They were well-known, even infamous, one might say. They were the hope and dread of small businesses and starting up ventures in Las Pegasus. The three of them held the power to ruin dreams or make them come true with only few written words.
Sharp Tongue, a white unicorn in his forties with black mane, tail, and a stubby goatee whose narrowed eyes scanned every detail of the freshly painted facade of the previously haunted house. In his wide-brimmed hat and a trench coat he looked as if he was getting ready for a burglary.
“Is this the right place?” he ticked something off on the notepad hovering in front of him, “The haunted house that was here before was an utter failure, but at least it didn’t look like an apartment building with stunted growth.”
Scathing Review, the second critic, was a young, blue, brown-maned pegasus wearing an orange sweater. Well, young at least in comparison to others. In the recent part of his twenty-three years, he’d earned a reputation for brutally pointing out every mistake his victims, the new attractions, made.
“Grey house, brown door. Couldn’t get more unremarkable if they tried,” he sneered.
Firm Fair, the only mare in the group as well as an earthpony, knocked on the door immediately. Her coat was brown, heavily contrasting with her platinum mane. Like Sharp Tongue, she was in her early forties, but unlike the fragile unicorn, she was an earthpony who prided herself on her shape for her age. After all, how would she judge the effort of others if she didn’t put any into herself?
“It does look unimpressive, definitely, but I’d like to give them the benefit of the doubt first. Their shtick is supposed to be a changeling operation hidden in Las Pegasus. They couldn’t simply write that above the door in bold letters, could they?”
They were… the critics.
Sharp Tongue and Scathing Review exchanged glances, and their hesitant nod said everything it needed. Firm Fair had raised a valid point, but the city newbies usually hadn’t thought about these details according to their vast experience.
The door was opened by a light blue unicorn mare who couldn’t even be twenty. She gave them a puzzled stare before looking as if she suddenly realized something important.
“Oooh, you’re the visitors. Right, right,” she ushered them inside into a carpeted hallway painted in warm shades of brown and wine red and scarcely lit by electric lamps shaped like torches by each inside door frame. With a flick of the unicorn’s horn, the main entrance shut behind the Firm Fair, somehow blocking all outside noise, and thus plunging the group into eerie silence, “Toilets are the first door on the left, and the changing room is right next to it. You can leave your things in the lockers there. If you need anything, I’ll be right here,” she walked behind a desk in an alcove right by the entrance, and sat down to some open book.
The changing space was a simple, narrow, oblong, white room with ten lockers on one side and two long benches on the other. Firm Fair wasn’t wearing anything, so she quickly tossed her saddlebag to the nearest locker, keeping only a notepad and a pen both hanging on a string around her neck.
“Nature calls,” she said, darting outside. Furrowing her brows, she noticed the receptionist wasn’t at her desk, and that the heavy locks on the main door were all locked. Shiver ran down her spine when a small part of her allowed itself to believe that all this could just have been a clever changeling trap. After all, nopony would believe any changelings to be stupid enough to do something like this, something completely in the open. Her critic part, however, was quickly adding points to the establishment. If she was to be honest with herself, she couldn’t wait for whatever came next, as the details were gripping already.
After doing her business in the bathroom, Firm Fair was washing her hooves and saw a reflection of the receptionist in the mirror above the sink. The reflection stopped, licked her lips, and stared.
“Can I h-” Firm Fair turned around. There was nopony there, making the earthpony raise an eyebrow, “Magic, eh?” Attractions normally employed unicorns to add some flair, so she wasn’t overly disturbed by-
When she turned back to the mirror, the receptionist was still there, winked at her, and blew her a kiss. Firm Fair chuckled.
Her grin froze in the next second when she heard in her ear:
“Such a strong earthpony. We’ll make you into the perfect broodmare.”
She turned around, saw a mouth full of fangs with a pair of bright blue eyes above it, and then everything went dark.
***
Scathing Review’s eyes opened up on cue as a different part of him caught the sound of echoing hoofsteps.
“Mmmph!” he tried to scream through something completely covering his muzzle aside from his nostrils when faced with strange dark green eyes open wide and watching him.
“Of course the young and vigorous one would wake up first,” chuckled the definitely very female changeling to whom the eyes belonged. Yes, yes, eyes. Review’s gaze definitely wasn’t slipping all over her perfectly sculpted chitin to the wide hips and toned hind thighs the changeling was presenting by leaning her head towards him tied on the ground with her hind legs pushing her backside up into the air, “and judging by the way you’re looking at me, you wouldn’t be averse to some proper feeding, hmm? Young lust is so delicious.”
