• Member Since 14th Sep, 2017
  • offline last seen June 17th


"Some people just need a high five....in the face....with a chair"


Jack is scrolling through channels when he sees a new episodes of My Little Pony, he makes a comment about how dumb the villain is and says that he could be a better one, a mysterious woman appears and gives him a challenge, that if he can take over Equestria he wins if he can't then she wins.

Edited by the ever glorious https://www.fimfiction.net/user/272063/Organical

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 75 )

Good story and beginning, interesting as well as I've said before. Though I still see some of the same mistakes.

Like typos, that is understandable, they happen, it's understandable. But common mistakes like spelling okay like ok, and not capitalizing names.

You're supposed to put this "...?" and not "?..."

I'm just trying to help, alright?


What are the capitalization problems?

Dialog from sreck
Gingerbread man:do you know the muffin man
Farquad:yes I know the muffin man tha-that lives on dreary lane!
Gingerbread man:she’s married to the muffin man!
Farquad:she’s married to the muffin man?
Gingerbread man:THE MUFFIN MAN!!!
Farquad:She’s married to the muffin man!! Quick send guards to find this wife of the muffin man!

Sometimes Twilight or Spike wasn't capitalized


I'm not sure which is funnier the lines, or picturing your avatar saying them

Also why did you do these lines?

"Good story and beginning"? An arbitrary setup to give some little nothing his wish fulfillment (like that hasn't been done to death) and said chump has the depth of a puddle in the gutter.
There's mistakes commonly made by elementary students and the dialogue is clunky.
What, if anything, about this was done correctly?

You know, instead of being an asshole, which you seem to get your rocks off being, why don't you actually offer constructive critique for once? Might improve your rep around here. I admit, this is a horrible story, but it could be improved if people actually offered help to the author.

Alright, that's your opinion, now how about you do me a favor and fuck off? :rainbowkiss:

If you're looking for a popularity contest, jog back to twatter and cuckbook.

So you have no examples of anything this story executed well? Duly noted, sheila.

You're a rather... how do I put this, cunt. Because you, from my point of view, have no experience in writing, givin' that you have no stories uploaded to the site.

Pretty odd to me if you ask me. :unsuresweetie:

No stories uploaded here = no writing experience.
Makes sense. You sure showed me.

Well, I just find it odd that you've been here since 2014. Yet in that timespan NO content has been put out? Please, I would be glad if I got to saw some of your own writing, if you will show me?

2012. This is my second profile.
Now did it occur to you, just once, that I wrote/write for franchises that aren't MLP?:rainbowhuh:

And also you asked me what the writer did correctly? There's this thing called opinion, look it up. Maybe you'll find the definition.

That did occur to me, obviously. But I fail to find this other account. Which leads me to my thinking of you having no experience.

I understand reading comprehension is a tricky thing, but if the context of my comments sailed right over your head, I'll ask my original question in the same, overt manner it was posed in: "What about this story was done well?"

Hard Mode: Figuring out the uploading process doesn't count.

Wait, wait, wait wait, wait wait, I'll get back right to that, but where is that supposed account you've been telling me about?

I requested it get zucc'd after I forgot the password.

Pretty suspicious...

You have any other account on any platform that has your writing?

And I forgot to mention, the writer hasn't even been on FiM for three months, I know how hard it was my first three months, but I improved drastically, over time the writer will get better and that is a fact.

If it wasn't against site rules, I would've posted the name of my writing professor and my school a long time ago. Trust me, you're not the first person to sob "yOu GOt nO stORiEs!"

Listen here, it is pretty fuckin' shady that you've got no stories, you've got no other accounts, AND you're not supplying me with real evidence of your possible writing skills

That's a fact huh? Explain users like Jussonic, DakariKingMykan, TheBlackKnight, Evictus, and JokerTheHedgehog/SinestroTheJoker/TheVigilante.

He's been banned from this site before, (Shocking) for being a dick and a bully, so this is nothing new. I'm pretty sure he hasn't even read this story. He just puts in in the overly stupid or absolutely disgusting groups. When I do that, at least I have the grace to actually read the story and decide for myself if it's that bad.

Did you read the rules when you signed up there, Chunk? Posting anything that can reveal your/others' identity is banned under site rules.

Am I supposed to know who these people are?

I'm not saying anything about releasing your identity, just another account with your stories or writing on it.

I requested the last ban and the one before that was because I was phoneposting at the house of another user and the mods thought I was an alt account.
As for "hE doESn't rEaD tHe sTOriEs!", go back to anything I've added to the groups, look at my comments, and find one that doesn't specifically apply to their relevant stories, you lying soyboy.

They're examples of users that prove the idea of longtime site posting = improvement.

Sure, I'll find the time out of my fifty-four hour week to make an account at a septic hugbox like deviantart or wattpad and rewrite some old writing assignments from before I could legally drink.
Maybe in February.

Okay... well back to the topic then. YOU have NO stories uploaded, NO other accounts, and NO evidence. I think it's safe to say the argument is over. And if you want to continue it, that's fine. I'll just let you know it will be over when you provide some evidence.

If that's how you want to prove me, then go ahead!

Cool logic sheila. Maybe I'll try that one myself.
"You don't work with food, you have no ServSafe certication, you have no knife skills, and zero measuring proficiency.
Therefore, you can't criticise anything I make."

Well now let's go to a real situation.

Would you trust a certified surgeon to do your surgery?

Or a person who claims to know what they're doing, while they provide no evidence about what they claim?

Comparing a technical skill to a creative skill. Look up the False Equivalency fallacy and try again.


Hm....tuff questions...dang I'll have to get some friends to help me with this :rainbowlaugh:

What can I say, it's what friends do. :pinkiesmile:

Especially when someone attacks a beginner on that magnitude.


Yeah the guys being a total jerk, I get my stories are bad but I don't care, I'm just writing my stories because I want to

Like I said, this will only continue until you give me a piece of evidence. You can keep wasting your time on this pointless argument that I've already won, or move on with your life.

I wouldn't necessarily call them bad... they just need edited.

Definitely worth tracking. Keep up the great work.

well I liked it. Solid 6/10. There's some pretty obvious mistakes like patchy scripting, slightly off characters, and a rushed pacing but the concept is pretty entertaining. The humor is auight and overall the plot makes since.

did she remember that without Tia and Lulu, the day/night cycle will stop?


Probably not and let me also mention it's now pretty much forever a sun set and a moon rise :rainbowlaugh:

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