• Member Since 1st Nov, 2012
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Admiral Biscuit


That is not how fish work.

E
Source

This story is a sequel to The Trouble with Unicorns II


Acorn's apartment on Earth has lots of great features: a dishwasher, forced-air heating and cooling, a coffee maker, a food processor, a gym and laundry room in the basement . . . it's also got a telephone. She's not so keen on the telephone.

Specifically, she’s not so keen on telemarketers.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 116 )

BPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Ponies, just don't fuck with them.

Great idea here, something that isn't going to be as useful nowadays though given all the wireless stuff, but explains why ponies never got passed the early days to get to this. Best part is, dude can't really say much, and not just because of the donkey thing, but hassling her like that is not just bad form and poor salesmanship, but outright illegal.

Also so adorable, being all concerned about the food place. Really, someone needs to introduce her to caller ID.

Loved it, more Ponies making everyday things cuter, and more impossible to do.

The structure looks good I guess.

Acorn may be speciest, but she's no slouch at transmutation.

Of course, a pegasus would just have zapped the guy.

That is just the thing I've always wished I could do to someone who has been a jerk to me over the phone!

Man, I wish I was a unicorn!

In short, Acron’s apartment was nearly perfect. Except for the telephone.

Ohio girl, is she?

We've all had that moment when this response was the right one.
I, personally, take one of the wireless handsets, hold it up to the other side of my mouth, and recite the BORG lines letting the phone give feedback and dissonance.
This though? This is so much better. Sign me up for a unicorn callblocker, please.

The spiral cord of the handset lit briefly, followed by the entire telephone gowing for a moment.

Between this and "Hello, This is Not a Scammer, I Promise," there's a lot of overlap. Which means one thing... DEATH BATTLE! There can only be one.

Pretty much anything Pre 1970s would be electromechanical? Mainly cos digital circuitry just cost too much before then, valves etc being analog?

If copper conducts magic, explains about soft gold, silver, platinum Royal Guard Armor. But given Rock Farms and diamonds, shouldnt be that difficult to make a graphene deposition spell to layer in the armor, then combine with a decrement loop function to the spell to make it atomically layered to a given thickness, like Geodes?

You know, I think she might have left that guy feeling a little...

Cranky? :trollestia:

This is darling. And... man have I wanted to do that with telemarketers. The Do Not Call list is not enough. If it weren't for the fact that I need a phone for my job, I'd... just as well not have one of the irritating jingly devices. :twilightangry2:

9222958

Ponies, just don't fuck with them.

This is good life advice.

Great idea here, something that isn't going to be as useful nowadays though given all the wireless stuff, but explains why ponies never got passed the early days to get to this.

That’s my headcanon. Too easy for an angry unicorn to misuse a conventional telephone system, therefore no development of the idea.

Best part is, dude can't really say much, and not just because of the donkey thing, but hassling her like that is not just bad form and poor salesmanship, but outright illegal.

The illegal part is questionable, IMHO. From what I know, a few calls kind of skirts the line, and of course it’s certainly not professional. But yeah, either way, he can’t complain about it now. He’d better hope her spell isn’t permanent.

Also so adorable, being all concerned about the food place. Really, someone needs to introduce her to caller ID.

Even then, he seems like the kind of guy who might work for a company that would spoof numbers. But caller ID does help; I usually answer anyway in the hopes of getting an actual person on the other end, or to see if I can confuse a robocaller.

Loved it, more Ponies making everyday things cuter, and more impossible to do.

:heart:

9222973
Well, that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

9222997

Acorn may be speciest, but she's no slouch at transmutation.

Darn straight. Always good to be able to transform your enemies into something else.

Of course, a pegasus would just have zapped the guy.

Ooh, that’s a danger of the telephone I hadn’t even considered! That can happen with IRL corded telephones when the wires are hit with lightning, and it’s usually not good for the person holding the instrument.

9223007

That is just the thing I've always wished I could do to someone who has been a jerk to me over the phone!
Man, I wish I was a unicorn!

I know, right? Telemarketers better watch out before calling Acorn.

9223047

Ohio girl, is she?

:derpytongue2:
Given how many times I mistyped her name, I’m surprised that I only missed one on edit. Doesn’t help that Google recognizes Acron as a real name (as well it should).

Correction made; thank you!

As a resident of Nebraska, the state that pretty much houses those robot call numbers, I feel like I need to apologize. I think it has something to do with left over military numbers being put up for sale after the Cold War. It's either here or somewhere in the Midwest.

