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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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8958276
Both.
Ah yeah, an update!
I've been wondering when you were going to update. I've been looking forward to seeing how this story turns out.
Also, I bet his mares decided to come to his rescue, how timely.
So things went as expected, they've made their first moves, trying to use well timed theatrics and interruptions to keep the narrative that Ari is a villain.
Those pirate slave ships? Merchant ships
Slaves? Cargo
Everything was just a magical, fucked up version of the triangle trade, just that the zebra get shafted with no "benefits".
Darn cliffhangers
Gah a Clif hanger!
Nuuu Cliffhanger, we meet again.
Good to see, that the plan did not go without problems, but daaayumn, he's in deep shite.
And of course a cliffhanger.
Ari is an idiot. This was the worst time to hesitate. I don't care what moral quandaries you are having, have them AFTER you get to safety.
Quick edit: just realized that when Blueblood said his family has done things for Equestria through its history, its likely his family is responsible for everything bad that has happened. Cryssie's father's death, the 'misunderstanding,' I bet was caused by his family.
i find it... odd, that the guards pay no heed to the fact that he called blueblood a slaver... might be saving that for later? but still, that would make me not obey the prince.
8969524
Remember that the Griffin diplomats were killed by Solar Guard weapons. BB likely has many on the payroll. That, and all the guards are focused on that he has the princesses, and BB is the local authority.
8969473
Probably what "That" at the end was.
The descriptions in this chapter were confusing as HELL. More than half the time I could not figure out what was happening. In short, I have no freaking clue what just went down. I am utterly lost. There was no cohesion to this chapter. There were tons of descriptions, but that helped nothing.
Well, thus far evidence supports the 'conspiracy to keep the Princesses ignorant' theory.
8969691
To clarify, was it the speech without designation that induced the confusion? Were facts brushed over too quickly? Not enough scene descriptions that illuminated what he was facing? Too much description? Any particularly 'lost' spots where you really said 'what'?
Thank you for any feedback, I would like to make this more cohesive
8969927
I was lost with like the first 75% of the chapter. Everything seemed muddled and hard to read, hard to keep up with, like it was just a little too packed together or incoherent. Once the action started happening it was a little better. I am no editor or english lit. buff so I apologise for not being able to point out the specifics beyond the feel of it.
It is funny no matter how intelligent blueblood thinks he is. In the end he is an idiot.
He is sidetracking the one being trying to stop the world from being destroyed.
So either blueblood is revealed for what he is or he dies. He can not win.
8969927 The introspection was too thick, and the events were referenced and alluded to, more than stated in any firm manner. The speech was also vague, but that was not the worst. I simply had no way of following what was happening because the chapter was to bogged down with description and introspection rather than actual action. You spent over 8,000 words on something that, as far as I can tell, took perhaps a minute and a half? The dialogue could have been a lot worse but it could have done with a few more simple, direct statements instead of insinuations replacing nearly every word.
I know it won’t be for another dozen chapters, but I’m excited for when Ari realizes he’s mis-understood the princesses and the princesses find out what has been going on all around them without their knowledge.
Noooo the return of the cliff hanger WITH A VENGEANCE!!!!! anayway cant wait for more
.....I both love and don’t love you right now. I love your story. So much. But you are killing me with the cliff hangers!!!! (You are really good at suspense.) I have to know, Does Ari succeed in capturing the princesses!?!? I have to knooooooow!!! But I can wait till next chapter if you can’t tell me.......I suppose. (I love this story)
8970589
Thank you Keigar and Truth Seeker. I am editing as I write this, the points you stated are being addressed. The new version should be up tomorrow. I will let everybeing know when it is up. Please feel free to let me know if the changes helped (then, it's not up yet).
8971461
I think the biggest thing you did wrong was add too much introspection and descriptive reasoning in what was supposed to be an action scene. It threw off the pacing.
a grate first part i love how this is all laying out.
can you do us all a favor and just kill Blue-balls.
Good story. Enjoying it so far
Aargh! That is a mighty cliff hanger.
MUCH better. Thank you so much. I eagerly await the next chapter.
powerful, with
Edit: Also, how is it this chapter has more than a thousand views, but less than 500 likes?
When is the next chapter coming out?
9027806
Hopefully next week, I...Kinda, sorta, rewrote what I had weeks ago. The draft was written ages ago now and I really couldn't make the old sequence work with the way I feel about it now. On top of that, life has been very busy as well. So a bad combo.
Thank you for continuing to follow Saving Equis, the next chapter is on it's way.
9030076
Good to hear
this story REALLY remind's me of a single part of "Zero Punctuation's" episode of amnesia.
you're god is courteous enough to tell you you're targets are ____________2:21
a thought comes to mind about chrysalis's father, best case scenario Celestia heard his side of the story and sent him through the mirror and lied about his execution, second best is she's a fucking idiot and was being played by her subjects at the time, worst case scenario she truly is a xenophobic tyrant. while it makes for a good story more often than not I'm not exactly a fan of tyrantlestia stories.
if chrysalis's father is still alive then impregnating the princesses (especially Celestia) will be much more enjoyable/ willing on everyone's parts
how is the next chapter for this grate story coming along?
9071207
You know what? Just cause you asked I will post it. It was going to be a three chapter 'please don't send in the mob' post but I think the wait might be too cruel for you beings now. 12,000 words coming at yah!
As always please comment on your thoughts and in advance I will tell you that this is the last of the escaping part, next chapter post after this the aftermath begins. That should be fun
The god must be lending a hand