CoffeeBean
Joined 15th Jul, 2016 ·
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Why, I think this may be a novel approach to Luna's archaic speech! Honestly, I really like what you're trying to do with it, even if it kind of hits a brown note in places.
7523653 If by a brown note, you mean she sound dull; that was intentional. She's a stoic old fart, what do you expect?
Also, glad you liked the story and the writing! As my friend 'TheBreadMaker' in the comments has told me in private, her speech really does make the story come together.
*fan-rages* Cadance's magic is sky-blue, I think.
Flurry Heart.
Careful there, Cadance... one doesn't necessarily choose who one falls in love with...
This is extremely sweet... and you gave Luna slit pupils!
7523789 Thanks for finding those inconsistencies. I haven't really seen an episode in like 3 years... Glad to hear you enjoyed things! And, of course I gave Luna slit pupils; that's like, her cutest trait!
7523796 I was always a bit miffed that show-Luna lost all her 'night creature' traits after she got rainbow-lasered. She should have fuzzy bat wings and cat-eyes!
Now that I think of it, it's fine if Luna falls for Cady. Shining will just have TWO princesses.
7523819 I think Cadance might keep her 'nightmare' to herself, if ya catch my drift
Why is every Cadance story Infidelity?
7525527 Because she's a slut. Thanks for the dislike, by the way.
7525670 Well then at least now I know. Thanks for the honesty
7525702 Sugar coating things ain't my style, despite my story. I thank you for your honesty, as well. I myself thought the concept of a Luna X Cadance story was nice, but I knew someone would eventually mention the fact this is adultery. My excuse was that Luna's got a love-related problem, and Cadance is the Princess of love... so how else would she solve the problem? Talk with Luna? Yeah, we did that; sex time.
7525747 Too be more honest I always wanted a Luna x Cadance story. But there is always adultery and infidelity in all of them. I got my own personal bias against it. Other's will enjoy it thou
7525769 Kind of hard for there to be a story between to characters without infidelity where one of the characters is married in the canon...
7525777 Yeah I know xD. I'm looking for the golden goose like group marrige or herding or shining dies or they split up or they never got together in the first place you get my drift
7523675
Not quite. I'm saying there are some phrases where you miss the sweet spot and end up skirting the ungrammatical weeds. I would recommend you pay utmost heed to the construction of her register.
7526635 think you could hit me with an example or two? I'd like to see what you mean so i can avoid the same problem.
This is a great start. Can't wait to see where this goes.
7534124 I'm currently ~3000 words into chapter 2, and let me tell you, I didn't think it would get this spicy
7534160 Ah... well, the spicier the better I think
Luna is best pony ;). Can't wait to read more. I've noticed nightmare moon is tagged. I wonder how she will play into this story.
7539538 Well, lucky for you, Chapter 2 is completed! It will be uploaded within the hour, as I'm doing all of the final checks.
Nightmare has a fun little part.
Mmmm, tasty Luna and Candy ehh?
I like it!
Carry on
7540223 Wait till you get to chapter 2
also, glad to see you've enjoyed the story so far! This is the first clop I've ever written, so I hope it's good!
A glorious read through buddy, nice job on this! Quite the delicious read~
10/10 would read again
;) a solid piece of world, well done.
7541358 Many thanks for the comment! Glad you liked it!
You know what I changed my Mind. I hate infidelity but if this is what it took to get Luna out there again to find Love then fine. Take my like you monster
7545676
I appreciate it a lot, sir. Your comment made my day!
I am... Rather impressed with this.
Luna is spot on, I think.
Well done, indeed!
~Skeeter The Lurker
Holy hot goddamn that was gooooooooooooooood.
Very nice work, very nice indeed!
~Skeeter The Lurker
7549538 Well, thank you for both of your comments! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the story, and I'm happy to see you think I got Luna down pretty well! She was the hardest part of this to write.
Oh, that was a good read. The interplay and the choices made for their love-making are all... yum. You should definitely do more of this kind of fooling around.
A couple of suggestions though.
Be careful to not go "overly-flowery" for the sake of flowery-ness. 'Superfluous size?' 'Mare of jet?' There were a few things like that that just made me groan and chuckle - not what you're looking for when the point is to be erotic.
Also, don't try so hard to avoid referring to a pony's anus. It actually got confusing to sort through her area, her other area, her other-other area, her other-other-other... wait, which one are we on now?
7558802 Glad to see your comment, and I'm happy you enjoyed things! To address your first point, I don't see how 'Superfluous size' is flowery. I was simply stating that Nightmare Moon's stature is large without saying large. As for the sketchy anus-mentioning... I agree, it could use a lot of polishing. I just hate the word Anus... sounds gross.
Thanks again for the criticism, things like this are what writers like coming home from work to! If you care, give my page a follow; I've got a neat story coming up next involving Flurry Heart and Cadance (not a NSFW story, mind you).
7559693
Well, the 'superfluous' thing was mostly because it felt like the word itself didn't fit. It's the same as saying unnecessary, so Nightmare was 'unnecessarily-sized' - which, given the situation, makes her sound not just large, but 'far too large for no good reason.'
As to the anus thing, there are other ways you can refer to it and keep things clear - 'tail hole' comes to mind.
7559778 Tail hole is a good one, thanks for that little tip! I would go back and edit things... but I'd like to focus most of my energy on the new story, which has been pretty slow going so far...
7569697 I'm not too good at narration, that's why I focused my energy on the characters. Glad it shows, and I'm glad you enjoyed things! your comment made me happy; i just got home from having my wisdoms pulled.
Also, I assume the 'lavender unicorn syndrome' is referring to a character by their species and coat color? I didn't know that was a problem...
7569749 Well... is there any way around that? I don't like using the character's name all the time, it just feels too clunky. Once again, I kinda don't see how it's a problem.
Wow this was a very well done bit O work here. Props to you!
7697066 Well, goodness! Thank you! Glad you liked this old story of mine! I'm quite proud of it, I feel Luna's personality was the highlight.
-slow clap and nod of approval- yes...Amazing clop...brilliant! Favorite and now watching
8012357 Wow... thank you so much! That made me really happy! Funny, this is an old story of mine. Thanks again for the follow and fave!
8012433 what can i say? I take a while to strike gold and i have in this regard ^_^ your work is very good, i have some of my own but none of it is finished lol
More adultery let harmony burn the princesses to ash.
While I normally don't ship Cadance with Luna, this was a well done clopfic with a simple, but effective plot.
8193787 Well, thanks! Funny to see you commenting here now, seeing as this story's one of my oldest. I too enjoy this little fic, especially with how sweet the first chapter is.
Glad you liked it!
8193803 Just because a story is old doesn't mean nobody will read it.
Always good to read more luna/ nightmare moon clop
really good fic!
What exactly is champaign? I've only heard of champagne.
Great story anyways, I never thought I'd find a Lunadance ship so interesting!
8277678
Champagne is a drink that can legally only come from Champagne, France, and is somewhat like a white wine. Its a formal type of drink, and its somewhat fruity and fizzy thanks to a second fermentation that occurs within the bottle.
Also, thanks for reading and commenting! If you want to read a Luna and Cadance story with no sex, go give my other story 'The Luna Papers' a read. It's short and sweet, like this fic.
Again, thank you!
Goddamnit, these two are cute~!
8920418
I'm so glad you think so! Certainly glad you enjoyed this little story of mine!