Somepony Sent Us Up The Bomb
It was just her luck that she was in the bathroom taking a whiz when a knock came at the front door.
“ Don’t get it!” she shouted through the bathroom door, but Gilda could hear the Diamond Dogs scrambling for the door. She cursed her bladder - she usually didn’t need to pee after waking up, so of course she’d have to go on one of the few days - barring the day before with the mailmare - that there had ever been a visitor at Gilda’s cave. She squeezed, trying to finish more quickly.
“ Um, hello. Does a griffon reside here?” came an unfamiliar stallions voice.
“ Gilda? Yeah, she’s our landlady.” Gilda winced at the sound of Rover.
“ Wait, it’s Gilda?” came a voice that made Gilda wince even more - the voice of Pinkie Pie.
Finishing and washing her claws, she braced herself and headed for the front door.
“ Uh, hey.” she said, coming into view. There were two Equestrian Guards standing tall - luckily, both pegasi - along with the detestable Pinkie Pie - who had strange little scorch marks on her temples - a very guilty looking Spike and angry looking Twilight Sparkle - and to her shock the mailmare, who blushed and gave Gilda a weak smile. Taking a deep breath, Gilda prepared for the worst. “ What’s up?”
“ Pleasepleaspleaseforgiveme!” cried Pinkie, diving at Gilda. Gilda didn’t have time to react as she was pounced into a hug by the mare. The Diamond Dogs were a little quicker, with Spot arriving with a bowl of popcorn and Fido pushing the sofa over so they could watch in amusement. “ I’m so soooo soooooooos sorry for whatever I did, Gilda! I don’t even know what I did but I’m sorry!”
“ Get off me!” Gilda screeched, pushing the pony off and backing away. “ What the heck! I thought they took you to jail or something!”
“ Pinkie Pie was suffering a nervous breakdown - I did a electroshock spell to help cure her of it.” said Twilight Sparkle, trotting forwards. “ It’s erased her memory of a few days, so we don’t know what she’s done to you. But we do know why, don’t we, Spike?”
“ Ah ha ha, hi, Gilda.” said Spike. The little lizard was obviously cold - he was wearing two sweaters and a hat yet still shivering, but the nervous bead of sweat proved that things were not going well for him. “ So, um, see, there was this....favor....that Pinkie owed me. You know, the kind of “I’ll do anything if you help me with this” kind of favor, the one that, if you take advantage of, can end with time in jail. And stuff.”
Gilda caught on.
“ So, um, I was kinda...lording it over her.” said Spike, glancing nervously to Pinkie, who drooped in shame. “ And she snapped, and well, you know her history with you. Thats, um, why she did what she did.”
“ Did she attack you in any way?” asked Twilight, looking concerned. “ Ditzy Doo - “
Ah, the mailmare had a name.
“ - said that you had a reaction to earth ponies. I-if this is some sort of fear response - “
Her words were cut off by a muffled scream from deeper in the cave, emanating from Trixie’s lair. The guards leapt into action, flying off to render aid - and despite herself, Gilda could not help but admire those toned soldier-flanks as they raced by. She pawed along after them, wondering what was going on.
As she entered Trixie’s lair and found the two blushing pegasi struggling to keep their wings under control, she got her answer.
Trixie was bridled. And bitted. And strapped to her bed, her limbs spread wide. There were blinders on her eyes and some sort of pendant tied to her horn.
“ What’s going - OH CELESTIA SPIKE STAY BACK!” As Twilight Sparkle entered the room she blushed such a red that it overtook her purple coloring completely. She kicked the curious little dragon away, earning his protest. “ W-what’s going on in here?” the unicorn cried.
“...I think she’s into bondage.” said Gilda dryly, savoring every moment of the growing discomfort. Trixie gave several grunts of anger and struggled in her bindings. “ And something didn’t go quite right.”
Several seconds passed.
“ Um, are you gonna free her?” asked Gilda, looking to the guards. Blushing, they set to the lengthy and awkward task of freeing the mare. Gilda enjoyed the show, admiring the stallions wingspans. Soon, Trixe, sore and whiney, was freed.
