Groom of the Moon

by Lil Penpusher

The Queen of Dreams

James lay in his bed. Barely awake, barely asleep. He was on the cusp of entering unconsciousness when a cold breeze floated from the open window and tickled his nose. His eyes opened in a sleepy fashion, allowing him to glimpse his surroundings piece by piece. He issued a slight groan, more like a squeak really, as soon as James opened his eyes fully the breeze darted from his nose, slipping out of his field of view. James could suddenly feel it fly through his hair. When he raised a hand to his head he failed to grab anything. The cold breeze had slipped away from his sight and grasp once again

When the strange breeze got out of sight, James looked around for the first time since he had opened his eyes. He saw he was standing on a moonlit field, a few pink and red flowers grew on it too though they were not in bloom just yet. When James turned around he finally saw that he was standing beneath a tree. A very old tree in fact. James examined the tree, though did not find much of anything that was interesting or different. It seemed like a perfectly normal tree, a normal, usual thing in this increasingly weird scenario. The tree didn't seem to hold any kind of fruit, though it did have all it's foliage, even though the flowers on the field were not blooming.

Then though, when James touched the bark of the tree, he felt that it was ... soft. His hand pulled back in surprise for a moment, then touched the surprisingly soft bark again. James was clueless by now, never had he known of a tree race that had soft bark. Little did James know though that this would just be the beginning.

A sudden ray of light blinded his sight. James lifted an arm to protect himself from the bright light that seemed to be coming from the moon. In a moment's notice though, the light turned from an annoying, blinding, bright light into a warm, welcoming light. As if James had been hypnotized by the light, his arm lowered again, leaving him to stare into the light of the moon. He could no longer feel any kind of cold breeze around him. That coldness was now gone as he was wrapped into a cozy coat of warm light. He didn't know how this was all possible, nor did he know why this happened or where he even was. All James knew was that he loved it, that he felt attracted to it, that he, for once, for the first time in his life, felt like he had a clear direction in life.

To reach for the light.

As tears formed in his eyes, James once again lifted up an arm. This time, it slowly rose up, towards the warm light and its source, the moon. His hand then stretched out towards the moon, trying to grab it. Yet, once again, he was disapointed as it was to no avail. Not only did he not reach far enough to reach the moon, but also the light, James' coat of warmth, disappeared aswell. All that remained was James, the tree and the moon.

A spooky silence filled the air as everything, including James, remained silent. The tree was the only one that made any kind of sound as the wind drifted through the leaves and branches. And so, the silence was only broken by a silent whistle of wind.

"Not even now..." James mumbled to himself as he sat down at the tree, looking down. "I guess I'll just sit here forever, maybe then I'll find an answer for all this..."

A sudden ray of light drew his attention towards the moon again. For a brief moment the moon shined as he had never seen before. Then, a few seconds later, it stopped already.

Before James got the chance to feel disapointed once more, he heard a loud whistling right above his head. The wind now rushed through the tree's branches with far more speed and strength. James stood up, fearing that one of the branches might give in to the increasing wind strength, yet he was lucky. None of them gave in and fell off.

As the wind slowed down once more, James could once again spot the same kind of wind breeze from before. It now travelled away from the moon, clearly visible as it flew straightly towards James with the moon behind it. James had to watch as the blue cloud swirled around him, from top to bottom. Afterwards it flashed away from him, flying into the sky once more. Yet this time it flew straight up, not towards the moon. James raised an eyebrow at the weird behavior of the 'breeze of wind'.

He had not to wait long for it to return though, as it soon came back into sight, crashing down towards the ground. James gasped as he saw it speed towards the ground and was met with a sudden, bright flash of light as it collided with the ground. James had covered his face just in time to protect himself from the blinding light, he had blocked his view with his arms.

When James opened up his eyes again though, he was stunned. The air was now filled with tiny sparkles of light, shimmering as the seemed to hover in midair. James instinct told him to run up to one of the sparkles of light, yet there was no time for that as his attention was needed elsewhere.

A blue cloud had formed in front of James as he was looking around. Now, this cloud was advancing towards him. James tried walking backwards but soon had to remember that there was no going back as the tree stopped his retreat. With nowhere to go, James could only hope for the best as the strange cloud came ever closer. It came closer and closer, until it was about 5 meters away from him.

