Chapter 1: You Can't Do This On Your Own
Kindness and Loyalty
Written by: frenettek314
It was a glorious winter evening in the town of Ponyville. Most ponies were inside their cozy homes bundled up next to a cozy fire. Two pegasi in a cottage near the Everfree Forest were no exception. Sitting on a fluffy green sofa inside a wooden interior were two ponies who were best friends ever since their childhood days at pegasi flight school in Cloudsdale. The more extroverted Pegasus with the cyan coat and the prismatic mane was none other than the speed demon, Rainbow Dash. Bundled up next to her, was the more reserved and introverted of the two, Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were actually starting to become more than friends. It all started a year or so ago where Rainbow Dash nervously asked Fluttershy for a date; the pink-maned Pegasus was shocked to say the least as she never saw the usually confident mare to be so timid, nevertheless, Fluttershy accepted the request and the two besties turned lovers have been almost inseparable ever since.
Currently, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy resided in Fluttershy's living room right alongside the fire place and were discussing plans for tomorrow.
"I suppose I've got nothing to do tomorrow considering the big snow storm that's supposed to hit tonight. What about you, Dash?" Fluttershy kindly asked.
"Well...... the squirt has been wanting to do something with me, maybe we could hang out tomorrow." Rainbow Dash replied.
The "squirt" in question was Rainbow Dash's number one fan and "little sister" Scootaloo. Despite her inability to fly, Scootaloo was always optimistic and eager to dive out and explore the world. Rainbow Dash admired her eager attitude and as such was always willing to spend time with the young filly as much as she could.
" Oh that's a lovely idea!" remarked Fluttershy. " Maybe you should let Scootaloo's parents know ahead of time due to the severe snowstorm that's headed for Ponyville tomorrow."
" Yeah! I should let them...." Rainbow Dash then suddenly paused as she thought to herself: 'Wait..... Have I ever met Scootaloo's parents? I never see them at any school events or anything......' Rainbow Dash's smile immediately faltered as she realized of the seeming absence of the young filly's parents. Fluttershy immediately recognized the change in Rainbow Dash's demeanor as she quickly tried to save face.
" I'm.... sure they just work a lot..." Fluttershy said with a hint of skepticism herself in her voice.
Rainbow Dash shrugged off her previous thoughts as her confidence grew back. " Yeah. I'm sure the squirt's still playing with her friends. I'll just walk her home and ask her parents then."
With that said, Rainbow Dash immediately flew out of the cozy cabin and headed for Sweet Apple Acres where Scootaloo and her friends were always seen doing some new crazy activity or whatnot.
Meanwhile at Sweet Apple Acres.......
Scootaloo and her two friends were sitting in the official CMC clubhouse discussing when they would meet next. There was the leader of the group, the confident, young cowpony named Apple Bloom, and the smart and talented unicorn by the name of Sweetie Belle.
All of a sudden, the three young fillies heard a sonic burst of sound and light coming rapidly towards the treehouse, the three instantly recognizing at as the flying of the town weatherpony, Rainbow Dash. Scootaloo was easily the most excited to see Rainbow Dash as she cast a grin the size of a mountain as Rainbow Dash approached the trio.
" Rainbow Dash!!!" the orange Pegasus exclaimed. " What are you doing here?"
" Well, seeing as there is a big snowstorm tomorrow and mostly everypony will be inside, I figured that we could take this opportunity to bond or whatever sappy ponies call it these days."
"That sounds awesome!!!!" the young filly spoke with glee.
"Great and seeing as it's already getting late, I figured I could walk you home to ask your parents for permission."
With that response from the cyan Pegasus, the treehouse came to an alarming silence as Scootaloo's wide-cast smile suddenly turned to a look of fear. Her eyes grew to the size of golf balls and she started stuttering to the notice of everypony else.
"M...my....parents??!" Scootaloo managed to get out with sweat dropping down her face.
Another huge pause came as everypony was curious as to why the young Pegasus hadn't come up with a more expected reply.
"Scoots.... ah you ok?" Apple Bloom asked with great concern to her friend's nervous-like state.
Scootaloo tried to save face as she tried to smile a believable smile, " Uh...yeah. You don't need to walk me home.... My parents will say yes no problem."
" Well, I would still like to ask and meet these ponies." Rainbow Dash quickly replied with a look of confusion, concern, and impatience.
" I'll ask for you. Honest, I'll head straight home."
" Scoots. I'm going to walk home with you. End of story."
The young unicorn attempted at easing the tension in the room. " It's ok, Scootaloo. Rainbow Dash just wants to ask your parents for permission, no big deal." Sweetie Belle spoke in a kind and nurturing tone.
Scootaloo grew angry with the fact that her friends were so persistent with her family life. "I said I'll ask!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!!!"