“ Um....so, miss, what happened?” asked one of the guards as Twilights eyes went wider as she recognized Trixie.
“ I’ll tell you what happened!” cried Trixie dramatically. “ I was beset! I was taken advantage of! I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, invited a mare from a tavern back to my room only to find she was a fiend! Oh, she was fine until she had me buckled in - then, she left me there! I screamed all yesterday but nopony heard!”
“ We heard.” said Rover with a laugh. “ We just didn’t care.”
“ Wait, you’ve been in there since yesterday?” said Gilda in surprise.
“.....you didn’t notice I was gone?” asked Trixie, looking hurt.
“ Nah, she was too busy banging the mailmare.” said Fido. Gilda “eeped!” and growled at him, baring a claw.
“....um....hello?”
Trixie leapt into the air, readying a spell as Pinkie walked in.
“ Thats her! Thats the fiend!” cried Trixie, hiding behind one of the guards. “ Stop her!”
“ So, um, Ms. Fiend, do you want this ticking box from Gilda’s room?” asked Spot, entering holding up a cardboard box. “ I saw you put it in there and picked it up, but when I dropped it the clock stopped ticking.”
Every eye in the room slid over to Spot. The little dog’s ears fell, looking nervous.
“ V-v-very carefully, set that down.” said Twilight Sparkle, backing away from Spot. Everyone followed suit, inching towards the door.
“ You tried to kill me with a bomb?” Gilda hissed at Pinkie. The pink pony had tears streaming down her cheeks and was muttering the word “ sorry” over and over again. Spot placed the box gently on the ground and joined them - everyone was just about clear of the room.
Gilda reached for the door to close it. She didn’t make it.
“ Hi-diddly ho, neighborinos!” cried the resounding voice of Steven Magnet from behind them. Like always, it rattled the pebbles on the floor and the plates on the table. But today, it also rattled several bottles of nitroglycerine.
=============
“ ........if anyone sees where my fridge landed, tell me.” groaned Gilda, pushing rock and rubble from her as everyone climbed from the ruins of the half-blasted cavern. “ Because I really, really, need a beer.”
“ Uh, I think your fridge got destroyed.” said one of the guards, pushing the leaking container off of him. It was pummeled and battered - infuriatingly, it had shielded the microwave from destruction. “ And I think your beer got smashed. It’s leaked all over me.”
Gilda’s eyes shot to the pegasus, who shook his beautiful, beer soaked mane, rivulets of alcohol dripping down his muscular shoulders. He noticed her after several seconds.
While everyone else struggled for their lives to escape the damaged cave, all she could do was stand their, licking her lips as he blushed.
==============
“ Yeah, yeah, this place needs some serious structural work before anything can live here again.” said a burly Diamond Dog. He was the head of a group of contractors that Rover knew who could repair the structurally weakened caverns. “ Two or three days tops. You got the bits?”
“ She has the bits.” said Gilda grumpily, pushing Pinkie Pie forwards. The pony smiled nervously.
“ Um, I actually don’t.” said Pinkie with a weak chuckle. “ I, uh, already had to pay for the damages to Sugar Cube Corner. Uh, but I can - “
“ Listen, lady, I’m flattered, by I don’t swing that way.” said the contractor with a sigh, setting his pickaxe down. Pinkie blushed. “ But tell you what. I’ve got a dawg who knows a dog who knows a pony who runs a club in Manehattan and he’s always looking for dancers.”
“ Dancers?” Pinkie’s ears perked up. The Diamond Dogs laughed to themselves. “ I can dance! You’ve never seen somepony dance like me!”
“ Great - we’ll work out the details later.” said the Diamond Dog with a evil chuckle.
“ Hey. Knucks.” said Gilda, sticking out a fist to the dog. She knew full and well what kind of “dancer” that he was talking about. She even knew the club - every Friday was “ Feathers, Fetlocks, and Fantasy” night. The dog returned the gesture giving Gilda a conspiratorial grin, then turned to lead his workers into the caverns.
