• Member Since 14th Jul, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Nameless Narrator

Criticise, comment, suggest, engage! Be constructive.


It was supposed to be simple. After drone 200234 learned about the incoming invasion into ponyland's capital city of ponytown, or whatever the thing was called, his only dream consisted of finding a pony to suck (that's what we do, right?). Changeling drones normally don't own anything, nor are they allowed to take love on their own from captured prisoners, that is for infiltrators or warriors (smug buggers). Anyway, a drone's job is to do what it's told. So, this little guy ended up in a much unwanted position of leadership.

How? Well, it started like this...

(A story comprised of mostly dialogue and minimalistic descriptions. Suggestions or constructive criticism is always welcome.)

Chapters (22)
Comments ( 80 )

An interesting concept. Though I must ask, what is the point of cutting out most of the description? It takes away from the flow and makes it more difficult to tell what is happening. It might be possible to make it work in spite of that, but but it will be extremely difficult. Watched for now.

It's more about putting in the proper amount of description. I think I've been overdoing it a lot recently. It is prone to change if current state proves insufficient.

Ooh... another one of these... I'll have to read it later, but I'm excited.

Less biting sarcasm, more stuff happening, but I'll try to keep it light.

Well... the mouth is probably better than the other hole he could've shoved it into... that brings up some weird mental imagery.

I know, it would be really hard to fit quarter of a broken spear into a nostril.

“I have seven hoofsies now, and one of them glows.”

I hearby dub this Drone, 'Charly'.


Well he can't be Algernon, he dies by the end and if '3 with 5 somethings after it' dies I think I might actually cry.



We must all die at some point, but to die all too young and still innocent is bittersweet.

By this logic I hope '3 with 5 somethings after it' is immortal while retaining his innocent naievety.


“Alright, we’ll sort that out later. Let’s get ou-OW!”

“Does your hoof still hurt?”

“No, I like randomly screaming in pain. It helps me deal with the unexpected loss of everything I’ve ever known.”

“Cool, should I try?”

Hey, I do that too... it's a lot of fun to do in the middle of public streets, or next to people's ears.

Welp... they're screwed. Unless... she turns out to be disgruntled and has summarily run out of fucks to give, like such:
because then they'd have what looks to be a possibly interesting ally in their survival-ish thing.

Totally not the only type of a female character I can write - a dominating, deep down loving, weird fetish enjoying mare.

Definitely not -Choking, Joy, Fury, Palisade, Scream, Anvil, Contradiction, Flora- damn it!

I really need to learn to write a different kind.

nah, these guys work perfectly fine. Though, I suppose, if this is, as you say, an attempt to improve your writing, you could try your hand at a different type of character.

I am halfway convinced that Boss's dialogue will soon consist of nothing but the word "what", spoken at an increasing tempo and volume.

Is that strictly a bad thing?

"Wat wat... wat... wat. Wat wat... wat... wat..."

"I'm gonna pop some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket."



"What's going on!?!"

"And I said, heyahheyahah"

Well... this got... very anti-climactic.
I was hoping for an epic, 'Meh, I'm just gonna walk away and let you die while I nervously stare over my shoulder' scene. But this works too.

My stories are very carefully and meticulously constructed, slightly addictive, crippling boredom.

 I can see into this idiot’s head and I could build a golf course in there.

I've been temped to do that once or twice... well, make their head a part of a golf course. Or maybe just put a golfball through their head. In any case, as expected, Number Eight is a total asshat, the drone is a moron and the King is just special. Fun fun.

Everyone just wants to survive in the best way they know how.

So... did Chrysalis lose herself to the Hivemind, or did she poison it with her thoughts of conquest?

Where would be the fun in answering it now? But yes, you got one important question down.


Well the Hivemind looks to be a psychic gestalt, at least partially built out of the instincts, desires, memories, and knowledge of all living, and dead, Changelings.

The problem with these things is that they are as malleable as the minds that they are enscribed on.

With the comment that "Eight" made about Changelings once having a culture, it sounds like Chrysalis (or a previous Queen) poisoned the whole thing into a reinforcement of predatory instincts by forcing the hive as a whole to focus on how starving they were, how much the other species had and didn't deserve, how superior the Changelings were.

That's my guess and justification at least.

If you're more familiar with my library, then I can give some clues which will otherwise make no sense.
1) Horatio Cross' recount of history given to Cromach.
2) Blazing Light's time escorting Chrysalis through the Everfree forest.
3) Scream's story on the origin of changelings.

If not, then you can just wait for the story to unfold. Maybe it'll be good enough to keep your interest for some time even despite the slow updates.

So is she getting off on the sarcasm, or the being dominated (metaphorically and literally)?

Next chapter. I just hope I'm not going too far with the erotic undertones... and overtones... and my general subtlety level of a hammer to the face.

*stares at the chapter*




I'll have what she's having.

It wouldn't be a story of mine if it didn't have some depression and at least one horribly sexually fucked up character. This time the roll hit a changeling with submission, mind control, and mind breaking plus being rebuilt into a perfect slave fetish.

Compared to Corrupted Lands, I'm thinking it's still tame. :trixieshiftright:

I feel like i just got blue-balled

I've honestly got no idea what to say to that.

Comment posted by valpro deleted Oct 31st, 2017

Unlike all of you, I’m still alive.

One of the best comebacks I've seen in a long time.

Note to self - do a one-shot where Half-hearted Fury and Eight meet. :moustache:

Looks at Ten's rant about the nobility.

Is there a changeling older than a week without issues?

Is there a changeling YOUNGER than a week without issues? :rainbowlaugh:


I don't know, that was a legitimate question.

Boss is a cynical mess with voices in his head.

Eight is... well let's not get into the particular mess of fetishes.

Ten is apparently Cuckoo for the crazy taste of unsullied noble flesh/love.

Honestly the only changeling without issues seems to be Three, and he's either a pure-hearted idiot or Chrysalis in disguise. (That second one is a bit out there, but plans within plans)

Ten is just power hungry, that's pretty normal for an infiltrator, and nobility is the easiest way. The King is an unfortunate victim of the hive mind with healthy suspicions about other changelings. Eight... is Eight, but serious when she needs to be. Three is either basically just brain damaged by forced quick development with little to no love right before the invasion... or Chrysalis in disguise ("Hard To Find The Right Words" *cough* *cough*).

I mean, everyone is screwed up inside in some way... or is that just me? :twilightblush:

Come to think of it, the only barely well-adjusted character I've ever written was... Void, maybe?

Got a typo

“I suppose the Mayor,” Eight raises na eyebrow, “Why?”

Should probably be "an eyebrow"

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