• Member Since 2nd Feb, 2016
  • offline last seen Last Friday

Alwaysthatoneguy


There's always that one guy that just ... well, he just doesn't yaknow? No? Well, that sounds like a personal problem

T

Sunset Shimmer is forced to reevaluate each of her core beliefs as everything she once knew comes crashing down before her. Proving painful to deal with all the others around her after her actions, she retreats inwards. Harboring hope to find some kind of reassurance in her own mind, instead she turns to questioning if her own mind is more painful to handle than the outside world. A few nightmares lead her to the few things she had never wanted to have dealings with.


A fun little first draft of a story 100% inspired by This Awesome Story made by This Awesome Author

Not just a first draft but, technically, the first narrative I ever tried writing, so feel free to let me know what you think of my evolving experiment here!

Pleasant days and thanks for reading even a word!

Chapters (20)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 45 )

Pretty good so far, definitely following!
On a side note, the last three paragraphs are walls of text. Try breaking them apart into smaller paragraphs.

It was a good start, but the purple prose and the misuse of synonyms (sanguine, for example), as well as the huge paragraphs, made it a hard read. It may help your laziness if you cut back on that.

Thanks to you guys so much for commenting and criticizing, I really appreciate it! So I had this bar of standards I wanted to meet while writing this, but I wanted to go above and beyond when I started. Which is fine, it went well early on, but then I got lazy like I said, and when you get lazy when trying to go above and beyond you just start pulling crap outta wherever. My biggest hope for this whole experience of this story is to keep myself from getting so lazy after I start something I'm passionate about. I'd like to be passionate about something the whole way through. Thanks again!

7152557 I dunno what you mean by a misuse of synonyms there, that's how I've used the word my whole life. Granted my upbringing may have been, shall we say improper, but I'm curious to hear your side mate. Not harping on your critique but I only just now got around to asking due to, annoyingly, family. I've never thought about myself as a great writer, but I am curious and appreciative, Thank you!

7701635 Whew, this was quite a ways back. I had to reread the story to find out what I was talking about :twilightblush:. Anyway, about the "misused synonyms". What I meant there were words that didn't properly describe the noun it modified. Having read the story again, I actually didn't find any problems with the words you used, except when you wrote about the "sanguine breeze".

Sanguine, as an adjective, means either bloody, blood-red, or very optimistic. None of those can describe a breeze. Perhaps you were referring to the fact that blood is usually very warm, though; you were being very poetic with everything, which was actually my bigger issue with the story.

I saw in your Author's Note that you got lazy near the end. In all honesty, I actually liked the end more than the beginning because your writing was far clearer, less bogged down with big, flowing words describing simple things.

My other issue was the very long paragraphs. I'd chop some of them up into smaller paragraphs; it's easier on the eyes.

Hope this helps. Good luck in your future endeavors :twilightsmile:.

7701763 Now I got you, man, I've just always used the word sanguine as "peaceful" or at least that was the way it was given to me in like middle school English. At least that's what I've always thought it to mean, and I see now that that's not how the word's used. At any rate, and I'm trying really hard to write well right now, I'm finally back into writing and can't wait to get more out! I would've loved to keep going, and I probably could've but my mother brought me down to fix up her house and that went... well, i guess. I'm probably going to need more criticism as I put out the latter parts of this story now that I'm, as they say, rusty. Though I very much thank you for your input! Cheers mate!

Also I meant to ask this many weeks ago, but shit happened, so I look forward to hearing from you in the future! And I'm mildly inebriated so I understand this comment is probably not grammatically correct lol

7702161 You're very welcome! I think there's a word that sounds like "sanguine" that means "peaceful", but I can't for the life of me remember. I'm sure it'll come to me. Until then, I'm looking forward to seeing more.

I liked this chapter. I was kinda disappointed that the part with the storm was just a dream, though. It was really well-written, and I thought it was really happening, which would've been pretty interesting.

Overall, there were a few mistakes here and there, but the chapter was for the most part grammatically correct, so that was good to see. The emphasis on her fault read kinda weird, but it wasn't a huge problem. I also don't think you needed to bold the word worst here--

Sunset could only muster in her mind that this sucked, and that it must have been by far the worst day she had ever been alive for.