Rainbow Dash cast the filly stern glare in response to her sudden outburst. " Scoots. I'M TAKING YOU HOME NOW!!! END OF DISC-----"
" I DON'T EVEN HAVE PARENTS!!! I'VE BEEN AN ORPHAN ALL MY LIFE!!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!?!?!? HAPPY TO KNOW NO PONY HAS EVER LOVED ME!!! CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE NOW?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Scootaloo interrupted the rainbow-maned Pegasus with a mighty roar before bursting into tears on the clubhouse floor.
The three other ponies, Mare and Fillies alike sat there on their haunches in utter disbelief as to what they have just witnessed. Not a word was spoken for another ten minutes as even the usually confident Rainbow Dash sat there with a look of shock and sympathy in her eyes. Sweetie Belle was the first to speak with uncertainty in her voice, hoping what Scootaloo said wasn't true.
"Scoots.... What do you mean no parents???"
Scootaloo got up off the floor and spoke with tears in her eyes, " I never had parents. I lived in an orphanage until I ran away after becoming friends with you and moved into the clubhouse when we started inhabiting it."
Apple Bloom shook with distraught after hearing this, " You've....been living in this clubhouse.... ever since.... even in the winter??" she asked with incredulous disbelief.
Scootaloo nodded her head in shame. she wasn't proud of it but it's what kept her alive.
To the fillies' surprise. Rainbow Dash spoke in an unusually timid and fearful voice, one that showed she was quite upset which the Pegasus never liked to showcase in public.
"......w---why?? Why did you never tell me?? I could've helped you! You never had to be on your own! I could've...."
" Because I never wanted anyone to know. I figured you all wouldn't want anything to do with me if you found out." Scootaloo interrupted.
Rainbow Dash suddenly stomped her hoof on the clubhouse floor, " DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!!! I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL!!! NO PONY WOULD EVER ABANDON YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ORPHAN! SO STOP THINKING SUCH IDIOTIC THINGS!!" Rainbow exclaimed.
Scootaloo immediately flinched and Rainbow realized her tone was much louder than what she intended. Rainbow spoke from her emotions and forgot that Scootaloo needed comfort at that particular moment.
" Squirt..er.. Scoot, I want to help you, I promise. I was just angry that you would think I or your friends for that matter would betray you, We love you." Rainbow spoke in a motherly tone.
" We would never. Ah will always be here for ya." Apple Bloom assured
" You could've always lived with me and Rarity. She would've understood." Sweetie Belle agreed.
Rainbow smiled upon hearing the reassuring statements from Scootaloo's friends in an attempt to comfort you. Then Rainbow grew a serious expression as she realized what she needed to do. ' God bless this filly' she thought. ' How can she always be so cheerful and happy?' ' Well, regardless, That's all about to change.'
" Come on Scoots. I'm taking you home before the storm hits."
Scootaloo grew confused and the tears stopped to reply in confusion, " But, Rainbow, I just told you I don't have a family or a home."
Rainbow transformed into her usual self as she replied with a smirk, " Your NEW home. With me and Fluttershy. You'll have two ponies who'll love you very much and you'll never be alone. You can't....you don't have to do this on your own anymore."
Scootaloo immediately cast a smile that was just as big, if not bigger than the one that appeared before Rainbow showed up. " R...Really?"
" Of course. Fluttershy won't mind, I'm sure. Say goodbye to your friends for the night. You can all see each other after the storm is over." answered Rainbow Dash.
Scootaloo replied with a yawn and nodded, " Bye Girls."
As the two fillies watch the sister duo take off back to Fluttershy's cottage, they shared a warm smile as they knew Scootaloo would live much better than she has been.
" Good Night Scoots." both fillies replied in unison.
Stats
Page generated in 0.018 seconds
Total duration
1,071 users online
2,094,278 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Good start, I look forward to seeing more.
8258697
Thank You. You're too kind.
Don't take this as an insult, Please, cause so far I like the set up. But it feels like you're rushing into it a bit. For example, the setup for Rd's and Flutter's relationship was brief and felt a bit forced. All we really got was that Rd asked out Flutters and that was it. The storm wasn't built up either, just kind of thrown in, the same goes for the conversation about Scoot's parents and the subsequent flight to the clubhouse.
Try adding more detail in situations, like other than sitting at the fire resting cozily, try describing their emotions at the time, how they feel lying next to each other. It's supposed to be winter so tell if they are cuddling or not, with Rainbow's wing draped over Flutter's, or a warm blanket cloaked over the two while they're drinking tea or hot chocolate. Have the Conversation going, but let it be more about their own lives and slowly work into a shift in topic. Say have something that reminds Rainbow of Scoots, perhaps a gift that Scoots had given her earlier that day, or RD telling of a gift that SHE planned on giving her friends, including Scoots, Followed with Flutter's asking how the Squirt has been. Then lead the topic toward parents and the like.