“Mhmmm?” Review’s confused and completely lost objection was fighting a losing battle when the changeling turned around and flicked his head with her tail, giving him a teasing eyeful.
“Or maybe I’ll let you stew a bit. Once you’re so full of lust that you’re about to pop, then I’ll have a nibble or… a suck.”
Review struggled against his bonds as well as against his barely responsive body. He recalled putting his belonging into a locker while keeping his notepad on his person, then Firm Fair went outside, some hot pegasus mare came in, and then… he was here. Thanks to his normally blunt and, even he had to admit, downright grating attitude as well as unremarkable looks he wasn’t exactly a coltfriend material, and despite the alien feel of the changeling she definitely had all the right proportions and parts to make his blood boil, especially her mention of sucking.
However, he considered himself a young professional, if nothing else, and he had a job to do. This was an attraction… it had to be. No changelings would be stupid enough to advertise their plan and location in the freaking newbie examination forms. With his body gradually starting to listen to him again, he struggled against his bonds. His muzzle was full of-
He squinted, his stomach revolving.
-some green gel. The same substance was gluing his hooves to the ground and tying his wings to his barrel like a belt. He tried sucking on the minty-tasting mass in his mouth which gave in a little, and a quick push with his hind leg proved that the gel or goo wasn’t too tough. However, he froze completely and his mind went blank when he spotted a drip of what had to be the same goo, although still less solid, flowing down the inner side of the changeling’s hind thigh.
“Now now, even the unicorn is up,” she leaned down to Sharp Tongue, her pose giving Scathing Review more and more reasons to consider being changeling food forever a good idea, “You unicorns are always trouble, hence this,” she poked the goo covering his horn. With a quick lick, she made the Sharp Tongue’s gag disappear, “I’m more hunter than a farmer, but Scathing Review over there with his lack of luck regarding mares will be ripe in few days on his own. You, on the other hole, aren’t as useful. Your family, though, mister Sharp Tongue, is a different story,” in a burst of green fire, she transformed into Sharp Tongue, her/his pose immediately making Review turn his head away.
“If you think basic illusion magic and tying your customers up is a good way to achieve positive ratings then you’re wrong,” the unicorn returned his own annoyed glare, “and give me back my notepad!”
“Oh my, you fell for it hook, line, and sinker,” the changeling shapeshifted into herself again, “Your daughter, Summer Daze, likes lemon ice cream and spending time with you playing durak, a card game from Stalliongrad rarely played in central or southern Equestria. What a delicious filly, such love for her dad. Your wife, Greenhouse, is a little peeved with you regarding a patch of magnolias you accidentally stepped into last week after an evening out drinking with your friends. Don’t worry, whomever our King sends after them will make sure to apologize properly, cultivate your family’s love for you, and then feast on them as long as they can last.”
Sharp Tongue froze. Nopony should know that sort of details. They can’t have contacted his family, there was no way that some new operation coming to Las Pegasus could perform a check this thorough in such short time.
However, he’d heard something about changelings being able to tamper with pony minds.
“Disappearing ponies won’t go unnoticed!” scowled Sharp Tongue.
“Correct!” the changeling beamed at him happily, “But none of you three will disappear, won't you? Sharp Tongue will return as a better husband and father. Scathing Review will come back with an excellent story about our establishment, annoying as ever, but maybe a little more famous and friendly to his few fans who want to get more… intimate. And Firm Fair does have a family to deal with too. The fact that she’ll likely be the first broodmare of the changeling who’s going to take her place is just an added hilarious bonus,” she nodded towards a green cocoon hanging from the ceiling nearby.
“You… I’ll… we’ll...” Sharp Tongue pushed against his bonds with all his might to no avail.
“You’re in a tunnel complex under Las Pegasus, there’s no way you’re getting out. Now, all this talking has made me a bit peckish,” she walked over to Review, and licked the side of his muzzle, inadvertently melting a little bit off of the gag. The young stallion himself felt as if something deep within was being sucked away, immediately replaced by a strange chill. The changeling moaned, winked at him, and rubbed her plot, “There are much better ways we can feed from you, but this will have to suffice for now. Don’t worry, soon you’ll have this for as long as you want, and once you get a taste, you’ll forget about everything else.”
A growl from Sharp Tongue made her look up and show him her sharp fangs before going still as if she was listening to something.
“Hmm… more visitors?” she muttered to herself before frowning and trotting away into one of the several tunnels.
