Ride the Pony, They Said
Sometimes after a bender, one woke up not sure what they did.
Gilda was almost that someone.
Pony and griffon anatomy was quite similar, but there were a few notable differences. In this situation, the most applicable was the comparative size of genitalia. A male pony was far more endowed than a male gryphon, meaning in turn that the a female gryphon was narrower than a female pony.
Meaning Gilda’s crotch felt like it had taken a battering ram.
As she groaned and curled into a fetal ball, a few motes of consciousness flitting into her mind, she was well aware of one thing - the day before she’d gotten drunk and fucked a stallion. She usually kept to mares, but she’d “gone for a ride” a few times before and knew how much today was going to suck - she’d be walking funny for a while. It didn’t help that it felt like someone had bitten her flank.
Rolling over and opening her eyes, she was thankful to find she was in the attic at the library. And she had her feathers. And the lampshade she’d chosen to wear before passing out was tasteful. And, there were no unconscious earth pony stallions about.
These things made her happy and reminded her of less successful benders.
She focused - what could she remember? Her last clear memories were of singing at a bar. That was not a good sign for how crazy the night had been. She knew she’d gone to see Fluttershy at some point...something about a hammer...the Diamond Dogs had shown up at some point...also, she remembered being covered in strudel.
Oh, wait, there was something taped to her beak.
Feeling numb as she was it had taken a while to sense the paper. Grabbing it she found it was in Ditzy’s writing and was a little love note saying she’d had fun the night before but had woken up early to go do her route. To Gilda’s confusion , Ditzy had reminded her to “keep an eye out for Hammers tooth and pay Fluttershy back for the thing”.
Gilda stood, wincing at the ping of pain, and moved to the window. There was a windmill in the center of town.
This was going to be a good day to lie low.
Heading downstairs, Gilda was greeted to the best smell anybirdy with a hangover could smell - bacon. The air was full of freshener to cover the scent, but the tantalizing smell was definitely there. Almost drifting through the air as the little pork particles enticed her, she headed for the kitchen, pausing as she passed by the library.
Twilight Sparkle and two Guardsponies were lying on the floor, unconscious.
She checked the Guardsponies wallets and scored a few bits.
Continuing to the kitchen she found Spike on a teetering pile of books, slaving over a large frying pan on the stove. He was drooling - and so was Gilda. The bacon he was frying smelled divine and he’d made a plate of it almost as large as he was.
“ Sup, lizard.” she said, getting his attention. His head snapped but his face relaxed when he saw it was her, not Twilight. “ Bacon?” she asked, gesturing to the overflowing plate.
“ Bacon.” he replied with a nod and a toothy smile.
“ Eggs?” she asked.
“ Eggs.” he answered, gesturing to another pan full of cooking scrambles with onions and green peppers.
“ ... beer?” she asked with a mote of uncertainty.
“...fridge?” said the little dragon, scratching his head and looking to the white box. Gilda walked over, stumbling a little, and opened it. Front and center was a bottle of the local breweries reserve, a note with a drawing of Ditzy and a little heart on it.
She teared up a little as she popped the top, threw it back, and began to dish herself up a delicious greasy breakfast.
For the first time in a while, Gilda was in a knitting mood.
This likely had something to do with the achey, hide-from-the-cops type situation she was in that day. In any event, as she lay down in the attic with several pinched balls of yarn - Spike kept a good stockpile - she set to work.
Today was the big day. She’d suffered enough the day before, in the cold wind and snow.
Today, she did gloves.
She started with the wrist section, which would be the easiest. First making a loop and building outwards, she stretched towards the claws slowly and carefully. She had to stop several times and remove entire lines but progress continued.
With occasional breaks to bat around the yarn balls.
Finally she came to the tricky part she’d dreaded - the claw holes. She had to build a number of tubes off the main one, something she’d never done before. She started with the little claw - big mistake. She then tried the index, as the central location was very important to the other claws. This proceeded better, at least until she tried the adjacent fingers - she kept pulling the yarns too tight.
She took a beer break, noting that the Guardsponies and Twilight Sparkle were still passed out.
Returning to work, she worked. And worked. And worked some more. The fingers on the glove fought her, her claws fought as she made mistake after mistake, but she progressed. She struggled. And, finally, after hours of work, she’d done it.
She had a glove.
She sat for almost a minute admiring the somewhat lumpy knittation. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it sucked. But she’d made it and by Discord, she now had something to protect her paws against the cold of the winter air - or a brew she’d let get too frosty.
Chest swelling with pride, she put it on her left forepaw.
She blinked. She looked at the glove again.
She was pretty sure she only had four claws. Why was there a fifth hole?