As for the Flight to the Clubhouse, it was far to brief, a Flight across Ponyville should never be cut short for reasons of the plot, it takes far too much from the story and characterization. Maybe have her get the excuse to go visit Twilight for some more Tea that Fluttershy likes, and as she visits Twi, have Twilight say something that would concern her about the CMC, Scoots in particular, that would make her more worried, added to the worry that would have been built up from her talk with Flutter's, and would encourage her to go check on Scoots. I understand that you wanted to have a show of the CMC while RD is on the way, and that's perfectly fine, Expected even. However, lines like
This leaves little to the imagination other than , " Here are the CMC, and Suddenly Rainbow Dash."
The first error here is that you never said if the CMC were Inside the clubhouse or not, however it is implied later when Scoots is crying on the floor. The second Error is that you never say when or how Rainbow appears, other than a sonic rainboom and suddenly she's talking to them after a brief moment of adoration from Scoots. In this situation you would describe her knocking on the door at least, and the CMC opening it to find her on the other side. Another is the amount of time that has passed, We know RD is fast, it's a given fact, but we also known that Ponyville isn't as small as it seems. Plus I highly doubt Rainbow is gonna Sonic Rainboom her way across town simply because she can. It's been shown that the Sonic Rainboom is reserved for certain occasions, and that she shouldn't do it on a whim. The Sonic Rainboom is brilliant and amazing, but one aspect I see many writer's forget is that it is also destructive. The force of it is able to blow other clouds out of the sky, clearing away weather that has been strategically placed by other ponies, erasing their hard work. It can also shatter stone as we've seen the Cutie Mark Chronicles ark, now imagine her doing it directly over the village? Not a single window would survive, even less so the resident's eardrums who aren't prepared for it. In all the time's we've seen RD use it, she always did it a fair distance away from others.
Next is basically the whole last bit of the story, I just don't feel that the conversation went how it should have gone, and there wasn't even half as much emotion to it as there should be in a situation like this.
Imagine if you were Scoots, fighting so hard to keep that she has been living on her own for years possibly, a secret to all, even her best friends and Idol. She would NOT in ANY sense be willing to share this information so willingly. In fact, from what we know of Scoots, if pressured in just the way she is here, she would have taken the first Out possible, which would have been to brush past them all and run for it, hide, and think of an excuse to tell them later. Which in this situation would lead to having Rainbow chase her, possibly right as the Snow storm has started up, However because of the storm, she has to turn back and make sure the other two fillies make it home safely, while collecting their sister's, Aj and Rarity, to assist in the Search for Scoots. This would eventually end with all of the mane 6 out looking for her, but it being either Rainbow or Fluttershy who finds her hiding away somewhere.
From here you have the conversation that could make or break the story as a whole, finding a way to keep Scoots from running off again, AND having her talk about her problems. She's a stubborn character, so having her just give up the answers isn't going to work.
This scene, and the one in the clubhouse, should both be felt emotionally, however this particular scene should be the most powerful.
I hope this helps. I'm not trying to write the Story for you, nor am I telling you how it should be written, I'm merely trying to help give tips that could improve your writing for future readers.
Overall I think you have a really decent setup, you just need to slow down a bit and put more into the characters, the emotions, and the scenery.
8258896
You're right. I was really trying to slow it down compared to my first stories, which I did but it still wasn't enough to justify the emotions. I need to go into emotions a lot more than I did. What I really want to do is use this chapter more as a serious prologue for setup and then use future chapters to go into a more comedic slice of life theme. Thank you for the advice though, I do like writing emotions just haven't had a lot of experience writing. You should totally write this story though, you'd probably blow me out of the water. Lol.
8259557
No no, this is YOUR Story to tell, I'm just here to offer some advice from time to time. You're doing great so far, so don't get discouraged
It's not just Rainbow and Fluttershy but the CMC, rest of the Mane 7, Spike, Fluttershy's parents and Rainbow Dash's Parents, and Tank.
8260344
Thank You. Let me just say the world would be a much better place if everyone was as encouraging as you. 😀
8260893
Aww, thank you, I'm always happy to help
Shameless has already dealt with the emotions and pacing issues, which I agree with, so I won't repeat them. I noticed in a few places you leave a gap between the first speech mark and the first word. Plus, you really do only need one punctuation mark, such as !. The exception is the interrobang, a combination of the ! and ? but then, only one is needed.
8379130
Yeah, I tend to overdo it on punctuation. My apologies.
first chapter with some drama interesting