Starlight Glimmer has gotten her hooves on Twilight Sparkle's Friendship Journal. And a time travel spell. And a Driver. And a bunch of Ridewatches. And she realizes that she could fix everything with time travel and Rider kicks. So she does.
(Not an Equestria Girls story. That's literally the only relevant image I could find.)
Starlight Glimmer has gotten her hooves on Twilight Sparkle's Friendship Journal. And a time travel spell. And a Driver. And a bunch of Ridewatches. And she realizes that she could fix everything with time travel and Rider kicks.
So she does.
A parody of my entries in Starlight Fixes Everything, as well as Kamen Rider Zi-O, started before the latter ever aired. The reader is encouraged to read this and watch this (start around 1:50), and they will have as much information as they need to grok this pile of stupid. Oh my god, it's so dumb.
These losers are having so much nookie and I’m just sitting by myself reading an extremely niche and even more extremely dumb crossover.
Starlight Rider Kicks Everything by Present Perfect
Part 1: Dragonshy
With a clap of a thunder and a burp of aether, Starlight Glimmer appeared in the past, standing atop the unnamed mountain that used to overlook Ponyville. (It had been razed after the particular incident she was here to short-circuit.) The lump of grey plastic affixed around her neck purred contentedly.
"Okay, you giant sack of dragon fuck," she grumbled to herself. "Time to end this."
Lighting her horn, she stomped her way into the dragon's deep, dark, smoke-emitting cave, because she was Starlight "GlimGlam" Glimmer, and Glimmy don't give no fucks.
"Yo, wake the shit up!" she roared, rounding the corner to where she could see the hoard of crap that glittered in her horn light. Okay, maybe it more glimmered, whatever.
One pony-sized eyelid cracked open to regard her.
"I'm here to tell you to knock this mess off, get the eff out, and don't come back unless you want this horn up your ass!" She glared daggers into the eye. Ballsy. "Capiche?"
All she got for her troubles -- and, let's be real, hubris -- was a face full of smoke.
Coughing and sputtering, she staggered to the room's entrance.
"Don't say--" She choked on the last remnants of smoke in her lungs. That'd be two years off the end of her life. "Don't say I didn't warn you." She wiped her mouth, then produced something from her saddlebag.
It was like a small lantern or something. It was round and plastic, and she used her magic to turn its clockish face until the image lined up and showed a pony head in silhouette instead of the garble it had been before. She jammed the button on top of it.
"ESSU ZI!" said the little fucker.
She jammed it onto the right side of the bigger plastic thingy around her neck, which began ticking. Standing on her hind legs, she did like a cool Tai Chi pose and shouted, "Henshin!" (Translator's note: 'Henshin' means 'Change'.) Then she swung her leg down and knocked the doodad around her neck into a wicked 360. Like, it could catch major air while grinding a rail or something, I dunno what kids do these days.
"Rider... time!" said the lump of grey crap in like, the most bored voice ever. And then from out of nowhere, some asshat sang, "KAMEN RAIDAAAA! Essu Zi!" like they was in an 80's hair metal band or some shit. God, what?
The number 2018 scrolled past the screen, and then she was on her hooves and wearing weird armor that looked like a wristwatch. I shit you not, they don't even use wristwatches in 2018 anymore. Who came up with this? Someone literally thought this was a good idea and got paid real money for it. Think about that when you go to work tomorrow.
Anyway, this got the dragon's full attention. He was starting to think that maybe this little shitstain of a pony was worth his time, by which I mean worth setting on fire and eating. So he rose himself up to his full height and snorted out a little flame just to show the pony who they were dealing with, y'know, who was boss. Only problem was, there wasn't enough him to go around.
Starlight launched herself at the dragon, running right into his arm. The dragon screeched, more from surprise than from the pain, but that was okay, because the pain was coming.
She threw lightning-fast punches and kicks all up the dragon's arm, and then down his chest, and then like, back around his butt or something, I don't know dragon physiology. Point is, she beat the crap out of every square inch of him for a solid, like, twenty seconds. She even kicked him right in the nose, hot damn.
