• Published 1st Nov 2018
  • 346 Views, 33 Comments

Starlight Rider Kicks Everything - PresentPerfect

Starlight Glimmer has gotten her hooves on Twilight Sparkle's Friendship Journal. And a time travel spell. And a Driver. And a bunch of Ridewatches. And she realizes that she could fix everything with time travel and Rider kicks. So she does.

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Starlight Rider Kicks Everything
by Present Perfect

Part 1: Dragonshy

With a clap of a thunder and a burp of aether, Starlight Glimmer appeared in the past, standing atop the unnamed mountain that used to overlook Ponyville. (It had been razed after the particular incident she was here to short-circuit.) The lump of grey plastic affixed around her neck purred contentedly.

"Okay, you giant sack of dragon fuck," she grumbled to herself. "Time to end this."

Lighting her horn, she stomped her way into the dragon's deep, dark, smoke-emitting cave, because she was Starlight "GlimGlam" Glimmer, and Glimmy don't give no fucks.

"Yo, wake the shit up!" she roared, rounding the corner to where she could see the hoard of crap that glittered in her horn light. Okay, maybe it more glimmered, whatever.

One pony-sized eyelid cracked open to regard her.

"I'm here to tell you to knock this mess off, get the eff out, and don't come back unless you want this horn up your ass!" She glared daggers into the eye. Ballsy. "Capiche?"

All she got for her troubles -- and, let's be real, hubris -- was a face full of smoke.

Coughing and sputtering, she staggered to the room's entrance.

"Don't say--" She choked on the last remnants of smoke in her lungs. That'd be two years off the end of her life. "Don't say I didn't warn you." She wiped her mouth, then produced something from her saddlebag.

It was like a small lantern or something. It was round and plastic, and she used her magic to turn its clockish face until the image lined up and showed a pony head in silhouette instead of the garble it had been before. She jammed the button on top of it.

"ESSU ZI!" said the little fucker.

She jammed it onto the right side of the bigger plastic thingy around her neck, which began ticking. Standing on her hind legs, she did like a cool Tai Chi pose and shouted, "Henshin!" (Translator's note: 'Henshin' means 'Change'.) Then she swung her leg down and knocked the doodad around her neck into a wicked 360. Like, it could catch major air while grinding a rail or something, I dunno what kids do these days.

"Rider... time!" said the lump of grey crap in like, the most bored voice ever. And then from out of nowhere, some asshat sang, "KAMEN RAIDAAAA! Essu Zi!" like they was in an 80's hair metal band or some shit. God, what?

The number 2018 scrolled past the screen, and then she was on her hooves and wearing weird armor that looked like a wristwatch. I shit you not, they don't even use wristwatches in 2018 anymore. Who came up with this? Someone literally thought this was a good idea and got paid real money for it. Think about that when you go to work tomorrow.

Anyway, this got the dragon's full attention. He was starting to think that maybe this little shitstain of a pony was worth his time, by which I mean worth setting on fire and eating. So he rose himself up to his full height and snorted out a little flame just to show the pony who they were dealing with, y'know, who was boss. Only problem was, there wasn't enough him to go around.

Starlight launched herself at the dragon, running right into his arm. The dragon screeched, more from surprise than from the pain, but that was okay, because the pain was coming.

She threw lightning-fast punches and kicks all up the dragon's arm, and then down his chest, and then like, back around his butt or something, I don't know dragon physiology. Point is, she beat the crap out of every square inch of him for a solid, like, twenty seconds. She even kicked him right in the nose, hot damn.

By the end of it, that dragon was a snivelling heap on the floor of his cave. He was even thinking about maybe offering some of his gold coins to get the pony to stop. Just a few, mind you; dragons are kind of dumb that way.

"HAAAAAH!" shouted Starlight, because it was really important for you to know exactly the sound she was shouting while she powered up with golden light or some shit.

She launched high into the air, juuuuust missing out on scraping the ceiling. Kicking off from the rock above her, she flipped around and rocketed down on the dragon's head with one leg outstretched.


The impact left a relatively tiny mark in the dragon's forehead, right between his eyes, in the shape of the word "KICK".

Then the dragon exploded.

When the smoke cleared, all that was left was Starlight "Zettai Yurusenai" Glimmer and a pile of worthless fucking gems and shit. I mean, it was worth a lot to you or me, sure, but ponies have that kinda bling growin' out they walls.

Her grey thingy dinged, and the time spell sucked her out into the next one of these.

And that's how Kamen Rider S-Zi saved Ponyville from the mysterious cloud of black smoke that was threatening to plunge it into a hundred years of darkness. And nopony even thanked her. Ingrates.

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