Spider-Man has different counterparts in the vast multiverse. In one universe he is a troubled teen called Patton Parnell, in one universe he is a pig and in the MLP universe he is Peter Trotter, living in Manehattan who gets bitten by a lab spider, has his uncle killed which he blames himself for and is the vigilante Spider-Pony! Watch his amazing adventures as he fights crime and is in a pen pal dating relationship with Twiilght Sparkle.
Cover art is Homemade Spider-Man by deviantart user alvaxerox used with permission.
Chapters (1)
Oh my goodness. So that explains. Thanks for the credit.
If I took a shot every time I saw punctuation, I'd still end this chapter feeling sober.
Oof. Okay. You seem pretty young so I'm gonna try to be delicate about this but yeah, we got a lot of work to do here.
Story itself is okay for what it is but you seriously have to work on presentation and grammar. And, seriously, actual sentence structure.
This is just one giant run on sentence. Needs to be broken up so it reads better. Something like this:
Red is where punctuation really, really should be. Underlined means it shouldn't be there or should be in a different place. Like, if the time of day is important the best place you could put it is after "Manehattan, Equestria."
This what I mean by working on sentence structure because that is one awkward sentence. For starters, there's no such expression as "in hiding of the". Or for that matter "now taking place at the moment." That's totally redundant; if you tell us something is happening now then we already know it's taking place at the moment. So if that's the wording you wanna go with it should look more like;
That period at the end is important. (It could alternately be an exclamation point, but whatever.) But that entire sentence works better on it's own and straight up does not make sense just running into the next part. Besides just being incorrect, it looks like the narrative is rambling at best, which is presumably not what you're going for.
Same rules. So:
Red words are ones that are more accurate and make for a better sentence. Words that were deleted all together are unnecessary or just make for a clumsy sentence.
I could go on but this big enough as is. The other stuff you really need to watch? You have Peter's monologue happen right after that scene. That either should have come first or the entire story should be from Pete's perspective. It shouldn't be shoved in there.
Also, after that the entire thing is in italics. Which it really shouldn't be unless you're emphasising something or a character is thinking.
Same grammar and structure rules apply throughout the whole thing and you really need to watch your tenses. You jump back and forth between the past tense you want to use and present tense. One or the other, not both. This is really basic stuff.
8011356 fixed he italics and yeah grammar will never be my strong point and sorry I never know what people mean by run on sentences, it's jsut the way write
Thanks anyway and hope to get better and you can tell me what you think as I update
8011356 are you free to be a beta reader
8011372
Google them. If what you've written looks like those examples then fix them. As for grammar, at the very least you need to know when to end a sentence.
Sorry, but no. I'm trying hard to get on with my own story as it is.
8011379 thanks anyway