By the end of it, that dragon was a snivelling heap on the floor of his cave. He was even thinking about maybe offering some of his gold coins to get the pony to stop. Just a few, mind you; dragons are kind of dumb that way.
"HAAAAAH!" shouted Starlight, because it was really important for you to know exactly the sound she was shouting while she powered up with golden light or some shit.
She launched high into the air, juuuuust missing out on scraping the ceiling. Kicking off from the rock above her, she flipped around and rocketed down on the dragon's head with one leg outstretched.
"RAIDAH KIKKU!"
The impact left a relatively tiny mark in the dragon's forehead, right between his eyes, in the shape of the word "KICK".
Then the dragon exploded.
When the smoke cleared, all that was left was Starlight "Zettai Yurusenai" Glimmer and a pile of worthless fucking gems and shit. I mean, it was worth a lot to you or me, sure, but ponies have that kinda bling growin' out they walls.
Her grey thingy dinged, and the time spell sucked her out into the next one of these.
And that's how Kamen Rider S-Zi saved Ponyville from the mysterious cloud of black smoke that was threatening to plunge it into a hundred years of darkness. And nopony even thanked her. Ingrates.
Starlight Rider Kicks Everything by Present Perfect
Part 2: Ponyville Confidential
"The editor-in-chief is the pony in charge," said Cheerilee to her attentive class, "from choosing the stories to making sure it gets to press on time. Now, as I said, we have a new editor this year!"
She motioned to the door, which opened somehow, revealing none other than...
"Diamond Tiara?" shouted the students in dismay, disbelief, and dyspepsia.
Diamond flicked her mane over her shoulder, giving her classmates and smug and smoldering look. She opened her mouth, likely to say something disparaging, but was cut off as somepony behind her shouted, "RAIDA KIKKU!"
She only had time to turn around and ask "W--" before she was blasted through the other wall of the Ponyville school house by an explosive kick. And when I say "explosive", I'm talking she literally flew up into the atmosphere and exploded.
With a ding and a plop, a small pink-rimmed plastic watch-looking thing landed next to the pony who had Rider Kicked Diamond Tiara into eternity.
Said pony was wearing full-body plastic armor that kind of looked like a red dragon, and there was a big grey plastic thing around her neck. And when I say "around her neck", I mean it was actually situated right in front of her chest, because I know some pedant's going to be like, "But how do it spins around lol?" like shit, no, it's not right up against her goddamn neck, work with me here.
Anyway, everypony in the room was staring at her, open-mouthed.
"What?" asked Starlight "Shit Blows the Fuck Up" Glimmer.
"Did..." Cheerilee swallowed. "Did you just kill one of my students?"
"You'll thank me for it later," said Starlight through probably some kind of loudspeaker built into her armor. Should have mentioned that before.
She thrust a hoof out, pointing at the fat weirdo in the back of the classroom, the one wearing the fez. (No, the other fat weirdo in the back of the classroom, god.)
"You're the new editor-in-chief," she said.
"Now wait just a minute." Cheerilee had gotten her mare balls together and was seriously ready to face down this world-destroying equicide because that's how teachers do. "You can't just storm in here and dictate--"
"I can." Starlight's magic removed the red-rimmed plastic watch from the right side of her grey doohicky, which I'm gonna let y'all know right now is called the Siggu Driver. Okay? So I don't have to be coy about it anymore?
Anyway, she pulled the red watch off, and the dragon parts of her armor faded away into sparkles, leaving just the regular grey parts behind, because that watch had a picture of a dragon on it. She picked up the new pink watch, the one with a picture of Diamond Tiara's smug fucking face on it, clicked the little button on top of it, and it went, "TIARA!"
"Because I'm..."
She spun the Driver 360 degrees again, because that's how this works for some reason, and the thing shouted, "KAMEN RAIDAAAAA! Essu-Zi!" It projected a silhouette of Diamond Tiara in front of her, and she spun around and kicked it.
