While it's understandable English, it reads like you've never written something in your life. One speaker per paragraph, no exceptions. Capitalize pronoun "I".

I’ll be honest. This first chapter is really hard to read. It’s like every single action is robotic, forced, and ridiculous. I’m gonna try and read through to see if it gets better, but you might want to consider reworking this, it is a serious off-putter.

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For some reason, your pfp makes this comment hilarious... don't know why though...

not bad start this story

Excuse me, I’m looking for my friend. His name is Gavin. Have you seen him? I heard he was here.

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I know him.