For a certain jet black mare

everyone knows who you're talking about, no need to coat it in that way. Why not use the name Nightmare Moon directly?

7620583 That's the problem you had with the story?

Because, as you said;

everyone knows who you're talking about, no need to coat it in that way. Why not use the name Nightmare Moon directly?

If everyone knows who it is, then I can make reference to her without using her name, and people will still get it. There is no 'coating', it's me writing a description.

7620586

lad, I haven't even read the story. You added it to my group, so I thought I'd add it to its respective folders. it just so happened that your description caught my eye.

I'm also only suggesting you change 'A certain jet black mare' to 'Nightmare Moon'. That's it.

7620599 True, you did just suggest, but still... sort of an odd nitpick.

7620637 The issue that there a lot of stories written with that kind of descriptive text used poorly and repeatedly. The result of this overuse for the last six years is that it causes a vast majority of fanfiction readers and writrrs to instantly identify and rate the quality of a piece of work preemptively. Plus it means that rather than an offering an intriguing and exciting description to draw in readers, you instead leave people with the assumption that your story is quote "Just another one of those" endquote regardless of hjw fairly or unfairly that lable might be applied.

All of this is offered as kind advice of mistakes I and hundreds of others have made in the past in hopes hf savingxyoy from repeating our mistakes, so I do wish you good luck with your story.

7620828 Alright, jeez. Thanks guys, I'll change my description

7620828 You disliked the story, didn't you?

7620874 No, sorry. Have not had a change to read it. Working with my editor on the new chapter of my story while preparing for work. Good luck though, I totally understand how frustrating it can be to have people too cowerdly to leave criticism of your work just down vote and walk away. It's mind-bogglingly aggravating to be left wondering why, and have no way of improving the quality of your work to prevent future downvotes.

Sorry man, but keep trying and hopefully you won't get so many people being so rude.

7620883 Oh, I'm not worried about my writing quality, I'm worried about people disliking purely off context because THERE'S RAPE OMG.

I do appreciate your tips, however; and I see I'm not the only one that hates the dislike/like system. I have gotten bunches of dislikes on stories where people leave positive comments... and it's like "can you guys that dislike it tell me why?"

Fuckin hate that.

Also, what's this new story you're working on? I'd like to check it out.

7620583 cause not everyone knows they could have found this story via google for all we know and that just adds to the allure and mystery cause there's more then 1 jet black mare i can think of in terms of coat colors but for the life of me names escape me at this 3am time of writing this post
7620586 great story but me reading at 3am really made it difficult to read so tomorrow night i'll come back and give it a proper review that any story that can catch my eye at this time of the morning deserves.

7621376 I await your thoughts!

7621384 I'd like a sequel where celestia gives in to nightmare, but who gives a shit about my opinion?
Great story

7621427 That would be kind of funny, but this is a one time thing... and doing a sequel would basically be re writing this with the roles swapped. Thanks for your comment, and it's gmad you liked it!

7621440 well Fuck, I'll be in my 40s by the time someone makes a story where celestia is the dominant one and nightmare is the submissive one

7621450 You know... a sequel might be kind of a fun idea. I agree; that would be exciting. My only reason to not write such a tale is the fact I'm deep in the third chapter of a story I've been wanting to write for a while.

BUT, I really enjoy this concept, as I too haven't read a story with such a premise. Seeing as how rape-y Nightmare is in this fic, it'd be funny to see how she reacts to Celestia turning the tables.

Man, fuck you. Now I have to write this...

I'll PM you in a week or so... I'm making this happen.

Okay, I liked this story, both literally and metaphorically. I would love to leave a constructive comment, but I have got literally no idea what to write for this story. Sorry.

7621465 That's fine; ego-boosting comments are welcome as well! I am interested as to what you mean by 'literally and metaphotically' liking the s...

nevermind I got it, you left a like.

thank

7621458 that's great mate you don't need to feel pressured to do something, I would have done it but I'm also working on starting three stories ( one at a time of course ). But hit me up if you want an editor/proofreader!

7621486 I will make sure of it.

I'd been looking for a good story involving biting/fangs like this for quite a while. Very nice. Really liked this one, the asphyxiation scene was a great perk as well. For a one shot the mind break felt like it happened really smoothly with celestia. Not usually much time to elaborate on it with a short story, but it didn't feel as 'sudden' as most stories like that do.

Im fully aware that my kinks are messed up, but when I make a comment like this about the story it makes them seem so much worse.

Guessing it was futa-ish correct me if i'm wrong. Not a big fan of it. But was a good story nonetheless, If it is futa probably wont really be inclined to finishing off the story if you plan on any updates. But heres this, I'll like is as i enjoyed reading it. Not just out as a form of apology, I enjoyed it. But as stated probably wont continue reading. good job on it though. Love the nightmare/luna + celestia clops.

By the way i dont mind if you see this as a hate post or not. Just saying my opinion.

7621556

It's definitely futa :p

After all futa is the last word in the description.

7621558

Oh sorry forgive me i did not realise the Black box of writing hahaha. Thanks for pointing that out though.

7621548 Agreed on the biting. I really liked how this story didn't downplay Moonie's evilness and brutality.

Goddamnit. Futa. Not really a fan of that... Unless...

Question: magic made dick or not?