"Armor Time!" said a guy who -- I am not kidding -- sounds like Homer fucking Simpson, and then the image literally exploded into a bunch of plastic bits that attached themselves to Starlight's Rider Armor. She got like, flowy purple-and-white mane and a crown and shit.
"Tiaraaaaa!" sang the appropriate toy.
Then she pointed at Cheerilee, emitted some kind of weird mind-control ray from her forehead, and said, "Fatso's the new editor-in-chief."
"Fatso's the new editor-in-chief," said Cheerilee, caught in a dream-like trance because she'd been fucking mind-controlled with Diamond Tiara powers. Because that's just how Starlight "Your Ass Is Mine" Glimmer rolls.
"Good." Then Starlight fucked off out the door.
Another friendship lesson, saved by Kamen Rider Essu-Zi! Or whatever, I guess.
Starlight Rider Kicks Everything by Present Perfect
Part 3: Rainbow Falls
Soarin flew intricate loops through the practice rings as the Ponyville relay team watched from below. The Cloudsdale cheerponies started cheering, and he lifted his goggles to give them a wave, because he's kind of an idiot. Which was why he flew right into a--
"RAIDAH KIKKU!"
...An incoming flying armor pony, who kicked him right in the jaw and sent him spiralling into the sky somehow. More into the sky, anyway, since he was already flying.
"I regret everythiiiiiiiing!" he cried, and then he exploded.
The armored pony, who kind of looked like a red dragon, 'cause of the wings and stuff, did a superhero landing right in front of the other two Wonderbolts, who were shocked for about two seconds. That was enough time for the pony to lay a hoof right upside Fleetfoot's jaw.
"RAIDAH PAWNCH!"
Fleetfoot flipped end over end, clearing the Cloudsdale team tent and exploding when she hit the ground on the other side.
Now, say what you will about the Wonderbolts. They're kind of shit, right? Well, Spitfire had just seen two of her teammates get one-shotted and then explode. Her opponent was in full body armor and had unknown capabilities. And Spitfire went for it.
In no time flat, the two ponies were locked in hoof-to-hoof combat, superior strength countered by superior agility. Despite having no augmentations whatsoever, Spitfire, Captain of the Wonderbolts, stood her damn ground against the masked assailant, and for every blow she evaded, she gave two more to her foe.
Not that they did much, mind you. But the ponies around them were cheering like crazy. They didn't know what was going on; all they knew was it looked awesome.
That is, until the armored pony got in a good feint and knocked Spitfire sideways into the dirt. This gave her just enough time to spin the grey thingy on her chest three-hundred-sixty degrees.
"KAMEN RAIDAAAA! Essu-Zi!"
The pony launched herself into the air and shouted, "RAIDAH KIKKU!" again. Spitfire dragged herself to her hooves, saw the armored pony rocketing towards her from above and faced her end with the dignity and courage only a true master of the skies could possess.
She exploded on impact.
Kamen Rider Essu-Zi superhero landed on the other side of the explosion. She thrust a hoof out and a little blue plastic watch dropped into it, bearing the likenesses of the three Wonderbolts she'd just creamed. Her audience gaped as her armor dissolved, revealing a familiar pink unicorn beneath.
"I have so many questions right now," mumbled Fluttershy.
"Starlight?" Rainbow Dash screamed, her voice cracking. "What the hay did you do that for?"
"That's what happens when I'm not in season three," Starlight "Mayan Apocalypse" Glimmer growled. "Also, I just really wanted to punch Fleetfoot in the teeth."
She removed the red dragon watch from the Siggu Driver and plugged the Wonderbolt one in its place. She gave the thing a spin, and it projected an image of Spitfire in front of her.
"KAMEN RAIDAAAA! Essu-Zi!"
"Hold on," cried Rainbow, rushing forward, "you can't just armor up and leave again. I'm still trying to work through all that stuff you told me about Applejack! Especially because she's doing app--"
"Ugh, I know." Starlight made a face. "The apple brown betties thing. You have my sympathies, Dash, but I never said love was easy."
