Princess Cadance and her daughter Flurry Heart wake up... somewhere.
Takes place 16 years in the future
Chapters (6)
CoffeeBean
Joined 15th Jul, 2016 ·
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7582438 danke
Interesting. I'll keep an eye out for this.
7584694 I hope the future chapters don't disappoint!
It's been a while since I've seen a decent survivalist story.
7586361 Well, consider giving the story a like, and add this to your watch list; because Chapter 2 will be out fairly soon.
Glad to see you enjoyed things so far!
Now this is an intriguing start. You have my attention.
7586835 Happy to hear that! I can promise you this; if you thought this was intriguing thus far, wait a little while longer for when chapter 2 comes out.
...I'll be watching this.
7593522 Happy to see you're interested! If you liked things thus far, give the story a like! gotte get dem good stats
Great
Mennika and the other batponies seem nice. Looking forwards to seeing how the hell they swing a full civilization in the forest.
Then again, I can't help but wonder if Lunaz Gritza refers not to Luna but to Nightmate Moon.
As a side note, what language is the Nitzche's based upon? Some of the words look vaguely familiar as some form of Slavic (Russian or Ukranian, at first glance). Is it something of your own creation?
7617122 its Polish with some things phoneticly changed, like making Ws ito Vs and so on. Some things i have taken a creative liberty with, such as Lunaz Gritza, but other than that most things are pure polski. I have heavy polish in my blood from my Mom's side, and I've always loved the way the language looks written down... and it's hard to tell it's a real language, thats why I wenr with it.
Hmmm... So the Thestrals are basically the equivalent of the Amazon tribes in south america...?
7621416 In the sense they're horribly isolated... yeah. Chapter 3 will show they're a little more than a tribe.
Also, glad to see you return to the comment section! Glad to see you enjoyed this fairly small chapter.
7621422
For a story with as much effort as this? I'd have to be mad.
So this is now Rated T for Teen. Mind if I ask why? Without me acting like Pinkie.
7625166 A week or so ago I was brainstorming Ideas, and my mind cooked up some ways to make things a lot more interesting, and dramatic; things that would make the story a lot less light-hearted than I had planned. Originally there was going to be a heavily clop-with-plot scene where Cadance and Shining have some fun... but I decided it didn't fit at all with the tone I wanted, so I changed my mind and took it out; trust me, it wouldn't fit.
7625316 That's more than fine by me. I would've skipped the clop anyways.
7625320 Well, there ya go!
7625325
Interesting story, I'm definetly looking foward to see how you handle Flurry Heart.
7630411 Glad you've taken interest! I hope to hear your opinions on chapter 2 soon!
7630415
I'm assuming that the tribe wordship Nightmare Moon and they're speaking in polish-ish?
7632264 polish-ish, indeed. Worshipping nightmare moon? Well, sort of. Chapter 3 will answer your questions while making lots more in the process
7621907 Just a little heads up, chapter 3 was uploaded today if you care to check it out!
and it was a good chapter too
7638702 Glad you liked this chapter, and the story thus far! Consider giving the story a like: I wanna break that 20 like mark.
7638711 I tried to give you a few more likes, it wouldn't let me do but the one I already had.
So Wysoka might be what remains of Nightmare Moon?
I really like her genky personality.
7641503 she is a goofy one, thats for sure
More. I want more
7643453 Chapter 5 is chugging it's way down the rails of progress... slowly.
7643459 okay dokay lokay
7643560 hope you've got some napkins ready for when chapter 5 drops.
That escalated really fast, poor Wysoka, I don't think she'll take her past kindly.
Also, we don't get to see what happen at Canterlot, though.
Did Wysoka lose her power to go back into memories?
7691938 Yep. I left that whole thing to the imagination; the story isn't about why or how they're in that forest, the story is about their journey and Wysoka... and I kind of like it that way.