9223062

We've all had that moment when this response was the right one.

I knew a girl in high school I could’ve done this to. Kept prank calling.

Since I’m no good at transmutation spells cast over a phone line, I did the next best thing. Set our dialup modem to call her, let it ring four times, hang up, and then try again 30 seconds later. Let it go on for a good half hour. She never prank called me again. :rainbowlaugh:

I, personally, take one of the wireless handsets, hold it up to the other side of my mouth, and recite the BORG lines letting the phone give feedback and dissonance.

Ooh, that’s a good one, too.

This though? This is so much better. Sign me up for a unicorn callblocker, please.

She could sell her services. Pretty soon telemarketers would know better . . . or invest in wireless equipment that she couldn’t cast spells across. Which of course would lead to an arms race of sorts, as better spells got invented to bridge the gap.

9223068
Gowing, you know, what telephones do when a spell’s cast through them?

No?

<correction made; thank you> :heart:

9223099

Between this and "Hello, This is Not a Scammer, I Promise," there's a lot of overlap. Which means one thing... DEATH BATTLE! There can only be one.

I actually delayed publication of this one a bit until that fell out of the feature box. Haven’t read it yet, either, but it’s on my RIL.

I do love the IRS scam. Makes me giggle every time I get the call. Usually listen to the message all the way through, because the broken English makes it even funnier.

9223111

Pretty much anything Pre 1970s would be electromechanical? Mainly cos digital circuitry just cost too much before then, valves etc being analog?

Certainly all the stuff on a local level. Trunklines and such might have been computerized, because even though a big computer was really expensive back then, so were miles and miles of copper lines, and if you could multiplex them, you could avoid having to run too many of them. I don’t think you could multiplex with an analog system.

If copper conducts magic, explains about soft gold, silver, platinum Royal Guard Armor. But given Rock Farms and diamonds, shouldnt be that difficult to make a graphene deposition spell to layer in the armor, then combine with a decrement loop function to the spell to make it atomically layered to a given thickness, like Geodes?

Maybe. There’s a good chance that the guard armor is layered, since while you want friendlies to be able to cast spells on soldiers, you don’t want enemies to be able to, so you’d want to design them around that as much as possible.

You know, I think she might have left that guy feeling a little...
Cranky? :trollestia:

:rainbowlaugh:

9223173

This is darling.

:heart:

And... man have I wanted to do that with telemarketers. The Do Not Call list is not enough.

I usually find other ways to amuse myself with them. Sometimes even tell the truth, which is great:
“I’m calling about a virus on your computer.”
“Which one?”
“How many do you have?”
“Um . . . about ten.”
“Ten computers! What do you use them all for?”
“I’m using one as a doorstop.”
<click>

If it weren't for the fact that I need a phone for my job, I'd... just as well not have one of the irritating jingly devices. :twilightangry2:

Yeah, there’s a lot to be said about the peace and quiet of not having a phone, no question. Maybe the Amish are on to something.

9223254
If it makes you feel better, Michigan--my home state--has one of the scammier charity call centers. I can’t remember their name, but they’re somewhere in Metro Detroit.

I doubt any one state is too blame.. You want to blame anyone blame the telcos they'll sell you a hundred lines if you want . All that happens is we change area codes around I've had my local one changed 3 times since 1990 and a number of places are now mandating 10 digital dialing. Gather Miami has been like that for over 20yrs.. The area code for a long time would tell you is it was pager, home line or POS terminal

9223288

“I’m calling about a virus on your computer.”

Only scam I've dealt with, and wasn't even me. Roommate got that one "I'm calling from Microsoft, we detected a major malware issue on your computer and need you to go to makemycomputerabotnet.com immediately" one.

Sadly I get nothing fun, just Student Loan stuff for Loans I don't have, and the very occasionally auto insurance for the car I don't have calls.

I'd love to reach through the telephone system and "politely" ask the scammers/telemarketers to stop calling. We have an answering machine and caller ID in my house. We screen all our calls but check the caller ID a lot anyway.
Best caller ID we've ever seen? "Illegal Scam"

one curious question. The transmutation spell and the leaked out bits are temporary in this story, right?

9223308

I doubt any one state is too blame.. You want to blame anyone blame the telcos they'll sell you a hundred lines if you want .

Or, with the right kind of software, you can get one phone line and pretend to be a hundred or so.

