Nice job man can't wait for the clop.

overall i have to say i like this story very much ,though i have a few small issues with it,such as near the last 2 or 3 chapters it seemed like your were rushing because the details were becoming more and more less and you were skipping time far to often ,and lastly when they reached ponyville you showed no reactions of various pony's to the girls no one freaking out or anything it kind of makes me a bit worried about how the clop is going to turn out

Ancient ruins stood out in the Equestrian desert, black stone against yellow sand.

This is a fantastic first sentence that is then wasted by literally everything following it.

8805396
Eh. I'm editing it, with help.

8806036
Don't know who Gary Stu is, but TO answer your comment about the chapters, I tried to make them at least a 1,000 words each. BUt i was unable to without messing up cliffhangers.

Glad you read and enjoyed the story though.

8806091
Pfft. I didn't even think of that when I wrote it!!

Haha!! That's hilarious!!

8806125
The Holy SPirit?

Chapters 1-3

Lands in Equestria: Goes on an adventure.

That seems fine, good for story and character development and meeting new characters that aren’t your basic pony resident.

Meets two foxes that understand English: Proceeds to have a nice conversation

That's completely understandable, he did live in Equestria for 3 months after all and by now must have understood the basic Equestrian logic.

Walks through a desert: Eats PB&J

Okay why not, that seems fine. I would probably do the same but with a different meal.

See sandstorm: Pulls out Umbrella.

Okay.., that is not how you really wait out a sandstorm. But... I’ll let that slide since it has no impact on plot or Character development.

Sees an actually difficult riddle: solves it without difficulty.

Okay, that riddle seemed difficult and will probably make anyone who hasn’t heard it give up on the spot. But for all I know, character MIGHT have heard it before or is naturally good at riddles so I’ll continue reading.

500 pieces Puzzle: Solves it in less than an hour (45 mins)

Okay I know for a fact that it takes more than 45 minutes to solve a 500 piece puzzle without a picture reference. I don’t care if he solved it or not, just make it so that he solved it in an understandable amount of time (like 5-6 hours), nowhere did it say that he had to solve it as fast as he can. And don’t pull the “I don’t know how long it takes to solve a 500 piece puzzle” it’s basic common sense of the average human ability to do so.

Sees giant diamond and next riddle: Takes 1 hour to complete

Okay, this is done in a more appropriate time frame then the puzzle challenge.

Next riddle has to sing a good song: Picks Lullaby for a Princess

Okay, the song itself is not the problem but the context behind his choice to sing this. This was a fan animation/song for the MLP franchise (a VERY good one at that) but the problem is that the MC chose this song to sing when in the very first chapter he expressed his confusion and complete lack of knowledge of the MLP franchise and didn’t even recognize the basic pony (albeit anthro). So what does this mean? Unless during his 3 months stay he heard this song sang straight from Celestia herself or somepony else, he pulled this song out of nowhere in reality.

Concluding thoughts

This is my criticism of the story so far, I tried to be fair and explain my criticism in a logical manner instead of flaming the story. This story has it’s fair share of plot holes in the beginning, which may not seem bad but it is. The beginning of your story sets the stage for the rest of your story, if you don’t establish your story firmly in the beginning then the rest of your story will just be a train wreck of trying to fix those same mistakes in a manner that doesn’t really make sense.

Maybe my ideals for a good story are too high or the fact that I started reading this clopfic and expected a well-written story with thought out story plot. Either way I try my best to give constructive criticism when needed, especially when your story is on the front page of this website.

But in the end, it’s your choice as an author to take my criticism into consideration. It’s your story after all.

