• Member Since 14th Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Punk Rock Prom Queen


Ironic reasons are the best reasons darling.

T
Source

This story is a sequel to My Night with Starlight


Starlight Glimmer has a sleepover at Sunset Shimmer’s apartment during her first visit to the human world. Discussion of Human Anatomy and innuendo follows.


This story is a sequel to No Raisin's one-shot My night With Starlight as part of Tumble Weed's Springtime Sequel Sandbox Switcheroo Contest.

This story is rated T for Teen because my Teenage characters talk like actual Teenagers.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 12 )

Nicely done. Starlight's confusion over toes was fantastic.

8882399
Why thank you, that’s actually pretty high praise for me considering who it’s coming from :raritystarry:

Interesting that you picked that one, of all my stories, to write a sequel to. Can't complain, though, since it makes sense and also gets me some extra faves and maybe a follower or two. :rainbowkiss:

The running gag of Sunset facepalming was pretty great. Tickled my comedy pickle, know what I'm sayin'?

But there is a problem here, and it has to do with grammar and stuff like that.

Not sure if this will help or anything, but let's give this a shot.

“Celestia’s flaming clitoris!” Came Starlight Glimmer’s terrified shout.

First of all, what a way to start a fic. :rainbowlaugh:

But no, I wanna point out something here. When attributing dialogue to someone, you shouldn't capitalize the first letter of the first word to come after the line unless it's the character's name.

So it should look like this, right?

“Celestia’s flaming clitoris!” came Starlight Glimmer’s terrified shout.

Something like that.

“They’re called feet Starlight,” Sunset sighed.

As the saying goes, there's a difference between "Let's eat, Grandma!" and "Let's eat Grandma!"

this worlds time stream.

Should be world's, since it's possessive.

An hour and a half later both girls were showered and dressed with Starlight wearing a borrowed set of pajamas.

Actually, this is a good example of a sentence that could use a comma or two to give it those proper little pauses, because without them it kind of runs off the rails in one buttery motion. There are a lot of sentences here that could use either commas or semi-colons, but maybe that's a stylistic choice.

Besides my Pinkie is rather promiscuous

I'm not sure if a word is missing or if an additional word was put in there by accident.

your’s

Should be yours.

but I didn’t think everyone with a decent rack was about to pop out a mini-me.”

cdn-images-1.medium.com/max/1252/1*ZYpBSAe0dC4_ha-3GhcO9Q.jpeg

And that's all I can think of right now.

I don't know if I came off as harsh or not (I hope I didn't), but I do think this is a lovely companion piece to my fic. It's shorter, raunchier, wackier, and you put a few recurring jokes in there that I dig. :twilightblush:

Well.

If this is actual teenage dialogue, I'm glad I never was one. :rainbowlaugh:

8882613
I’m glad you liked it. I don’t think you came off as harsh. When I get the chance I’ll go back through and fix the grammar mistakes you pointed out.

This makes all the sense in the world. :D

Oh I need more of this, please tell me there's more planned

This was stupid and had no plot.

That being said:I FUCKING LOVED THIS.

Sunset’s palm went on a second date with her face. There was talk of meeting each other’s parents.

You. Have. Slain. Me.

Seeing the romance tag had me thinking this would turn out differently, but that's not really important. I do like the end result, since it's humorous at the very least. That said, I couldn't help but notice a few places where the some of the writing was a bit questionable. Namely, the lack of comma usage in places where there should be, though this was already pointed out by No Raisin. I'd say that it could be massaged a bit by editing into something better, though it's still enjoyable regardless.

Awkward, cringey and hilarious

why am i so in love with this concept

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