• Published 14th Jun 2012
  • 6,987 Views, 136 Comments

Taken For Grammar - Robotech_Master

Twilight Sparkle corrects Applejack's short story

  • ...

Taken For Grammar

Taken for Grammar

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Story

By Robotech_Master

Author’s Note: To the fellow fanfic-writing brony who inspired this story (you know who you are): I just want you to know that I’m not poking fun at you with this story. I’m poking fun at me.

It was Sunday morning at the Ponyville Library—a generally lazy day; time to take things easy. The library only had afternoon hours on Sunday, to give Twilight Sparkle and Spike some much-needed time off—and a chance to sleep in. As was her wont, Twilight Sparkle awoke a little after ten, having stayed up well into the night gazing into her telescope and charting the planets and constellations.

After telekinetically running a comb through her mane and tail, Twilight trotted downstairs. “Morning, Spike!” she called out. As a baby dragon, Spike tended to fall asleep hours earlier than she, and was consequently up hours earlier, fixing breakfast and tidying up around the place. But this time the library seemed mysteriously empty. “Spike?”

Then Twilight noticed the note Spike had left on the table, next to a daisy-and-watercress sandwich. “Promised to help Applejack today. Back this evening. Here’s your breakfast. —Spike.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow, and munched her sandwich thoughtfully. “That’s funny. What would Applejack want Spike for?” she mused. “He’s too short to pick apples. Well, maybe if you tied some of Pinkie Pie’s balloons to him…” She chuckled at the thought.

After breakfast, since she didn’t have anything else to do that morning, Twilight Sparkle decided to wander over to Sweet Apple Acres and satisfy her curiosity. As she approached the farm, she was intrigued to hear Applejack’s distinctive drawl drifting out of a small copse of apple trees not far from the barn.

“An’ with the Dry Gulch Gang safely b’hind bars, Marshall Law an’ Miss Filly were content t’ trot off into th’ sunset. The end.”

“…the…end,” Spike’s voice echoed Applejack’s final words. As she got closer, Twilight could hear the sound of a quill scratching on parchment. “Got it!”

“Great! Let me see what y’wrote!” Applejack said enthusiastically. Twilight could see them now, seated together beneath the trees. Spike was holding up the top sheet of a stack of parchment for Applejack to peruse.

Neither of them had seen Twilight Sparkle yet, so she stopped a respectful distance away and called out, “Hello, Applejack, Spike! What’s going on?”

Applejack looked up with a guilty start, blushing slightly. “Oh, hi, Twilight! Spike was just helpin’ me with some, uh, accounting fer th’ farm!” Spike nodded agreement, momentarily bearing an uncanny resemblance to a bobble-head figurine.

Twilight smiled. “It sounds more like you were dictating an ‘account’ for him to write down for you. Can I see it?”

“Uh…” Applejack blushed deeper. “Well. It’s, uh, not all that great. Ah’m not ‘zackly any Gluey Lahorse ‘r Zane Grey Mare ‘r anything. Just a story fer the Canternet.”

“I’d really like to read it,” Twilight said. “I mean, if you don’t mind. You know how I am about reading.”

Applejack snorted in embarrassment. “Well…all right. But honestly, Ah know it’s kinda horse-appley.”

“That’s all right, Applejack,” Twilight said, levitating the sheet of parchment out of Spike’s hand and bringing it over to her. “It takes a lot of practice to get good at writing. The important thing is to keep plugging away at it.” She chuckled. “And after last applebuck season, I think if there’s one thing you know how to do, it’s that.”

Applejack laughed self-consciously. “Thanks…Ah think.”

Twilight read aloud: “‘Marshall Law and the Dry Gulch Gang. By N. Cider.’” She looked up. “N. Cider?”

“That’s mah Canternet moniker,” Applejack explained. “’cuz Ah’m in th’cider biz’ness.”