--since the bold just serves the same purpose as the italics you've been using.

Lastly, I've seen a lot of stories where Sunset laments the loss of her leather jacket after her defeat, but this is the first story I read where she laments the loss of her boots. Very nice.

7733115 I tend to agree with your comment about the bold, and I suppose that the original reason I put it there was probably because I noticed I was using a lot of italics RIP. Though on another note, the dream sequence was originally meant as a real occurrence, but that changed when I couldn't for the life of me figure out where to go from there and had this little inspiration. Guess I knew I had the right idea at first, but what's done is done, and I'm looking forward to expanding more throughout the world I've designed (which is basically a pile of random drawings and notes on ideas at this point I guess).

However I told much of my family about my ideas for this story and they seem to be keen to share their own thoughts and opinions, so thanksgiving couldn't have been any better timed! I feel that a lot of my work on the next chapter and beyond will largely stem from some of the things they share with me and what we come up with. But on one last note before I head to bed: it was kind of a spontaneous decision to make the boots the ruined attire, and it was only because it seemed to make sense that her footwear would go bad first I think. At any rate I'm glad that you received it well as I thought it was a good idea myself, but I'm looking forward to having zero grammatical errors and more properly relayed information in future writings. And I thank ye for yer thoughts mon ami!

7744697 You're welcome! Yeah, I understand that you couldn't find out where to go from the dream sequence if it were real. I certainly can't think of much other than the standard "one of her friends saves her" plotline.

I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving, and I'm glad your family is supportive of the story. I'm looking forward to more.

I like your story but I'd space out your paragraphs, long ones tend to blur in the eyes of the reader and make it feel like they're reading a wall. How a paragraph is structured can be what turns a reader on or off. Just thought I'd spare some friendly advice.

9345037
I feel the same way about that. Though it's a little awkward to judge the length from the actual story writer to the story's display without switching from edit mode (maybe it's just something set on my browser though, I dunno). Of course looking back on the story after so long I find I certainly have learned quite a lot. Advice is appreciated at any time. Maybe I'll go back and space it better if I feel the energy

9345037
Actually looking back at it now I'll definitely break them up more XD. THEY ARE WALLS. THEY BURN MY EYES.

What does je ne sais pas mean in English?

9345221
It means "I don't know". I wrote it at the time because I didn't know what to call the story. I still don't know what to call the story, but maybe "Well.. Je ne sais pas" could become a major plot point. Or maybe I just can't be creative when I try. The world may never know, probably.

7701763
It took years mate, but I finally chopped it up. My eyes burned reading it before too. :D

9346511
I got worried there, but I never gave up hope! Good to see you back!

9346516
Appreciate the faith! I certainly lost it :DD

Does anyone want to tell me how to do this: – instead of: -- ??

GUYS I CAN'T READ THE DOUBLE HYPHEN AND SLEEP SOUNDLY AT NIGHT. IT BURNS

I see it, I want it to read well ... but a different part of me ... doesn't. I mean, it's hard for me to read, and I wrote the damn thing (at least I did in my memory), as much as I want it fixed I kinda do appreciate seeing this poorer skill give way to a newer understanding.

Yeah, that's all an excuse, you probably figured that out pretty quick. It's just ... so ... daunting ... to imagine fixing ... I won't cry or wine-

Who am I kidding? Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about work QQ T_T ;-; U.U

I would like to take one line here, though, to say: for as poor as this chapter is in parts, it still made my eyes water and gave me a shred of empathy toward this character, so that's good. Not to mention I didn't even catch the symbolism between her boots falling apart in a chapter named Keeping it Together as though she's doing about as well as her boots.

Conclusion: I'll fix it ...





Maybe in another two years.

I know I don't know how Elizabethean (Elizabethaen?) English

Elizabethan.

9582429
You know, that's the simple answer; it would appear I overlooked the possibility. Thank you for the correction and ... is that name a Samurai Champloo reference? Or is there another Mugen whose last name is different from the samurai in that anime? Cool name either way!

9582459
Comes from "the Endless Warlock" a title given to my OC at
one point in his extensive continuity, that stretches beyond MLP.