“ Well, um, this didn’t work out quite as I thought it would.” said Twilight nervously as the guards - one still blushing deeply - hitched themselves up to the sky-carriage they’d brought the flightless ponies in. “ I didn’t think you’d be homeless because of Pinkie.”
“ Eh, two or three days ain’t anything.” said Gilda with a shrug. “ I’ll just crash at Stevens place - “
“ Uh, no no no you won’t, missy!” said the dragon, slithering over and waving his sassy finger. “ Those claws on my carpets and furniture? You’d ruin them! And your table manners - see, if you were like the boys and always used a coaster - “
Rover, Spot, and Fido snickered as Gilda frowned. It was bad when a group of bachelor miners were considered more cleanly then you. It wasn’t like she was dirty - she’d showered and scrubbed herself silly yesterday!
“ - so they’re invited. You’re on your own.”
“ Thanks.” grumbled Gilda, glaring at the dragon. He turned and somehow managed to prance off, a mean feat for something with no legs.
“ Y-you could stay with me.”
Gilda turned, remembering who else was there. The grey mailmare was standing there, blushing and looking nervous. Gilda’s mild whirled between interest and revulsion.
“ I-I mean, I have a guest bedroom.” said the mailmare - Ditzy, that was her name. “ A-a-and I’d love to have you - I mean, as a guest.”
“ Hmmp. Twilight Sparkle, was it?” said Trixie, walking between them with her nose into the air, addressing the purple unicorn. “ You’ll be providing my lodging until I can return.”
“ W-what?” stammered Twilight, caught off guard.
“ As a fellow practitioner of magic I’m sure you can understand the needs a magician has in her home.” said Trixie, looking the unicorn in the eye.
“ Yeah, tell us more about your needs, Trix.” said Gilda snidely.
“ Privacy. Magical laboratories. Access to information. You live in the library where the Great and Powerful Trixie can have all of them.”
“....uh, well, I guess.” said Twilight, scratching the side of her head. “ It’s only for a few days - “
“ Hey! Don’t be such a pushover, Twilight!” said Spike, stepping in front of Twilight as if to shield her from the blue unicorn. “ The Weak and Obscure Trixie can’t just barge her way into our home like that. She caused a lot of trouble last time she was in Ponyville!”
“ Okay, I’ve got a solution.” said Gilda, seeing a way to escape Ditzy. “ Um, Ditz, I-I’d love to accept your offer...”
The pegasus’s lonely eyes lit with joy.
“ But thats taking things a little fast.” said Gilda, cursing her instinct to be nice to pegasi. “ And, um, I’m not ready for that. So, what if Trixie took the guest bedroom and, uh, in a few days we see how things are going?”
“ O-ok.” said Ditzy, looking disappointed but accepting the plan. She gave Gilda another hopeful smile that made the griffon uneasy and confused.
“ The Great and Powerful Trixie is not fine with this!” protested the unicorn, rearing onto her back hooves. “ Not even for a moment! Nothing will make her fine with this!”
“ I-I can make muffins.”
“ Trixie is sold.” said the blue unicorn, trotting over next to Ditzy. Everyone rolled their eyes.
“ So, you can bunk with us, then.” said Spike, gesturing to Twilight and himself. “ We’ve got the room in the attic where Owlowlcious sleeps.”
“ Spike!” protested Twilight, pushing him aside. “ We can’t just put her in the attic!”
“ Lets decide this later.” said Gilda with a sigh, looking to the guards. The beer-soaked one was shivering in the cold. The flightless ponies climbed into the carriage while Ditzy flew ahead. Somewhat alone, an evil smile took to Gilda’s face as she snuck over to the suffering guard.
“ Little something to keep you warm.” she whispered in his ear before giving it a slight nibble, a claw tracing his hammer cutie mark. His wings shot up in an instant as his partner began to laugh. With a smirk, Gilda flapped off ahead.
Her home might have been in ruins. She might have to deal with a lonely, lovestarved mailmare. She might be rooming with a nerd and her pet lizard. But as she felt his eyes trace her tailfeathers, all was good in Gilda’s world.
========
All was bad in Gilda’s world.
