A twenty-year-old man was sitting on his couch going through channels out of boredom, the man's name was Jack, it was a Saturday mid-afternoon and he had nothing to do, nothing to read, and nothing to watch.
He sighed and continued going through the channels, there was nothing good on lately, most shows have lost they're quality recently, cartoons were even worse, dumbed down for children.
Jack eventually stopped going through channels and was now on a new episode of the show My Little Pony, the episode was about the main characters fighting a mare who was the villain, she had dark grey fur and dark red hair, she was a unicorn as well.
She had beaten the girls, she actually had a chance to actually win, but instead, she started to monologue.
"Finally now with you defeated, I shall steal your powers using this amulet and use them to rule all of Equestria, not even the Princesses will be able to stop me, I shall be unstoppable!" she laughed maniacally.
Jack groaned "Why the hell would you announce your entire plan to them? Why not steal the powers, take over, and keep your mouth shut about your plan?! Is that really that hard? Or is your ego so big you have to announce your so so brilliant plan to your enemy?" He huffed with anger building in his system.
"I could be a better villain...." He said in annoyance.
"Is that so?" A woman said sitting on the other side of the couch, she had dark red hair and similar colored eyes, she was wearing a red shirt and black skirt with a black leather jacket, she was looking at Jack with a smirk.
Jack jumped, falling off the couch "Who in the hell are you? How did you get in here?!" He yelled whilst standing up.
She chuckled "Not important, what is important is that you said you could be a better villain then her" she pointed at the tv that was now paused on the evil mare.
"What? Yeah, why??" Jack was slowly moving his hand to the phone that was on a table near the end of the couch, trying to not be obvious, this psycho was very likely dangerous.
"Well, I simply wanted to propose a challenge of sorts..." She looked at her nails.
"A challenge?" He needed to keep her talking to distract her from his objective.
"Yes, I'll give you the chance to be a villain and prove yourself better then her" she filed her nails now suddenly having a nail file.
Jack stopped going for the phone "what..?"
She smiled seeming happy to get exactly what she wanted, she looked at him "If you agree to the challenge, you will get to be a villain...".
He was suspicious of that phrasing "What's the challenge?"
"Simple, you get the body and powers of a villain of my choosing, then you have to try and take over the place of my choosing," She stated with a smirk "although if you wish to call the police and have them arrest me, go ahead, you'd simply just be missing out".
Jack looked at her than the phone, ever since he was a kid he didn't look up to the heroes in shows and movies, he liked the villains more they always seemed to be more interesting. Their backstories, their powers, the way they are the opposite of the hero, how they are everything the hero fears and hates.
And now he had a chance to do that, to become a villain, all he needed to do was agree to this challenge this psycho crazy lady was giving him and he just listened to what he was thinking.
"Okay... okay, you have to realize that all this sounds crazy," he said looking at her.
"Oh yes of course, but then again this is your once in a lifetime chance, I won't offer twice I have others to offer this challenge too, so decide if you want to pass up this offer and lose any chance of gaining your greatest desire" she smiled teasingly.
'Damn it she's good...' He thought and sighed "Alright, I accept".
"Really? You didn't even know what I get if you lose" she stood up "but okay".
"Wait no I wanna know what you get!" He quickly said.
"Too late! I guess you'll just have to find out for yourself, goodbye" she snapped her fingers and a rainbow-colored portal opened up, it sucked Jack into it but he was able to hold onto the carpet.
"Wait, no!! I change my mind! I don't even know your name!" He tried to say anything that might keep him here.
"My names Crimson" she stepped on his hands making him let go and get sucked into the portal.
Jack screamed as he flailed through the colorful rainbow "I regret everything!!!" He was thrown out of the other end of the portal, it caused him to slam into a tree knocking him out cold.
[[[[[[[[[[{Three Hours Later}]]]]]]]]]]
Jack groaned waking up, he looked around finding himself in a field under a large tree.
"...did I get drugged and dropped off in a field?" He asked but his eyes went wide, his voice sounds like a woman's, he looked down and was even more shocked to find dark grey fur all over his body, strands of dark red hair fell into his vision, he looked between his legs proving the theory he had.
"no...NOOOO!!!!!" She threw her arms into the air and yelled.
"That little shit put me in that mare from the pony show....hrrr" she stood up and started pacing "Now what the hell do I do? I'm a talking pony in the middle of a field, oh and I'm a chick, I'm such an idiot!! Why didn't I ask more questions?! Like oh `what happens if you win, or what happens when I win`, but noooo I had to be a dumbass and say sure I'd love to be a villain with no knowledge of what the hell I'm doing!" She yelled and punched the tree.
"That really hurt!!" She fell to the ground kicking and screaming into the air.
This went in for a few minutes, birds were giving her some weird looks.