She kicked the image and it armored her back up. Now, she was all blue with yellow stripes and regular, non-dragon wings.
"Anyway, I gotta book. Smell you later, Rainbow Dash."
She kicked off the ground and rocketed into the stratosphere. The only reason Rainbow Dash didn't catch her was that she was too stunned for words. Well, and Starlight disappeared through space and time and stuff.
My god, what the hell. Who's even the hero in this story? Was that good, what we just saw? Was that something we should be rooting for? Well, the armored pony watching from the shadows certainly didn't think so...
Starlight Rider Kicks Everything by Present Perfect
Part 4: Flutter Brutter
"Wait for me, sweetie!"
Flashy Glasses laughed as she chased her fiancee from cloud to cloud high above Cloudsdale. She had never been one for fast flight, and neither was Swishy Topknot, but together, the two introverted ponies could have conquered the world. They gave each other the strength they needed to be the ponies they truly were, deep inside.
"Think you can catch me, future Mrs. Shy?" he laughed, turning over on his back. His mustache and long, turquoise dreadlocks flowed in the breeze as his wings plowed the air below hm.
Flashy adjusted her flower crown and, tongue sticking out the side of her mouth, put on an extra burst of speed. "I think I can, future Mr. Shy!"
Early in their relationship, they had latched onto the similarity in their names: the letters S-H-Y. It was their own private joke that one day, they would share "Shy" as a last name.
They were disgustingly cute and saccharine like that.
They were also being watched, unbeknownst to them. So add "careless" to the stack of things which described their state.
Because, in flying on his back, the future Mr. Shy had left a very important and, shall we say, vulnerable part of his anatomy open for all and sundry to gaze upon.
"RAIDAH KIKKU!"
Sundry indeed was the armored pony who rocketed from a nearby cloud, hoof aimed straight for Mr. Shy's junk.
The air whistled past her helmet as she plummeted through the sky like a bomb loosed above a sleepy seaside town. The happy couple laughed and played together, entirely oblivious to the Sword of Damocles hanging above them.
Starlight's armor screamed against the air pressure. Mr. Shy's ghoulies lay, helpless and unaware, bringing thoughts of nookie to Ms. Shy.
The hoof drew inexorably closer to its target.
Fifty hooflengths.
Twenty.
Ten.
Somewhere in the back of Starlight's mind, an unborn Fluttershy cried out for her own existence. Too late; the price was too high.
"RAIDAH KIKKU!"
Starlight was knocked off course as something large and red collided with her. She went shrieking through three clouds in a row, finally catching the attention of the would-be Shys, who startled, screamed and hugged each other close.
Starlight bounced off the cloud surface, rolling until she was able to catch herself with her forehooves. Her rear legs dangled over the edge as she screeched to a halt.
Lungs heaving, she glanced up to see what had attacked her.
Hovering a few dozen hooflengths away was another armored pony. This one wore red and yellow, instead of her own grey with pink. The second pony had a spinny neck thing similar to her own, only its display read "GEIZ". Whoever they were, Starlight could tell their gaze was filled with nothing but condescension.
Starlight got to her hooves. "What's the meaning of this?" she growled.
"You have gone too far, Essu-Zi," sad the other pony. A mechanical modulator garbled the pony's voice to unidentifiability. "If you won't stop yourself from destroying the timeline, then I will."
On the one hoof, Starlight had to agree. Maybe she had gone a little too far, this time. She'd left quite the trail of destruction behind her, after all.
On the other hoof, she was Starlight "Goddamn" Glimmer. And nopony, but nopony, told Starlight Glimmer what to do.
With a yell, she launched herself into the air at the other armored pony. They saw the attack coming but reacted too slow, taking a series of blows to the face that broke their midair stance. Instantly, the two fighters were at each other's throats, kicking and punching at blinding speed. A particularly hard strike sent Starlight flying backward.
