• Member Since 17th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Horizon Spark


Writing My Little Pony stories for you so I can one day become an amazing author! Please comment and tell me what you think.

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Sunset Shimmer is visited by her conscience. Her very annoying conscience.

Written for Sunset Shimmer day. Inspired by this artwork by Flight-of-the-Moon.

HAPPY SUNSET SHIMMER!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 16 )

A very funny and beautifully written story I do hope there will be a sequel to this wonderfully delightful story. :twilightsmile:

That funnier then I thought it'd be.

XD i think thats what my boyfriends head is like sometimes

This is amazing! Arrggggghhhh


I WISH I COULD WRITE THIS WELL

BUT I CAN'T

BECAUSE I SUCK

Your bio about becoming a professional writer inspired me to write a review for this.

It appears evil isn't the only thing Sunset Shimmer kissed goodbye after the first movie; she also kicked childish pettiness out of her brain.

We both know which was more important to get rid of.

I found several mistakes, most of which being about punctuation and not only when it comes to said tags.

She looked around first noticing that she was laying on her couch

She looked around, first noticing that she was laying on her couch

‘Must’ve dozed off reading the Chapter, typical.’

‘Must’ve dozed off reading the chapter, typical.’

wings and a long Unicorn horn

wings and a long unicorn horn

When a light died down

When the light died down

“Greetings Sunset.The girl said in a heavenly sounding voice.

“Greetings Sunset,the girl said in a heavenly-sounding voice.

My friends said that when I was fighting Midnight Sparkle,

My friends said that when I was fighting Midnight Sparkle,

save the day huh?

save the day, huh?

quit stealing my speech.” Demon Shimmer

quit stealing my speech,” Demon Shimmer

"Actually I do mind Demon."

"Actually, I do mind Demon."

Watch your tone you evil witch

Watch your tone, you evil witch

you’re too much of a weak minded fool

you’re too much of a weak-minded fool

“Oh you are just asking for it now monster!”

“Oh, you are just asking for it now, monster!”

Oh you would say that you little sore loser.

Oh, you would say that, you little sore loser.

Why no Miss Daydream

Why, no, Miss Daydream

and the get over it

and then get over it

do you see what I have to deal with around here Miss Shimmer?

do you see what I have to deal with around here, Miss Shimmer?

getting both figments attention

getting both figments' attention

Yeah you’d like that wouldn’t you monster?

Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you monster?

So if you’re not here to help with my homework either stop fighting, or get back in my head!

So if you’re not here to help with my homework, either stop fighting, or get back in my head!

Now that the details are done, the meat of what I consider the problem in this story; the narration. It's pretty much 'tell' rather 'show.' I'll just give one improvement as an example, because rewriting someone else's entire story strikes me as very insulting to the original author unless they asked for it, and even if they actually did ask for it to be honest.

Demon Shimmer angrily yelled as her hair flared.

The demon's hair flared like the flames it was fashioned after, anger smoldering in her eyes like so many embers.

Speaking of little miss shoulder devil, I suggest giving her a better name, if only because she probably wouldn't accept something so utterly unoriginal to call herself. 'Demon Shimmer' could work if this story was from Sunset Shimmer's intimate point of view because that's certainly what she'll call the thing, but the narration's actual point of view is more of a foreign spectator's for most of the story.

'The Succubus of Snark' could be a good name because even if her actual snark is a lot lower than necessary to earn any kind of title, she certainly has the ego to prance about calling herself that. In that case, I suggest you have Sunset (and maybe Daydream) be less than impressed by her wit so that you don't look like full of yourself.

Because if both the cartoon and fandom of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic have taught me one thing, it's that bragging is an infinitely worse crime than raping reality and the minds of everyone inside it for the evulz.

I'd like to point out that there lacks a space after every ellipsis.

Now what I liked in this story, because I did like some things.

“Wow…of course you would say something so cliché. Just goes to show how worse you’ve become.”

Yeah, because the cartoonishly evil prom queen whom Sunset Shimmer used to be wasn't cliché at all. :trollestia:

“Not while I am around!”

To my great dismay and endless disappointment, this sentence couldn't be replaced with "did someone order a large ham!?"

I was in the middle of something more important than you.

You can always count on evil to say it like it is. :trollestia:

Word of advice, you’re not exactly high on the intimidation scale.

It's the horn. No one can take this thing seriously.

“Wait…you mean to tell me that you both been bickering since the Friendship Games for my head? No wonder I’ve gotten so many headaches since then, it was because you two won’t just shut up and let me be a normal for once.”

Yep, the lesser daemon of sexy done wrong is a part of Sunset Shimmer all right. :trollestia:

Besides we’ve been playing cards for a while now and you should know by now that I don’t cheat in cards, you just suck at it.

Angels aren't taught poker faces anymore. The last time their boss did, the chief archangel won all of his savings while playing belote.

One question though; why do the italics stop after two of Demon Sunset's lines?

Weird how only Rainbow Dash can brag anytime and not get in trouble but Sunset lands in loads of trouble when she does.

