PTHBBT

by Jade Ring

"What does Fluffle Puff eat?"

Ponyville Police Department, 2nd Precinct

Incident Report #087654

Location: 15 Cupcake Lane

Officers Assigned: Silver Shield (Sergeant), Dragnet (Deputy)

Summation: Officers responded to possible domestic disturbance. Upon arrival, attempted to make contact with residents of household. No signs of violence. Door was not answered. After several knocks, Deputy Dragnet heard a crash from inside. Officers broke down the door with acceptable use of force and entered residence to find one individual. Suspect seemed pleased to see the officers but refused to communicate outside of gasps of joy and raspberries. Room showed signs of struggle. Suspect refused to answer officer’s questions except with more raspberries. Suspect ultimately agreed to accompany officers to station for questioning.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////

Sergeant Silver Shield sighed and tapped the folder in front of him once again. “For the last time, miss; we know that you have a room-mate, this…” He checked the folder to make sure he was pronouncing the name correctly. “’Queen Chrysalis, Sovereign Emeritus of the Changeling Race.’”

“That’s a mouthful.” Deputy Dragnet chuckled from his spot next to the door.

The two police officers looked over the cramped interrogation room’s table at the room’s only other occupant. She (at least he thought it might be a she) appeared for all intents and purposes to be a living ball of pink fluff. Only the stubs of four legs and a head at the appropriate place on the body identified the creature as a pony at all.

Her residency form identified her as ‘Miss Fluffle Puff.’

The mare looked down at the folder briefly before looking back up at Silver Shield. “Pthbbt.”

Silver Shield rolled his eyes. “Nothin’ else to say, huh? Well, we’ll see about when the boys from the lab finish going over that apartment of yours with a fine toothed comb.”

“Pthbbt.”

Silver Shield slammed his hooves on the table and glared at the pink ball of fluff. “You better stop blowing raspberries at me, or I swear to Celestia I’ll…”

“Pthbbt.”

Silver Shield leaned over the table, the veins in his neck standing out. “Say ‘pthbbt’ again! Say ‘pthbbt’ one more time, you little mother…”

“Calm down, Sarge.” Dragnet reached for his partner.

Fluffle Puff’s muzzle scrunched up. Her eyes narrowed in concentration. Her whole body trembled slightly.

“I think she might actually be trying to say something, Sarge.”

“Thank the Sun.” Silver Shield muttered. He gestured for the mare to get on with it. “Well?”

Fluffle Puff’s muzzle poked back out. Her tongue slid out. “Pthbbt.”

“AHHHH!” Silver Shield launched himself at the mare and it was only timely interference by his partner that stopped him from physically attacking the suspect. “I’m not done with you!” The stallion yelled, even as he allowed Dragnet to pull him from the room. “I’m coming back and I’ll get you talkin!’ You just wait!”

Fluffle Puff smiled her silly smile. “Pthbbt.”

Dragnet succeeded in getting Silver Shield out into the hallway and closed the door behind him. “Sarge, you need to take a walk.”

Silver Shield steadied his breathing and nodded. “Yeah, a walk sounds like just what the doctor ordered.” He sighed and shook his head. “There’s something about this one, Dragnet. I can’t put my hoof on it.”

“Yeah, she gives me the willies too.” He coughed and turned away. “She’s still mighty cute.”

“You can stow that right now, Deputy. That mare is, as far as we know, the lone suspect in the disappearance of an upstanding citizen of this town.”

Dragnet raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, maybe upstanding is laying it on a bit thick.” Silver Shield adjusted his belt and turned away. “I’m going to see if the lab boys are back. Maybe get a little coffee. You want anything?”

“Nah. I think I’ll try and get her to talk some more.”

“Ha. Good luck with that.”

Dragnet watched his partner go before re-entering the interrogation room. Fluffle Puff hadn’t moved an inch, her rolls of pink fur spilling over every surface of her chair. “You doing okay?”

Flufflepuff pouted. “Pthbbt.”

“Is something wrong?”

As though in answer, the mare’s stomach growled.

Dragnet smiled. “Oh, are you hungry?”

The mare looked at him, a small bit of drool dangling from her now open mouth.

“Anything I can do to help?”

Fluffle Puff’s face lit up and she gasped in joy.

Dragnet chuckled. “I take that as a yes. What can I get for…?”

////////////////////////////////////////////////

Silver Shield used his rump to push open the door to the interrogation room, a cup of coffee held in one foreleg. “Got more than two words out of her, Drag?”

“Pthbbt.”

Silver Shield turned to see that Fluffle Puff was still seated on the opposite side of the table. She hadn’t moved at all.

Of Dragnet there was no sign.

“Hey, where’d the Deputy go?’

Fluffle Puff smiled at him, bouncing slightly in her chair.

“Well?”

“Pthbbt.”

“Oh, not this again.” Silver Shield growled. He set his coffee on the table. “I guess he wanted that coffee after all. I’m gonna have to have a word with that one about leaving suspects all alone…”

“Pthbbt.”