With a sigh, she set to fixing it.
It was dark by the time she finished the second, which was a far better build than her first one.
She’d gone outside and walked in the snow immediately, savoring the fact that her two gloved paws were quite warm. On her way back in she heard moaning from the library, where the unconscious ponies were stirring. Quickly hiding, she watched as the guards said something to Twilight and departed. As the purple unicorn turned, Gilda emerged from the stairs.
“ Uh, hey.” said Gilda awkwardly. Twilight winced. That wasn’t good. “ So, um, yeah. What’s, you know, up?”
“...uh, stuff.” said Twilight, blushing and looking away. “ Hows the, um, hangover?”
“...what’d I do?” asked Gilda, cringing and shutting her eyes.
“ Well, uh, you? Um, well, you...got in a fight and had sex with Fluttershy and Hammer and your marefriend, uh, ohmygod.” She ended beet red, gasping for breath. “ A-and! And, you w-w-were kinda attacked by Pinkie Pie. She’s, um, in jail at the moment.”
Gilda couldn’t help but perk her ears up, but she hid the smile.
“ S-so yeah.” finished Twilight Sparkle, trying not to look at Gilda. “ H-have you taken a shower today? No, go take a shower. And then make me a list of everything you’ve touched in here today.”
“ ... wait ...” said Gilda, blinking. “ Why?”
“ Well, um, Fluttershy...had a...kind of...spasm...”
“ I don’t want to know!” Gilda said quickly, turning and heading for the bathroom. She shook her head and let out a sigh - it was a good thing she’d be moving into her cave again tomorrow. It’d be a few days before the awkwardness would fade around Ponyville.
As she began to leave, Twilight gasped.
“ Uh! Um! Wait!” she shrieked. Gilda froze. What now? “ Y-y-you h-have...a...tooth. Embedded in your flank.”
Gilda stood still for several seconds. She reached a paw back to the bite on her flank that had been aching all day and felt for a moment - and there it was, a ponies tooth. She pulled it out with a little “eep!”
“...uh, I think I remember something about somepony losing this?” she said, blushing so hard she couldn’t look to Twilight.
“ I’ll..have Spike send it to Hammer.” said Twilight, levitating it from her with magic. “ Uh, please. Shower now.”
“ Got it.” said Gilda, glad to be leaving.
After a quick stop to see Ditzy, a brisk flight to the Everfree, and a gory devourment of a possum, Gilda saw her cave.
Her cave. How she’d missed it.
It looked as it always did, a hole in the side of a cliff face. But she spotted the Diamond Dogs - in new outfits, to her surprise - making their way up the trail and a flash of magic from Trixie's teleportation.
Landing, she enjoyed the softness of her four gloves and re-affixed the scarf Ditzy had loaned her around her neck - taking a quick wiff to get the mares scent. As she strode into her cave she was pleased to see it was looking decent enough - it was wider and a little rougher than she was used to, but it was hers.
The microwave was still there, perched on its boulder throne like a god, a pile of empty popcorn bags besides it.
“ Home sweet home.” she said, letting out a contented sigh.
As one of the Diamond Dogs walked past he let out a fart.
From the high entrance to Trixie's cave the sound of fireworks and boasting began as the unicorn practiced her routine, filling the cave with ash and insults.
And Steven Magnet popped his head in and began to titter and tatter about how they needed some throw rugs, a new kitchenette, and more natural lighting.
“ Home friggin home.” she muttered to herself, scowling and remembering why she’d hated this place.
FINALE! But not the end. I'll be staring a new storyline up to continue this.
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SUCCESS!!!!! im glad u didnt forget about steven magnets cunning plot to go shopping with the diamond dogs
This story was amazing. You are amazing. Do you feel amazing? Because you are amazing.
Your computer isn't, though. Kick it a couple times in the face for me. God damn do I know what that's like.
Up next, Guilda finds out she's late.
175570 I'd kick it but it, you know, melted. On the plus side, it was still under FULL WARRENTY! Thanks for all the commentaional support.
175588 ...hmmmmmmmmm....you know, I wasn't planning on that. But now I am very much considering it. Gilda vs. Pregnancy? Gilda vs. Abortion Protestors? Gilda vs. Scrambled Eggs?
175692
Melted? Holy shit. Maybe it was your fan or heat sink hitting the shitter.
Also, lolnope. Unless you go the weirder-than-shit "Pokemon breeding" route and have everything able to knock up anything. In which case, Gilda better start knitting baby sweaters.
