This story is a sequel to The Story of Chris the Changeling
Follow Flash as an ordinary regular day turns into a not so ordinary or regular day.
Follow him as he has to play games set up by Nightmare Shadow to test the endurance, strength, stamina, knowledge, and power of him and other ponies that have been selected and chosen to play.
Will he survive and win? Will the others?
Read and find out.
But lastly, what is the purpose and point of these games, Nightmare Shadow must have a plan, but what is it?
Chapters (15)
Seen this in one of the feedback groups...
My feelings about the chapter:
I believe you have some really interesting plot waiting ahead, a plot you were really eager to write and neglected the opening because of that. Great that we know what Flash did, but... written like "he did this, then this, then this" it's really boring and simply screams "I want to have the introduction behind me already to get to the cool stuff!". If you actually had just a few sentences about each of the actions, it would be more entertaining. Also, it'd allow you to continue in the "regular ordinary" gag you started before. The same problem of rushed exposition continues thorough the whole chapter.
Next trouble is the one huge block of text, combined with the fact that it's basically one loooooong sentence. Split it in smaller paragraphs, for example one about Princess Celestia contemplating her sister's disappearance, next for Flash and his childhood... And split the sentece into shorter ones. You surely have there some interesting thoughts, but you mix all of them together, making it hard to focus and unnecessary repeat them over and over again.
Last, the "(Luna went missing...)" shouldn't be here under any cirmustances. Any info like that can go to the author's note and often it wouldn't be necessary at all. I reckon you'll explain why, when and how she went missing in later chapters. If the events of your changeling story don't directly affect this one, then all the info is even more needless.
Hi, you seem to be rather new here. Welcome. What follows is meant to be healthy criticism:
You've made a number of choices that are traditionally frowned upon.
1.) Really short chapters
2.) Super powerful OC villain
3.) Story about Flash Sentry
4.) Mysterious OC hero
5.) Borrowing heavily from other sources (I haven't read the whole story but the whole mirror that shows your deepest desire.....c'mon Harry Potter anyone)
All of those things are likely to garner criticism from the community at large.
If you want to try again, here's my advice.
1.) Tell us more about Nightmare shadow, really expand on his backstory.
2.) Get rid of Solar Eclipse, you've already got six heroes who can battle nightmare shadow
3.) Work on making your dialogue less verbose
4.) Make your chapters longer.
7780687
1. There is a story about that that is a Work In Progress
2. Uh-
3. Verbose? Um, okay...
4. Can do.
Also please do forgive my mistakes because...
1. I am new
And
2. I haven't read enough Fanfiction or Fimfiction
7780687 Warning: Major Plot Line Spoilers Ahead!
Well Nightmare Shadow is a OP OC, in reality its just smoke and mirrors.
I mean what have we seen him do? One. Shake the ground. Two. Block Tirek
But he was wearing a very special amulet and the name of it shall not be given away, but here are some hints for it.
Anyhow you inspired me for the perfect plot twist, that in reality he is...
7780687
For the amulet the first letter begins with an 'A' and it appears in Season Three of the MLP Show
Sorry, wouldn't work/ post before.
7780687
... Weak
7782495 All of that needs to be in this story, you can't expect your readers to read your other work to fill in the blanks.
My ultimate advice is to read other stories on here
7782748
Fixed it.
Read to find out the point and purpose of these mysterious and deadly games.