Junkie Mac lived in a torrent of tobacco ash, surrounded by pizza crusts and empty bottles in his rancid flat. Many times he had dreams of taking an axe, sharpening the blade and beginning to hack without mercy.
He used to have a life, but he was barely known for talking. That was before the crack, the glue, and everything he snorted. He used to have a family and they all just adored him, until he moved away in search of vices more important.
Follow me as I narrate the life of Macintosh, who got his wings and horn and traded them for open vein depositories. Watch as I show you what became of the first male alicorn in history, sparking much controversy.
Rated T for implicit drug use. The story is vaguely structured, free-form poetry.
Chapters (1)
inb4 auto downvotes
8479897
Yeah, I realised that a few minutes after posting. You never know, maybe a few people might actually read it, instead of being upset because I use a term in it that I clearly outline condemning in the description.
I can hope so, right?
AAIQU
8479909
Retard is a medical term. It's not your fault it is one of the new 'curse words' for the new generation.
Christ what the fuck did I just read?
Vaguely structured is right!
8479922
Is that a complaint? It sounds like a complaint.
Just gonna say it here now: The word 'retard' no longer appears in this story. I can't be arsed with it being downvoted to hell over it.
AAIQU
8479928
All I mean is that it was thematically wtf, and rather stream-of-consciousness.
I read it and I feel like nothing is wrong with it.
8480008
I thought the tags and descriptions made the theme fairly clear, honestly. I wouldn't say that the intention of the story is vague.
As for the poem/story itself? Just because it isn't conventionally structured, that doesn't make it stream of consciousness. I've written SoC before, and it doesn't work entirely in the same way. The thing that makes this vaguely structured, as I put it, is that it doesn't use conventional, predictable rhyming schemes, and the syllable counts in each stanza are deviated from at points.
The subject matter is still consistent, the story is fairly linear for the most part too.
AAIQU
The problem with this story is that it doesn't really go anywhere. Like, what was the point of this? What does it mean? Vague doesn't necessarily equal fascinating, and this was just strange and vague and a little bit boring. The whole thing doesn't make much sense, but not in an intriguing, captivating way. It just came off as flowery, edgy nonsense.
The story itself is well written, but the actual plot, if you can call it that, leaves much to be desired.
8480018
I'll take that as a compliment. Six of the initial downvotes came within five minutes or so of posting, all because of the title, I'm assuming. I understand that, which is why I've changed it.
AAIQU
8480022
I can appreciate that criticism. I'll try to answer everything you posed here best I can!
As for the point of this story? Well, as I said, free-form poetry exploring the life of an alicorn, depressed, drug addict Big Mac. One of the things I was aiming to highlight is the shroud under which those who are depressed and/or constantly under the influence of drugs view their day to day lives. In Big Mac's case this is exemplified by his old age, fading memory, and inability to die.
I was aiming for surreality, of course, as the preceding paragraph hopefully highlights. I'm sorry that you found it somewhat boring. I'm not sure if that was my lack in a solid communication of the plot, or the writing itself. I'll take that in mind.
However, I'd like to think that the story, when put together in context, makes as much sense as something like this can afford to. Flowery, I could agree with, definitely, and I am inexperienced with free-form poetry, so I'm willing to admit that some of the language I used to convey the tones may have been a little OTT. As for edgy, considering the themes I don't know if I'm inclined to agree, but I'll definitely take it into account!
Thank you for the criticism, though! I hope I was able to answer a couple of your questions regarding the story, and thank you for checking it out. Writing this was a bit of an experiment on my part to see if I could communicate an immortal character's struggle as an addict, and I am grateful for all of the criticism I receive!
AAIQU
8480036
Experimenting is good. Lord only knows I've done my fair share. And, like I said, the story was mechanically and technically solid. It just lacked something bringing it together for me. It's like a ham and cheese sandwich without any condiments. I'll still eat it, but I'd kill for some mustard.
Anyway, hope you learned something from this story. We can all afford to get better, eh?
8480036
Also, this isn't much of my business, but I wanna give my perspective on the title situation.
I don't know how many of the downvotes are actually coming from the fact that "retard" is non-PC. I think some of those insta-downvotes might come from the assumption of what a story called "Retard Mac" would be like. When you see a story like that, you don't think of something like what you wrote. You don't think ambition or prose or unique storytelling conventions. You think of shitty trollfics. Now, are people right for that? Probably not. But I don't really blame them.
Again, just my opinion on the issue
8480046
Mmm, agreed. The height of my experimentation is usually contained within prose, and occasionally song lyrics, and those things are often well received, but as for poetry itself? I definitely have room for improvement. I can appreciate what you're saying there, yeah. I'm going to wait to see if any more opinions come, take in whatever people have to say to me, positive or negative, and try to take something away from that feedback. It all helps, after all, and this was fun to write!
8480058
Anddd yes. Looking this over, I'm inclined to agree that some of those responses may have been due to the implied story type rather than the actual word. It's a shame, really, as I thought the original title was stronger, but it seems to have been more hassle than it was worth. Thanks for mentioning this.
AAIQU
Why did you originally call it Retard Mac? I think that is automatically not a good choice for words in this day and age.
Story was a good read though
This honestly wasn't bad.
8480078
8480102
8480115
It was originally called Retard Mac, yes. The reason for that was that the locals had become used to calling him such. They would have called him Retard Mac because in their eyes he was an alicorn, basically aristocracy in right and title, yet he lived like a deadbeat and wasted his life in spite of that. 'Here comes Retard Mac, mashed out of his face again, but by all means he could be living in a mansion right now. Why does he waste his life like that?'
That's what I was going for. Of course, I changed it when the title attracted a lot of negative attention, as I wasn't looking to offend anyone.
8480336
Thank you very much. While I haven't read any (yet), having a look through your stories list tells me you're a lot more experienced in poetry, so you complimenting this first attempt of mine is really something!
AAIQU
8481099
Junkie is a far more fitting title. I'm not exactly sure that this would qualify as poetry (perhaps a prose poem since that's a thing) because it does tell its story in a very prose-y fashion. It seems more a style experiment than anything else.
I'd honestly like to see more of this kind of story, though.
And thanks for the compliment!
art is straying ever so close to the point of no return
may god help you now
for there is no god on the other side
ps. read my shit.
8481559
Where should I start?
AAIQU
8484269
the golden rule and nothing else