciated! Thanks for the awesome comment!
8531670
I think adding in an aftercare scene would be a good idea. I personally don't mind the darkness of the scene itself, as unlike other stories that involve slavery and non consensual sex, this story takes a very unique approach to everything, and that makes it all the more interesting for me. However an after care scene or some bigger indication of Rainbow's thought pattern as you described here (awesome thought patterns here by the way, very in depth Rainbow) would lessen the discomfort for those not as comfortable with dark scenes, and it would also help the characters along figuring out how they feel about things now on a more personal level before a more group decision ends up happening in a future chapter.
I think everypony's level of involvement here worked well, taking on the right level of focus and being in the right viewpoint for the scenes. Next chapter should probably have more Ruby involvement and let us see a bit more of how he is feeling now, but that would work better after he has a better look at Fluttershy and Rainbow in the morning.
Overall while I didn't see any problems with the chapter or its tone, I can understand where CuriousCase is coming from and adding in a scene with some calming down and returning to normal tones, would be a good idea for readers who aren't as interested in darker themes.
8531670
Re: the inner monologues – to elaborate a little, my issue (and again, this is more of a nitpick) isn’t necessarily with the presence of the monologues, but that they interrupt the sex with lengthy meanderings that often don’t contain anything very sexy, other than an occasional mention that sex was happening. If you insert more frequent and graphic descriptions of the action into the monologues (at least a couple times a graf or something), they’d feel more like sidebars and less like intermissions.
A related nitpick, and this one’s even more subjective, but: The rabbit analogy was apt, but it felt kinda out-of-place in the middle of a sex scene like that. One minute I’m enjoying the action, the next I’m reading about terrified bunnies and bloody fangs and … it kinda made the mood go hide in a corner for a second. The imagery, y’know? I wouldn’t delete it or anything, but maybe reserve for before the action, or afterwards.
… Dangit, now I think about it, there’s one last thing I wanna mention. I understood that Dash and Flutters approached the situation from very different angles and thus had very different reactions until now. But I gotta admit, it got a little eye-roll-inducing to see Dash still misinterpret Flutters’ reaction to getting fucked as one of being abused. She’s been both told and shown, repeatedly and clearly, that Flutters wants everything Ruby has to give her and that she enjoys it rough. I understand Dash has a big crush on Shy and will understandably be both highly protective of her and predisposed to think the worst of Ruby, but her thinking Ruby was hurting Shy just made her seem annoyingly thick. She doesn’t have to enjoy Ruby being rough with Shy, but she should at least grok that Shy is okay with it.
Okay, that’s all the nitpicking, I promise. I don’t wanna give the wrong impression; I really did enjoy the chapter and I love the story as a whole.
I wasn't gonna comment originally but the conversation in comments caught my attention here.
Here's the thing: this story IS dark. And not "fun dark" or whatever, it's actually, as Curious put it, abusive and horrifying. Which is fine, I like a dark story now and then, but I find it a little disturbing that I'm not meant to view this story in that way and instead just see it as "unhealthy relationships", and to some extent root for Ruby or even Fluttershy in what they're doing. The problem is that Rainbow is correct, what's happening to her is rape. Fluttershy is twisted and manipulative and basically is grooming her friend to make her accepting of the abuse and sexual activities she's not comfortable with, and Rainbow's reason for being accepting of being victimized is odd.
It doesn't matter if some of the activities are things that she might enjoy or have discovered on her own, because she didn't -- she was deliberately preyed on and forced into things she was not willing or ready for, and the suggestion that by taking some control of her own she's somehow empowered or "discovering" her own sexuality or "awakening" or whatever doesn't change the fact that she's a victim and that Fluttershy and Ruby did deplorable things in the first place. It's like saying that forcing someone to have sex is okay in the end because they would have naturally tried having sex and enjoyed it anyway -- it really should go without saying that it doesn't work that way, and no amount of "after care" conversations would change that.
There's just a really disturbing disconnect for me here in that the things that are happening in the story are abusive, cruel, and horrible -- but I'm getting the impression that I'm not supposed to feel that way as a reader? And that's honestly enough to put me off reading it.