8442722
I just want to thank you so much for taking the time out of your hands to write up this review. I'm actually pretty flattered that you would do this because you were inspired by me of all people. But first I should say a few things.
1. I fixed some of the mistakes I made with the commas and other punctuations. Didn't think I needed all those commas.
2. Didn't think the narration was a problem I had, although that re-write you did with Demon's hair was so much better than what I did. Definitely something I will work on.
3. I honestly wish I chose a better name that wasn't Sunset Satan as Derpibooru would call her. I wanted to do a thing where both conscience's names began with "D", but I still wrote that wishing I had a better name. But I do like your nickname.
4. I honestly didn't know you had to add a space after ellipsis.
5. The italics were for dramatic effect. At least I hoped it worked.

Admittedly I did kinda rushed this story, as I wanted to get this out in time for Sunset Shimmer Day, and I had less time than I thought I would have. A problem that I do need to fix, besides the obvious, is not looking over my stories thoroughly before I post them, because when I was reading this to a friend after-the-fact, I mentally kick myself. I'll be sure to look over those tags you mentioned.

In any case, I still want to thank you so much for the review. It's kinda sucks to see someone point out your mistakes and realize that you're not as good as you thought you were, but it's way better knowing that I can use those criticisms to make my future stories better, especially when I do this professionally someday. I appreciate your time here, I'm glad you enjoyed my stories, and feel free to read or share my stories around. If you want to. :raritywink:

Thank you, have a nice day! And here's to hoping that any punctuation mistakes in this reply isn't due to me writing this at midnight.
:trollestia:

8447261
You're welcome, and thanks for replying to my comment. Gratitude is not found enough on this site.

1. I fixed some of the mistakes I made with the commas and other punctuations. Didn't think I needed all those commas.

To be frank, I suggest looking for a second opinion (even if it's just reading the guide I linked thoroughly) since, well, let's just say some of the sentences in one of my latest wips go on for like five lines and have only one period, at the end. :trixieshiftleft: Quite a few commas though. :trixieshiftright:

2. Didn't think the narration was a problem I had, although that re-write you did with Demon's hair was so much better than what I did. Definitely something I will work on.

I'd say your story was closer to a draft than a finished product. Or at least, to one of my drafts since apparently beige prose is a thing even though I never encountered it.

3. I honestly wish I chose a better name that wasn't Sunset Satan as Derpibooru would call her. I wanted to do a thing where both conscience's names began with "D", but I still wrote that wishing I had a better name. But I do like your nickname.

Little miss sexy done wrong calling herself a succubus could lead to a scene like this:

"Sunset didn't understand why the demon called herself a succubus, or why most of her fellow students chose that name too. She was rather the opposite of that. I mean, just look at her face.

Which was technically her face too. For some unfathomable reason, this didn't quite cheer Sunset up."

:trollestia:

4. I honestly didn't know you had to add a space after ellipsis.

It was kind of an assumption from all other punctuation being followed by a space when it's not at the end of the paragraph, but apparently the writing guide agrees with me even though it doesn't spell it out.

5. The italics were for dramatic effect. At least I hoped it worked.

Hm.

I'd say the fact the italics start from the beginning and end abruptly without appearing again make it look like an omission or something dropped before it was complete. A second opinion could be useful here.

Admittedly I did kinda rushed this story, as I wanted to get this out in time for Sunset Shimmer Day, and I had less time than I thought I would have.

My personal opinion on the matter is that an inoffensive deadline is never a good reason to rush anything, but then again '[Thing] Days' never mattered to me so I can't say I'm in your shoes.

A problem that I do need to fix, besides the obvious, is not looking over my stories thoroughly before I post them, because when I was reading this to a friend after-the-fact, I mentally kick myself. I'll be sure to look over those tags you mentioned.

I know it's tempting to upload as soon as you consider a story done, but like you've just discovered, it's better to wait for it to be polished. A suggestion I've seen is waiting for a few days (or even a week) before going back to your 'finished' story. Even if you don't improve the narration, chances are you'll find some typos or mistakes that escaped you the first time.

I'm lucky to have Microsoft Word's spellcheck to help me with, and the program is also useful for synonyms.

An editor can help, if you can handle relying on someone and having to wait for their work to be done before continuing. It's not necessary though; I qualify my own writing of 'surprisingly good considering no one else checks it.' Like, insulting levels of surprisingly good.

Yes, yes, Trixie. I love you two. Let's gaze adoringly in each other's eyes to see our amazing reflection. :trollestia:

especially when I do this professionally someday

Note of warning: I can only help you with the narration. My characterization being faithful is closer to accidental than planned and I couldn't develop a plot or a character if my life depended on it, as proven by my several abandoned multi-chaptered stories. Incidentally why I post only oneshots because I don't like uploading a fanfiction and not finishing it.

I appreciate your time here, I'm glad you enjoyed my stories, and feel free to read or share my stories around. If you want to. :raritywink:

Ah, I have no one to share this hobby with. :rainbowlaugh:

Thank you, have a nice day!

Thank you again for making the effort to reply to my comment. :twilightsmile:

That ending was genius. :rainbowlaugh: Have a like.

I really loved this story. These two were fighting like five year olds and let me tell you that the ending was just awesome! Great job!

Great story!!!!!!
The ending was SOOOOOOO hilarious!!!!!!!!!

Sequel please , either about Twilight's Demon or the 5 of them have a chat.

Please do my sequel idea.

Sequel please , either about Twilight's Demon or the 5 of them have a chat.

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