All that happens is we change area codes around I've had my local one changed 3 times since 1990 and a number of places are now mandating 10 digital dialing. Gather Miami has been like that for over 20yrs.. The area code for a long time would tell you is it was pager, home line or POS terminal

Well, that’s the big disadvantage to telephonic devices. Back in my day, Michigan area codes were 313 (Detroit area), 517 (east half except Detroit), and 616 (west half). The UP might have had an area code, but I’m not sure if cans on strings required it.

Then they added 810, and it’s been downhill since then.

9223314

Only scam I've dealt with, and wasn't even me. Roommate got that one "I'm calling from Microsoft, we detected a major malware issue on your computer and need you to go to makemycomputerabotnet.com immediately" one.

I got that one once. Pretended it was a phone sex line. Guy hung up on me before I even ‘logged on.’

Sadly I get nothing fun, just Student Loan stuff for Loans I don't have, and the very occasionally auto insurance for the car I don't have calls.

I tried to get an extended warranty on a S-10 pickup with 400,000 miles on the odometer. Rejected. Tried to get one on a $150 motorcycle. Rejected.

Tried to get a mortgage on my potato chip truck, and that got shot down too, even though I claimed I lived in it.

9223334

Best caller ID we've ever seen? "Illegal Scam"

There was a service on my cell phone when I first got it that did that. I usually answered anyways, because I never feel bad no matter what I do to those people. Great stress relief.

9223340

one curious question. The transmutation spell and the leaked out bits are temporary in this story, right?

That’s one of those things for the reader to determine. The leaked out bits, most likely. Although perhaps Mrs. Rochow will occasionally nibble on grass and Mr. McNaught will have more of a desire to kick when he’s unhappy. For the telemarketer . . . I guess whatever ending makes you happy.

Who knows, if he stays a mule he could get a job hauling borax wagons or something.

I really only get three: Car warranty (yeah, my 2000 Honda Civic is prime for that), student loan interest (paid 'em off a few years ago) and credit card fraud.

The last one I've gotten a fair edge on because our card company *might* call, so I just ask them which card they're calling about. No, I mean which one, not Visa or Mastercharge. If you're really our company calling because of my card, you can give me the last four digits of my card. Anytime. I'll wait. No, I'm not going to read my card to you, because you called me, so you *have* to know what card you're calling about. Or my billing address. Yes, I'll wait. Anytime. Heck, do you even know my name? Hello? Helloooo?

I was really expecting--

Yen Wi pushed the 'Flush' button on the console, which hung up on the call and picked up on the next one in line. Sometimes all he would do for hours was push the button, read the script until interrupted, push the button... But it paid, and that was the important part.

"I rent," came the familiar voice on the other end of the phone before he could even start his spiel. "Does a maintenance contract even work for a rental?" The sound of splashing water echoed over the line as Yen sat in his uncomfortable office chair, then slowly reached over and pushed the 'Flush' button again.

"And does it cover appliances?" added the voice. "Because I put a baked potato wrapped into aluminum foil into the quick cooker thing and sparks went all over--"

He jabbed down on the 'Stop' button and ripped his headset off, just sitting in place in his cubicle and panting while that terrible voice continued in his bare ears. And continued. And continued...

"And I suppose that would be damages incurred before the policy, but you could backdate it, or just make allowances. After all, we Equestrians really don't understand your human technology, so you can't expect us not to have a few minor issues. Like this soap dispenser. I dropped it in the tub last night, and now the little thingie doesn't go up and down very easily. Would that be covered by the maintenance agreement also? Oh, and I have a lawn mower, but after I used it to mow about half of my yard, it just stopped, and I had to graze the rest off without even any croutons. That could be added to the contract also, I suppose. And another thing...."

Telemarketers? SEND THE PHONE SPIDERS!
:flutterrage:

Wow, she went easy on him! This was a kinder ending than most of us probably dream about for telemarketers, or at least for the people who manage these illegal operations.

I haven't received too many spam calls on my cell lately, hopefully for the best reasons (DID-spoofing offenders shut down and fined/arrested, but this is a fantasy). I always hit reject on numbers I don't recognize, under the assumption that they'll leave a voicemail if it's important. The never leave a voicemail.

The research I did on this led me to SIT codes (the three high-pitched tones you hear when your call hits a PSTN switch that can't complete your call). Adding this specific tone (signalling "Number changed or disconnected") to the beginning of your voicemail greeting has a decent chance of telling auto-dialers listening for them that your number is no good. Anything else that follows that can be your usual voicemail greeting.