Then it stopped. Instead, a mysterious figure stepped out of the cloud. The first thing James saw was...a hoof. Much to his surprise it was an actual hoof. It was followed by another hoof. Then the cloud revealed the rest of the figure. A dark necklace with a white symbol in the shape of the moon showed itself, followed by the head of the mysterious figure. The first thing James spotted was the long horn on the head of the horselike creature, later on he could also make out a crown-like object behind said horn. As the figure stopped infront of James a few meters away, the cloud disappeared into thin air behind her. Now James could see the mane of the creature clearly, the deep blue mane that fluttered in the wind. Only now the creature opened its eyes, revealing a pair of light blue eyes that now looked straight into his own pair of eyes.

"What...are you?" James asked the creature as it stood in front of him. He had many questions, yet this one seemed to be the most important and urgent.

The creature gave no response as it only came closer to James. James began to slightly shiver as the creature got closer. Then it stopped, close enough for James to touch with his very hands. And, right as James opened his mouth to speak, the creature finally began talking.

"Fear not, young one, for I am no enemy nor evil spirit." The voice of the creature alone stopped James' shivering. It was almost mesmerizing, which only grew in effect as the creature continued talking. "I mean no harm to you for I am a big part of you. I am the Queen of Dreams, Mother of the Night and Princess of Equestria." The voice explained, James could only cock his head at her speech though.

"W-where am I? Why are you here? Why am I here?" James asked hectically in an entire line of questions. He figured the creature may silence him or otherwise be mad at him for asking such hectic questions, but he was, once again, proven wrong.

The creature gave out a small giggle as it got ever closer to James, now standing right in front of him, James still having his back leaned on the tree. "You are dreaming of course. It is the only way for me to communicate with your kind. Unfortunatly so, may I say."

James scratched his head as he asked back: "But...this feels so...real. This can't be a dream, can it?"

The creature smiled at the unknowing human boy in front of it, replying: "A connection like this, between me and you, requires a very strong connection and bond. It is this which restricts my ability to appear in other's dreams. In my entire life I have only been able to establish very few connections with humans." The voice of the creature became almost saddened as it mentioned the latter.

James was all the more curious now. "So...why are you here then? In my dream?"

"I will tell you. Though, for now, I want to show you something very important." The creature replied as it turned around, away from James. It then continued on, walking away from James in a slow pace.

James walked a few steps after it, then stopping and asking: "What is it that you want to show me then?"

The creature laughed once more, replying in a giggly voice: "You will have to see for yourself. There are many things impossible in the waken world that are very much possible in my realm, your dreams." It then used it's magic to form a white portal, it's horn lighting up in the same blue color as it's mane. "Come now, young one, we have much to do."

James agreed with a nod, although the creature was not facing him. Before the creature stepped into the portal, it turned its head to James once more and asked: "What is your name, young one?"

James stood still, frozen in place by this sudden awkward question, and stottered out an answer. "J-James..." James couldn't resist but ask the creature back. "W-what is...your name?" If it hadn't been cold James would have been covered in sweat by now.

The creature smiled at James in joy, replying: "I have many names." It turned towards the portal, its first hoof disappearing into the portal. "But you can call me Luna." She replied right before she completely disappeared into the portal.

James too now smiled slightly, following the strange creature into what he assumed to be a portal. Whatever it may be, he though, it was safe, the creature had stepped into it aswell.

And so, James put his first foot into the white matter. He first gulped as his foot was now gone from sight, but decided to go through no matter what. He closed his eyes, walking 1, 2, 3 steps forward, arriving at the other side of the portal.

"Welcome, James." Said the same soft voice as before as James spotted the creature from before not standing far from the portal. "Welcome to my home. Welcome to Equestria."

Comments

[INFUSCATE]

It is the only way for me to communicate with your kind. Unfortunatly so, may I say."

*unfortunately

that was the only thing I saw just now... but, it's midnight and I need to get to sleep so I'll do a more detailed spell check in the morning. Also, you use "ray of light" too many times, it should only really be used once per 1000 words. I don't have any suggestions of words to replace it with though.

This looks good, I am still enjoying it... but it needs to be faster, (or there needs to be like 2x as much words per chapter.)

[Lil Penpusher]

7741833 but...that stands at the beginning of the sentence, so wouldn't one capitalize that no matter what?