She pulled out the dragon Ridewatch, inserted it into her Driver, and spun it.
"DRAGONSHY!"
The other pony pulled out their own, pink and yellow watch and inserted it in their Driver, spinning it.
"FLUTTERSHY!"
Starlight surged forward with the might of a dragon, but a single glance from the other pony stopped her in her tracks.
She swapped the dragon watch for the Diamond one.
"TIARA!"
Exerting her will, she pushed back against the Stare that held her at bay. But the other Rider pulled out an orange watch with an image of three ponies on it.
"CRUSADERS!"
Suddenly, Starlight found herself surrounded by three opponents. Try as she might to control one of them, the others would surge in and double-team her.
"Two can play at this game," she said, pulling out another watch.
"WONDERBOLTS!" said her Driver.
Starlight grinned to herself as she split in three, gaining the upper hoof at least. The power of three full-grown pegasi was more than a match for three fillies. But her opponent had one more trick -- and watch -- up their sleeve.
"DASH!"
The three Riders merged back into one, who turned into a blue-and-rainbow blur. Despite the high speed her own Ridewatch granted her, the effort needed to keep her three selves organized was too much. She couldn't muster the reflexes to react to the light-speed attacks thrown at her.
In a trice, two of her clones exploded. The now-blue Rider appeared before her, cocking its head to the side.
"Tch."
A single hoof strike shattered Starlight's helmet, and the rest of her armor evaporated off of her as she fell through the sky.
"You haven't heard the last of meeeeee!" she shouted, though the wind stole the words from even her ears. "I didn't want a Zephyr Breeze Ridewatch anyway," she added in a grumble before winking out of existence. The other Rider vanished moments later.
The two Shies, still embracing tightly, looked at each other, panic written across their faces.
"When we get home, we are having so much nookie."
"Oh, Celestia, yes."
Later, they would agree that "Fluttershy" sounded like a good name for a filly.
Starlight Rider Kicks Everything by Present Perfect
Finale: Marks and Recreation
"Now wait just an apple-pickin' minute, Rumble," Apple Bloom cried. "Where do you think you're leadin' our campers?"
"They're not your campers anymore!" said Rumble, smug satisfaction sprawling over his face. "I'm starting a new camp!"
With the edge of his hoof, he drew a literal line in the sand.
"Everypony on this side of the line is in Camp Blank Flanks Forever!"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders gaped as the aforementioned blank flanks cheered for Rumble.
"You'd think Starlight would have shown up by now to keep things from getting this bad," Scootaloo grumble under her breath.
That was when two ponies in costume armor plowed through the line, narrowly missing the two groups of campers. Both sides went quiet, watching with amazement as a battle unfolded before them.
The armored ponies skidded into the horseshoe pit, uprooting the stiles and sending horseshoes scattering at high velocity into the crowd. Their silence turned into shouts and screams as foals on both sides of the now even-more-literal furrow scampered for the shelter of the camp cabins. The combatants kicked up a tremendous din as they battered each other with body blows. They skidded to a halt, the red fighter on top; the one in the grey armor kicked off the ground, launching them both into the air.
They crashed back down to earth.
Everything was silent for a moment as the loam and grass uprooted by the impact fountained out of the crater and back down again. The battle had been brought to a standstill for the moment, both ponies climbing, with great difficulty, from the hole they'd found themselves in.
Standing across the impact crater from one another, they heaved with the effort of breathing, while sizing each other up.
"Why... are you doing this?" asked the mare in grey.
"I have to stop you any way I can," said her opponent, vocal modulator keeping their identity well hidden. "You've gone too far, done too much. Now, it's time to quit."
The grey mare shook her head and chuckled wryly. "Or what? We'll keep fighting forever? What's it going to take to get you to leave me alone, huh? Apart from beating your flank into powder."
"Get me to stop?" The red pony snorted. "Take that armor off. Return the power you stole with those watches. Take the next time-travel spell back to where you belong. Then and only then will I stop."