8532187
You know what? You're right. It clearly falls under coercion, which is very much rape. I was thinking small scale for the chapter, but it's still a dark story even as far as that goes. That's what happens when you don't read your own story for a few months. What I was trying to get at with the question for curiouscurse was "What pushed you over the edge?". Before this chapter, Rainbow's already been raped. She's already been abused, even more physically than in this chapter. She's already been manipulated and coerced. So what about this chapter made it "darker" for her, in so much that curiouscurse pointed out "too much pain and betrayal" to the point that it was too much for them to bear reading? I don't like writing things that are so depressing people don't want to read them, and I wanted to know where that line fell in this story for that person. I'm aware that my line is probably way past where most readers would be. I've got a comfortable normal line in real life. Its easy.
Real life rules for where my line is:
1. Don't unnecessarily hurt people intentionally. This includes emotional.
2. Don't trick people to get what you want. Even if you think it will make them happy.
3. Be polite/nice in general, because you have no reason not to be.
Unfortunately, my reading writing line is almost nonexistent. It exists based on these rules:
Reading/writing rules for where my line is:
1. Don't intentionally hurt real people by reading/writing. (example of not okay would be reading someones diary, or maybe looking at stolen "nudes". Writing example would be picking on people, belittling, etc. To include groups of people. This might be done by writing "erotic friendfiction" or using characters that represent real people. This is much more expansive than just bullying though, which is one of the reasons I aggressively tag my stories.)
2. Don't hurt myself by reading/writing. (examples would be: Spend too much time or effort on something. Get so absorbed in a fictional world (to include social media or games) that I neglect important human things. (eating, sleeping, socializing, etc. Also contains: Don't write anything illegal where I live (possible, if I was political enough to care.)
And that's basically it. My lines are waay past most folks when it comes to reading/writing as a result. I've never stopped reading a story because it was too "dark" only because it simply lost my interest due to a number of factors. And honestly, that's very rare and almost always the result of "difficult to read" writing and grammar. So I want to know where other people fall on that. I got a good one where someone once posted "If I want to read about someones slow spiral into depression, I'll just watch my roommate instead" or something like that. I loved it, as that was not something I'd considered at that point! For me, any emotional experience is interesting to read, but I can see how others wouldn't like that. I've also heard from some people that they don't like these stories because they identify with the character so much it hurts them when the character is hurt. In general, I advise them to avoid the dark tag, but it's definitely something I need to consider!
So, that's the motivation for me asking. I want to know what made this chapter, which in my mind, while dark, isn't much worse than the other chapters for Dash abuse. I want to know why this is the one that brought them over the edge. The other motivation is that this story is loose. If it's Fluttershy's internal dialog that brought them over, that's fixable! There are probably twenty little things which are super flexible in this story, and I'll happily make it more palatable for someone that's been following along. Unfortunately if it's "the whole scene" well, that's kind of the content of this story. It has a lot of rape/abuse in it. And I can't fix that. But at least I'll know!
As far as the content, I'm not saying anything they did was okay! Not at all! But I will say that even when you are coerced into something you can find things out about yourself in it, and even turn it around. It's a terrible reality, but it unfortunately is. Starving people have found out that if they have to choose between bugs and trash, maybe bugs aren't so bad. Hey! Learned something! Unfortunately, abuse is like that in a terrible way. "Awekenings" aren't always a good thing. See most bad guy's back-stories. Heck the whole "open your eyes" song in the new movie is kind of about exactly that. In many cases(certainly not all, and the exact % is arguable), that's where abusers come from, but that's a different story. In this story, Rainbow is very unlikely to turn into an intentional abuser.
And more to the point, right now none of them are supposed to be "intentional" abusers. Fluttershy is convincing herself that she's doing this to help Dash adjust/escape. Ruby thinks it's his responsibility and/or right. Dash thinks she has to do this in order to eventually win Fluttershy's heart (or just not lose it to that asshole, Ruby-->the actual motivation). From the characters perspectives, they are doing something "fun" but they all know it's also wrong, but can't pin exactly why (Ruby thinks he's supposed to, Dash thinks she has to in order to achieve her goals, and Shy thinks she is 'helping' but is starting to reluctantly understand that maybe she isn't). Hence why I called it "Darkly fun" for all three of them. Not for the reader, mind you. You get to see what they're thinking, so you get to see the more broad spectrum of "abusive, cruel, and horrible." You should be taking that away. I just want to know why this bit is worse than the last few bits, I'm not trying to say "it's just fine. She's been raped and now she's okay with it" because she sure as hell is not, and it sure as hell is not.