She huffed calming down now "Okay, throwing a temper tantrum isn't helping...." She sat up "if I win this challenge then I get something
I want...but I'll need to take over, I guess that pony land or whatever it's called".
"No time like the present I guess" she started walking, she was staring at her hooves as she walked, it was weird to have hooves instead of hands and feet.
She needed to try and think of how she would go about taking over a nation "Learning about this place would be my first step, so I need to find a library" she continued walking till she got to a dirt road "Perfect, where there's a road there's civilization".
She followed the dirt road looking around as she walked.
[[[[[[[[[[{Ten Hours Later}]]]]]]]]]]
Jack was panting as she dragged herself down the road "So tired....so thirsty...".
She was ready to give up and die when she saw a town in the distance "town....civilization" she dragged herself faster towards the town, once there she stood up and tackled the first pony she saw who had a drink, she gulped it down.
"What the heck??" The stallion looked up at the weird mare that just tackled him and drank his drink.
"Dude, you have no idea how long I've been walking, you can buy another one, I'm broke" she tossed the guys cup and started looking for a library.
She walked down the road looking around, she passed a bakery, what looked like some fancy tower "Wonder what's in there...none of these places have signs that signal their purpose..." She opened the door making a ringing sound from the bell, she walked in.
"Hello?" She called looking around frantically.
A white mare walked down the stairs with a smile "Hello there, are you here for an order?".
'Order? Was this a restaurant?' Jack thought "no I'm actually new to this town and I was just exploring".
"Oh that would explain why I've never seen you before, well welcome to Ponyville, my name's Rarity" she smiled solemnly.
"Ponyville... really?" Jack looked at her with a raised brow.
"Yes... why?" Rarity looked at her with a confused expression on her muzzle.
"Forget it, my name's ...um" she realized she couldn't call herself Jack, it didn't really fit her body and the names she's heard while walking around town, she looked around and then looked at herself, she had red hair and almost black fur "my names Midnight Rose".
"Oh, that's such a beautiful name" Rarity smiled.
'And now I hate it....' She thought but kept her smile "Thanks".
Rarity looked at Midnight and then smiled "Darling I must make you a dress, with your colors, I could make a fabulous dress design for you".
"Oh, you don't have to do that...." She tried making her way to the door.
"No, it's nothing really" Rarity smiled and pulled Midnight upstairs.
Midnight looked at the door as she was pulled upstairs.
A few hours later, Midnight was standing wearing a dark grey dress with red linings, she had a dark red blush on her face, Rarity was smiling at the new dress.
"You look amazing darling" Rarity complimented.
"Heh yeah, thanks for the compliment..." Midnight smiled weakly through her embarrassment "I really have to go...um...I don't have money...so I can't really pay you..." She prepared for the yelling.
"Oh, it's fine darling it was my pleasure" Rarity smiled, she then got a box and bag for the dress, she folded it in the box and then put it in a bag for Midnight.
"Wow...um thanks really..." Midnight took the bag and left the building "This town is crazy...." She continued down the road to look for a library.
She walked over to a mare "Hey, can you take me to the local library? I'm new here".
The mare smiled "Of course" she then started walking followed by Midnight.
[[[[[[[[[[{A Few Minutes Later}]]]]]]]]]]
"It blew up?!" She yelled looked at the empty spot.
"Unfortunately, yes," the mare answered.
'Then why the hell did you bring me here?!' Midnight wanted to yell but kept quiet, she groaned "Okay, where can I read books on history?" She asked with her eye twitching in anger and annoyance 'why the hell would she bring me to a destroyed library' she thought in anger.
"Hmm, well I know the princess has a library in her castle, you could go there" the mare suggested.
"Okay, odd...where is this castle?" Midnight asked.
"There," she pointed at the castle near town.
"How did I miss that? ...alright, well thanks for nothing, you suck" Midnight made her way towards the castle 'I have to go to a princess and say I wanna read some books?? I bet I'm gonna get the door slammed in my face' she thought and huffed.
She got to the castle and knocked on the door.
The door opened but no one was there.
"What the hell is this shi-" Midnight said before being cut off.
"Hello?" A small purple dragon said.
Midnight jumped back "woah! You're small!"
"Hm, thanks for the reminder" he went to close the door.
Midnight put her hoof in the door "hehe yeah, sorry, I actually need to...get a few books here, the roundness said it was required" she really hoped the roundness wasn't here or her lie wouldn't work.
"You mean Princess Celestia sent you?" He asked.
"...yes?" She really hoped this would work.
"Well okay I guess" he opened the door letting her in, he then leads her to the library.
"Holy shit, there are so many books!!!!" Her eyes were wide with wonder an amazement, she had a large smile on her face, as a kid she read a lot.