Finally in peace and awake, Sharp Tongue came to a very important conclusion which was that his constant squirming and pushing was making the bonds around his fetlocks loose. Judging by the nod Review exchanged with him as he tried to free himself over and over, his attempt was working as well.
The longest minute or two in their lives later, both of them managed to stand up, and Sharp Tongue pulled the goop off of Review’s mouth. They allowed each other a victorious smile before trying to release Review’s wings and Tongue’s horn, and failing miserably. No matter what, that specific gel wouldn’t budge.
“Hmm, looks like the changelings did a good job sealing our magic and flight, but didn’t bother securing our legs,” the older unicorn analyzed the situation.
“Can’t blame them, I can barely see here, and what I see I don’t like,” Review tried to stop his voice from shaking, “There are no markings, no signs for the tunnels. Who knows how deep under Las Pegasus we are? Who knows if we’re even still in Las Pegasus? What if-”
“Calm down,” Tongue looked around, his eyes getting used to the dim green shimmer coming from faintly glowing crystals set in the walls. What Review had said wasn’t exactly correct. While the tunnels weren’t marked in any way he could recognize, there was a thick stalagmite in the middle of the cavern holding four crystals. Sharp Tongue walked over to it, and poked one crystal from all sides, “We could make something we recognize,” with some pressure, the crystal gave in, leaving an imprint of his hoof on its surface, “These things are made from the goo too.”
“Huh...” Review walked over to the nearest wall, and pulled a crystal out. It kept glowing in his mouth. He shuddered at the idea of the changeling… making all these, and it wasn’t entirely out of disgust. With the added light, he rushed over to the cocoon nearest to where they’d been ‘tied up’, and recognized Firm Fair’s body floating in some sort of gel head down. A careful prod revealed the cocoon to be rather soft, “Hey, Tongue, help me over here. I break the thing and you catch Firm. On three. One, two, three!”
The older unicorn wasn’t built to catch an earthpony, even a mare, as well as a small waterfall of slime coming along with her from the bottom of the broken cocoon, so he did his best to cushion Firm Fair’s short drop, much to Review’s snickering.
Firm Fair began coughing immediately, awake and gooped.
Sharp Tongue got up, covered Firm’s mouth to quieten her sputtering down a little, and listened to what had put him on edge.
Buzzing.
Very quiet hoofsteps and buzzing. Somepony had to be coming to check up on them.
“Quick,” he whispered, “Fair, we’re-”
“Imprisoned by changelings, I know,” the mare wiped her muzzle, “Ewww!”
“Just be happy you don’t know where the goo came from...” muttered Review.
“FOCUS!” hissed Tongue, “Fair, are you okay?”
“One of them got me in the bathroom,” she touched her neck, wincing as she got to a small bite mark there, “I’m as okay as I can be considering they went for my throat. Where are we?”
Review shared everything they’d heard from the changeling mare, and what they discovered until now.
“Smart way to lure ponies in, to be honest,” Firm Fair frowned, “And if they make us give this place a good review, then more victims will come in voluntarily,” she looked up at more green cocoons hanging from the ceiling out of reach without wings or magic, “You know, I read something about a town recently attacked by changelings… do you think those are… ponies?”
“Look, we have to warn somepony,” Tongue nodded to the ceiling cocoons, “We can’t get up there, but we can get to the authorities… maybe. There can’t be too many of the changelings, otherwise they’d have stationed a permanent guard in this room-”
More buzzing and hoofsteps were coming from one tunnel, finally making them rush into the opposite one.
“-or maybe we just caught the shift change. Move!”
Tiphoofing through the green gloom, they couldn’t shake off the feeling of somepony or something watching their every step. The not so distant buzzing of wings and likely changelings stayed with them, and they weren’t getting rid of the hoofsteps which had originally forced them to flee. Sound travelled weird through the underground tunnels, and after less than a minute the critics had no idea whether they were getting away from them or running straight towards some incoming patrol.
Soon, they arrived in another cavern, this one with a narrower stalagmite in the middle able to fit only three illuminating crystals.
“This cave does look different,” whispered Sharp Tongue, nodding to the central outcropping of stone, “Firm Fair, can you feel if the ground is sloping upwards or something?”
The mare pursed her lips, tapping on the uneven flooring.
“I’m an earthpony, not a dwarf pony,” she frowned, “but I think we’ve walked upwards a little.”
“Good, the house must be connected-”
Slow clapping interrupted the hushed conversation, followed by hoofsteps coming out of the mouth of the tunnel across the cavern from the critics.