IC_SIT.ogg file on Wikipedia

Does it work? I don't know. The calls dropped off for me. And I can't upload a voicemail greeting on my cell carrier. And... I got lazy. :facehoof:

Another wonderful story admiral! Have a like!

I was expecting lightning to shoot out of his handset, or maybe an effect like poison joke.

But to insult mules by comparing them to a telemarketer, by making a telemarketer act like a mule?

For shame, Acorn! Tsk, tsk!

The mule is a noble and hardy creature. Telemarketers are more like goblins, or vampires. Only garlic can't keep them away, and they only want to suck your gold.

9223606

They seem to come and go in waves. I didn't get any for a couple years, but now it's a daily thing again.

I would seriously like the spell to send lightning... please, Acorn? Hook a brony up!

...I may have to try that tone thing, though.

Man, torturing people living paycheck to paycheck trying to have a living through telemarketing is so fun!

9223665

Almost as fun as making fun of people who troll the internet in the name of their presidentlordkingdudinator-who-totally-doesn't-have-people-he-doesn't-like-brutally-murdered-except-when-he-does-repeatedly!

9223679
yes, because every russian person on the internet supports putin, right?

No. Fuck you, I voted Yabloko in march.

Thank you for another enjoyable story, and now I have a question, ever thought about a pony showing up to a hobby store, and maybe getting into an RPG, or a Tabletop game, like Warhammer.

That’s one way to deal with a jackass...

I have had as many as FIFTEEN calls during a day from various telemarketers, pols, scammers, all calls I didn't want. It is hard for real calls to get past the dendritis that I have to deal with on a daily basis.

I no longer get the phone from the bathroom. I used to.

I can remember having to change an email address a long time ago because I passed 200 spam messages per day and it became impossible to read my real email.

Telephones need a spam filter.

And THIS is why modern phones have a lovely built-in feature called "auto-reject". I got over a dozen blocked calls just today, most of which used neighbor spoofing. Sometimes it's really convenient having no local friends.

... I just realized how sad that sounds. :pinkiesad2:

My pet dislike is spam from beautiful women who supposedly want to know me. If there is one thing that I've learned in life it's this: No, they don't. They don't want to know that I exist, never mind getting to know me.

If the telemarketer had been lucky, his target would have had wings, or been able to grow plants very well, rather than a horn. Had he been very unlucky, his target would have had all three.

The ability to hex rude telemarketers and callbots alone would be reason enough to leave a portal to Equestria open.

It's a cute story, though what Mark got was a little overkill. Then again, meddling in the affairs of wizard (or of unicorns) isn't a good idea.

My experience with telemarketers is quite sparse. As far as I know, it's all from the same company and it's all about promos we could get on our Wi-Fi plan or some cable subscription. From that, though, they were pretty amicable and sound very genuine. Couple that with my ambivalent attitude towards mistimed phone calls (since I assume someone's calling with good reason), I sympathize with them. Having to cold call, talking with people you don't know, not knowing whether they're in the bathroom or what...it's a tough job. :fluttershyouch:

As for that transformation spell...I hope it's temporary. It seems to be something particularly high-level, so unless Acorn's talent is like Twilight's or Trixie's, her spell should wear off soon. :twilightsmile:

9223401
I know that the story is meant to be comedic but I really do want to imagine that both that and the urges are temporary, considering that this is just a regular unicorn, not a Twilight Sparkle level unicorn. Otherwise, you know, almost any unicorn can easily, with no way back to normal that is availible to humans, affect people's minds and/or bodies

Unicorns are scary, man.

Usually switching to Equestrian confused them, and they’d hang up—but not always. Sometimes they’d just go on oblivious to whatever she had to say, reading off their pre-programmed script.

Robo-callers were the prototype pseudo-people, precursors to the modern SJW NPCs created by Monsanto and George Soros to take over the world. Thank god, 4chan was able to unearth this diabolical scheme! (#CONSPIRACIES)

:pinkiecrazy:

9223912 We just got a check from the results of a class-action lawsuit against a telemarketing scam company that kept trying to sell everyone solar power systems that were garbage. They would call EVERY DAY. My dad and I started invented glorious lies to troll them with.

once again on good old-fashioned copper wires

HA! I'd be safe! I have Verizon's space-age fiber-optic cable! Everyone knows magic is a Dark Art and electricity is a power of the Sith, and thus neither can pass through a wire which can only transmit God's Holy Light!

(Alondro is best religious fanatic)

:pinkiecrazy:

So happy you finally got this out.

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