“Clever.” Twilight Sparkle lapsed into silence as she read:

Marshall Law was woken by the shaft of light hitting his eyes as the midday sun peeped over the rim of Bleached Bone Canyon. He’d been thrown down there by the Dry Gulch Gang after he’d caught them in the midst of holding up the Last Chance Salt Saloon in Percheron Falls and trailed them to their hideout. Through the splitting pain in his skull, Law heard the distant buzz of the buzzards who’d spotted him down there and reckoned they’d be having pony for supper. Well, not if he had anything to say about it!

Twilight turned the page and kept reading, eyes flicking back and forth. Applejack fidgeted anxiously, twitching with each turn of the parchment.

“Wow, Applejack!” Twilight said as she finished the last sheet. “This is really good!”

Applejack blinked. “Y’really think so, Twilight?”

“Yes! It was really exciting and suspenseful, and you kept me guessing what was going to happen next right up until the very last moment!” Twilight said enthusiastically.

Applejack grinned. “Tarnation! Thank you, Twilight!” she said. “That means a lot t’me.”

“There’s just a couple of little things that I think ought to be fixed to make it even better,” Twilight said. “For starters, you use ‘woken’ where you should have used ‘awakened’. And you’ve got a few run-on sentences here, and you use passive voice entirely too much…”

“Uh, Twilight?” Spike said, watching the grin slowly fade from Applejack’s face.

Oblivious, Twilight Sparkle telekinetically reached out and snagged one of Spike’s spare quills, and dipped it into the bottle of red ink he kept on hand for corrections. “I’ll just make a few suggestions here…”

“That’s, um, all right, Twilight, y’really don’ hafta…”Applejack began.

“Oh, it’s no problem at all, really! And…done!” Twilight Sparkle floated the stack of parchment back over to Applejack and Spike. As Spike flipped through the pages, it was clear there was now substantially more red ink on each sheet than black.

“Thanks,” Applejack said flatly.

“That’s all right, Applejack!” Twilight Sparkle said cheerfully. “I’m always glad to help a friend!” She nodded to Spike. “See you back at the library!” She trotted off, her work here finished. Behind her, Applejack glowered at Spike, who shrugged helplessly.

The next day, Twilight Sparkle noticed something odd. As she approached Applejack’s apple cart to buy some lunch, she could have sworn that the Stetson-wearing mare’s expression darkened when she looked Twilight’s way. But maybe it was just a trick of the light.

“Hey, Applejack!” Twilight approached the cart, levitating a couple of bits out of her money pouch. “Got any Red Delicious?”

“Jus’ a sec, Twilight,” Applejack said, sliding the bits off the counter into her till. She lifted an apple out of a drawer and plunked it down on the counter. “There’s yer apple.”

Twilight frowned. Was it her imagination, or did Applejack sound annoyed with her? Well, maybe business was bad today. “Thank you, Applejack.” She levitated the apple into her saddlebag and went on her way.

Later that day, Twilight Sparkle was directing Spike in re-shelving the few books that Ponyville’s citizens had returned lately—as well as the considerably more that she had taken down for research herself. “You’re doing great, Spike! I knew that teaching you the Dewormer Decimal system was worth the effort.”

“Yeah, it’s just too bad learning it just led to more effort on my part,” Spike grumbled under his breath. “Why is it that I have to climb rickety ladders to re-shelve everything while the one who can float stuff through the air with her horn gets to supervise?”

“What was that, Spike?” Twilight Sparkle asked.

“Nothing, Twilight!” Spike called over his shoulder.

“I’m going to take a break now and have some lunch,” Twilight said, levitating the apple out of her pouch.

“Yeah, you do that,” Spike muttered. “Hard as you’ve been working and all—” His muttered monologue was interrupted by a crunch behind him, followed by a strangled squeal of surprise. He blinked and turned around. “Twilight? Are you okay?”

“Mmph! Mmph!” Twilight tried to speak, but her mouth was puckered shut. She rolled her eyes, gesturing to the half-eaten apple.