"Oh boy, you're another Twilight... I see why Celestia sent you...." He said looking at this mare that was making the same face Twilight did when she was excited about knowledge.
"Oh yeah sorry, hehe... I like books..." She rubbed the back of her neck embarrassed.
"Really couldn't tell," Spike said sarcastically.
She looked at him annoyed "So you're like the butler?" She smirked seeing him get annoyed.
"No" he looked at her with an unamused expression.
"Do you clean here?" She asked as she started circling him
"Well yeah but," he said, getting interrupted by her.
"Do you bring tea and help out the princess?" She asked with a devious smile on her face.
"Yeah, I guess..." He said getting interrupted yet again.
"But I'm guessing you don't get paid very much or at all do you?" She glanced at him.
"No, I don't" he rubbed his arm.
"Then you're lower than a butler, a servant really..." She looked at him, it wasn't the reaction she wanted.
"Yeah..." He hung his head sadly.
She walked behind him "So, then go and tell her you deserve to be treated better, should you be a slave? Go show her you're more than that".
"Yeah!" He got a fierce expression and ran off.
"God, I'm good at this or he's just too easy" she chuckled and started grabbing books on history, she soon found herself holding ten books, each were on history, but she saw that said magic, she nor iced a lot of these ponies with horns so maybe there was magic in this world.
She walked over and tried to grab it but she didn't have any way of getting it without dropping the ones she had, her horn tingled and the book floated in the air before going to the top of the stack of books she had.
"Woah....haha! I have magic, I have the power!!" She yelled "now time to leave" she whistled as she left the castle and went back into town.
[[[[[[[[[[{Twilight}]]]]]]]]]]
Twilight was a looking at a map trying to figure out where the magical disturbance came from, she had felt it hours ago but she couldn't figure out where it came from.
Just then Spike burst in "Alright Twilight, I'm tired of being your servant, if I'm gonna be cleaning, helping around, and doing things for you then I need to be paid!"
Twilight looked at him confused "Spike.... what are you talking about?"
"What am I talking about? What am I walking about?!" Spike took a moment to think about it "...I have no idea".
"Are you feeling okay...?" Twilight asked, worried and walked over to him, she felt his head but it didn't feel warm like a fever.
"Yeah I'm fine, it's just this mare that was kinda like you came in and she said the princess had sent her to pick up some books, then she started saying things and...it's all kinda blurry after that..." Spike said rubbing his head, he couldn't remember why he was angry.
"What mare?" Twilight asked.
Spike then led her to the library to find it empty and a few books missing "she was right here...".
"I guess she left" Twilight looked at the books that were missing "Why would the princesses request history and magic books?"
"Hm, maybe a new spell? Or maybe this mare is a new student of hers?" Spike theorized.
"A new student...?" Twilight' eyes grew with excitement.
"Oh man, now you're doing it, you two are so much alike!!" Spike said looking at Twilight.
"I have to find her!" Twilight ran off.
"Um...okay..." Spike said but she was already gone "So weird...I need to lay down..." He walked to his basket.
Good story and beginning, interesting as well as I've said before. Though I still see some of the same mistakes.
Like typos, that is understandable, they happen, it's understandable. But common mistakes like spelling okay like ok, and not capitalizing names.
You're supposed to put this "...?" and not "?..."
I'm just trying to help, alright?
Ok
8555064
What are the capitalization problems?
Dialog from sreck
Gingerbread man:do you know the muffin man
Farquad:yes I know the muffin man tha-that lives on dreary lane!
Gingerbread man:she’s married to the muffin man!
Farquad:she’s married to the muffin man?
Gingerbread man:THE MUFFIN MAN!!!
Farquad:She’s married to the muffin man!! Quick send guards to find this wife of the muffin man!
8555216
Sometimes Twilight or Spike wasn't capitalized
8555298
I'm not sure which is funnier the lines, or picturing your avatar saying them
Also why did you do these lines?
8555302
Ok thanks
Yes
8555064
"Good story and beginning"? An arbitrary setup to give some little nothing his wish fulfillment (like that hasn't been done to death) and said chump has the depth of a puddle in the gutter.
There's mistakes commonly made by elementary students and the dialogue is clunky.
What, if anything, about this was done correctly?
8603802
You know, instead of being an asshole, which you seem to get your rocks off being, why don't you actually offer constructive critique for once? Might improve your rep around here. I admit, this is a horrible story, but it could be improved if people actually offered help to the author.
8603802
Alright, that's your opinion, now how about you do me a favor and fuck off?
8603816
If you're looking for a popularity contest, jog back to twatter and cuckbook.
8603878
So you have no examples of anything this story executed well? Duly noted, sheila.
8603884
You're a rather... how do I put this, cunt. Because you, from my point of view, have no experience in writing, givin' that you have no stories uploaded to the site.
