- Member Since 10th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen Yesterday
BubblePuff
I am a brony and a long time writer. This site will be for my MLP fanfiction, and you can read my other works on Deviantart.com under the name potsticker13.
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It seems a little bit rushed when Pinkie was introducing Thunderstruck to the band, but overall, nice read.
Also Sonata doesn't have white hair.
White hair?
A good read, but I agree you need to slow down and develop this guy more and avoid cliches (Taco Tuesday?
)
Take some risks and liberties, develop these guys and others so they aren't so two dimensional.
Also on the part where he played that ACDC song, he needs a whole band and not just one instrument, plus there's other vocals as well. I would advise playing a song where there's only one person singing with one instrument
I do want to keep reading this, but I advise you pace yourself with it. Like what the other guys said, slow down a little. Take time to flesh out the characters and be descriptive (show not tell). If I could recommend something, have someone read over the chapters and offer recommendations. Apply those recommendations and see what sticks and works well.
7665685 Okay I've been hearing that lately. What do you mean, "show not tell" I mean, this place isn't really for pictures or anything, I mean we are gonna have to tell what they're wearing and how their feeling
7666555 it's a metaphor, not to be taken in the literal sense. Here's a rough example
Before:
"He got to the library, quickly scanned the room and got the book"
After:
"He finally arrived to the library, shelves beyond shelves of books, all waiting to be read someday. Remembering he's pressed for time, he quickly scans the books to find the right one. After a while, he found what he was looking for. With the paperback in hand, he goes to the front desk of the library to check it out."
Show not tell means fleshing out description and not just throwing it out. Though it's just a page on the internet you want to give your readers a sense like they are with the character/make it lifelike. You want them to see the message you are trying to convey. It's supposed to be like TV in your head.
7666650 Ah okay. Thanks
Awww this is adorable.
Just kidding very cute!
Such a cute story so far. Hope you get a new chapter up soon
.
Good chapter my friend! It look like the two sirens got an evil scheme up their sleeve. Bum bum buuummm!
Excuse me, but that's my artwork you use and my friend OC is Lightning Blade!
http://spiritdodd.deviantart.com/art/Mlp-Lightning-Blade-and-Sonata-Dusk-495722527
7926320 I will be honest with you, I found that picture randomly on google. I chose it because the guy looks like a humanized version of my OC, Thunderstruck. If I have offended you, I am sorry. I am in no way trying to capitalize off of your work.
7934138 Your opinions mean nothing to me. Also, deleting comments is at my discretion. If I don't like a comment, I have every right to delete it.
7927593 Just be sure to credit my art and ask before using please. I hate it when someone take my art without asking.
7940737 Because they still follow me and react to comments that I post on other stories.
7934723
Edgy.
Unlikable OC, cliche riden, and no real difference from the other LiE fics here.
Have a down-vote.
This comment has been screen capped in case of deletion or mod involvement.
8056336 You're friends with GunsRGreat, aren't you?
8057075 Though I am enjoying the story, Hamster isn't wrong. The main character does seem to be cliched and I feel like most of the characters are rather dry and not supper fleshed out. Also, it just goes at a very fast pace and is not well detailed. Just some constructive criticism, not saying your story is bad. I do see potential for the story, but it'll take a lot of work
I recommend looking at The Writers group and Helping Hooves group. You can get some crazy good help from those groups and they can help you make this story very top tier. It all depends on how much you're willing to let them help you.
8057075 Is that another mediocre passive-aggressive writer on this site?
8057242 No offense, but that does mean the story is bad.
If my quick breads came out bland or unrisen, I'd deserve everything I catch for that.
I know it seems harsh or unnecessary, but when you come up on subpar work like this, you can't hold back. These pursuits are dependent on reputations for quality. By holding back or sugarcoating the truth, you're not just holding back an author. You're holding back the community.
8058092 Then don't read it.
-sigh- High school crushes, so cute
also I am now gonna set up one of my friends
Will this story have a Sonata is just misguided retcon?
There a reason why you didn't respond to my comment?
8665971
Because I can't understand what it is you're asking.