It can be written with either

{A} 無限 - the pair of kanji that reads "infinite" (synonym of "endless")
{B} 夢幻 - the pair of kanji that reads either "fantasy" or "dream"
{C} ムゲン - the katakana "Mu" "Ge" and "Nn"

I ironically had not heard of any other characters being named Mugen
or even of the fighting game M.U.G.E.N. when I thought up the alias.

"Kagemaru" ( 影丸 ) comes from "Kage" for "shadow" (for personal reasons I will not explain this)
and I saw that "maru" was usually attached to male names.

9582644
That's not just a cool cultural indulgence, but an awesome coincidence! I think my brother, once upon a time, named a character or place in something he was doing, "Kageteyo," which I believe means something like, "Shadowhand" Hence, I've come to really enjoy many aspects of Japanese culture and their lingual system (not to imply I understand it, but I'm learning). Seems great minds think alike! Always cool to hear from other people with similar interests! :D

I don't think any of us here, the ones that actually matter anyway, give a rat's arse how long the chapter is, we're just glad to see an update and will read it when it's up.

I mean, I haven't seen anyone complain about it being too long. And in my opinion it really isn't.

9633463
I'm happy to hear it! 'Cause I always sit down to write, "just a little bit," and it never pans out that way D:

Yeah, sorry, but I'm starting to really hate Octavia here...

9642563
You and me both. No compassion, no restraint, not even the decency to pretend to be polite. It's pretty awful.

This isn’t a bad start! Bit flowery in places, but there’s some nice imagery and the emotion comes through fairly clearly :twilightsmile:

9655143
I'm glad you think so! I feel exactly the same way; I still harp on myself for the excessive nature of these early chapters, but it's a poignant lesson I'm happy to try taking to heart! Of course, it's the plan to go back and remaster all of this once I finish, so enjoy its infancy if/while you can! :D

Hmm, not sure if it’s just ‘cause it’s late as i’m reading this, but I found sunset’s motive here hard to follow—I guess she wanted to get into school early, but I wasn’t too clear on why she wanted that. Maybe it gets cleared up soon?

Unless, now that I’m looking at it again, she just wants to get out of the cold, and would rather break in than risk talking to people?

... risky, but sorta relatable, too

Tavi’s not cutting Sunset any slack—I’d forgotten how much I missed people being pissed at Sunset :pinkiehappy:

A quick note, though:

"Should you not be out there? Say, cleaning your mess perhaps?" Sunset grimaced inside but her expression remained neutral. This was exactly why she didn't want to run into anyone on her way here, for people were certain to do nothing today but annoy her. Octavia spoke again -- impatient curiosity lined her words, "Well? I find it strange that Principal Celestia would not have you get started right away." Sunset dreadfully wished to roll her eyes.

If, like here, you have dialogue and then say Sunset’s name, the immediate assumption is that Sunset’s the one speaking. Here, she’s not, so it’d be a good idea to make it explicit that Octavia’s speaking, otherwise this paragraph and others like it can get pretty messy and hard to follow.

9655702
I can see this particular paragraph being a little awkward as it jumps between perspectives in a strange way, but I was always under the impression that one paragraph meant it was the same person speaking in terms of dialogue? Like, when you switch it implies a switch in who's speaking? Again, this particular paragraph is jumpy and hence confusing, but that's been my impression for a long time.

Ohh, no, I see what you mean. Hmm, I can fix that ... probably. Thanks for the point out!

But, you might as well ... You know, I can't say that. Just- Octavia's something else :D

9655784

Like, when you switch it implies a switch in who's speaking?

This is true! In the paragraph, there are a number of things that imply it's Octavia speaking--the first line of dialogue is harsh and confrontational when Sunset's been sorta the opposite so far, and it just makes sense, contextually, that that first sentence wouldn't be said by Sunset.

But, something to consider is that you don't necessarily want to only imply something, because implications are always slower for the reader to parse than explicit statements, even if there's not much ambiguity. And, here, while it is a pretty strong implication that Octavia's speaking, it's still an implication. So I'd just question whether or not who's speaking is something you want people to take time to think over. For me, that's usually not something I want, so I'd just slap an 'Octavia said' somewhere in there, boom, everyone knows who's speaking, moving on, y'know?