Pretty odd to me if you ask me.
8603891
No stories uploaded here = no writing experience.
Makes sense. You sure showed me.
8603894
Well, I just find it odd that you've been here since 2014. Yet in that timespan NO content has been put out? Please, I would be glad if I got to saw some of your own writing, if you will show me?
8603904
2012. This is my second profile.
Now did it occur to you, just once, that I wrote/write for franchises that aren't MLP?
8603894
And also you asked me what the writer did correctly? There's this thing called opinion, look it up. Maybe you'll find the definition.
8603909
That did occur to me, obviously. But I fail to find this other account. Which leads me to my thinking of you having no experience.
8603910
I understand reading comprehension is a tricky thing, but if the context of my comments sailed right over your head, I'll ask my original question in the same, overt manner it was posed in: "What about this story was done well?"
Hard Mode: Figuring out the uploading process doesn't count.
8603921
Wait, wait, wait wait, wait wait, I'll get back right to that, but where is that supposed account you've been telling me about?
8603928
I requested it get zucc'd after I forgot the password.
8603935
Pretty suspicious...
You have any other account on any platform that has your writing?
8603935
And I forgot to mention, the writer hasn't even been on FiM for three months, I know how hard it was my first three months, but I improved drastically, over time the writer will get better and that is a fact.
8603938
If it wasn't against site rules, I would've posted the name of my writing professor and my school a long time ago. Trust me, you're not the first person to sob "yOu GOt nO stORiEs!"
8603946
Listen here, it is pretty fuckin' shady that you've got no stories, you've got no other accounts, AND you're not supplying me with real evidence of your possible writing skills
8603945
That's a fact huh? Explain users like Jussonic, DakariKingMykan, TheBlackKnight, Evictus, and JokerTheHedgehog/SinestroTheJoker/TheVigilante.
8603949
He's been banned from this site before, (Shocking) for being a dick and a bully, so this is nothing new. I'm pretty sure he hasn't even read this story. He just puts in in the overly stupid or absolutely disgusting groups. When I do that, at least I have the grace to actually read the story and decide for myself if it's that bad.
8603949
Did you read the rules when you signed up there, Chunk? Posting anything that can reveal your/others' identity is banned under site rules.
8603950
Am I supposed to know who these people are?
8603956
I'm not saying anything about releasing your identity, just another account with your stories or writing on it.
8603953
I requested the last ban and the one before that was because I was phoneposting at the house of another user and the mods thought I was an alt account.
As for "hE doESn't rEaD tHe sTOriEs!", go back to anything I've added to the groups, look at my comments, and find one that doesn't specifically apply to their relevant stories, you lying soyboy.
8603958
They're examples of users that prove the idea of longtime site posting = improvement.
8603962
Sure, I'll find the time out of my fifty-four hour week to make an account at a septic hugbox like deviantart or wattpad and rewrite some old writing assignments from before I could legally drink.
Maybe in February.
8603971
Okay... well back to the topic then. YOU have NO stories uploaded, NO other accounts, and NO evidence. I think it's safe to say the argument is over. And if you want to continue it, that's fine. I'll just let you know it will be over when you provide some evidence.
8603980
If that's how you want to prove me, then go ahead!
8603987
Cool logic sheila. Maybe I'll try that one myself.
"You don't work with food, you have no ServSafe certication, you have no knife skills, and zero measuring proficiency.
Therefore, you can't criticise anything I make."
8603999
Well now let's go to a real situation.
Would you trust a certified surgeon to do your surgery?
Or a person who claims to know what they're doing, while they provide no evidence about what they claim?
8603878
Thanks Organical
8604005
Comparing a technical skill to a creative skill. Look up the False Equivalency fallacy and try again.
8604005
Hm....tuff questions...dang I'll have to get some friends to help me with this
8604011
What can I say, it's what friends do.
Especially when someone attacks a beginner on that magnitude.
8604018
Yeah the guys being a total jerk, I get my stories are bad but I don't care, I'm just writing my stories because I want to
8604013
Like I said, this will only continue until you give me a piece of evidence. You can keep wasting your time on this pointless argument that I've already won, or move on with your life.
8604023
everybody celebrate!
8604019
I wouldn't necessarily call them bad... they just need edited.
8604026
Thanks
i can put up with a bit of plot fuckery but at this point i have to stop every few seconds to recomprise myself, i don't care what kind of antisocial he is there is no way in hell he is this outright incapable of realizing what he is doing. i get he doesn't know elements and all but this is just reckless in like the probably hour alone did he just compleatly forget how karma works? i can already see like 3 things that can come back to bite him later, oh. also the setup is effectively the same as most other crazy alt universe stuff, i bet it has a damn TV tropes page by now
I love how the first chapter comments it’s just two guys fighting