8806152
Thanks. I will adjust what i can.

Quick question my math is kind rusty so I might count bad, but. Did you actually gave the foxes 3 pairs of breast and, the cheetah has 2 pairs? Because by their anatomy, their human form should have change their breast into 2 as well, otherwise its looks like the transformation stop half way

8806040
I was just replying to the rude person. But a a Gary Stu is a "cliche trope" in which the main guy has all the power, has no faults, and has all the girls (an idealized self-insert). Nothing wrong with that, it's just a "type" of story which that other guy obviously didn't like. More info here: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MarySue

8805396
I have to agree with this person. I would love to spend time with the girls discovering Ponyville and clothes, other ponies, how a door works (the fox sisters were 'wild' before), what the timber wolves thought of Gavin's garden, is Nazo still upset about being "normal sized" instead of huge... And most important: being a cheetah, can Cream run real fast? And does she get black eyes from her boobs if she does?

Answering those questions makes the story more of a slice-of-life.

Anyway, can't wait to see what happens next.

Thank you for posting.

8806321
Eh, i drew the breast change from a fanfic i had read, in which the lioness had two breasts, and the dog had six.

8806476
Sounds a bit creepy

8806445
I addressed how the ponies reacted in the last chapter. As for the SPhinxes reaction to losing her size, read Changes and Revelations again.

8806484
Maybe, but its the way I wrote it. NOt really that creepy if you think about it. At least to me it isn't.

8806484
Also, they were changed to look humanoid, but they still retained their original features.

My friend, slow down a little, too much in too little words, your fic is losing quality, please think more clearly, order yourself and your ideas, and look for a proofreader, your started good enough, but now it's becoming very bad, and I recommend rewriting the chapters, you are taking mastes without connecting to them, the sphinx and the foxes were ok enough, but the others are strangers that somehow develope love or desire very fast without reason, so either take them away, or rewrite the story again to include them during the trials; it happend too little from the temple to ponyville, are you sure NOTHING happend between that? no reactions in the way, nor in poniville? no interaction with more characters? there is a difference between telling a story, and just reporting the events.

8806499
Ah ok

8807858
Nope, though I have never gotten that answer before, interesting

8806131
... what? No.

8806131

8807858

8806069

The answer is a lot simpler than you two are making it out to be, it's corruption!

I live in Darkness: Corruption is a very "dark" and foul "thing."
Yet I am bright: Corruption, even though it's not a living, breathing being, tends to be rather smart and/or cunning.
I consume, but I do not digest: Corruption consumes a person's heart, figuratively of course, thus why it does not 'digest' it.
I am there for all to see: Corruption is actually very visible, as if prefers to hide in plain sight, most often partially obscured by shadows.
Yet only the Enlightened notice me: Only those who know about corruption can see it, and by extension, do something about it, thus why it goes on unchecked for long periods of time.

Also, to answer your previous question Mr. Puzzles, yes I am enjoying the story, I think you need an editor, but i like the story nonetheless. Please do keep it up, I'm looking forward to the next chapter, until then, Au Revoir!

8809004
The same reason Twilight was a bestseller.

8810191
HEY!! Don't you compare my story to that aweful series!!

8809004
I honestly don't know.

What type of foxes were they?

8812420
fennec

8812718
Those cute tiny things they r adorable been watching fox owners on youtube and they r so cute

8813151
Yeah. They are.

8813199
Especially when u pair them with each other

8813362
yep.

8813727
So whered u get the idea for this?

8813877
Read the description.

8814701
Yeah so not good at reading those but I see now

8814705
k. Glad it could help.

8814707
Yeah I like story telling but never was a writer myself so im good at narrating stories and stuff but not written

8814777
Whats been your favorite part so far? ALso, any editing suggestions for it?

8814967
I liked his meetingwith the foxes and the part where they r freaking out aboit their transformed states

8815542
Great!!!

8815706
So what do they look like both normal and anthro do you have pick of them?

8815749
Nope. But, I think a good similarity of what they look like now would be like Renamon from DIgimon

8815848
So what powers will he get from all this or r those spoilers?

8815851
eh. spoilers.

8816389
Lol well I am hoping to get someone to help me write my stories down cause im no writer just a narrator so the stories ive developed r still in my head

8816419
same here. this started in my head.

8823623
no

8823724
Knowledge or truth?

8832578
XD no

8832602
A bioluminescent worm?

8832657
what... XD no, it's corruption

8832667
I know!! It’s corruption!!! Did I get it right?