They had gotten back to Ponyville in the mid-evening and everyone had gone their ways. It had been a long trip, but an enjoyable one - and afterwards the pegasus she’d teased asked for her address so he could come back next time he had leave. She’d given it to him and given him another parting nibble. She’d heard his partner laughing as they flew away.
After a quick trip to the post office to send a letter, she and her temporary roommates were then heading back to the Library.
And then disaster had struck in the worst. Possible. Way.
Gilda had spent years on her image. She was big, badass, mean, and cool. When she walked down a street, ponies moved aside. When she flew over the Everfree, animals hid. But as they’d come near the library, the fluffiest, cutest looking owl Gilda had ever seen flapped down to greet them.
She’d squealed like a cub.
“ Ohmigawd look at him!” she squeaked, racing over and leaving a mystified Twilight and Spike. “ Oh, who’s a pretty little birdy? Who’s a pretty birdy?” She began scratching the owls chin, eliciting a happy hoot and smile.
She spent several moments baby-talking the owl, tickling it and playing with cute little claws before giving it a final boop on the beak and letting it go. It had fluttered over to Twilight and delivered a message scroll, then flapped back to Gilda, landing on her back.
That was when Gilda realized she was standing in a street full of ponies. All of whom were watching.
She froze, eyes wide in terror as they began to smirk and giggle. Then, Owlowlcious, impatient for more attention, ran a claw along her neck. She couldn’t help herself as she purred involuntarily, her eyes drooping and tail going rigid.
A moment later the entire street was laughing.
It had been all she was able to do to run inside the library.
“ Fan-fucking-tastic.” she sighed, drooping once she was out of the street view. Twilight trotted in, stifling a smile as Spike openly guffawed, his little belly jiggling with every heaving breath. “ Not a word. You got it?”
“ I promise I won’t tease you.” said Twilight. Gilda glared at her. “ I’m sorry, but it was so cute. Whenever we see you normally you are all mean and loud and seeing you act all happy was just too much.”
“ I, uh, I don’t like to act like that in public.” said Gilda, blushing and looking away. She was pissed, but she was so embarrassed that was covering her more wrathful emotions. Owlowlcious hooted again, causing a little tingle to go down her forearms - the damned owl was still adorable.
“ It’s okay - nopony will remember by tomorrow.” said Twilight, trotting past. “ So, um, want some dinner? I-I don’t know if I have anything you’ll like-”
“ Nah, it’s okay.” sighed Gilda. After such an indignity she’d usually be busting heads, but the incident had really taken the wind from her sails. Her headfeathers felt ruffled, so with a mopey walk she went to the hallway mirror to fix them.
She froze in place as she saw herself, slightly sooty. Her feathers were clean and pure, not a speck of the purple dye in them. It had to have washed out the night before in the shower.
She shrieked and fainted.
==========
“ Rarity! Rarity! Open up, it’s an emergency!”
Rarity, not usually one to get emergency calls at her store, looked up in surprise. She’d just finished dinner and was cleaning up the kitchen when the loud knocking at the front door to here business started. Spike’s voice had run out as the knocking intensified - she sighed and trotted for the door. He probably had picked another flower for him or something.
Oh. That thought was dashed as she noticed Twilight and a large, hooded figure were with him.
“ An emergency?” she asked, opening the door and inviting them in. The hooded figure swooped in, then set to throwing every one of the windowshades down. “ W-what is this? Twilight, who is this pony? And what’s going on?”
“ Uh, Rarity, this is, um, Gilda.” said Twilight, shutting the door. Gilda took off the hood, looking humiliated as she did so, checking the windows again. Rarities eyes went wide - it was the same griffon as before! The purple dye was missing, but she wasn’t mistaken. She’d been wrong when she’d told Dash that Gilda wasn’t around! “ She kinda needs a favor.”
Steeling herself and making a note to break the news to Rainbow Dash gently, she set to work.
“ M-m-my dye.” said Gilda, kneading her paws. “ I-I think it washed out! I was in public! Naked!”