~Skeeter The Lurker

7621661 Magic-made dick, yes... but it's not like, a blue, aura dick, it's simply a sex-change spell.

7621548 Glad to see someone else enjoyed the fangs, and the asphyxiation. Funny; I thought this story was a little dragged out for a one-shot, but looking back, I agree completely with you on the nice-ness of the gradual progression.

/oblig Glad you liked it, and thanks for the comment, my dude.

7621620 Good to see you around, Norry. Also; I'm happy to see someone noticed my very intentional potrayal of Nightmare Moon. I wanted her to come off as sort of an evil creep.

7621810

Oh joy! THATI'm ok with.

I'll be giving a read fo'sho.

~Skeeter The Lurker

7621954 I anticipate hearing your thoughts!

7621987 so far I see only one problem that irks me is the part where you put upper-marehood cause it should be anus or something of that nature as for the rest of the story I'll have to go over it again but when I first read it... It seemed fine and very well written in it's own way I liked it but at this time I couldn't tell you why due to having read it at 3am half asleep otherwise all in all till my final review which i probaly won't be able to give till monday due to a hurricane baring down on where i live over here in florida I have to go and finish securing everything before it gets bad and if i still have internet I'll try to give you an review update. See you when the storm clears up.

- Codyw701

7622120 dont die in the tornado my dude.

I will give you points in that it is very believable up to about the half way mark. I enjoy how you put the fiction in that Nightmare moon was so weak as to be physically hurting herself to do this. It gives her a refreshing character trait in that she is not some all powerful dark goddess. I don't like her personality over all though that isn't due to your writing I just think this version of Nightmare moon is cliched and dull I would have liked either a longer story to explain her or a different take on her personality entirely. I do realize this is nonsensical of me but a man can dream of a Nightmare moon who isn't being evil for the sake of evil; since she honestly isn't shown to be that way in any sort of cannon I know of. There are problems that are due to your writing that I have found A when Nightmare chokes Celestia she would take a lot longer to recover, you have shown her to be harmable and choking for that long would result in permanent brain damage for a any living creature let alone one with a neocortex. B when Nightmare shoves it into her upper marehood (I thought you meant urethra at first honestly) she would have experienced indescribable pain your she would have literally broke her shaft in half by drying to shove it in there all willy nilly. The anus is an incredibly strong muscle much more then any dick could be magical or other wise and if nightmare can feel pleasure she can feel pain. Finally you have shown Nightmare is much weaker so she would be an absolute moron to try this again. Celestia would prepare and would obliterate Nightmare next time due to the fact that Nightmare is a fraction of the power she was when she was with Luna.

7622354 funny enough, I plan on a sequel where Celestia DOES come back and get some vengeance of her own.

As for your critique of the last half: i knew all of this, but the problem is I began to loose interest, as the writers block I had for my other story went away, so I kind of didn't care about the super technical shit so i could get this out of the way. The term upper marehood does seem to fuck people up, so i think when i get home from work (on lunch, on phone( ill change .

Thanks for your comment, glad to see the issue wasnt my writing, but simply things being unrealistic.

7622406

Hn. It did start to feel that way, alas.

I dunno, this was quite good and well written, but... Something was off and it just didn't interest me as I thought it would.

Which is a bit of a shame, really, I do so enjoy seeing Celestia get some.

~Skeeter The Lurker

7622737 that off-ness might have been my slight loss of interest to write the last half. Kind of a shame; this story does start good, but I too feel it doesn't end on a nice high note.

I'm gonna fix that with the little sequel i have planned.

7622757

Hopefully!

~Skeeter The Lurker

7622765 If you don't already watch me; consider doing so. I'm on a bit of a roll with the next chapter of my latest story, but I think I might start on this sequel tonight. Should be done within a week.

7622957

Ugh. Fiiiiiiiiine.

But only because you're a decent guy.

~Skeeter The Lurker

7622984 You're too kind.

BOOM, IT WORKED

7621661

Same here buddy. I would much perefer an aura made dildo in a story other than fute. Just ehhhh very turned off from it.

7623738 I had thought to use a dildo, but I went with a sex-change spell because 1: easier to write, and 2: somewhat creepier. I wanted Nightmare to give off a 'creep' vibe, and I think that helped.

self promo time If you don't like futa, and like dildos and romance, check out this story of mine!

Could use some more word variation and clarification, some details are over-repeated, and there's still some English mistakes, but overall, I'd say it was okay- it accomplished what it was meant to.

7621458 If you wanted to PM me when it's done too, I definitely wouldn't mind.

You could PM me to talk about plot and such as well, if you'd like.

7626210 I've already got the plot worked out; that's the simple part. However, I will PM you on some other stuff.

For a shameless clop fic, this was surprisingly well written

7630485 If you're gonna do something; do it right.

If you'd like to read something a little dumber than this, I'd suggest my latest fic: Princess Celestia gets a speeding ticket.

7630496
That's true, just saying; most people who write clopfics (or fanfiction in general) either don't care or don't know how.
Though, I'll point out that there are many typos around.

Like and fav! For some reason every time I read a rape fic I quit before I finish, but this one I had to see how it ended.

And it was whort it! Anal sex, yay!

7679287 Certainly glad to hear you liked it! If you'd like, I'll PM you when my next fic is out: I have a little one-shot clop involving Luna and a Royal Guard coming out pretty soon.