“Smart ponies,” a thin female changeling of Review’s unimpressive size stepped out of the darkness, her chitin shifting from some sort of grainy see-through camouflage into standard black, and grew razor sharp claws on her forelegs, “Next time I’ll tell those idiot guards to cut your limbs off first. This isn’t a tourist attraction.”
“Technically-” Scathing Review’s raised foreleg got hit by a green glob of spit immediately and as soon as he put it on the ground it got stuck.
“You were saying?” the changeling advanced on the trio.
Sharp Tongue tried to use at least a light spell to temporarily blind the creature until sweat formed on his brow, but his horn encased in the green substance failed to as much as spark. Firm Fair charged, though, eyes locked on the enemy. The yoga classes proved immeasurably useful as a quick bend sideways allowed her to dodge another glob of immobilizing spit without slowing down…
...then the changeling simply tripped her, suddenly growing in size and gaining reach. One spit later, Sharp Tongue’s foreleg was stuck to the ground as well, and the bugpony stood victoriously with his fetlock on Firm Fair’s back.
“Now back to the cocoons with-” sudden sounds of multiple hoofsteps coming from the tunnel she’d arrived through made her turn her head, “What the-?”
A blast of golden light blinded everyone for a second, and when Firm Fair blinked away the tears she realized she could stand up again. The changeling was lying under the central stalagmite, groaning with her back chitin cracked.
“No one harms my little ponies,” said a voice Firm Fair had never heard before anywhere other than from the radio.
“Your Highness?!” Sharp Tongue gasped.
Princess Celestia, in all her glory, stood before them wearing a white armor with golden trimmings which looked like griffon heads for some reason. By her sides were two big unicorns, one levitating a big sword crossed with a chainsaw, and one a sleek metal tube no- twin tubes with a wooden handle curving down on one end.
The paladin with the chain sword, his or her features completely obstructed by the heavy suit of plate mail walked over-
“Let me sort this out,” a deep male voice calmed Firm Fair and the others down while Review watched everyone with narrowed eyes.
-and with a quick flick of his horn he allowed Tongue and Review’s forelegs to move again.
“What’s going on here? You, your Highness, in person…?” the oldest critic asked, slightly in loss for words. His eyes darted from the smoldering changeling on the ground to the princess.
“These changelings are responsible for the recent disturbance in Canterlot. They must have hidden in the mountain mines after we repelled the main invasion force. My paladins have been looking for them for a long time, and we’ve finally tracked them here to Las Pegasus. I have no idea how they managed to mine so much space in such short time, but you’re lucky we found you.”
Sharp Tongue narrowed his eyes. This felt real, the paladins felt real, the princess definitely felt real, but a lingering thought returned - wasn’t it all just a performance?
“How can we believe you’re the real princess and not another changeling in disguise?” he asked with care. If this really was just a performance, and he couldn’t be sure at this point, then suspension of disbelief was vital, but if they really fell for a changeling ploy then anything he’d say would just be wasting time.
The princess sighed.
“You can’t, as much as I want to tell you otherwise. We’ve devised an experimental spell to return changelings into their original forms, but there’s no time to teach you, and anything I would do might seem only as coloured lights to you. Look, changelings don’t need money, they need love and… lust. You came here for free or for cheap, I suppose, right?”
“We’re critics, we’re supposed to evaluate this new… attraction.”
With a nod, Celestia frowned.
“They would take ponies with families,” her eyes stopped on Sharp Tongue and Firm Fair before moving to Scathing Review, “or those full of vigor.”
Sharp Tongue wanted to probe further, but a thought seemingly out of nowhere crept forward in his head. An image as if from outside, and yet managing to capture all his fears. His wife kissing a black, chitinous monster with the same comforting look she gave him whenever he returned home exhausted.
His stomach revolved, and as he saw the dread etched on Firm Fair’s face he quickly realized he wasn’t alone.
“Have you seen any more ponies around?” Celestia continued, “We need to save whomever we can. I don’t know how many changelings are around, but it can’t be much. We’ve fought our way through several, but their leader hasn’t shown up yet.”
“There was no need to take risks after your guards and paladins failed repeatedly,” announced a new voice coming from a side tunnel, revealing a pair of changelings - a dark blue maned male with a small crown ornament on his head, and a larger, fit and toned female with red wine-coloured mane, tail, and additional belly armor. The male continued, “especially when I knew we’d get you to come here at some point.”
The princess and the paladins positioned themselves between the critics and who either had to be the changeling leader or someone with weird taste in headgear.
“You… this time I won’t let you escape like in Canterlot or the old castle,” growled Celestia, summoning a heavy halberd out of nowhere, “I will make sure you never harm any of my little ponies again!”