175692
I wouldn't go as far as abortions or scrambled eggs, keep things on a happy or funny note. Heh, could you imagine Guilda having to go nine months without drinking? Also, could you imagine what a pony/griffin hybrid would look like? Wait, *remembers the hippogriff from Harry Potter*, never mind, I already got that imagery.
175741 I find abortions hilarious and trust me, I could write a funny abortion scene. IVE DONE IT BEFORE.
I did a little research and I found out that a Hippogriff is an actual mythical beast and not just something J.K. Rowling made up for her book. Get this, a hippogriff IS actually the offspring of a Gryphon and a horse, which would work perfectly in the world of MLP. Why has nobody thought of this before?
Source:
Wikipedia
176099 They have. But, as a Gilda fan, I probably see it more than, you know, normal bronies.
176066
I'm curious and terrified at the same time...
Aaaaaaand Gilda finally gets her gloves. And a refurbished dwelling. And a steady marefriend.
Still the same damn roommates though.
Wonderful story! I had a blast!
176111
Really, which stories?
If she'd kick out the Diamond Dogs I'd move in. I'm less annoying than her room mates, so I'd be less likely to get beat up, and I've always liked basements (when the lights were on and I was familiar with them), and caves remind me of basements, so I think it could work.
More plotlines? sweet.
175692
What about "Your Best Shot"? I want to see if Twilight will be able to learn comedy or not (and if the world will survive her eggheady humor)
Yeahaaaw! More Gilda. YEEEESSSSS. MOAR!!!
fantastic
179252 Thanks! Always good to hear from you.
176066
You have no idea how much I've missed you and your humour.
Can't wait for the next series
176066
this terrifies me.
I WUB WOO
This story is amazing. I very much expect more. You manged to write a story about Gilda that doesn't redeem her as much as develop her. She's still an alpha bitch, but we now know more about that alpha bicth, such as the fact that she is easily distracted by owls and yarn.
184515 Yeah. Redemption doesn't really exist. I hate redemption. Its more fun to think about what a charecter could be like - or make cruel jokes. Glad you liked!
Good Gandhi. I haven't even begun reading it but I couldn't stop laughing at the description. And dat cover picture.
Priceless.
198363 Glad-a u liek! Also, dig your avatar.
Great story, but you really could use an editor. Or maybe a better spellcheck.
This is pure comedy genius. I've loved every moment of this story thanks a million for your hard work!
Scrambled eggs... Oh my goodness, that's hilarious, but please don't.
...
I have to say, this story gripped me in a way I can't quite explain. I usually steer clear of stuff this... Erm... Sexual, but something made me keep reading, and enjoy the read. The voice in your style of writing is intriguing and FULLY AWESOME and I am jelly of it.
But I still don't like Gilda. And I still feel sooooo bad for Pinkie Pie.
But anyway.
Take my utterly useless praise and stamp of approval.
I had trouble breathing while reading this.
"Comedy" just doesn't say it.
any chance on a update or is this fic dead?
1520697 Thanks! This is an older story, but I still love reading it myself. And, you know, comments.
Well, that was hilarious. Read it all in one night, and... I laughed. A lot.
I kinda like how there's no real character development here. Gilda is a jerk at the start, she's a jerk at the end, the only thing is you see a fair few different sides of her. It's the reader and other characters that learn Gilda has a nice side to her. Another thing I like is just how destructive Gilda is. With seemingly no effort, she completely fucks Pinkie over. She's like a walking ball of "I'm gonna fuck you up, just cause," and I really liked that. It matches her in the show perfectly.
If I had to cite a weaknesses, I'd say there were times when it just felt like you were making a joke that wasn't as funny as you thought it was. The end was also a bit... nyeh. It didn't really feel like anything had been accomplished. Gilda now has gloves, and that's it. The story is over. I suppose that might be the point, but I was still hoping for something a bit more... pointed?
I rarely laugh out loud when reading, but when I do, I cackle like a banshee. This story elicited the latter response.
I realise you've left this story alone for over a year now, but I would love it if you came back with the promised second story arc.
Ha ha, Loved it! I think I'm gonna go check out more of your stories... tomorrow. Freaking 2 AM xD But yeah, seeing as it says "incomplete" on the story's page, should we expect more, or have you officially burned out on this one?
That was awesome. I'm sad to see that this is a dead fic, but happy that it did stop in an appropriate place.
It's dead. Somebody get some necromancy up in this fic or I swear I will attempt it myself. Being an amateur necromancer it can only go downhill.
Aw geez
Short enough to toss back in an afternoon, hilarious all the way through, and (almost) a complete story arc too... You are golden.
I freely admit, i was sucked in by the knitting, but stuck around for the cute. Very fun and if there's more that works, if not, this is a good place to end it.