Silver Shield’s eye twitched. “While we’re waiting, I might as well tell you what the lab boys found at your house.” He sipped his coffee. “You see, there was this weird slime on the floor. The boys couldn’t place it. They took a sample and did a DNA test. Can you guess what they found?”

“…Pthbbt.”

“Close.” He laughed darkly. “Actually, the slime has ninety percent Changeling DNA. The remaining ten percent is some kinda… acid.”

A look of discomfort wiped the smile from Fluffle Puff’s face.

“So, I’ll tell you what. You tell me why you killed her, and I’ll see that you get out of the dungeons before all that pink fur goes grey.”

Fluffle Puff shook. Her face scrunched up again.

“Something wrong? Just realize you’ve been caught?”

A dark shape burst from the pink fluff on the mare’s side. It was a stallion. He was coated in a thick slime-like substance that steamed in the cool air. Silver Shield stared in horror as the screaming shape turned to him and stretched towards him even as the acid began to melt his skull.

“HELP ME!” Dragnet shrieked before he vanished back into the endless pink fluff.

Silver Shield spun and bolted for the door. Behind him, he heard a sudden gasp and the sound of something huge and fuzzy launching into the air.

Right before his hoof touched the doorknob, he was surrounded by the hideous warmth of never-ending pink fur.

A tongue caressed his ear, leaving behind a burning slime.

Silver Shield tried to scream.

“Pthbbt.”

Comments

[BlabideeblahMLP]

You just made me like Fluffle Puff even less than I already did. And I hate Fluffle Puff.

[BlokTekZero]

...i can't even.

[B_Munro]

Fluffle Puff is of course a baleen feeder, her hairs constantly sweeping in insects, spiders, small birds, cupcakes...

[D4ftP0ny]

What the actual fuck did I just read..? XD

That was... appropriately terrifying, Jade. Let's never think about that again!

Nicely done, though. *shudders* Ugh, acid...

[Spiritus Arcane]

7553789
Tacos...

[Shakespearicles]

7553842
cdn.meme.am/instances/53532811.jpg

[Rainbowblitz]

7553756 how does one hate thou which cannot be hated

[Yami Vizzini]

Okay then

[BlabideeblahMLP]

7554061 It can be hated, that's how.

[QueenMoriarty]

Mildly unsettling.

[Blue Whirl]

Great. Now I feel like Fluffle Puff is just a ponified Blob.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed this.

[Jade Ring]

7554383 Exactly what I was going for.

[Blue Whirl]

7554609
The 1988 remake scarred me at the age of six. Now, it's just eh.

[wlam]

That twist at the end wasn't really nearly funny enough to make this count as a horror comedy. It was pretty much telegraphed from the first line.

Also, acid eating through anyone's skull sounds like something that really ought to be T-rated.

[Swirling Line]

I was going to say that she eats marsh mellows and magic! Jeez!

That escalated quickly.

[Jade Ring]

7555561 Nah. Think of this like a 1980s kids movie ala Monster Squad or Gremlins. A line of suggested skull melting is okay for the chilluns.

And the comedy tag really comes from the interactions between Silver Shield and Fluffle Puff.

[wlam]

7556198
The point of the E-rating is "something that could reasonably be displayed in the show." I really don't think this would, but I suppose it's low key enough to not be worth the argument.

[MJP]

why did you marry a morphine addict

[Jade Ring]

7556234 I'm sorry? Are you unaware that morphine is the most common of pain medicines given in emergency rooms?

[MJP]

7556393 well in utah it's a banned substance

[ShiningNova]

Pfthbth.

[Dragolord19Delta]

...

I'm not going to get any sleep tonight!

[Biker_Dash]

7562762 neither am I...

[ponyponipon3]

My user avatar and I take unbridled (pone pun! ) umbrage to this story. While it is true that we know very little about the actual nature of fluffle puff, and whereas, yes, her "eccentricities" can be off-putting if not downright bizzare, and admittedly she has shown a decidedly un-pony-like affinity for taco meat, ham, and other carnivorous cuisine, and sure, technically her Big Sis is an undead Dead Space space monster, thats NO REASON to start pointing hooves, Gabby Gums.

And one thing is for darn sure, she would NOT eat Chryssi!
Would she eat Dan? Sure, who wouldn't?
Twilight? Most likely.
Cadance? Obviously
Just about any & everypony else? Yeah, I'd believe that.
But never her one & only bughorse!

So plbbttt.

[Pony Knight]

That was unsettling... I like it

[Lunaluver4ever]

NNNNUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FLUFFLE PUFF WILL NEVER BE A MONSTER, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!
um....excuse my language

[st6nbones]

7691335 YEAH!!!!!!

[PresentPerfect]

I just about died. XD

[Super Trampoline]

Constructive criticism: the part where dragnet try to escape is a little confusing. At first I thought the black stallion was fluffle puffs true Form or something

[WorldWalker128]

This version of Fluffle Puff vs Vorepone.

[Vaguely Demented]

Fluffle Puff wouldn't do that to her bug waifu. Everypony else in town sure. But not bug waifu.