What I was trying to point out is that Dash is not spiraling into depression or madness. She is taking methodical steps towards her goal that make sense to her character based on what she's observed and experienced. Once again, I do not think this is good for her or something the reader should be rooting for.
Wow. All that to explain my comments! Behold, full on sperging! You are point on the story though. Fluttershy is grooming her friend, albeit unwittingly. To reiterate, nothing that's happening is okay, and if you are rooting for ANY character right now based on their decision's, you're probably wrong. Dash had some leeway for a bit, but made some very bad decisions in the last four chapters that put her on the list of "arguably at fault here" that includes four characters(drunken Twi). Her motivations are rooted in what she wants, but is she really considering what Shy actually wants? Admittedly, you could root for Dash to get the fuck out of dodge, and that would be okay, but that's not what she's decided the last three times she had the option.
I'm surprised I still have to say this, but I don't condone anything that's happening in this story. Let me re-iterate.
ANYTHING.
I just like to watch it.
As far as the after-care, that was supposed to be more of the two talking it out. Which is more supposed to help explain to the characters (just Shy and Dash) what each other is thinking/feeling after the thing. Also to see Dash lie and say she's fine, but that's just another dark thing. Part of it would be both of them re-addressing their censored thoughts and internal dialogues.
Also, when I say unhealthy relationships, I'm using it because it's a broad term, not because it's soft. It covers a much wider array of "things" than just abusive relationships, codependent, etc. Here's a list from the University of Washington health center about what makes a relationship "unhealthy". I bolded things that this story already includes, and italicized things it probably will at some point.
From http://depts.washington.edu/hhpccweb/health-resource/healthy-vs-unhealthy-relationships/:
While in an unhealthy relationship you:
Put one person before the other by neglecting yourself or your partner
Feel pressure to change who you are for the other person
Feel worried when you disagree with the other person
Feel pressure to quit activities you usually/used to enjoy
Pressure the other person into agreeing with you or changing to suit you better
Notice one of you has to justify your actions (e.g., where you go, who you see)
Notice one partner feels obligated to have sex or has been forced (double bold)
Have a lack of privacy, and may be forced to share everything with the other person
You or your partner refuse to use safer sex methods ( oh hey. Ignore this. But don't. But do.)
Notice arguments are not settled fairly
Experience yelling or physical violence during an argument
Attempt to control or manipulate each other
Notice your partner attempts to controls how you dress and criticizes your behaviors (soon...)
Do not make time to spend with one another
Have no common friends, or have a lack of respect for each others’ friends and family
Notice an unequal control of resources (e.g., food, money, home, car, etc.)(fuck it. Going for gold. Gonna add this later.)
Experience a lack of fairness and equality
----
I honestly think unhealthy relationship is the most accurate way to describe what's going on here, even if it comes off as soft. I certainly don't mean it soft. I mean it in a way that's worse than just rape. (holy crap I just typed that.) It's rape, then staying around your abuser, then doing it again, then compromising a little here and there untill... well... I dunno. But it's sure not gonna be good. And it includes friends as well...
Hey! I loved this comment! It made me really analyze what's happening here and what I'm saying! Thanks! If you want to stop reading because you don't like the content, I won't lose any sleep over it. But if you want to stop reading because you think I want you to think "everything is just fine", then... well, that's not what I want you to think but you do what you need to. lol. Ehh, that's enough sperging for now. Seriously though, thanks for the critical comment, and feel free to tear this apart!
Summary:
Darkly fun for the characters, unhealthy relationships is way more accurate for what I'm doing, I CONDONE NOTHING IN THIS STORY WHY DO YOU THINK I DO OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG THIS TIME?, and "REEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIEIIEIEIEIEIEIeeeeeee!"
*minor grammar edit (fixed a that too much that for as well can be much too. You know.)
8532102
Cool! Thanks for the feedback! I can absolutely play with the monologue stuff a little based on what you said! Thanks! I'll try to figure out what to do with the rabbit analogy. Unfortuantely, this as 7k words of just porn, so there was nowhere not porn to put it unless I made a space, and it needs to be close to that point. Maybe I'll mix it up a little somehow...