Spike blinked, hopped down the ladder, and came over to examine it. He took a cautious nibble, then stuck out his tongue. “Bleah! Hey, this isn’t a Red Delicious. This is a Jonathan—a cooking apple.” He assayed another nibble. “An especially sour one, too. Wow.” He giggled at Twilight’s still-puckered expression. “You know, your mouth looks like it’s shrunk about three sizes. That’s a change.”

Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes again. “Mmph!” She trotted off to the kitchen to try to rinse her mouth out. It took her a good half hour just to be able to open it enough to let the water inside. Spike supposed she would be getting him back sooner or later for his last remark, but oh well…it had been worth it.

“That’s funny,” Twilight Sparkle said to Spike when she could finally talk again. “I wouldn’t have thought Applejack could make that kind of mistake. I guess everyone must have an off day now and then.”

“Uh-huh,” Spike said. He opened his mouth to say something more, thought better of it, and went back to re-shelving books.

The next day, Tuesday, library business was slow—as it usually was on Tuesdays. Twilight Sparkle wasn’t sure exactly why, but she’d actually researched it once (as she did most things) and learned that Tuesday was traditionally the slowest day for any kind of business. Not that she minded—it gave her and Spike an excuse to take an extended lunch break at their favorite cafe. (Well, Twilight’s favorite cafe, anyway. Spike always complained that it didn’t serve gemstones—but the fact that it was across the street from the Carousel Boutique meant he didn’t complain as loudly as he might.)

They lingered long over their fried hay and daisy-and-daffodil sandwiches—Twilight reading through her latest book, and Spike gazing dreamily across the street to try to catch glimpses of Rarity through the boutique windows. At last, they paid their check and wandered back to the library tree.

Twilight Sparkle’s first hint that something might be wrong was that the “Back At [time]” sign on the front door had been turned around to show “Open” again. By itself, this was not necessarily a bad sign—except that it was on the inside of the door, and could not be reached from outside. “That’s funny. I’m positive I locked up before we left,” she mused.

“You did,” Spike confirmed. “I saw you.”

Twilight Sparkle’s horn glowed as she reached out to give the door a gentle push. It swung open. “It’s not locked now.” As the door opened, girlish giggling and cheers drifted out—as well as the occasional muffled thump of books hitting the floor. Twilight Sparkle facehoofed and groaned, “Oh, no. Please tell me it’s not what it sounds like.”

From inside, three filly voices chorused, “Cutie Mark Crusaders Librarians!

Spike looked at her. “I could tell you that, Twilight, but I think I’d be lying.”

Twilight sighed. “All right. Let’s go see how bad the damage is.”

They entered the main room to find that three industrious young fillies had managed to remove all the books from four shelves, and were working on a fifth. Scootaloo was at the top of one of the ladders, tossing books down to Apple Bloom. The yellow and red filly caught most of them, but occasionally missed one, which accounted for the thumps. Meanwhile, Sweetie Belle was picking and choosing among the books on the floor and putting them back on the first shelf in no sort of order that Twilight Sparkle could readily ascertain.

Twilight faltered, and had to lean against a wall in shock and horror. “What in Equestria are you girls doing?!”

“Eep!” Scootaloo fumbled the latest book she’d just grabbed, and it landed on Apple Bloom’s head with a thump.


“We’re seeing if we can get our librarian cutie marks!” Sweetie Belle said proudly. “Your shelves were just so messy, so we’re sorting the books by size and color so it looks better!”

Marefully resisting the urge to tear out large chunks of her mane, Twilight Sparkle asked, “How did you even get in? I locked the doors!”

“We heard Applejack say you kept the spare key under a loose paving stone!” Apple Bloom said brightly. “And that gave us the idea!”

Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath and counted silently to thirty before opening her mouth again. “If there is one thing I can say with certainty, it is that you are not destined for librarian cutie marks.” She glared at them. “Out! Out!” She managed to say this remarkably calmly, for all that her left eyelid was twitching uncontrollably.

“Okay, okay, we’re going, geez!” Scootaloo said, rolling her eyes and jumping off the top of the ladder to the ground. “C’mon, let’s try the next one on the list!”

