Arguing With Yourself
“Oh Sunny…”
A slow, raspy voice echoed through Sunset’s home waking the girl from her slumber. She looked around, first noticing that she was laying on her couch, her book in front of her on the page she needed to read for homework. ‘Must’ve dozed off reading the chapter, typical.’
“Long time no see…Sunny.”
“Who’s there?” Sunset cautiously looked around in the darkness of her room, seeing no one in sight. She took a defensive stance. “Whoever you are I’m not afraid, show yourself!”
“Wow…of course you would say something so cliché. Just goes to show how worse you’ve become.”
Sunset looked behind her and saw a sight that made her tense up in surprise. There she saw the monster she once was long ago. Her fiery hair glowing brightly, her demon-like black eyes locked onto hers. Her form was transparent, but she still looked as menacing as she did before.
Sunset crossed her arms and looked back at her in anger. “You again.”
Demon Shimmer cackled. “I’m thankful that you at least remember me. After your friends defeated me at the Fall Formal, I found myself lying dormant inside your mind. It wasn’t until the Friendship Games that I slowly got back some of my power from all that dark magic.”
“You’ve…just been hanging out in my mind this whole time?”
“I was every bad decision you’ve made. That time when you yelled at that nerd for was she did was hilarious. I…”
“You were destroyed and brought back by magic and now you’re relegated to a shoulder devil.” Sunset smirked as she shrugged her shoulders. “Not so much of a threatening she-demon anymore now aren’t we?”
“SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!” Demon Shimmer angrily yelled as her hair flared. “We would’ve won, we should’ve won! The crown and all of Equestria would’ve been ours if it weren’t for that meddling Princess and those stupid friends of yours!” She slightly composed herself as she stared back at the girl, who was standing defiantly before her.
She giggled. “You became such a goody little two-shoes after that day didn’t you? It was disgusting how pathetically nice you’ve been to those girls. I couldn’t do anything before…but I plan on reminding you why we came to this stupid world in the first place.”
Sunset felt a mixture of intimidation towards the sudden presence of her former self, and annoyance at her words towards her and her friends. “So…what? If you’re trying to turn me back into what I was before it’s a little too late. Being the bad girl is overrated anyways.”
“All it takes is one bad day.” The demon snickered showing off her jagged teeth. “One of these days, you’ll crack under pressure, that’s when I take over and get my powers back. Then no one, not even your friends or that precious Princess of yours will stop me again.”
“Not while I am around!”
Suddenly a bright light flashed before the two almost blinding them both. “Aw, what now?” Sunset exclaimed as she saw a figure forming in the light.
The figure formed into the shape of a woman, wings and a long unicorn horn extended from her body. Her clothes of white robes formed after as with her shoes. When the light died down, there floated another Sunset Shimmer.
“Greetings Sunset.” The girl said in a heavenly-sounding voice. “It’s wonderful to see you again. “You may call me, Daydream Shimmer.”
Sunset looked at herself in wonderment. “I think I know who you are. My friends said that when I was fighting Midnight Sparkle, that I looked like some kind of angel. Guess that means I have you to thank for helping me save the day, huh?”
Daydream bowed at the complement. “I was only doing what was best for our friends. Ever since that day the magic from that device placed me inside your conscience, and I’ve made it my duty to keep you and our friends safe. I…”
“Hey Raccoon face, quit stealing my speech,” Demon Shimmer said as she approached the other form. “Now mind taking a hike? I was in the middle of something more important than you.”
Daydream crossed her arms as she gave her an annoyed look. “Actually, I do mind Demon. I’m here to stop you from hurting Sunset. I will not allow you to take over her body once more.”
Demon rolled her eyes. “Oh and what are you gonna do about it? Lecture me about how bad I am, or will you actually say something interesting for a change? Word of advice, you’re not exactly high on the intimidation scale.”
“Watch your tone, you evil witch. You and I both know I’m more powerful than you are and ever will be. The only reason why you haven’t been kicked out of her mind is because you’re too stubborn to know when to quit.”
“You’re sadly mistaken my dear. I’m pretty sure the real reason why I’m still here is that you’re too much of a weak-minded fool to go beyond that nice girl persona you hide yourself behind.”
Daydream’s hands glowed a brilliant yellow as she stared the other down. “Oh, you are just asking for it now monster!”