“ She’s, uh, had a rough day.” said Twilight, pulling Rarity close. “ Um, it’s a pretty big thing to not have her feathers dyed, I guess. So, um, could you...”
“ Oh, yes! It’ll be easy!” said Rarity, feeling a burst of elation. “ Darling, you’re in good hooves.” she said, turning to the whimpering griffon. “ I’ve dyed hundreds of feathers in my work and even if they haven’t been attached to somepo-somebirdy, I can do it in a jiffy!”
“T-t-t-than-thank you.” said Gilda, eyes sparkling.
Rarity wanted to shout with joy as she led Gilda to one of the salon chairs, shutting the curtain so that they had privacy from Twilight and Spike. She quickly set to washing the feathers, feeling a sense of pride as Gilda relaxed. She’d accidentally insulted Gilda before when she’d mistaken her gender, but now she had a chance to make things right.
“ So, Twilight says you’ve had a horrible time today.” said Rarity, filling her tone with care. “ Would you like to talk about it? If you don’t, you can tell me how the knitting is going.”
“ It’s , um, going okay.” said Gilda, her tone unsteady. She closed her eyes as Rarity began to flatten her feathers - ooh, it was so much different than a mane! She had to focus on which pliability and angle rather than simply styling it however she felt, but the rigidness let play with a tension hair would never allow. “ I made a, um, bracelet. Spike showed me how to knit with just my claws - uh, so I’m not using the needles anymore.”
“ Ooh, and you were going to show me how wonderful those claws were, I remember!” said Rarity, trying to pep up the griffon. “ I can’t wait to see what you can do!”
“ Uh, thanks.’ said Gilda, looking away. “ I’ll, um, need some more yarn.”
“...you went though three balls already?” said Rarity, looking surprised.
“ My, um, roommates kinda ruined them.” said Gilda with a little scowl. “ I really hate Diamond Dogs sometimes - “
“ Ooh, do not even start on those ruffians! They are the worst sorts in the world!”
Gilda’s face lit up and moments later, they were comparing everything they hated about the cave-digging canines. With the skill of a master of gossip and fashion she carried the conversation into other topics, learning more of Gilda as she went. She’d been surprised to find she was “ into pegasi ”, but when Rarity thought of how she acted about Rainbow Dash when the topic was breached, it made sense - she seemed to be a jealous lover who was sore after a bad breakup.
As time went on, Rarity came to understand Gilda was really a sweet, nice being they’d totally misunderstood.
==============
“ I-I’m not comfortable with this.” said Pinkie, struggling as her new ‘manager’ tried to push her onto the stage.
“ Listen, you signed the contract, you do the work.” said the large, muscular pony with a grunt. “ And keep that bit in your mouth! You won’t make half as much without it in there.”
“ B-but I never knew I was going to have to be a pole-dancer!” protested Pinkie before the bit was shoved back into her mouth, gagging and silencing her.
“ Listen - you need bits fast?” said the manager. “ You get on the pole. You shake your flank, make yourself as open as you can, and those galloots in there will shower you in hard cold cash. Twenty minutes, you come back in here and keep a third. Keep that up for a week, I bet you won’t have a debt in the world.”
Pinkie Pie just whimpered, the metal taste of the bit filling her mouth.
“ So come on, hot-flanks, get out there!” said the pony, pushing her through the curtain onto the stage.
==========
Quick Snap had taken some odd jobs in her life as a photographer. But this one took the cake.
It’s been a rush job - she’d gotten a letter only minutes ago that told her to rush to the local gentlecolts club and get a bunch of shots of a pink mare with a balloon cutie mark. Some griffon wanted every shot of her on a pole, shaking her flank, and doing any other degrading thing a mare could do.
Normally Quick Snap would have balked, but the griffon wanted double prints and paid triple price. It was hard to argue with a job like that, even if she found it disgusting and degrading to mares everywhere. It was obviously part of some sick revenge plot.
She let out a small sigh as the bridled pink mare emerged onto the stage, her cheeks soaked with tears. There were some messed up things in life.
