Applejack Moves to Town

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At long last, Applejack moves to Ponyville. But it seems life in the town is not what she imagined.
***
Not related to any other story I've written.
***
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Hasbro.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 9 )

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TheMajorTechie

TheMajorTechie #1 · Sep 4th, 2016 · 1 · ·

BTW,

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Hasbro.

isn't needed in the description. It's kinda obvious already.

Dreadnought

Dreadnought #2 · Sep 4th, 2016 · · ·

7537165
As we say at the office, CYA.

Mythic Night

Mythic Night #3 · Sep 4th, 2016 · · ·

You'll need to add "alternate universe " considering that Applejack was born in Ponyville.

Ri2

Ri2 #4 · Sep 4th, 2016 · · ·

7537258 Eh-heh, not quite...

Dark Fox GT

Dark Fox GT #5 · Sep 4th, 2016 · · ·

Something reminded Rarity of a movie she saw a long time ago.

SilverWarFox

SilverWarFox #6 · Sep 4th, 2016 · · ·

7537258
7537280 it seems that someone has judged the book(Fic) by its cover.

Dragon Master Spike

Dragon Master Spike #7 · Sep 6th, 2016 · · ·

More Applejack on Applejack chaos please!

Striving for Harmony

Striving for Harmony #8 · Jun 10th, 2018 · · ·

This story actually struck me as a self-contained quirky little idea that doesn't really need to be continued. I applaud you for pulling that off in less than 2K words. It certainly did a few things right, but there's also two immersion-breaking moments.

Your narrative is good and wasted no words establishing a scene and character... except for one paragraph. Almost all of the description of the coal-fueled engine is unnecessary except as a somewhat roundabout demonstration that the train uses coal and steam, not pony muscle, to move. If this section were framed as one of many (possibly repeated) idle musings Applejack had used to occupy her thoughts during the long train ride, it might have worked.

The second immersion-breaking bit was one simple sentence:

Her smile widening, she realized she was home….

Everything up to this point tells me just the opposite, that this is Applejack's first time seeing Ponyville rather than reading about it in a magazine. If she's moving here, she should have luggage.

Still upvoted. On to the next.

moonlark