Demon’s grinned as her hands were set ablaze. “You really wanna go right? Then bring it Longhorn!”
“Stop it both of you!” Sunset yelled stopping both figments in their tracks. They looked at each other for a brief moment before lowering their hands and looked at Sunset dismissively. “Before you two ruin my home in some grand and epic battle for supremacy for my brain, will either of you explain what’s going on here?”
Daydream was first to speak. “My apologies Sunset, but Demon Shimmer and I have been fighting for the past year and a half for control over you mind. I’m more powerful so that’s why she hasn’t taken over and you’re not…evil again. But that’s only because I keep her at bay, and she’s been trying and failing to take back control.”
“Wait…you mean to tell me that you both been bickering since the Friendship Games for my head? No wonder I’ve gotten so many headaches since then, it was because you two won’t just shut up and let me be a normal for once.”
Daydream rubbed the back of her head. “To my defense Sunset, we wouldn’t be here if SOMEBODY wasn’t such a cheater!”
Demon scoffed. “Oh, you would say that, you little sore loser. Besides we’ve been playing cards for a while now and you should know by now that I don’t cheat in cards, you just suck at it.”
“That Full house you somehow pulled off at the end was totally you cheating. Do you expect me to believe that coming from a literal she-demon?”
“Why, no, Miss Daydream, I expect you to cry me a river, build yourself a bridge, and then get over it.”
Daydream clenched her fists. “Ugh…do you see what I have to deal with around here, Miss Shimmer? Every day this nutcase of a demon shows me that she’s nothing more than an immature brat. She even went on this huge tirade about how she was one of the best villains Princess Twilight had fought, and she keeps calling me an eyesore who ruined the Friendship Games. I don’t even know what she means by that.”
Demon responded by sticking out her tongue. “Oh that’s it Longhorn? Cause I got a ton more things to say you.”
"You know what...you are the worst part of Sunset's conscience ever."
"I know you are but what am I?"
“Will you two just knock it off?!” Sunset yelled at the top of her lungs, getting both figments' attention. She sighed pinching the bridge between her eyes. “Can this wait later? I have a test to study for and I would like some peace and quiet. Now if you’ll excuse me I'm going to go upstairs, and pretend this never happened.”
Sunset grabbed her books and left the two behind as she went into her room. Closing the door she took the time to feed her pet Leopard Gecko Ray. She smiled. “Well at least you don’t have tiny magical lizards arguing in your head. I hope.” She said petting him slightly.
With a yawn she placed her stuff on her bed and laid in front of them. She quickly opened her textbook to the page she was reading before took that snooze and started to read.
“Oh look…you’re still here.”
Only to be interrupted by herself.
“I don’t think you’re wanted here. Perhaps it’s best if you move along.”
“Oooh very threatening, I’m so scared.”
Sunset groaned. “Can you guys do this later please?”
Daydream nodded. “We will leave you at peace, but first I must be rid of this red nuisance.”
Demon shrugged. “Now now, let’s not be so hasty. How about cut the action and we both leave at the same time huh?”
“And risk leaving you with Miss Shimmer? Yeah, you’d like that wouldn’t you monster?”
“Tch…now look who’s being a stick in the mud yet again.”
“And look who’s being a salty child who lost to a Pretty Purple Pony Princess.”
“Why you little…”
Sunset pulled at her hair in frustration. “Ok both of you shut-up! I’ve had it up to here with you two. Like it or not you both are a part of me whether it’s the good or the bad. I need Demon Shimmer to remind me that I was evil, and I need Daydream Shimmer to stop me from doing evil stuff . So if you’re not here to help with my homework, either stop fighting, or get back in my head!”
The two figments looked at each other, looked at Sunset who quickly went back to her book, then looked back at each other once more. Then they disappeared.
Sunset breathed a sigh of relief that the two were gone…for now. “Glad that’s over with, now where was I?” Looking back at her book she suddenly felt her mind feel much clearer then it’s been before. It made her able to look at her book without so much of a second thought as she was able to understand it much better.
“This is more like it, just me, a book, a quiet room, and a clear mind.” Sunset said to herself. “Guess when those two actually get along for once, my head actually feels better for once.” She continued to read her book, but not before she felt a twinge of fear that made her blanch. “Oh no…I hope Twilight’s okay.”