(Side note, but also, yes, a paragraph break does usually suggest a change in speaker... but that's only definite if there're only two people talking, right? If you have a three-way conversation, or maybe someone interjects into a two-person one, a paragraph break almost certainly isn't enough, so being more explicit is, in my opinion, just a good habit in general)

9656248

You're absolutely right! And it is a super important distinction to make that that paragraph-split rule only applies when only two characters are conversing. Either way, if it's not automatically obvious through context who's speaking, I definitely want it to be crystal clean, and -- as you said -- that's as easy as 'Octavia said'.

I do like that Sunset uses the better temperature scale :pinkiehappy:

That description of Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie felt a bit clunky, and probably extraneous just because it just covered stuff that, assuming people have seen and remember the EQG movie, already know.

Another small nitpick: watch how you use 'passed'. 'Passed' is a verb, but in a few places it's used here as an adverb or adjective:

Octavia dully stated as she walked passed the pair without even glancing.

During the passed few days council members and affiliates had been coming to the school to both observe Sunset's progress and review the schedules for upcoming activities.

In which case it should be 'past.'

Story-wise, I think it's interesting that this chapter played out the way it did. Sunset in the earlier chapters seemed pretty keen on making amends for her old actions and moving on from them, so my first thought was that it's strange that she's so reluctant to give the other girls a shot that she'd outright tackle one and bolt--if she wants to be forgiven, those're the people she should be trying to make nice with. But then there's also that sense of pessimism from earlier, where she expresses doubts that she'll ever have people treating her like a person, and indeed, the people tasked with helping her are still quite skeptical, so maybe it does make some sense. One sort of gets the impression that she wants that forgiveness but doesn't quite know how to get it, so when it seems out of reach for the moment she panics rather than think clearly.

9658366
Yeah, I know others all know how the main 5 look and whatnot, but I felt the weird need to make things make sense to even those who haven't seen the show/movie -- something I've not really perfected atm but find a good practice for future works of mine.

On the note of the word 'past,' it was always my impression that the word meant 'existing or related to a previous time'. At least, that's how I've learned it and it quite frankly looks very odd to me to see a line written like, "There was a red building past the blue one." Whereas, of course to me, using 'passed' in that way fits the bill a little more accurately; like, 'to pass' is 'to move beyond' (as in the case of 'passed away') or 'to move from one point to another'. It was always my presumption that we created the word 'pass' to distinguish the quality of something being beyond another thing, or as being transported from point to point, from referring to the actual location of an object or person. Furthermore, less recent dictionaries I have don't include the definition of 'past' as meaning 'beyond' so I infer that people added the definition to dictionaries so to accommodate common usage in people's misconception upon hearing the word 'passed' as 'past' because, when spoken, the two are very difficult to differentiate.

Popular use aside, it still looks very strange and I am irked whenever I see someone write 'past' to denote that something is located farther than another; something being 'passed' another thing just looks cleaner and makes more sense for me. Of course, that's entirely my opinion and I understand that not everyone feels the same way. However, on the note of phrases like, "During the passed few days," either form seems completely sensible. I might be wrong, but that's how I feel.

All that said, it seemed the logical step to me that Sunset would sort of be exhausted after all the work and dealing with the snide attitude of peers (like Octavia) over the week. With Trixie's remark only irritating her farther, I imagine she would just want one or two days to decompress and put together how she wants to proceed, but she then runs into the main 5, they demand her attention, and practically order her to go with them. This would make all those feelings of desired solitude and annoyance (and that whole doubt of being treated like a person) crop right back up and hence make her wanna ditch. In addition, I guess that -- while I was writing it -- I sort of had this implication in my head that she's not sleeping well, so rational thought could easily be compromised :D

Sorry for the novel response xD

The so-called magician's fleering snicker filled the corridors

Ooo, hadn’t heard fleering before! I’ll have to remember that one :raritystarry:

And dang, this got intense! I really like the bit about Sunset subconsciously leading them to the school.

9696407
I gotta use that word more! It's one of the best! :D

Sunset didn't make her wait; she doled out, "Would you ... wanna do this tomorrow? Same time. Same place? Assuming the weather's not ... bad, anyway." like she was dealing cards and stopped a few times to ensure she had the counting correct.

Does anyone else think this is gonna turn into a 'Sunset loves herself' fic? If so, ONWARDS! :pinkiehappy:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!