“What’s that?” Apple Bloom asked.

“Let me see…” Scootaloo dug a scrap of paper out of a pocket somewhere. “That would be…cheesemaking!”

Cutie Mark Crusader Cheesemakers!” the threesome chorused, scampering down the hall and out the front door.

Twilight Sparkle and Spike watched them go, then slowly turned to face each other, then to look at the carnage. Fortunately, none of the books seemed to be very badly damaged, but the whole section of the library looked like it had been hit by a localized earthquake or tornado. And Twilight Sparkle ruefully regarded the half-full color-coordinated shelf, which juxtaposed titles like Japonyese Stir-Fry Cooking with How to Care for Your Cat simply because they had similar covers and bindings.

“You know, that does look kinda pretty, the way all the colors match,” Spike pointed out. “It’s…going to be a shame to mess it up?” Twilight Sparkle just looked at him. “Yeah, I didn’t think that was gonna work either,” Spike admitted.

“How could Applejack be so careless?” Twilight wondered. “She knows that key is supposed to be a secret. I guess I’ll have to find a new hiding place for it now.”

“Um, yeah,” Spike said. “About Applejack—”

“Not now, Spike.” Twilight Sparkle sighed. “We’ve got a lot of work to do. Why don’t you get started and I’ll go hang out the ‘closed’ sign.” Suiting action to words, she trotted off down the hall.

Spike sighed. “Sure thing, boss.” Glumly, he pulled the ladder over and started taking down books, muttering imprecations against Twilight Sparkle and Applejack in equal measure.

That night, Twilight Sparkle dragged herself out onto her star-viewing platform in the top of the tree. After a day spent cleaning up after the Cutie Mark Crusaders, she felt like nothing more than dragging herself into bed instead. Still, she knew she had to make at least a token effort at astronomy or she would be cross all day tomorrow at the wasted opportunity. Yawning, she adjusted the telescope to see what she could see.

On the streets below, Applejack paused on her way home to look up at the top of the tree, and at the unicorn who was pottering around up there. Her eyes narrowed into a glower, and she rummaged in one of her pannier bags for an apple. She turned around, took careful aim over her shoulder, then tossed the apple up into the air with a quick flick of her neck. As it came down again, she lashed out with one hind hoof, launching the apple along a carefully-calculated trajectory.

The apple clipped the edge of the huge beehive hanging a few feet below the astronomy platform, setting it swinging without seriously damaging or dislodging it. As a cloud of angry bees emerged, Applejack ducked around a corner, then peered back carefully to watch.

Twilight Sparkle gazed through her telescope, adjusted the focus knobs a little with her magic, and looked again. Something looked back at her—something with huge, round eyes. “Ack!” Twilight jumped back in fright, before swinging the telescope around to take a look at the end. “Oh. It’s just a bee! You gave me a…” She trailed off as she became aware that a big dark cloud overhead was beginning to blot out the stars. “…fright?”

It only took a second for Twilight Sparkle to realize what the dark cloud was—largely because it only took a second for the immense swarm of disturbed bees to swoop to the attack. “Ack! Eek! No! Not again!” Twilight frantically dived back into the tree, slamming the door behind her.

In the streets below, Applejack smirked, then turned away to trot on home—only to find her way blocked by a big red stallion wearing a harness collar. In a tone that brooked no argument, Big Macintosh said, “Little sister, all this foolishness has got to stop.”

The next morning, Applejack stood alone on the library steps, knocking on the door despite the “CLOSED” sign hanging prominently in the window. She waited a few minutes, then knocked again. Finally, the door swung open a crack and Spike poked his head out. “Sorry, but we’re—oh, Applejack.” He frowned. “What’re you up to this time?”

“Ah jus’ need to talk to Twilight Sparkle,” Applejack said.

“She’s…not taking visitors right now.” Spike glared up at Applejack. “Something about recovering from full-body bee stings. Don’t suppose you’d know anything about that?”

Applejack hung her head. “Ah…Ah need t’ apologize.”