As far as the scene where Dash gets pissed, it's more about what she's seeing. She saw Shy "finish", and she heard Shy make noises like she's being hurt. She also see's that Ruby is not stopping, and is actively ignoring Shy's well being to get off. This is not something that Dash has experienced/seen, so she feels like Ruby is hurting Shy. Shy and Ruby don't mind, as they've experienced this sort of thing before, and Shy doesn't mind Ruby hurting her in this way at all. Rainbow does not know this, as all of her experiences with watching Shy and Ruby so far have been more "two sided". Maybe I should figure out how to include it in the story better...
8531974
Thanks! Gonna include that. Appreciate the feedback! Can't promise the next chapter will have much Ruby though. Man. Balancing three characters for attention is more difficult than I thought it would be. lol.
8531670
Oh, I love after care stuff. If you do decide to put it in there somewhere I certainly wouldn't complain.
8531670
Not sure if that's sarcasm but it was honestly the fact that rd has been dub-con to non-con this who story right up until she gets stockholme syndrome paired with fluttershy kinda brushing off her concerns.
RD is a prisoner to here own character here, betrayed by a friend she would never leave. maybe CTS spoiled me but all this painful rapey stuff and psychological horror kills it for me.
Specifically I stopped shortly after the masterbation scene where everyone is "a lion" now because it hinted that this "consent" was going to constantly remain an unhealthy and dangerous relationship through the whole thing, but that was more just the straw that broke the back than anything.
8534244
Not at all sarcasm! Sorry, I'm bad about that. I'm deathly serious. I love when people tell me I go over the line, and expecially when they tell me why. I really do like negative comments much more than positive ones. They get me thinking and challange me more! I appreciate knowing what gets to be too much for folks in stories like these.
Yup! That is a good reason to bail. This is only going to get weirdly worse. She is in fact a prisoner to her character. She has the keys to escape. One of the things I like about this is it takes what seems like a (not really) harmless fantasy at first and explains why it's not a good idea in the long run. All the details around it work out to be quite disturbing once you dig into them. The longer you dig into them, the more weird and twisted things have to get for this to go on. The only way this really could have been "less dark" is if it was for a much shorter time or Rainbow was more into this from the get go. Both of those would still be unhealthy in their own way, but it would be more palatable.
One of the things I thought about when I originally started writing on this site was about old horror movies and how they always cut away right when the worst was about to happen. I made an effort to do the opposite, and highlight the "worst". In a way, I've kinda taken that a bit further. It might be a hot fantasy, but what happens to the characters when it's actually happening? What about when it's over?
Somebody's fantasy is somebody elses nightmare, but we tend to skip that. That's one of the things Rainbow notes when she first sees Shy's collection. It was kind of foreshadowing for how the story was going to go.
Imagine if Dash had left in the dinner table scene, basically saying "screw it. I'm done." That would have been less dark, but the fallout with these characters would still be... very unhealthy. She'd be pining for Shy, Shy would feel guilty now that Rainbow was gone, and Ruby would feel "cheated". How would that play out? I actually regret my decision now. lol. I kind of want to write that story. Hmm... New idea for later then.
That being said, I don't intend for this to be doom and gloom 100% of the time all the way through, but at some point Rainbow is going to settle into something like a routine here. All three of them will "normalize" in some way. That fact alone should have been disturbing from the beginning, and now we (myself included, I hadn't explored this out yet) know why!
Anyways, I'm serious about the comment. Next time I write a story I'll keep you in mind for "dark" levels and hope I do better at staying just on the side of interesting for you. Actually, mind if I send a thing to you to pre-read when I get around to finishing it? It's something that is dark but I really don't want to cross that line. I want it to be "intriguing dark" instead of "repulsively dark". It's related indirectly to my Android story...
My first draft of the story didn't have the bunny thing, didn't have Shy's inner dialogue, and was basically pure pornography. You probably would have liked it better, but I didn't want to keep it like that in this story.
Besides, now that Dash has killed her Angel, what will her devil make her do? It's questions like these that keep me going...
8532492
Whup I was definitely not expecting an essay response complete with references offa that, lemme tell you.
Um let's see how to explain/clarify...
that put her on the list of "arguably at fault here"
This is actually an example of what I meant I was uncomfortable with. The thing is, she is NOT at fault for any abuse or non-con. At all. Period. She could strip naked, park herself in the living room and shout emasculating insults to Ruby, and would that be stupid? Obviously yes. But if he decides to prey on her stupidity, she is not somehow responsible for his choice to do so, he is still solely responsible. Suggesting she's at fault for her own exploitation and abuse makes excuses for the horrible things the other characters are doing, and accordingly, downplays their severity. Victim-blaming and excusing the bad shit was a common theme in the story itself which is fine, that's the characters, but then it started showing up in comments (among other themes) and that was just a little much for me. Lesson learned on avoiding the comment sections, I guess.