---
Twilight Sparkle scratched her head as she looked back at the image before her. “So…are you just going to be living in my head forever or…what?”
Midnight Sparkle shrugged. “Meh… you guys beat me twice at this point, I’d rather not go for a third. But while I’m here I wanna know something… what’s up with you and that Timber boy?”
Twilight pinched the bridge of her nose.
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A very funny and beautifully written story I do hope there will be a sequel to this wonderfully delightful story.
That funnier then I thought it'd be.
XD i think thats what my boyfriends head is like sometimes
This is amazing! Arrggggghhhh
I WISH I COULD WRITE THIS WELL
BUT I CAN'T
BECAUSE I SUCK
Your bio about becoming a professional writer inspired me to write a review for this.
It appears evil isn't the only thing Sunset Shimmer kissed goodbye after the first movie; she also kicked childish pettiness out of her brain.
We both know which was more important to get rid of.
I found several mistakes, most of which being about punctuation and not only when it comes to said tags.
She looked around, first noticing that she was laying on her couch
‘Must’ve dozed off reading the chapter, typical.’
wings and a long unicorn horn
When the light died down
“Greetings Sunset,” the girl said in a heavenly-sounding voice.
My friends said that when I was fighting Midnight Sparkle,
save the day, huh?
quit stealing my speech,” Demon Shimmer
"Actually, I do mind Demon."
Watch your tone, you evil witch
you’re too much of a weak-minded fool
“Oh, you are just asking for it now, monster!”
Oh, you would say that, you little sore loser.
Why, no, Miss Daydream
and then get over it
do you see what I have to deal with around here, Miss Shimmer?
getting both figments' attention
Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you monster?
So if you’re not here to help with my homework, either stop fighting, or get back in my head!
Now that the details are done, the meat of what I consider the problem in this story; the narration. It's pretty much 'tell' rather 'show.' I'll just give one improvement as an example, because rewriting someone else's entire story strikes me as very insulting to the original author unless they asked for it, and even if they actually did ask for it to be honest.
The demon's hair flared like the flames it was fashioned after, anger smoldering in her eyes like so many embers.
Speaking of little miss shoulder devil, I suggest giving her a better name, if only because she probably wouldn't accept something so utterly unoriginal to call herself. 'Demon Shimmer' could work if this story was from Sunset Shimmer's intimate point of view because that's certainly what she'll call the thing, but the narration's actual point of view is more of a foreign spectator's for most of the story.
'The Succubus of Snark' could be a good name because even if her actual snark is a lot lower than necessary to earn any kind of title, she certainly has the ego to prance about calling herself that. In that case, I suggest you have Sunset (and maybe Daydream) be less than impressed by her wit so that you don't look like full of yourself.
Because if both the cartoon and fandom of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic have taught me one thing, it's that bragging is an infinitely worse crime than raping reality and the minds of everyone inside it for the evulz.
I'd like to point out that there lacks a space after every ellipsis.
Now what I liked in this story, because I did like some things.
Yeah, because the cartoonishly evil prom queen whom Sunset Shimmer used to be wasn't cliché at all.
To my great dismay and endless disappointment, this sentence couldn't be replaced with "did someone order a large ham!?"
You can always count on evil to say it like it is.
It's the horn. No one can take this thing seriously.
Yep, the lesser daemon of sexy done wrong is a part of Sunset Shimmer all right.
Angels aren't taught poker faces anymore. The last time their boss did, the chief archangel won all of his savings while playing belote.
One question though; why do the italics stop after two of Demon Sunset's lines?
Weird how only Rainbow Dash can brag anytime and not get in trouble but Sunset lands in loads of trouble when she does.
That ending.
8442722
I just want to thank you so much for taking the time out of your hands to write up this review. I'm actually pretty flattered that you would do this because you were inspired by me of all people. But first I should say a few things.
1. I fixed some of the mistakes I made with the commas and other punctuations. Didn't think I needed all those commas.
2. Didn't think the narration was a problem I had, although that re-write you did with Demon's hair was so much better than what I did. Definitely something I will work on.
3. I honestly wish I chose a better name that wasn't Sunset Satan as Derpibooru would call her. I wanted to do a thing where both conscience's names began with "D", but I still wrote that wishing I had a better name. But I do like your nickname.
