single I'm lonely I'm the wise kid who knows more than it appears life is hard very hard pain the only weakness I know is a broken heart
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this is the story of my oc WinterBorn and how became a prince and a Dj the first couple of chapter gonna be how became a prince the other will be how became a Dj and how he does both being a prince and a Dj at the same time .
and thanks for reading and i hope you enjoy it
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Oh my. So many run-on sentences. Would you like an editor?
hey if y'all wish go back and edit it I'm not the world greatest and i never tend to be
8155359 hey if if u want u may go and edit it
8155806 Okay, but... Fimfiction doesn't allow users to wait other uswrs' stories. You have to use Google docs for that.
8155804 This isn't how story editing on the site works. If anyone were able to edit anybody else's fix without any restrictions, than we'd surely lose many great stories to the trolls.
... Okay, now that I'm fully awake and I've reread it, I've come to realize that "you need an editor" is an understatement.
First off, fetch me a bulldozer.
Hand me my pencil.
Hold my scrap parts. We've got some rewriting to do.
8156071 Yeah. Seriously. Gary Stu much?
all y'all say bad thing and i delete the message cause honestly idc what y'all say on how bad it is and I'm being really nice about this but plz stuff on the ones who talk shit and for needing a rewriter i am working on that
8156224 I second that. Constructive criticism is important for improvement.
All right. Let's do this.
Howdy! Scribblestick here with some friendly writing advice. I'm not going to do any line-by-line proofreading, but I will try and address some over-arching ways you can improve your writing and make this the best story it can be.
Let's get started, shall we?
First, we're going to go to storytelling basics and look at your concept, which I would describe as follows:
Now, I want to make something clear upfront. I don't think this is a bad concept. However, it is a concept that has been done by many, many writers before you, and as such, there are certain stigmas and pitfalls associated with it—and I'm sorry to say you've run into quite a few of them. I'll address what I think are the three biggest ones, and try to offer suggestions for how to make your writing stronger.
1. Characterization
Are your characters engaging? Do they have clear strengths and weaknesses? Do they have clear goals and motivations?
We really need to tackle these questions on two separate fronts, once for Princess Luna and once for WinterBorn. With Luna, your most important resource will be the show itself. The advantage here is that she is an established character, so most of the above questions have been answered for you. We know who she is and what she stands for, and all you have to do is (literally) stick to the script.
As an original character, WinterBorn presents much more of a challenge to you as the writer, because the rest of us know nothing about him. If you haven't already, I strongly advise you take some time to write out his history and goals. This could include important events in his childhood or an outline of how he got to where he is at the start of the story. You also need to figure out his character strengths and weaknesses. Luna, for example, is loyal and kind, but she is also afraid of her past, and her stoic attitude sometimes comes off as distant.
Honestly, I don't think this will be an easy task for you. Judging by your screen name, I'm guessing WinterBorn is supposed to be a stand in for you, or else is just very near and dear to your heart. As such, I think you'll find it hard to give him any meaningful weaknesses, or put him in a bad situation. And believe me, I get it. The characters we create are, in a lot of ways, like children to us. But believe me when I say that if you don't give them weaknesses and failures, your readers simply won't appreciate him.
2. Pacing
Once you have good characters, you'll need a good story to put them in. Like I said earlier, I don't think your concept is bad, but I'm afraid you'll have to rethink your approach to make this story better.
This chapter is about 1,300 words long. That might seem like a lot, but it's not. At all. In this cramped space, we've already breezed through their first meeting, 10 months of dating and their marriage. This, on its own, could—should—be its own story.
As I mentioned above, your OCs are your creations, and I'm sure you love them very much. But to the rest of us, this is just some random pony we know nothing about. We have to get to know him before we care about him, and the only way we can do that is to see him in action. We have to see all of his conversations with those around him, and Luna in particular. We have to see his thoughts as he reacts to what happens to him. We have to see him make those tough choices, make mistakes, and yes, fail, before we can begin to care about him as much as you do.
That means you can't gloss over the journey of WinterBorn's relationship with Luna. You need to describe, in detail, that night at the Gala when he first laid eyes on the princess. You need to describe, in detail, what happened when he saw her crying in the tower. You need to describe the struggles he went through while training to be a guard, and how difficult it is for him to balance his guard duties, DJ responsibilities, and personal life. And yes, it needs to be difficult. I cannot stress this enough: Winterborn must make mistakes, and he must fail before he succeeds, and he must face hard questions that may not have a clear right answer. That is what makes us, your readers, care, and when we care, we'll be rooting for him to succeed.
