• Member Since 17th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen 16 hours ago

Horizon Spark


Writing My Little Pony stories for you so I can one day become an amazing author! Please comment and tell me what you think.

E
Source

Fifteen years in the future, Flurry Heart is now a grown teenager and Princess of the Crystal Empire. Over the years she's been taught by her parents and Aunts powerful magical spells and the lessons of growing up.

In the present year Twilight and the others are awoken by a loud sound resonating in the castle. Looking to see what it was they saw a young Alicorn mare who claims to be Twilight's niece from the future. Their morning just went from normal to weird.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 18 )

nice would make an awesome episode

8253621

Yeah it would have, also it's too bad that Sunset didn't get a chance to see Teen Flurry Heart, if she came through the mirror and saw her they could have gotten to talk about a lot of stuff I bet.

This wasn't a bad story, that being said you'd benefit from using an editor, figuring out how to manage your pacing, and scrutinizing your characters dialogue a bit more(it was a bit jumpy and character interaction didn't feel natural at several points.) Other than that, keep it up, you'll get better the more you stick to it.

That last sentence...You've played Sonic Generations haven't you?

This is a very good one-shot.

8253795
Thanks for the advice. Yeah the dialogue was the hard part for me since I had trouble making it natural. As for the pacing that was just me trying to get this done as soon as I can, not thinking about how it might disrupt the pacing. But thanks for the criticism and the small bit of praise, I need more of that if I want to be a great story writer.

Ive been getting mary sue vibes

But it's probably just me

D'aaaaaaaw

sequel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:flutterrage:

It's almost unbearable to read more than a few paragraphs at a time. Please, please get an editor, or at least skim your work after typing it!

8361303
Unbearable?
...Well I'm sorry if this story rubbed you the wrong way for some reason.

First off I did enjoy this. It was cute seeing Flurry Heart interacting with the 'past' ponies, and I can totally see her acting that way in the future. I just kinda wish she hinted a bit more at relationships. Like maybe letting it slip to Starlight or Twilight that Spike and Rarity are an item.

I also do feel it's a bit strange she divulges so much of the future to them. One problem with time travel is if you let people know certain things are going to happen, their knowing about it can cause it not to happen.

Last of all, I kinda subconsciously do this to all stories I read. I noticed a few mistakes:

“You should’ve told me that Flurry Heart was coming from the future. I would’ve plan some kind of time traveler party for Flurry,

Planned

Flurry Heart shook her head and gave a small smile. “There’s no evil conquering villain taking over or ab a future in ruins

or ab? Not sure what you were going for there.

I was just the small filly still learning about the world. I would play games with mom and dad, learn cool spell from Uncle Sunburst

cool spellS. Plural.
(learn cool spells from your hus- I mean Uncle Sunburst. XD)

You don’t have responsibilities like I do. You’re not expected to one day lead country without a choice in the matter.

lead A country

After gathering her things she used her horn she aimed a small laser to the floor

Needs rewording. 'used her horn to aim a small laser' maybe?

"And don't worry about your future honey, we me an your mother will have everything taken care of."

Probably not the best way to phrase that. "your mother and the rest of us" or something like that might sound better.

There are places that probably need commas too, but I'm not the best editor. ^^;

Hey every one I need to ask a favor,
I don't know if this is just me or sometimes I've noticed the site keeps certain stories in your face and even if you know what to look for you won't find it.
Well this has been me for months but I read a story similar to this where the princesses have been killed by assassins and after the story takes place thousands of years later the tribes have split up and formed a unicorn high council,a earth pony kingdom, and pegasi have escaped into the clouds and during a backstory arch the descendants of the mane six tried to keep everyone together in ponyville, but the others didn't listen and it was destroyed thousands of years before the main part of the story then we come to a earth pony couple hiding in a tent about to have a baby and are being hunted down by unicorns. So right as they burst into the tent and try to take the new filly, who turns out to be an alicorn, she reacts and blows them away with a burst of power, then the story goes on the her life and trying to find out why she is an alicorn. It was a really good story but it's been forever since I've read it and I would really appreciate some help if you've heard of it. THANK YOU!

she chnaged the future

Flurry Heart ruffled her feathers. “Well I can start by saying how much I miss your pancakes auntie. You stopped making them for me in the future just because I got older, I mean I know I’m not a filly anymore but seriously who gets too old for your pancakes?”

Twilight...? Good... at cooking??? The world has ended...

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