4. I honestly didn't know you had to add a space after ellipsis.
5. The italics were for dramatic effect. At least I hoped it worked.
Admittedly I did kinda rushed this story, as I wanted to get this out in time for Sunset Shimmer Day, and I had less time than I thought I would have. A problem that I do need to fix, besides the obvious, is not looking over my stories thoroughly before I post them, because when I was reading this to a friend after-the-fact, I mentally kick myself. I'll be sure to look over those tags you mentioned.
In any case, I still want to thank you so much for the review. It's kinda sucks to see someone point out your mistakes and realize that you're not as good as you thought you were, but it's way better knowing that I can use those criticisms to make my future stories better, especially when I do this professionally someday. I appreciate your time here, I'm glad you enjoyed my stories, and feel free to read or share my stories around. If you want to.
Thank you, have a nice day! And here's to hoping that any punctuation mistakes in this reply isn't due to me writing this at midnight.
8447261
You're welcome, and thanks for replying to my comment. Gratitude is not found enough on this site.
To be frank, I suggest looking for a second opinion (even if it's just reading the guide I linked thoroughly) since, well, let's just say some of the sentences in one of my latest wips go on for like five lines and have only one period, at the end.
Quite a few commas though. 
I'd say your story was closer to a draft than a finished product. Or at least, to one of my drafts since apparently beige prose is a thing even though I never encountered it.
Little miss sexy done wrong calling herself a succubus could lead to a scene like this:
"Sunset didn't understand why the demon called herself a succubus, or why most of her fellow students chose that name too. She was rather the opposite of that. I mean, just look at her face.
Which was technically her face too. For some unfathomable reason, this didn't quite cheer Sunset up."
It was kind of an assumption from all other punctuation being followed by a space when it's not at the end of the paragraph, but apparently the writing guide agrees with me even though it doesn't spell it out.
Hm.
I'd say the fact the italics start from the beginning and end abruptly without appearing again make it look like an omission or something dropped before it was complete. A second opinion could be useful here.
My personal opinion on the matter is that an inoffensive deadline is never a good reason to rush anything, but then again '[Thing] Days' never mattered to me so I can't say I'm in your shoes.
I know it's tempting to upload as soon as you consider a story done, but like you've just discovered, it's better to wait for it to be polished. A suggestion I've seen is waiting for a few days (or even a week) before going back to your 'finished' story. Even if you don't improve the narration, chances are you'll find some typos or mistakes that escaped you the first time.
I'm lucky to have Microsoft Word's spellcheck to help me with, and the program is also useful for synonyms.
An editor can help, if you can handle relying on someone and having to wait for their work to be done before continuing. It's not necessary though; I qualify my own writing of 'surprisingly good considering no one else checks it.' Like, insulting levels of surprisingly good.
Yes, yes, Trixie. I love you two. Let's gaze adoringly in each other's eyes to see our amazing reflection.
Note of warning: I can only help you with the narration. My characterization being faithful is closer to accidental than planned and I couldn't develop a plot or a character if my life depended on it, as proven by my several abandoned multi-chaptered stories. Incidentally why I post only oneshots because I don't like uploading a fanfiction and not finishing it.
Ah, I have no one to share this hobby with.
Thank you again for making the effort to reply to my comment.
That ending was genius.
Have a like.
Great story!!!!!!
The ending was SOOOOOOO hilarious!!!!!!!!!
Sequel please , either about Twilight's Demon or the 5 of them have a chat.
Please do my sequel idea.
Sequel please , either about Twilight's Demon or the 5 of them have a chat.
How many does she have?
Twice? Also, I need me a sequel.
That is hilarious!!!
Sequel please , either about Twilight's Demon or the 5 of them have a chat. Please.
Wouldn't only Sunset know that herself? Not the demon part of her?
of course, she'd call her that.
glad that's over with.
well at least its only 1 instead of 2 voices in her head like Sunset.
Huh. I guess Sunset Shimmer was defeated by a group of meddling kids and their talking dog. If you stretch it... the whole shebang was also kiiinda a plot to snatch free real estate by taking over equestria?
Sunset Shimmer is a scooby doo villain.
Why is this so funny–