Spike put his hand to his chin in thought. “All right. Come on in. I’ll see if she’s up to coming down.”

A few minutes later, Twilight Sparkle hobbled down to the living room. Her face was swollen out of shape, and her face and body were dotted with bee-sting cream. Applejack winced and looked away. “Spike said you had something…important to tell me?” Twilight asked.

“Ah do, Twilight.” Applejack looked back at her, then down at the floor. “Ah’ve been kinda…out t’git ya over th’ last couple days. Ever since you…c’rrected mah story. Ah gave y’th’ wrong apple on purpose, an’ Ah let drop how Apple Bloom’n her friends c’d get inta yer library, an’ Ah…” She glanced up at Twilight again and looked down. “…Ah kinda riled up the bees a li’l last night.”

Twilight Sparkle stared at her friend. “But…why?” she asked.

Applejack shuffled her hooves. “Well, when y’marked up mah story, Ah kinda took it hard. Ah already got Rarity on mah case ‘bout mah so-called ack-sent, an’ this was jus’ too much.”

“I don’t understand,” Twilight said. “I was just trying to help. If you don’t have a chance to learn from your mistakes, you don’t get to improve.”

Applejack tossed her head, as if there was a fly under her Stetson that she couldn’t dislodge. “Ah know, an’ that’s what makes it so all-fired hard. Ya meant well, an’ y’were jus’ givin’ me yer honest advice. Ah know a thing’r three ‘bout honesty.” She snorted. “But th’ thing is, Ah’m not doin’ this as an exercise t’ get better. Ah’m doin’ it fer fun. Ah’m pourin’ my heart an’ soul inta what Ah write, an’ havin’ it scribbled all over like that felt like tellin’ me Ah’m not good ‘nuff.”

Twilight Sparkle cocked her head. “So why didn’t you just tell me? You’re supposed to be the Element of Honesty, you know.”

Applejack hung her head again. “Ah…Ah didn’t wanna hurt yer feelin’s.”

“So instead you tortured my taste buds, laid waste to my library, and bombarded me with berzerk bees? Applejack, my feelings aren’t that fragile.” Twilight Sparkle chuckled, taking the sting out of the words.

“Ah couldn’t help it! Ah was jus’ so mad…an’ keepin’ it all inside was makin’ me crazy. It finally took Big Macintosh to knock some sense inta me t’get me t’come down this mornin’.” Then she finally registered Twilight’s tone, and looked up. “But…you’re not mad?”

“Well…I’m a little annoyed,” Twilight admitted. “And Sweet Apple Acres is probably going to get some bills for book repairs and bee-sting cream. But I have to admit, I can see where you’re coming from.” She sighed. “It’s kind of a blind spot, I guess. I’ve been obsessing for so long over learning how to do everything better, correcting every mistake I ever make, that sometimes I get to thinking everyone feels the same way.”

“It’s not that Ah don’ wanna get better,” Applejack said. “An’ when Ah looked at what y’said needed fixin’, it did kinda help things some t’do some’v it. It’s jus’…when y’come in an’ c’rect me on somethin’ so pers’nal, it feels like yer puttin’ me down.”

Twilight Sparkle nodded. “I’m sorry, Applejack. I never meant to hurt your feelings. From now on, I’ll be more careful about forcing my advice onto other people.”

“I’m sorry, too, Twilight,” Applejack said. “Ah should’ve just come out an’ said what was botherin’ me ‘stead a’ tryin’ t’bottle it up. Bottlin’ up works a lot better fer cider than fer feelings.”

“I guess you’d be the one to know about that, since you’re ‘N. Cider,’” Twilight said, and they shared a laugh that dispersed the last lingering bits of tension.

After Applejack had left, Twilight had Spike take a letter.

“Dear Princess Celestia:

“Today I learned that sometimes even the most well-meaning advice can hurt your friends deeply, if it’s about something that’s really important to them—and sometimes those friends won’t let on what’s bothering them because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. I learned it’s not a good idea to keep feelings bottled up like that, because sooner or later they can escape whether you want them to or not.