Not sure if you wanted my two cents on what's dark here, but if you did -- I'd say probably Fluttershy, and to some extent Rainbow's acceptance (in a sense... or maybe her breaking/giving up on whatever resistance she had previously? Not sure how to word it) Like--Fluttershy was a shitty person from the word 'go' here, but she was just selfish and shockingly dismissive and uncaring of Rainbow's feelings and well-being before. In this chapter she managed to cross over into actively preying on and exploiting her own friend. She makes token gestures to "free" her friend knowing full well Rainbow won't take them, and when those efforts predictably fail she rolls right into using Rainbow's crush and her knowledge of her old friend to manipulate and coerce her into having sex that is very unhealthy for Rainbow at this point with someone she knows Rainbow considers to be her rapist. Given that Rainbow is incredibly self-destructive in this story, Fluttershy's betrayal is extra horrible because she's the one person who might be able to actually help her--but instead she goes with exploiting her vulnerabilities to groom her to her preferred lifestyle. She's kinda sociopathic, actually.
Anyway! That's what I'd consider dark here. You've written some very complex and interesting characters, but none of them are particularly likeable at this point -- which probably comes with the territory for the kind of story that this is, honestly, though it can make it tough to read.
8534795
I actually respect this. I don't know if I'll continue... but I'll. leave a like just so that others might see this eye opener about how dark the attraction of non-con/dub-con gets. It's a concept seldom explored in this light and there are a lot of rape fics that try to make light of the events... maybe you shouldn't butcher the dark side of this yet, maybe just add a few consequences to these actions and possibly even explore ruby's questions about his own morality. I've got a few ideas on where it could go that might make it bearable but I don't have the mindset that allows me to gave into that void and not become seriously unnerved, partially due to personal reasons.
PM me a link if you want me to preread something or discuss this a little more openly.
8534942
Cool! Thanks for the comment and the discussion! I love discussion, so I'm gonna keep poking you with this to see what comes up. If you don't like discussion, then thanks for the comment, and the bottom half of this is actual response!
My point with Rainbow being on the list of "arguably at fault" is that Rainbow knows what's going to happen to her here. At this point, the grand scheme of what's happening to her is not a surprise to her, just the details. So if she knows this is the "most likely" outcome, has an option for other choices and chooses the path with this as "the most likely outcome". This is not stupidity, this is a conscious decision. At what point does it become her fault? Will it ever? What about if along this path she gets somebody else hurt? Is that her fault, or Ruby's, or Shy's?
I'm well aware that this leads to dangerous territory. I don't think the victim is ever at fault. But when does somebody stop being a victim? Because that really does happen at some point. Child soldiers become adult murderers. Sexual abuse victims can become abusers. It's easier to identify when they are separate instances and separate "victims/perpetrators". But what if someone starts to abuse their abuser? The original victim is still not at fault, but now they are at fault for a new "Event". Is it revenge? Does it make it okay because the old abuser "deserves it?"
I've met a rare few amount of people who are incorrigible assholes, the true "archetypal" predator types but they are real. And I've been forced to spend time with them on occasion. Most of them share a similar story, and it involves really bad parents. It's almost always parents when the person is so odious they can barely hide it under a sheen of fake charisma. If you've met them, you know the type. If not, lucky you. That does not forgive them for what they are and what they've done. They are still victims, but they are absolutely fucking at fault.
In this story, so far at least, Rainbow had a pretty clear inkling of what was going to happen to her from the beginning. She has had many opportunities to bow out, or make this stop somehow. She's actually (very much intentionally on my part BTW) been a cog that keeps this going. In the first chapter, she's the real reason Ruby ends up with the writs. In the second one, she had to make the decision about the princess cards. In the third and fourth one, she could have walked away in more than one place or just not came back and it would have been fine. In the fifth she also punches Ruby (which is actually okay because I'd throw that cleanly under self defense, but it still pushes the story along). In the sixth one, she shuts down Ruby's fear and assures him that the deal is still on.
