• Member Since 20th Jan, 2017
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

frenettek314


Hoping to become a future writer/animator :)

E

After Scootaloo is revealed to be living in the CMC Clubhouse on Sweet Apple Acres by Rainbow Dash, She and Fluttershy decide to take the filly into their home. As the new family learns more and more about each other, they will form a bond that can never be separated. ( More chapters will be updated in the future.)

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 36 )

Don't take this as an insult, Please, cause so far I like the set up. But it feels like you're rushing into it a bit. For example, the setup for Rd's and Flutter's relationship was brief and felt a bit forced. All we really got was that Rd asked out Flutters and that was it. The storm wasn't built up either, just kind of thrown in, the same goes for the conversation about Scoot's parents and the subsequent flight to the clubhouse.

Try adding more detail in situations, like other than sitting at the fire resting cozily, try describing their emotions at the time, how they feel lying next to each other. It's supposed to be winter so tell if they are cuddling or not, with Rainbow's wing draped over Flutter's, or a warm blanket cloaked over the two while they're drinking tea or hot chocolate. Have the Conversation going, but let it be more about their own lives and slowly work into a shift in topic. Say have something that reminds Rainbow of Scoots, perhaps a gift that Scoots had given her earlier that day, or RD telling of a gift that SHE planned on giving her friends, including Scoots, Followed with Flutter's asking how the Squirt has been. Then lead the topic toward parents and the like.

As for the Flight to the Clubhouse, it was far to brief, a Flight across Ponyville should never be cut short for reasons of the plot, it takes far too much from the story and characterization. Maybe have her get the excuse to go visit Twilight for some more Tea that Fluttershy likes, and as she visits Twi, have Twilight say something that would concern her about the CMC, Scoots in particular, that would make her more worried, added to the worry that would have been built up from her talk with Flutter's, and would encourage her to go check on Scoots. I understand that you wanted to have a show of the CMC while RD is on the way, and that's perfectly fine, Expected even. However, lines like

All of a sudden, the three young fillies heard a sonic burst of sound and light coming rapidly towards the treehouse, the three instantly recognizing at as the flying of the town weatherpony, Rainbow Dash. Scootaloo was easily the most excited to see Rainbow Dash as she cast a grin the size of a mountain as Rainbow Dash approached the trio.

" Rainbow Dash!!!" the orange Pegasus exclaimed. " What are you doing here?"

This leaves little to the imagination other than , " Here are the CMC, and Suddenly Rainbow Dash."
The first error here is that you never said if the CMC were Inside the clubhouse or not, however it is implied later when Scoots is crying on the floor. The second Error is that you never say when or how Rainbow appears, other than a sonic rainboom and suddenly she's talking to them after a brief moment of adoration from Scoots. In this situation you would describe her knocking on the door at least, and the CMC opening it to find her on the other side. Another is the amount of time that has passed, We know RD is fast, it's a given fact, but we also known that Ponyville isn't as small as it seems. Plus I highly doubt Rainbow is gonna Sonic Rainboom her way across town simply because she can. It's been shown that the Sonic Rainboom is reserved for certain occasions, and that she shouldn't do it on a whim. The Sonic Rainboom is brilliant and amazing, but one aspect I see many writer's forget is that it is also destructive. The force of it is able to blow other clouds out of the sky, clearing away weather that has been strategically placed by other ponies, erasing their hard work. It can also shatter stone as we've seen the Cutie Mark Chronicles ark, now imagine her doing it directly over the village? Not a single window would survive, even less so the resident's eardrums who aren't prepared for it. In all the time's we've seen RD use it, she always did it a fair distance away from others.

Next is basically the whole last bit of the story, I just don't feel that the conversation went how it should have gone, and there wasn't even half as much emotion to it as there should be in a situation like this.
Imagine if you were Scoots, fighting so hard to keep that she has been living on her own for years possibly, a secret to all, even her best friends and Idol. She would NOT in ANY sense be willing to share this information so willingly. In fact, from what we know of Scoots, if pressured in just the way she is here, she would have taken the first Out possible, which would have been to brush past them all and run for it, hide, and think of an excuse to tell them later. Which in this situation would lead to having Rainbow chase her, possibly right as the Snow storm has started up, However because of the storm, she has to turn back and make sure the other two fillies make it home safely, while collecting their sister's, Aj and Rarity, to assist in the Search for Scoots. This would eventually end with all of the mane 6 out looking for her, but it being either Rainbow or Fluttershy who finds her hiding away somewhere.
From here you have the conversation that could make or break the story as a whole, finding a way to keep Scoots from running off again, AND having her talk about her problems. She's a stubborn character, so having her just give up the answers isn't going to work.