“I also learned that bee stings still hurt. Ow.

“Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”



Not far away, a cyan-blue pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane and tail hunched over a writing desk made from clouds, pencil gripped in her teeth. She muttered as she wrote: “‘Why Rainbow Dash Kicks More Flank Than You. Chapter One: Rainbow Dash vs. the Invincible Army of Evil.’” She looked up and grinned. “This is gonna be sooooo awesome!

Comments ( 129 )

great story! this needs to be featured!:rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss:

I think Applejack should be the one writing the letter, not Twi... :twilightblush: We all know Twi can get a touch obsessive at times in matters of things academic, but AJ's the one who's bucking bees at ponies for constructive criticism.

Still, nice work on this! To-the-point, but not rushed.

..This could, when edited, be an episode. :P

It can be a difficult thing to get Applejack's accent right. (This is one of the reasons I don't tend to feature her very prominently in my own fics, even though she's one of my top 3 favorite ponies) Give her too light of an accent, and it doesn't read like it's Applejack at all. Give her too thick of one, and it becomes difficult to read what she is supposed to be saying. You were a bit on the heavy side of this line, and it made me stumble over a few lines that shouldn't have been that difficult. Ideally, there should just be enough there to remind the reader that there is an accent, no more.

(Please don't throw bees at me :twilightsheepish: )


And that's why I dislike this fic. Applejack is clearly the instigator of everything that's going on, and is physically assaulting/torturing her friend because she dared to criticize her story, and Twilight is the one that has to learn a lesson?

I'm sorry, but criticism isn't something evil. When someone looks through your story and points out issues, it's not because they hate you personally. They just want to see you improve. It is NEVER right to do what Applejack does here. SHE is the one that had to learn a lesson, not Twilight. It's not her fault her farm pony friend can't take some very gentle critiques.

If, say, Twilight had torn Applejack's entire story apart, stomped on it, and then had Spike incinerate it to purge its evil from Equestria forever, then I could understand AJ's position. But no, nothing she does deserves what happened.

I love the story, and I think it could be an episode, but...
THE AK'CENT WAS TOO THICK. I can't understand ak'cents of this magnitude!

This is one of the first fanfics I ever read, and now it's on FimFiction! Whoo! :pinkiehappy:

748480 We know what AJ sounds like, so maybe instead of "Ah," just write "I." She got more of a slang than an accent, for the most part (like she would say "somethin' " instead of "something," or so I was told), but I don't mind it, really. Here are some help I got for AJ's accent by DPV111:

The thing about Aj is that we all know how she sounds so no author needs to be overly concerned with imparting that. What is important is the way she talks, her phraseology and slang. For instance, a huge mistake many authors make is typing "Ah" when AJ says "I." She's not SAYING "Ah," she's saying "I," so type "I." We know how her drawl makes it sound, but typing an accent phonetically is one of the worst literary mistakes you can make in my book.

But for me, it really doesn't matter.

This is still a funny story, don't get me wrong.

748376 Maybe it would be better if they both learned something? That could be interesting. I think it was meant how some authors here go ape shit when they actually get a critic, and the author here uses the cartoon logic of the show to demonstrate that or something.

Aww, I like stories which would actually fit into the show seamlessly. Its not very often you read a good (read:good) one of those. Good job :twilightsmile:

748582 I concur. Usually throwing in 'ain't' here and there, using words and phrases like 'howdy' and 'what in tarnation', using goin' instead of going, buckin' instead of bucking, etc. makes for the easiest read and gets the point across with no problem, even for characters that the reader doesn't already know has an accent.

That is how I write AJ, Big Mac, Apple Bloom, and other southern characters, and usually that's what I like to see too.

I will say that I am not all that picky though, as long as the phonetic spelling doesn't make me have to stop and work out what is being said, than it's no huge deal.

Anyway, I like this story quite a bit, good job.

