• Published 1st Nov 2018
  • 347 Views, 33 Comments

Starlight Rider Kicks Everything - PresentPerfect

Starlight Glimmer has gotten her hooves on Twilight Sparkle's Friendship Journal. And a time travel spell. And a Driver. And a bunch of Ridewatches. And she realizes that she could fix everything with time travel and Rider kicks. So she does.

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The End of the Beginning

Starlight Rider Kicks Everything
by Present Perfect

Omake: The End of the Beginning

Starlight Glimmer gritted her teeth and wiped the blood from her snout. Another Episodes ringed around her, fainting at her with their claws, taunting her with their cruel, twisted visages, dark mockeries of the episodes that had spawned them. There were just so many.

Her quest to return the Ridewatches had somehow led to this point, when she had like fucking two hundred of them. Yes, even from the episodes that haven't aired yet. Well, except for the one from The Parent Map; that episode was too close to home. But anyway, she had to carry them around in a couple of saddlebags. Trixie helped, too, and there were just so many that neither of them had even used them all yet. But they jolly well had them!

"We're done for, Trixie," said Starlight. Her eyes flicked left, to see her boon companion, fellow Kamen Rider, and sweet-flanked marefriend picking herself up off the ground. The last hit had knocked her out of her transformation. For a moment, Starlight had been afraid she'd never get up again.

"Like Tartarus we are," hissed Trixie, her broken tooth slurring the s. "You get the last Watch. Trixie will hold them off."

She slapped her Gays Watch on one side of her Driver, and on the other, she inserted a blue plastic thingy shaped like a Ridwatch, but that had a bigass hourglass on the front. The hourglass was clear, and full of little blue beads that actually ran through the bottleneck part when she flipped it over. (Only ¥3000 at your local JapanMart!)

"Henshin!" she shouted.

"GEIZ REVIVE: SHIPPU!" said the hourglass watch, and then Trixie was off faster than the speed of light, beatin' up dudes cuz that's cool.

How Starlight loved that mare.

She turned her eyes to the ringleader, the false Time King who had brought all these episodes to wrack and ruin. Grogar laughed an evil laugh and used his big ram horns to send bolts of magic down at her and Trixie. He missed.

"You'll never defeat me, Kamen Riders! Nyah hah hah hah!" That is definitely what Grogar sounds like.

"I finally understand," said Princess Celestia, lifting the limp pink mane from off her eyes. "All this time, the power was in me... and also in you, my little pony."

Celestia turned her limpid pools toward Starlight, who again had to choke back a sob at seeing her princess reduced to base mortality. A light in the world had truly gone out when whatever bad thing happened to her had happened. It doesn't matter what it was, this is gonna get canon-screwed eventually.

"Take this," said Celestia, and hoofed Starlight one more goddamned Ridewatch, only ¥2500 at your local JapanMart! (「私たちのおもちゃを買う!これは良いスローガンです!」)

Starlight took the plastic piece of crap in her numb hooves, and clicked the little button on the top. "CELESTIA!" cried the voice of the man trapped within. How she hated that tiny man and his tiny, tiny voice.

Then something different began to happen. And let me take a moment to impress upon you, dear reader, that different had not happened for about three dozen episodes by this point.

The Celestia Ridewatch glowed with a bright solar light. All the Watches in Starlight's saddlebags joined suit. Like, she could tell because the light was so damn bright it was coming through the burlap, same with Trixie's.

All two thousand motherfucking Ridewatches, including the new one, lifted up into the air and swirled around her. There were so many of the shitting things, they made a mini-tornado, and all the Another Episodes were forced to retreat so they could get cut to ribbons by the less-literal whirlwind that was Trixie.

Once the winds and the lights and so forth had had their time to shine, or the effects budget ran out, Starlight found herself holding a much bigger Ridewatch. It was gold, and had an image of her armor's faceplate in gold on the front.

"GURANDO ESSU-ZI!" said the tiny man.

Suddenly, a man dressed in a badly-tailored brown long coat with like, unnecessary holes in the arms and a big, long, extremely weird brown scarf appeared from out of the bushes! Or something! He was holding a big steampunk book, and he threw up his free hand with a flourish.

"Iwae!" he cried in a grandiose manner. Translator's note: 'Iwae' means 'rejoice'.

"The one to inherit all episode powers," he continued in Japanese. "The Time King who will rule over the past and future! And her name is Kamen Rider Grand Essu-Zi!" He coughed into his hand. "And yes, it still counts if she's missing one..."

"Uh," said Starlight, staring at the man and then down at the big honkin' gold Ridewatch. "Who are you again?"

"I'm Woz," said Woz, in his Woz-y way. Also, he was still speaking Japanese.

"Just put the feathering thing on and transform, Starlight!" shouted Trixie, who was a lady and thus not prone to swearing. Oh, who am I kidding, she's trailer trash and swears like a sailor. It's just that they're pony swears, which are adorable.

Steeling herself, Starlight pulled out her Essu-Zi Watch and lit it. I mean, pressed the button. It just sounds cooler if I say she lit it. She pressed the button on the Grand Watch, and...

Like a bazillion little circles with an image from each episode popped out of the sides of it. I mean, it was already larger than a regular Watch, those are like a solid hoofful. But in one swift motion, this fucker had literally tripled in size. Starlight was beginning to have difficulty holding it up.

"Uh," she said, side-eying it warily as she slid it into the receptor on the left side of her Driver. The Watch dwarfed it. "Henshin?"

She spun her Driver.

Well, to be more precise, she smacked it like she normally would have to transform, and nothing happened.

Woz sucked in a breath through his teeth. "Hit it harder," he hissed, though no one understood him because, y'know, Japanese still.

"I think I have to hit it harder," said Starlight, grasping onto the solution to her problem via the miracle of I-need-to-finish-this-up-already.

So she smacked it harder.

Her Driver spun.

And the Grand Essu-Zi watch, in all its grandiose, ridiculous golden plastic glory, clocked her upside the head and knocked her the fuck out.

Trixie stopped her fighting to gawk. She got mobbed by a pile of monsters.

Grogar laughed until he had a heart attack and died.

Woz retreated into the bushes, biting his fist and hissing through his teeth.

Haha, I just realized now that I said "clocked". You get it? Clocked? Like how they use watches to transform?

I'm funny.

Author's Note:

You want a lesson? There is no lesson! The lesson is Buy Our Toys. I'm just sorry I don't know where Japanese people shop. Tesco?

I really hope I got that final episode title right. I mean, it seems like that's what it should be, but we're still a few months out and there's been no leak for it yet. <.< Oh well, won't be the dumbest thing I've ever written. Oh wait yes it will

I need to write Woz into more things. :)

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Comments ( 6 )

This is an entirely accurate representation of Zi-O. I approve.

Also Woz. Gotta love Woz. IWAE!

This chapter episode would sell toys.

Author Interviewer

Unfortunately, if I wrote Woz in Equestria, it would just be a Things Rainbow Dash Doesn't Like beat-the-joke-into-the-ground random comedy where he shouts Iwae! at random shit. :P


I love Woz. So much.

Author Interviewer

He's great. :D


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