Is that a lot of work? Yes. Absolutely. And frankly, I wouldn't blame you if you feel overwhelmed. I believe you can do it, but for a new writer, that task can look daunting. So my suggestion to you is to take it one chapter at a time. Pick one event I've mentioned above—say, seeing Luna for the first time. Write that as though it is its own story. That becomes your first chapter. Lengthwise, I generally shoot for 2,000 words, and that might be an easy way for you to quantify if you've really written enough about any given moment.
3. Grammar and stuff
Again, not going to do a line-by-line edit, but this is something you're going to have to work at. Readers here expect a solid grasp of the mechanics of writing, so when you're working with your proofreaders, be sure to find out the 'why' behind their suggestions. Then practice what you learn. Bit by bit, you'll get better.
That's all I have to say for now, and I hope you found it helpful. You might be off to a rough start now, but don't give up. Keep writing. Believe me, it's worth it.
Best of luck!
~Scribs
You do understand how hilariously ironic and contradictory this statement is, right?
8156342 TROLL ALERT!
8156345 Aw shee-it! My cover's blown!
8156386
Why so many deleted comments?
...
There's so many deleted comments I feel like someone should build a memorial.
8157174 A moment of silence for the fallen?
8157175
8157178 it's 10 hours that are still better spent then however many went into writing this.
8156086 I hate Gary Stu/Mary Sues so much. I looked for my comment but it vanished...deleting all bad comments? Really? That's how you learn as a writer, imo. People leave their advice, you take it. I understand if someone leaves a review saying some crap like "lol badz storiy u suk" or something, but a lot of the comment were actually helpful...
8158072 Yup. I've been sending PMs back and forth because they want me to rewrite and edit for them, and when comments were brought up they said they deleted the "bad ones" because they didn't care about them.
8158073 Again, wouldn't that be like getting something to eat because you're so full from dinner?
8158129 :P
honestly say what y'all want but i didn't make this story for any of y'all so plz go comment some were else or don't comment at all cause this was made for a friend who loved it and she didn't care so ever god damn body stfu
8158227 Ouch. Feisty.
8158227 Is that why you posted it online for everyone to read? Because it was meant for only one person?
Whatever you say, Mr. Gatsby.
8158227 You wrote this for a friend and she loved it? That's nice. However, posting this story here implies that you desire some attention for it, too, and it is simply unreasonable to expect only positive comments on your work.
If you really do not care about the reception of this story either way, then okay, we'll leave it at that and I'm sorry for bothering you.
But if your intention is to cultivate your own group of fans and readers, then take it from someone who's seen dozens and dozens of authors come and go over the course of five years: deleting comments and telling your detractors to shut up is one of the surest ways to destroy your writing career on Fimfiction. Trolls love harassing people with thin skin, and nobody likes a short-tempered host.
I know it sucks to have people bashing on your hard work, but learning how to take good and bad criticism with polite grace is going to be a very important skill if you want to publish your writing on websites like this. If a comment is useful, take notes. If it is praise, thank them. If it is unhelpful or plain nasty, then just ignore it. And remember, sometimes even nasty comments can give useful information for improving your work.
Also, one last tip: moderators can see what was originally said in deleted comments.
I wish you luck with your future endeavours.
Deleting comments is only getting you more hate. It shows that you can't take criticism.
What I suggest is that you rewrite it all, with the help of a few editors. There's no saving this story. The dislikes will drive people who could give it a shot away. You'll have to start out new.
8156190 if you didn't care you wouldn't have deleted the comments then would you
8158227 how old is your friend, because if she's like a child then she's probably not the best person to get a critical review from
Damn son. Reminds me when I started to first write! Ah, those stories!
Look, I admire the enthusiasm!
But let's face it. This has a few scary signs to it.
A Colt who was normal, had the princess 'magically' fall in love with him, he got all the subjects to love him when he became a prince, had his own castle?
Son, people are going to think that they have a GARY STU on their hands!
That's right.
A GARY STU.
So, like, I would
8187663 To be fair, upon rewriting I was told to stick as close as possible to the original plot, which was probably as stereotypical as a stereotypical Gary stu story could get, with practically no buildup whatsoever of the plot.
Also, redidted.
Redidted.
8188459 yes so if yall like go check out the real editor and savior of the story
8188543 No, what I mean is "Redidted" is most certainly not a word.
I'd suggest "Rewritten", as opposed to your mashing of the prefix, "Re", an apparent root word, "did", and a past tense suffix "-ed".
8189204 my mistake I as typing and didn't realise I type that wrong but he is right
8189234
Would you like for me to continue rewriting? You haven’t responded to any PMs lately.