The campers peered out from around doorframe and windowsills, daring to show no more than their eyes and the tops of their heads, yet unwilling to let the spectacle before them go unwatched. They all held their breaths.
The grey mare cracked her neck.
"Nopony," she said lowly, "but nopony tells Starlight 'You're the Man Now, Dog' Glimmer what to do."
She whipped out the Ridewatch with the dragon face on it, slamming it home in her Siggu Driver and knocking it for a loop.
"DRAGONSHY!"
The world spun around her.
The red armored pony, as well as the campers, all fell to the ground, heads spinning as red and yellow armor glommed itself onto Starlight's. She wasted no time, swooping in at her opponent and loosing a stream of fire. The other Rider rolled out of the way of the main attack, still taking some of the fire, and produced their own watch.
"You know you can't stop me that way," they shouted, placing it in their own Driver.
"FLUTTERSHY!"
"I don't have to!" Starlight cried, switching mid-flight to her Wonderbolts Ridewatch, splitting into three clones and pelting the now-yellow pony with lightning-quick attacks they didn't have the reflexes to counter.
"Who do you think you are, anyway?" she yelled, strafing in and out, keeping her opponent from switching watches. "Why do you care so damn much what I do?"
"I care..." The pony's breath hitched in their throat. "About the ponies you've hurt. All the problems you've tried..." They cried out in pain as another attack landed home, knocking a hastily procured watch from their magical grasp. "Tried to Rider kick away! You can't just kick your problems away, Starlight!"
They drew a long plastic saber, shaped like a wing, from behind them and used it to parry three attacks in succession. "DASH!" cried the Geiz Driver, as they just barely managed to change watches ahead of another Wonderbolt assault.
Starlight flew at the sword again and again, unable to break through the bladed defense. Regrouping herself, she drew a blue and yellow pistol from behind herself and took aim.
The other pony did not move as Starlight centered the crosshair sight over that yellow visor.
"I care about you, Starlight Glimmer," the pony said. They sounded winded, almost defeated.
Starlight pulled the trigger just as the other pony said, "I just want you to come home."
With a gasp, Starlight dropped her gun. "You..."
But it was too late. The other pony keeled over backward, a portion of their mask shattering from the impact of the Wonderbolt-themed energy bullet.
Starlight fell to the ground in an undignified heap, staring unblinking at the pony who had given her so much grief over so many timelines. Who had thwarted her time and again, ever since that debacle with Fluttershy's parents. The pony who had hounded her, stopped her from finishing dozens of conflicts before they started.
The words tore out of her throat reluctantly. "You c-can't be."
Both ponies drew the watches off their Drivers. Simultaneously, the armor melted away, leaving behind Starlight Glimmer and Trixie Lulamoon.
They were neither of them in good shape. Starlight was covered in bruises and gashes, from high-powered attacks the armor couldn't fully protect her from. A cut in Trixie's forehead bled down her face, and she held her left foreleg in the other.
"Why do you think I called myself Kamen Rider Gays?" asked Trixie, smirking through the blood dripping into her right eye.
Starlight cocked her head. "I thought it was pronounced 'Gate'."
"Gates. Whatever." Trixie rolled her good eye, tried to sit up, collapsed, and laughed. "You really got me good, Glim-Glim."
In an instant, Starlight was at her side, fretting over her with a hundred sobbed apologies. Trixie lay back, not protesting the ministrations to her wounds.
"Will you come home with me, Starlight?" she asked weakly. "That's all I've ever wanted. Just, give up this silly quest and come home, with me, where you belong."
"I was a fool, Trixie," Starlight gasped through her tears. Her magic couldn't stop the bleeding fast enough, to say nothing of her own wounds, which sapped her strength the more magic she used. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay." Trixie grinned up at her. "I put myself in danger because you only ever listen when somepony's beating you over the head. It's one of the things I lo--"
Her word was cut off as she coughed up a spray of blood, all over Starlight's face.