7691964 Well... if I were to explain it within the story; kind of. Her magic, in general, is super broken because of what Luna did to take over her mind and teleport Cadance and everyone else back, but totally lose it forever? No. Maybe like... 5 or 6 months.
This was an interesting story, I liked the way you handle Flurry Heart and Wysoka, the interaction with one and the other are perfect.
However, I feel the story had an abrupt ending, I'm not a good reviewer, but I feel the ending could've done better....
7694403 The abrupt ending was mostly the point. I didn't want it to be long and drawn out where everything is explained; it just ends.
Reviewed this HERE.
Question : why isn't Flurry calling Twilight aunt
7825280 Because I forgot to have Flurry Heart call Twilight 'aunt'.
Christ these chapters are a slog. Which is a good thing in regards to stories like this, in my opinion. It makes the journey feel more real, gives the length and exhaustive nature of the traveling more weight, but still manages to avoid becoming boring or tedious. I remember feeling like this way towards Off The Edge Of The Map, and that story is easily one of my favourites on this site.
Just to let ya know, there's apperently a Flurry Heart tag now.
7859603 Oh, really?
Awww, Nyx is all grown up now. :P
7950702 Never did notice that connection...
Also, this is odd seeing you comment here. Many people don't read this old fic of mine anymore. I guess... thanks for reading it! I look forward to your thoughts once you've finished it. Not my best work, but it's still a pretty neat story.
7950711 Bit of a late reply, but:
I liked the first two-thirds of the story, but I felt the ending was a let-down. Or perhaps the ending was fine, but the rest of the story failed to properly set it up.
My first problem: We spent over 10K words (over a quarter of the story) with just Flurry and her parents, before they meet the Nitzche or Wysoka. It gave me the impression that Flurry was the main character, getting back to Canterlot would be the central problem, and "Why did Cadance teleport them away from Canterlot in the first place?" would be the central mystery. But instead of any of these, the ending focused on Wysoka; Flurry Heart and the rest abruptly teleported back to Canterlot, off-screen; and we only got some inconclusive hints about what they fled in the first place. Ambiguous endings and unsolved mysteries have their place in fiction—but their usage here felt like a bait-and-switch.
If the ending you wrote was the one you were planning from the beginning, then perhaps the parts before meeting Wysoka should have been trimmed a bit. If something isn't important for the ending, put less emphasis on it at the beginning.
My second problem was the cost to Wysoka—though my opinion has been tempered a bit. My initial reaction was that you'd made Wysoka give up her memories, without foreshadowing it, just for the sake of having a sad ending. Upon thinking it over a bit, I realized you actually did foreshadow this: Wysoka presumably used the same teleportation spell as Cadance, which apparently drains the caster's memories if they don't have enough magic power to fuel it.
But (perhaps this is getting into personal preferences) I feel that characters need to earn their sad endings just as much as they need to earn their happy endings. As written, the cost was foreshadowed to the reader but not to Wysoka—she instead gets a vague warning, "What I must do may hurt you," and she doesn't learn what she's giving up until it's already gone. It veers dangerously close to the Bad Things Happen To Good Ponies For No Reason school of sad stories. It would have been very easy to make this ending a proper Tragedy for Wysoka: have Luna explain beforehand the cost of sending Flurry and crew back, and have Wysoka agree to go through with it anyway. Let her prove that she's a good pony by knowingly giving up something she's wanted for her whole (short) life, to help her new friends.
Now, I don't want to be all negative. This story hooked me enough to make me write all those paragraphs after the fact. (If this were just a bad story, I'd have moved on without commenting.) The chapter of Flurry and Cadance lost in the woods was very engrossing, the Nitzche village was an interesting setting, and Wysoka was an endearing character. Even though I jokingly compared her to Nyx, Wysoka strikes me as the more interesting character (based on what I've heard second-hand, because I don't plan on reading Past Sins any time soon).
I liked The Luna Papers enough to check your back catalogue for other interesting stories.