Great story bro, I really enjoyed that :pinkiehappy:

I don't mind the drawl, but i do agree with the critique that Applejack is clearly in the wrong on this one. Unless its an ironic shot at web authors that go completely :pinkiecrazy: when someone critiques their work.

Otherwise excellent. You have the tone down pat.

Great! It almost feels like a real episode!

Yup, this does seem like a real episode and sometimes criticisms can get out of hand even if its only meant to help, not hurt, so favorite and thumbs up.

although.....:twilightblush: see um the thing is I don't really know if it fits applejack, she is kind and sweet but not really the sort to hold her tongue, also she is pretty tough so it would take a lot to get under her skin I would say.

Fluttershy on the other hoof.... she is a pony who would be easily hurt by even well intended criticisms and also the sort to want to bottle them up and pretend they are not there, and she is also the sort that rage can boil out of such as when she tried to be more assertive.

The reason I know this is because she and I share a remarkable amount of traits, heck I am even nursing a turtle that was hit by a car back to health after superglueing bits of the shell back together. ( I named her tank btw tf2wiki.net/w/images/thumb/a/ab/Heavy_laugh.png/42px-Heavy_laugh.png not big surprise :rainbowwild:) but also I have wondered how if I ever get around to writing my own stories how I am going get critique since I know I don't take it well even if I really really need it.....

oh and I do think they both should have written the letter,
twilight for being a bit oblivious and of course applejack for letting things get out of control

Wait, what did Twilight actually learn? Shouldn't Applejack have been writing the letter?

this is a vary good story.:pinkiehappy:

as a Dyslexic i have a good idea of how applejack feels. :pinkiesad2:

now make it a real Episode

Saw it was featured. Congrats. :raritywink:

I remember reading this a while back.

I thought (and still think) that it's funny, but I couldn't really enjoy it for the reasons mentioned by InsertAuthorHere(748376). It's a good story, but AJ was so OoC that it almost ruined the story for me. I know it's meant to be comedy, but the things she was doing to Twilight (plus how Twilight had to be the one to learn the leason) just wasn't funny. I think what would have made this funny (in my opinion) is if Applejack did less extreme things to get back at Twilight (in other words, no attacking her with bees and such).

It has its hilarious moments, but I can't say I liked it overall... nor did I dislike it. It was on of those stories I looked at and went "meh".
Obviously not my thing.

Wow! This should be made into an episode!
Loved it! :pinkiehappy:

Applejack was a little bit ooc for me, and Twilight writing the letter is complete bullshit. :ajbemused:
It's an okay story and I enjoyed it. 6/10. Just that this made me hate Applejack more then I already do.

N. Cider? Say that out loud. :derpytongue2:

749721 A fanfic made you dislike the character from a TV show? :rainbowhuh:

749765 No, I already hated AJ. This just made me hate her more.

749786 That's... kinda weird, I'm not gonna lie. That's like hating Pinkie Pie even more because of Cupcakes.

who else would think this would be good episode material?
cuz i do
good story
you get a star and a thumb

749795 Meh, that's just how I work.

749820 Really like your avatar, by the way. I thought I was the only one here that played that game.

749835 Your avatar is pretty great too. Do you play it for Xbox or PS3?

749845 Xbox 360, but I never got the newer version, and I don't have Xbox Live. Awesome game. Did you know that the people behind BlazeBlu and Guilty Gear are coming out with a Persona fighting game?

I feel like I should make a comment about the fic so my comments don't get deleted or something... uh, this could be a sub-plot for an actual episode, and the over the top slap-stick was very funny. I also like how this is pretty much how fan authors react on this site sometimes when they get an actual review. I feel that it would be Rainbow and not Applejack ( I don't think Rainbow is vindictive or anything, but she really likes Daring Doo books, so her writing a fanfic about it would be a cute idea), but this was originally written a long time ago.