"Trixie? Trixie!" Starlight shook her, tears and blood streaming down her face. "Hang on, Trixie, you can't leave me like this!"
"Just watch me," Trixie said, her eyes closing. She coughed again, flecking Starlight's face with even more blood. So much blood, all over, oh my god, it was gross.
Starlight could only hold Trixie's limp body and shout her name to the heavens, weeping bitter tears as the folly of her transgressions disclosed itself in stark relief. The foals, one by one, emerged from the campsite cabins, heads and ears held low. With sorrowful looks to one another and nary a word spoken between them, they trudged down the ruined campground to bastion Starlight and Trixie in a half-circle. As Starlight cried over her friend, they bore silent witness to her pain and suffering.
This went on for some time.
Eventually, the foals got bored, decided this scene was hella lame, and went off to play somewhere that wasn't full of weepy and/or possibly dead adults, all previous cutie mark concerns forgotten. And then Starlight was alone, with Trixie. Who was totally dead, no lie. Starlight "The Death Detector" Glimmer is never wrong about this kind of thing.
Except she was.
With a gasp of air, Trixie came to, and Starlight wiped the blood and gore and other gross shit off her face, laughing in disbelief at the miraculous recovery, which, let's be real, we all saw coming and she didn't because Starlight "Sack o' Hammers" Glimmer is not the smartest of ponies.
"You're so fucking gay," Trixie said, laughing along with her. She grabbed Starlight's face in her hooves and brought it down for a long kiss.
Through the blood and gore and etc.
"Ugh," said Starlight, after they both thought better of it and pulled away. "Let's wash off and go home."
"Thought you'd never ask." Trixie smiled up at her. "Carry me?"
"Carry yourself, lardass," Starlight said with a wink.
Laughing, she hauled Trixie to her hooves, and the two of them limped their way back to Ponyville. They would return all the Ridewatches in time, not to mention themselves to the time they were supposed to be at. For now, they had each other, and the story of what had happened.
And everyone agreed it had been a colossal waste of time.
Starlight Rider Kicks Everything by Present Perfect
Omake: The End of the Beginning
Starlight Glimmer gritted her teeth and wiped the blood from her snout. Another Episodes ringed around her, fainting at her with their claws, taunting her with their cruel, twisted visages, dark mockeries of the episodes that had spawned them. There were just so many.
Her quest to return the Ridewatches had somehow led to this point, when she had like fucking two hundred of them. Yes, even from the episodes that haven't aired yet. Well, except for the one from The Parent Map; that episode was too close to home. But anyway, she had to carry them around in a couple of saddlebags. Trixie helped, too, and there were just so many that neither of them had even used them all yet. But they jolly well had them!
"We're done for, Trixie," said Starlight. Her eyes flicked left, to see her boon companion, fellow Kamen Rider, and sweet-flanked marefriend picking herself up off the ground. The last hit had knocked her out of her transformation. For a moment, Starlight had been afraid she'd never get up again.
"Like Tartarus we are," hissed Trixie, her broken tooth slurring the s. "You get the last Watch. Trixie will hold them off."
She slapped her Gays Watch on one side of her Driver, and on the other, she inserted a blue plastic thingy shaped like a Ridwatch, but that had a bigass hourglass on the front. The hourglass was clear, and full of little blue beads that actually ran through the bottleneck part when she flipped it over. (Only ¥3000 at your local JapanMart!)
"Henshin!" she shouted.
"GEIZ REVIVE: SHIPPU!" said the hourglass watch, and then Trixie was off faster than the speed of light, beatin' up dudes cuz that's cool.
How Starlight loved that mare.
She turned her eyes to the ringleader, the false Time King who had brought all these episodes to wrack and ruin. Grogar laughed an evil laugh and used his big ram horns to send bolts of magic down at her and Trixie. He missed.
"You'll never defeat me, Kamen Riders! Nyah hah hah hah!" That is definitely what Grogar sounds like.