This scene, and the one in the clubhouse, should both be felt emotionally, however this particular scene should be the most powerful.

I hope this helps. I'm not trying to write the Story for you, nor am I telling you how it should be written, I'm merely trying to help give tips that could improve your writing for future readers.

Overall I think you have a really decent setup, you just need to slow down a bit and put more into the characters, the emotions, and the scenery.

8258896
You're right. I was really trying to slow it down compared to my first stories, which I did but it still wasn't enough to justify the emotions. I need to go into emotions a lot more than I did. What I really want to do is use this chapter more as a serious prologue for setup and then use future chapters to go into a more comedic slice of life theme. Thank you for the advice though, I do like writing emotions just haven't had a lot of experience writing. You should totally write this story though, you'd probably blow me out of the water. Lol.

8259557
No no, this is YOUR Story to tell, I'm just here to offer some advice from time to time. You're doing great so far, so don't get discouraged :twilightsmile:

It's not just Rainbow and Fluttershy but the CMC, rest of the Mane 7, Spike, Fluttershy's parents and Rainbow Dash's Parents, and Tank.

8260344
Thank You. Let me just say the world would be a much better place if everyone was as encouraging as you. 😀

8260893
Aww, thank you, I'm always happy to help :twilightblush:

I'd make a comment about ScootaBelle but its way too early to think about that...

Good chapter though.

First Dislike. Someone hates the third chapter. 😱😱😢

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are not the only mare couple in Ponyville.

8320753
The point was Diamond Tiara is an ignorant idiot.

" I DON'T EVEN HAVE PARENTS!!! I'VE BEEN AN ORPHAN ALL MY LIFE!!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!?!?!? HAPPY TO KNOW NO PONY HAS EVER LOVED ME!!! CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Scootaloo

Shameless has already dealt with the emotions and pacing issues, which I agree with, so I won't repeat them. I noticed in a few places you leave a gap between the first speech mark and the first word. Plus, you really do only need one punctuation mark, such as !. The exception is the interrobang, a combination of the ! and ? but then, only one is needed.

Wow. Fluttershy accepted that arrangement pretty quick, didn't she? I mean, I know she's kind, but even so, there was no debate or anything when somepony else bought a filly into her house and said, "She's living here now, deal with it."

8379155
It's wierd I know, but I saw Fluttershy as to accepting it quickly on the grounds that it's Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash wouldn't bring any filly to their home. :)

8379130
Yeah, I tend to overdo it on punctuation. My apologies.

I know Scootaloo has met Rainbow Dash's parents but what about Fluttershy's?

This story is out-and-out beautiful!

Fantastic job! I enjoyed your choice to have Scootaloo give up on flying in exchange for her interest and talent in mechanics. It was different, but still feels realistic.

8634272
Thank You so much! Glad you are enjoying it! :scootangel:

Very adorable, I certainly wasn't expecting Sweetie Belle to be Scoot's crush. Your grammar is well defined, and aside from some formatting issues there wasn't much I could honestly critique. Very good, very well written.

8651869
Thank you so much! Yeah, sorry about the formatting, I need to figure that out. The grammar comes easy to me, but the toughest part is the body of the story. I'll have an intro and a conclusion but will struggle with finding how long the chapter should be.

This was very fun to read and seeing Scootaloo have a crush was a very nice touch. This story is well written and I'm eager to see what creative ideas you will reveal to us in the future.

You writing is simplistic, but not in a way that any kind of deal breaker. I like the concept and even your execution, some of your scenes just need a little more subtilty. That and a few grammar corrections and eliminate some redundancy in the dialog and this will definitely be a story worth more then 11 likes, ( though I see you now have 20:raritywink: )

8674904
Awwww, shucks. I aim to get better in writing and dialogue. I wish they let you write scripts or screenplays on this site but oh well.:twilightsheepish:

8877274
It's so cute, it's like puppies and babies combined.

8877291 Yeah, its super adorable, I tend to include it in my fics whenever I can.

Ever heard of hysterical weddings?

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