• Published 1st Nov 2018
  • 346 Views, 33 Comments

Starlight Rider Kicks Everything - PresentPerfect



Starlight Glimmer has gotten her hooves on Twilight Sparkle's Friendship Journal. And a time travel spell. And a Driver. And a bunch of Ridewatches. And she realizes that she could fix everything with time travel and Rider kicks. So she does.

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Ponyville Confidential

Starlight Rider Kicks Everything
by Present Perfect

Part 2: Ponyville Confidential

"The editor-in-chief is the pony in charge," said Cheerilee to her attentive class, "from choosing the stories to making sure it gets to press on time. Now, as I said, we have a new editor this year!"

She motioned to the door, which opened somehow, revealing none other than...

"Diamond Tiara?" shouted the students in dismay, disbelief, and dyspepsia.

Diamond flicked her mane over her shoulder, giving her classmates and smug and smoldering look. She opened her mouth, likely to say something disparaging, but was cut off as somepony behind her shouted, "RAIDA KIKKU!"

She only had time to turn around and ask "W--" before she was blasted through the other wall of the Ponyville school house by an explosive kick. And when I say "explosive", I'm talking she literally flew up into the atmosphere and exploded.

With a ding and a plop, a small pink-rimmed plastic watch-looking thing landed next to the pony who had Rider Kicked Diamond Tiara into eternity.

Said pony was wearing full-body plastic armor that kind of looked like a red dragon, and there was a big grey plastic thing around her neck. And when I say "around her neck", I mean it was actually situated right in front of her chest, because I know some pedant's going to be like, "But how do it spins around lol?" like shit, no, it's not right up against her goddamn neck, work with me here.

Anyway, everypony in the room was staring at her, open-mouthed.

"What?" asked Starlight "Shit Blows the Fuck Up" Glimmer.

"Did..." Cheerilee swallowed. "Did you just kill one of my students?"

"You'll thank me for it later," said Starlight through probably some kind of loudspeaker built into her armor. Should have mentioned that before.

She thrust a hoof out, pointing at the fat weirdo in the back of the classroom, the one wearing the fez. (No, the other fat weirdo in the back of the classroom, god.)

"You're the new editor-in-chief," she said.

"Now wait just a minute." Cheerilee had gotten her mare balls together and was seriously ready to face down this world-destroying equicide because that's how teachers do. "You can't just storm in here and dictate--"

"I can." Starlight's magic removed the red-rimmed plastic watch from the right side of her grey doohicky, which I'm gonna let y'all know right now is called the Siggu Driver. Okay? So I don't have to be coy about it anymore?

Anyway, she pulled the red watch off, and the dragon parts of her armor faded away into sparkles, leaving just the regular grey parts behind, because that watch had a picture of a dragon on it. She picked up the new pink watch, the one with a picture of Diamond Tiara's smug fucking face on it, clicked the little button on top of it, and it went, "TIARA!"

"Because I'm..."

She spun the Driver 360 degrees again, because that's how this works for some reason, and the thing shouted, "KAMEN RAIDAAAAA! Essu-Zi!" It projected a silhouette of Diamond Tiara in front of her, and she spun around and kicked it.

"Armor Time!" said a guy who -- I am not kidding -- sounds like Homer fucking Simpson, and then the image literally exploded into a bunch of plastic bits that attached themselves to Starlight's Rider Armor. She got like, flowy purple-and-white mane and a crown and shit.

"Tiaraaaaa!" sang the appropriate toy.

Then she pointed at Cheerilee, emitted some kind of weird mind-control ray from her forehead, and said, "Fatso's the new editor-in-chief."

"Fatso's the new editor-in-chief," said Cheerilee, caught in a dream-like trance because she'd been fucking mind-controlled with Diamond Tiara powers. Because that's just how Starlight "Your Ass Is Mine" Glimmer rolls.

"Good." Then Starlight fucked off out the door.

Another friendship lesson, saved by Kamen Rider Essu-Zi! Or whatever, I guess.

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