The sixth one in my mind, is the start of the turning point for her. It's where it gets kinda hazy to the reader how willing or unwilling she is after this point. She makes a conscious decision where she weighs her experience with what happened vs potential "rewards" and decides that the experience was worth it in some way. (They are three all wrong here, BTW). Any of the princesses, assuming they are sane, would get them out of this situation. Rainbow probably knows this. She is fully aware she has a few ways out that are clean. Her motivation isn't to protect Fluttershy like she keeps telling herself but to kick out Ruby. That's really it. She wants him gone, but she's unwilling to let it happen from outside forces because she's too proud. It has to be her, Ruby, and Shy that settle this in her mind. She tells him the deal is still on, and then goes upstairs and makes plans for when her and Shy kick him out. He believes she's being honest. She's trapped by her desire to be the "number 1", but what does that mean for everybody else?
Dash is still 100% a victim, but she's a very real cog in what's happening and the story wouldn't be able to progress the same way at all if she was able to let go of a few issues. Of course, the same could be said about Ruby. He just doesn't realize what's going on just yet. You think Fluttershy is just grooming Dash? Ruby has no fucking idea what's going down, and Shy doesn't quite understand either. But Dash realized it early, and is keenly aware of the situation moreso than the other two characters. The first time she saw Ruby and Shy together, it goes: "Dash realized something terrifying—Fluttershy was in charge. She was playing Ruby and was putting on a show for Dash".
Same chapter Dash thinks this:
"But Fluttershy wasn’t going to let her leave, and Fluttershy was going to make Dash become like she was."
Dash knew, and still knows what Fluttershy is going to do. She is aware that Shy intends to "groom" her, even if she doesn't know the word for it. This is not nearly as much a surprise for her as it seems to be to the readers. She has made the conscious choice to participate several times because she's been willing to go through with this. She can't organize her thoughts for shit, but it's still in there and pops up every now and then. It's been part of her active censoring. Was she emotionaly prepared? Nope. She was most certainly not. And she's a very emotional character.
The reason I think the dinner table conversation was the turning point for her was she had enough information. She knew that this was too much for her emotionally, but she still decided to keep going because pride and pride alone.
Oddly, Fluttershy had no idea it was going to turn out quite like this. She was too caught up in her own excitement to really think it through for the other characters or even herself. It's not so much that she's sociopathic as it was consuming wishful thinking on her part coupled with short sightedness when it came to relationships. She really wants it to be the case that everybody is happy, so as long as Dash pretends she'll keep pretending everything is fine. Dash is also somewhat aware of this, so she's acting like a sick bird and doing her best to pretend that nothing is wrong. (real coping mechanism, unfortunately.)
Once again, I do not condone anything in this story, and I don't condone victim blaming. But while dash has been victimized, she is at least arguably at fault for the situation she's in. I think it's silly to say she had no part in building this situation. Note, I even put drunken Twilight on that list. I do not think she is responsible for the rape/abuse either, because it never occurred to her that it might happen. The aforementioned bits are really because I like discussion and thinking about things. Sorry!
()()()()()() Skip to here
I completely agree with you about the situation you described, but what if instead of de-masculating things she kept telling him it was okay and that this was what she wanted? While that's very clearly not what's happening with Ruby, it's very very close to what's happening with Fluttershy. And Fluttershy wants it so much to be true. The token Gestures to free Dash aren't just for Dash, they are actually more for herself. (for better or worse, its so she can feel less guilty) Even so, she'd take Dash up on them in an instant if Dash agreed...
But yeah, Fluttershy's acting a little straight up evil here. Her behavior in the most recent chapter is a result of a few things I hadn't planned on, namely a request from my SO. lol. If it's her sudden behavior in that chapter(three of a kind), I'm sorry. Blame her.
You are 100% right about likeable at the moment. They are all not very likable. That's why I wanted the "aftercare scene" for Shy and Dash to talk through some of their thoughts and open up about things a bit. Not to make up for what's happened, but to be more honest(about some things) with each other going forward. I think character growth can be a likable thing, but I need to see how it pans out. Maybe it makes them worse. Dunno. I'm also serious about retconning this story if people really don't like specific things, I am not too attached to anything really in it.
Goddamnit. Manifesto again. lol. Just gonna stop.
Seriously, thanks for the comments! I really appreciate you pointing exactly what made it darker for you. And I always want your two cents. Always.
So is this story dead