James has always felt like he was...out of place. Like he was not meant to be here, on earth, with all these humans who would rather bash their heads open than live together in peace.
No, he was not meant for this. He is different from those people. He truly recognizes the beauty of nature and what it gifts us. He is not one of them, he could never be and will never be. James knew he was different for a long time, yet always asked himself just who and where he belonged to.
Until he made a fateful wish. One that would change his life forever.
This story is an attempt on trying out romance. Please share your constuctive criticism with me instead of simply disliking and leaving, thank you.
Does NOT feature sex.
Chapters (3)
Intriguing
"They poluted the air that they breath themselves yet they don't stop it."
*polluted
"Questions like that had plaqued him for multiple months now"
*plagued
"Nature"
*nature (unless you mean nature as in Mother Nature..)
I enjoyed this... I'm looking forward to more!
-INFUSCATE-
7738581 Thanks alot for the feedback, I'll correct those mistakes at once.
And thanks for enjoying my story, nice seeing people liking it
7738589 no problem mate.
-INFUSCATE-
Word of advice: lay off the misanthropy.
Believe it or not, not everyone wants to suck the planet dry of resources. Some are actively trying to save it. When you portray an entire species as inherently destructive, with only a few "good" people" not only do you look like a massive hypocrite, but it's unfair to the countless millions of individuals who aren't consumed with greed.
7738800 I of course know that there are many people out there trying to save the environment and the planet, nor do I wish to criticize them or make them look bad.
However, I think we can all agree that, if we take a look at humanity in it's current state, about 80% of said humanity is more or less destroying the environment with a scary determination.
Yes, this does not apply to everyone, I do realize this. I myself would be one of those people myself if I am totally honest, but I never claimed I would be anything different. This is, after all, a work of fanfiction. Pony Fanfiction. It's not to be taken too seriously in my opinion.
7738922 You might have forgotten about this
7739135 Jungles are still bing cut down, fossile ressources are still being used like before and the climate is heating up nontheless.
I do know there are things like that to prevent or stop such things, yet they either take a very long time to fully carry out or simply don't do a whole lot
7739149 Even Obama was doing something against climate change, so theres actually a lot of people who want to stop it
7739154 I think this is a topic which could be argued over for weeks. However, I do not wish t cause any arguments in the comments of my stories, no anywhere else for that matter.
This story is a work of fiction, a work of fiction about colorful cartoon ponies. It would be wrong to have such a heated debate over something so simple. So please, let's settle down and move along.
7739183 Yeah, but im just saying that you might make a lot of people angry, just like the story called The Lost Element where the human says Humanity is bad not in general but as a whole
7739197 I understand, I'm no genius at writing after all. The story is narrated from James' point of view and his thoughts, so almost everything you read is biased by his own opinions and thoughts.
If I actually managed to get that across properly...no clue, Practice makes best after all.
It is the only way for me to communicate with your kind. Unfortunatly so, may I say."
*unfortunately
that was the only thing I saw just now... but, it's midnight and I need to get to sleep so I'll do a more detailed spell check in the morning. Also, you use "ray of light" too many times, it should only really be used once per 1000 words. I don't have any suggestions of words to replace it with though.
This looks good, I am still enjoying it... but it needs to be faster, (or there needs to be like 2x as much words per chapter.)
7741833 but...that stands at the beginning of the sentence, so wouldn't one capitalize that no matter what?
7742661 It's spelt unfortunately not unfortunatly
something about that paragraph just seems... wrong. I think it's because you failed to establish the setting, a better version (in my opinion,) would be:
James lay in his bed. Barely awake, barely asleep. He was on the cusp of entering unconsciousness when a cold breeze floated from the open window, and tickled his nose. His eyes opened in a sleepy fashion, allowing him to glimpse his surroundings piece by piece. he issued a slight groan, more like a squeak really, as soon as James' opened his eyes fully the breeze darted from his nose, slipping out of his field of view. James could suddenly feel it fly through his hair. When he raised a hand to his head he failed to grab anything. The cold breeze had slipped away from his sight and grasp once again
There are a number of reasons for the changes I've made... here are some of them:
I changed the start to set the scene better this allows you to picture James in his bed, and makes it much clearer. I changed the rest of the start to make it seem more "artsy" so to speak.
the "cold breeze from the window" line, was because it further helped set the scene, and it tricks the readers into thinking nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
the "glimpse his surroundings" line was because your original line used "opened" and "opening" which is really repetitive, and not good.
"he issued a slight groan, more like a squeak really." - this was for humour (you may not find it funny, but it helps lighten the tone of the story.) and James is a little boy, isn't he? So clearly he should act more like one.
"as soon as James' opened his eyes fully the breeze darted from his nose, " your line went: |"just as James' eyes opened" ... which doesn't make sense, because you already said: "His eyes opened in a sleepy fashion, slowly opening with a slight groan" the breeze 'darting' is because that's much more breeze like.
"When he raised a hand to his head he failed to grab anything" in your version, you had "grab or feel" which is kind of redundant. This just makes it sound better.
These are also just my opinions, feel free to copy my paragraph, or re - write it yourself. (or even keep it the same) It's not as if I'm a writer. Although I do write pony stories on this site. (maybe you could check them out...?)
7743539 I much appreciate your effort on changing my story for the better, haha. Much obliged.
I decided to copy most of your paragraph, not all but most of it. Nice ideas
7749896 Well thanks for favouriting my story! (I wonder what made you check it out? huehue) Also I can tell you that the starter paragraph is now better (although it was good in the beginning as well.) I'm currently working on one of my stories just now... so I don't have much time but:
"When the strange breeze got out of sight" - I would replace that. I mean, how can a breeze go out of your sight?
" He saw he was standing on a moonlit field" - This, technically speaking, should be 'in a moonlit field' (although I only mention it because I'm a grammer (Censored word)
"When James turned around he finally saw that he was standing beneath a tree. A very old tree in fact. James examined the tree, though did not find much of anything that was interesting or different. It seemed like a perfectly normal tree, a normal, usual thing in this increasingly weird scenario." - you use the word tree far too much, I would turn it into:
"standing beneath a tree."
"A very old one."
"James examined the (insert bark colour) bark,"
"a perfectly normal tree."
The: "a normal usual thing" line should probably become something like: "The one sane thing in this lunacy, that got more fantastical every second."
I looked at the rest of the paragraphs, and they seemed
fineBetter than fine! They were GREAT, AMAZING, FABULOUS! etc, etc.-INFUSCATE-
Why no happy ending?
7837465 Isn't that what sequels are for?
7837494 because of that you earned yourself a follow
7837500 Haha, thanks alot! Don't know when I'll be getting to work on the sequel though, may take some time. I still have loads of other stories running and up my mind.
7837723 I'm a patient man
7837965 Glad to hear that
SO BITTERSWEET !!!!
Was the bark really soft or was it a tree with moss on it; if there is such a thing?
8028465 There's definitely moss on trees where I live.
... There are no words for how sad this makes me. NO WORDS!
That TV he watched the documentary on, was probably made form materials dug up by child labor in the Congo, and that bed, or the lamp? Most likely made in China, were they get barley 1/3 of the pay in the US ans you don’t care that it’s all made from reacources that the machines mine up or chop down, so to all you out there, stop being so hypocritical.