"typing an accent phonetically is one of the worst literary mistakes you can make in my book"

I'd have to disagree. It should only be if the accent is a notable part of their character, but if we're treating fanfiction like any other fiction, you must assume people don't know exactly how the character sounds. Writing Ah is no different than writing somethin'-- both are used to denote that a character is very specific in that pronunciation. Similarly, Rarity's affected dahling could be written as such to bring attention to how she avoids the hard 'r', but trying to phonetically write a difference between how Rainbow or Twilight sound would be folly.

tl;dr Writing an accent can be good as long as it's substantial and part of the character. Think Twain. Should be used carefully, though-- don't make it nigh-unreadable unless the character is nigh impossible to understand.

749905 That was a little quote from someone else. I personally don't mind how AJ's dialect is used, as long as it's not from a redneck generator where they add "Fry mah hide!" to the text or something.

749896 Yeah I heard about that. Never played Persona though. I feel like that I have wasted my life because I got 100% completion in story mode on CS.
Trust me, the idea of Rainbow writing a DD fanfic has been done quite a few times.


Trust me, the idea of Rainbow writing a DD fanfic has been done quite a few times.

Oh. Well never mind then.

My god, I remember this fanfic! It was the very first fanfiction for My Little Pony I ever read! :pinkiesad2: Oh my goodness, it was great on that other website almost last year, and it's great now! :pinkiehappy:

This could have been an actual episode, honest to goodness. Good job!:pinkiesmile:


I kind of figured that was the story's intention, and it's not that badly handled. It's just the way the ending is framed that gives me pause.

Again, this isn't a bad story. Far from it. I laughed at some of the things happening to Twilight, and were it not for AJ not really receiving much comeuppance for overreacting to constructive criticism, it would probably have been one of my all-time favorites.

The accent's fine!
This feels like a new episode, by the by, which I'm sure people have already said, but still.

If this is supposed to be an ironic shot at oversensitive fiction authors, then why does Twilight learn the lesson at the end that giving feedback on another's writing is a bad, hurtful thing to do? Shouldn't Applejack have learned the lesson that getting defensive and acting like a jackass when someone criticizes her writing is the wrong thing to do?

Sorry, but the ending kills the rest of the story for me.

I'm tempted to dislike, because this is the worst case of OOC I've ever seen...
Sorry bro, but that's not Applejack. :applejackunsure:

I think I read this before....did you put it on da or fanfiction?

That last lesson is very important. Bee stings are a major cause of injury and discomfort in Equestria, making up 20% of all emergency room cases in the past year. Statistics provided by the Gallop Polls.

Oh, and bottling up feelings is bad, too.

That ACCENT is nearly unreadable if you don't know how to read how a 6-year-old types. :ajbemused:

It ruined the entire story, honestly. That and the fact that Twi' writes the letter? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png Seems legit.

Seems like Applejack got off easy while Twi' is the one that feels like she did something wrong, even though she honestly didn't and AJ is just oversensitive. :pinkiesick:

2/10 for the story for the above reasons.

If everyone hated it, then there wouldn't be 240 likes up at the top. You shouldn't feel that you need to take down your story just because a few percent of the readers disliked it.

I have to admit that I am a little bit amused that the author of a story about taking criticism too hard is, in the comments on said story, taking criticism way too hard! This is not a badly written story. It does have the issues the others have mentioned, namely, that AJ's phonetic spelling is a chore to read, and that the ultimate moral of the story is a bit wonky. That said, your writing is solid, and you rightly can be proud of your work. I enjoyed it. :ajsmug:

I agree with insertauthorhere. This could be an episode if you included letters to Celestia from BOTH ponies. Twilight learns that even the best intentioned critiques can really hurt, and Applejack learns that bottling up frustrations can have severe consequences. Also, I would like to think that instead of Big Mac intervening, Applejack realizes that she crossed a line with the bees, having caused personal injury to Twilight, and has a bit of a "what have I done?" moment.

Harness Collar...you mean yoke?


Personally? You wrote this story. It's well done, it's already popular, and more importantly, it's in the past. I wouldn't change a thing. Enjoy the freedom that comes from letting negativity wash off you, revel in the good, and move on with life. :twilightsmile:

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