[INFUSCATE]

7742661 It's spelt unfortunately not unfortunatly

[INFUSCATE]

A cold breeze tickled James' nose. His eyes opened in a sleepy fashion, slowly opening with a slight groan. The breeze moved on from his nose, just as James' eyes opened, slipping out of his field of view. James could suddenly feel it fly through his hair. When he raised a hand to his head he failed to feel or grab anything. The cold breeze had slipped away from his sight and grasp once again.

something about that paragraph just seems... wrong. I think it's because you failed to establish the setting, a better version (in my opinion,) would be:

James lay in his bed. Barely awake, barely asleep. He was on the cusp of entering unconsciousness when a cold breeze floated from the open window, and tickled his nose. His eyes opened in a sleepy fashion, allowing him to glimpse his surroundings piece by piece. he issued a slight groan, more like a squeak really, as soon as James' opened his eyes fully the breeze darted from his nose, slipping out of his field of view. James could suddenly feel it fly through his hair. When he raised a hand to his head he failed to grab anything. The cold breeze had slipped away from his sight and grasp once again

There are a number of reasons for the changes I've made... here are some of them:

I changed the start to set the scene better this allows you to picture James in his bed, and makes it much clearer. I changed the rest of the start to make it seem more "artsy" so to speak.

the "cold breeze from the window" line, was because it further helped set the scene, and it tricks the readers into thinking nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

the "glimpse his surroundings" line was because your original line used "opened" and "opening" which is really repetitive, and not good.

"he issued a slight groan, more like a squeak really." - this was for humour (you may not find it funny, but it helps lighten the tone of the story.) and James is a little boy, isn't he? So clearly he should act more like one.

"as soon as James' opened his eyes fully the breeze darted from his nose, " your line went: |"just as James' eyes opened" ... which doesn't make sense, because you already said: "His eyes opened in a sleepy fashion, slowly opening with a slight groan" the breeze 'darting' is because that's much more breeze like.

"When he raised a hand to his head he failed to grab anything" in your version, you had "grab or feel" which is kind of redundant. This just makes it sound better.

These are also just my opinions, feel free to copy my paragraph, or re - write it yourself. (or even keep it the same) It's not as if I'm a writer. Although I do write pony stories on this site. (maybe you could check them out...?)

[Lil Penpusher]

7743539 I much appreciate your effort on changing my story for the better, haha. Much obliged.

I decided to copy most of your paragraph, not all but most of it. Nice ideas

[INFUSCATE]

7749896 Well thanks for favouriting my story! (I wonder what made you check it out? huehue) Also I can tell you that the starter paragraph is now better (although it was good in the beginning as well.) I'm currently working on one of my stories just now... so I don't have much time but:

When the strange breeze got out of sight, James looked around for the first time since he had opened his eyes. He saw he was standing on a moonlit field, a few pink and red flowers grew on it too though they were not in bloom just yet. When James turned around he finally saw that he was standing beneath a tree. A very old tree in fact. James examined the tree, though did not find much of anything that was interesting or different. It seemed like a perfectly normal tree, a normal, usual thing in this increasingly weird scenario. The tree didn't seem to hold any kind of fruit, though it did have all it's foliage, even though the flowers on the field were not blooming.

"When the strange breeze got out of sight" - I would replace that. I mean, how can a breeze go out of your sight?

" He saw he was standing on a moonlit field" - This, technically speaking, should be 'in a moonlit field' (although I only mention it because I'm a grammer (Censored word)

"When James turned around he finally saw that he was standing beneath a tree. A very old tree in fact. James examined the tree, though did not find much of anything that was interesting or different. It seemed like a perfectly normal tree, a normal, usual thing in this increasingly weird scenario." - you use the word tree far too much, I would turn it into:
"standing beneath a tree."
"A very old one."
"James examined the (insert bark colour) bark,"
"a perfectly normal tree."

The: "a normal usual thing" line should probably become something like: "The one sane thing in this lunacy, that got more fantastical every second."
I looked at the rest of the paragraphs, and they seemed fine Better than fine! They were GREAT, AMAZING, FABULOUS! etc, etc.

-INFUSCATE-

[SpyderBookworm]

Then though, when James touched the bark of the tree, he felt that it was ... soft. His hand pulled back in surprise for a moment, then touched the surprisingly soft bark again. James was clueless by now, never had he known of a tree race that had soft bark. Little did James know though that this would just be the beginning.

Was the bark really soft or was it a tree with moss on it; if there is such a thing?