"I finally understand," said Princess Celestia, lifting the limp pink mane from off her eyes. "All this time, the power was in me... and also in you, my little pony."
Celestia turned her limpid pools toward Starlight, who again had to choke back a sob at seeing her princess reduced to base mortality. A light in the world had truly gone out when whatever bad thing happened to her had happened. It doesn't matter what it was, this is gonna get canon-screwed eventually.
"Take this," said Celestia, and hoofed Starlight one more goddamned Ridewatch, only ¥2500 at your local JapanMart! (「私たちのおもちゃを買う！これは良いスローガンです！」)
Starlight took the plastic piece of crap in her numb hooves, and clicked the little button on the top. "CELESTIA!" cried the voice of the man trapped within. How she hated that tiny man and his tiny, tiny voice.
Then something different began to happen. And let me take a moment to impress upon you, dear reader, that different had not happened for about three dozen episodes by this point.
The Celestia Ridewatch glowed with a bright solar light. All the Watches in Starlight's saddlebags joined suit. Like, she could tell because the light was so damn bright it was coming through the burlap, same with Trixie's.
All two thousand motherfucking Ridewatches, including the new one, lifted up into the air and swirled around her. There were so many of the shitting things, they made a mini-tornado, and all the Another Episodes were forced to retreat so they could get cut to ribbons by the less-literal whirlwind that was Trixie.
Once the winds and the lights and so forth had had their time to shine, or the effects budget ran out, Starlight found herself holding a much bigger Ridewatch. It was gold, and had an image of her armor's faceplate in gold on the front.
"GURANDO ESSU-ZI!" said the tiny man.
Suddenly, a man dressed in a badly-tailored brown long coat with like, unnecessary holes in the arms and a big, long, extremely weird brown scarf appeared from out of the bushes! Or something! He was holding a big steampunk book, and he threw up his free hand with a flourish.
"Iwae!" he cried in a grandiose manner. Translator's note: 'Iwae' means 'rejoice'.
"The one to inherit all episode powers," he continued in Japanese. "The Time King who will rule over the past and future! And her name is Kamen Rider Grand Essu-Zi!" He coughed into his hand. "And yes, it still counts if she's missing one..."
"Uh," said Starlight, staring at the man and then down at the big honkin' gold Ridewatch. "Who are you again?"
"I'm Woz," said Woz, in his Woz-y way. Also, he was still speaking Japanese.
"Just put the feathering thing on and transform, Starlight!" shouted Trixie, who was a lady and thus not prone to swearing. Oh, who am I kidding, she's trailer trash and swears like a sailor. It's just that they're pony swears, which are adorable.
Steeling herself, Starlight pulled out her Essu-Zi Watch and lit it. I mean, pressed the button. It just sounds cooler if I say she lit it. She pressed the button on the Grand Watch, and...
Like a bazillion little circles with an image from each episode popped out of the sides of it. I mean, it was already larger than a regular Watch, those are like a solid hoofful. But in one swift motion, this fucker had literally tripled in size. Starlight was beginning to have difficulty holding it up.
"Uh," she said, side-eying it warily as she slid it into the receptor on the left side of her Driver. The Watch dwarfed it. "Henshin?"
She spun her Driver.
Well, to be more precise, she smacked it like she normally would have to transform, and nothing happened.
Woz sucked in a breath through his teeth. "Hit it harder," he hissed, though no one understood him because, y'know, Japanese still.
"I think I have to hit it harder," said Starlight, grasping onto the solution to her problem via the miracle of I-need-to-finish-this-up-already.
So she smacked it harder.
Her Driver spun.
And the Grand Essu-Zi watch, in all its grandiose, ridiculous golden plastic glory, clocked her upside the head and knocked her the fuck out.
Trixie stopped her fighting to gawk. She got mobbed by a pile of monsters.
Grogar laughed until he had a heart attack and died.
Woz retreated into the bushes, biting his fist and hissing through his teeth.
Haha, I just realized now that I said "clocked". You get it? Clocked? Like how they use watches to transform?