===============
“ I’m so glad I got to know you.” said Rarity, helping Gilda out of the chair. The griffion checked her newly-died headfeathers in the mirror, smiling as she saw they had been done perfectly. “ I wish we could have started better.”
“ Don’t worry.” said Gilda, wiping a droplet of water from her cheek. “ Live and forgive, right?”
“ Oh, I think we are going to become the best of friends!” giggled Rarity, glad she’d given this mis-understood chick the friendship she deserved.
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My smile muscles hurt. You are a terrible, horrific person with a heart as black as death.
I love you and I want to bear your children, SCIENCE WILL FIND A WAY!
awww sweet ending
and you STILL never fail to make me crack up!! steven magnet and his sassy finger, i ask you...
you are a freaking GOD among men.
oh, and the Zero Wing reference? priceless. although it's "set up us the bomb", not sent.
At this point I feel so very bad for Pinkie but I'm a horrible person because I keep laughing
49688 Yeah, my heart is a shriveled husk of mollusk-black stone, but it's part of my allure.
49694 Sassified, Girlfriend! Nobirdy can argue with a sharp tongue and a finger-waggle!
49706 Don't worry. Pinkie Pie will get her's back. It'll more than fix the horror's she's been through.
WoooooW! The best chapter so far! Really funny and superbly written! I cannot wait to read more! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!! M O A R!
Steve went from Jon Cryer to Ned Flanders. I was expecting this line somehow, "It feels like I'm wearin' nothin at all." I like how he just told off Gilda, you ain't stayin at my house, but the Diamond Dogs are because of their Obsessive neatness(which I assume they got from their tenor with Rarity). I am not a fan of Pinkemena but I kinda want her to skin Gilda alive and mount her on her wall. One thought: Pinkie needs a hug. I like how this episode focuses on the side characters more this time around.
Peace Out.
49265
Wow, am I that infamous already? I've only been on this site for about a month. Didn't think I would have corrupted others that quickly. The Dark Side of the Force is more powerful than even I can imagine!
Priceless. The humor just keeps on coming.
A few highlights:
So Gilda swings both ways? Hawt!
It seems I know what to bribe Trixie with if dimensional borders are crossed and she comes looking to end my life in the most painful way possible. With what I've got planned for her in "Trixcord," I'm going to have to stock up big time...
I love Steve Magnet. I hope you keep including him because there just aren't enough characters like him.
Like some others said, I feel bad for Pinkie but at the same time I just can't keep the grin off my face. I hope you keep the seat next to you open when I see you in Hell.
Would a baby griffon be a cub? I suppose so. Probably safer than calling her "kitten..."
Anything avian can quell the raging fury of a rampaging griffon and make it squeal like a flying squirrel.
I don't get the gag with the dye on the feathers so I must have missed something earlier. But it did lead to a nice bonding experience with Rarity so I have no complaints.
Till next time!
Watched so very hard... This is hilarious. I love how you've written Gilda, she could pretty much have her own show with you leading the way and it would be fan-fucking-tastic.
49829 So, there was a earlier scene where Gilda first tries to buy gloves and Rarity mistakes her for a dude. Later, Rarity was talking with teh Dashzorz about gender in griffions, and I decided to play with it - if they dye their feathers, like you can see on the tips of Gilda's feathers in the show and the male background griffon with the red dyed tips, it stands to reason they would be kinda sensitive about it. So, I humiliate her a little to allow her to bond with Rarity and even out the abuse - I love Gilda, but I like seeing her hurt and angry too.
49862 Good to hear! I'm going into writing and scripting television, so it's good to know my hobby pieces are high quality!
49785 I hate how every time I read " Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all" i hear the Fland-mans voice three times. Curse you, sirrah. Curse you. And don't worry, Pinkie will have her revenge.
interesting
Poor Pinkie!
Funny chapter!
This is the best Gilda.
I love how you showed my how got a bird gilda can be... before gonig into pinkies pole dancing and gilda paying someone to take as many pictures as posible while erasing the somewhat nice image i got about gilda!
p.s Write more more more!!!!!!
Heh, this story is just plain fun, and the characterization has good substance to it. Me likes.