• Member Since 2nd Feb, 2016
  • offline last seen Monday

Alwaysthatoneguy


There's always that one guy that just... well, he just doesn't yaknow? No? Well, that sounds like a personal problem

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Sunset Shimmer is forced to reevaluate each of her core beliefs as everything she once knew comes crashing down before her. Proving painful to deal with all the others around her after her actions, she retreats inwards. Harboring hope to find some kind of reassurance in her own mind, instead she turns to questioning if her own mind is more painful to handle than the outside world. A few nightmares lead her to the few things she had never wanted to have dealings with.

Author: I dunno how this'll be received. Comments, concerns, criticisms appreciated. I tried to recreate a version of making a whole lot of depth before revealing a character name. I think I got lazy >< just lemme know what you think and anything that may keep me from being so lazy in the future. Thanks for reading!

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 21 )

Pretty good so far, definitely following!
On a side note, the last three paragraphs are walls of text. Try breaking them apart into smaller paragraphs.

Huh this isn't so bad ... :twilightsmile:

It was a good start, but the purple prose and the misuse of synonyms (sanguine, for example), as well as the huge paragraphs, made it a hard read. It may help your laziness if you cut back on that.

Thanks to you guys so much for commenting and criticizing, I really appreciate it! So I had this bar of standards I wanted to meet while writing this, but I wanted to go above and beyond when I started. Which is fine, it went well early on, but then I got lazy like I said, and when you get lazy when trying to go above and beyond you just start pulling crap outta wherever. My biggest hope for this whole experience of this story is to keep myself from getting so lazy after I start something I'm passionate about. I'd like to be passionate about something the whole way through. Thanks again!

7152557 I dunno what you mean by a misuse of synonyms there, that's how I've used the word my whole life. Granted my upbringing may have been, shall we say improper, but I'm curious to hear your side mate. Not harping on your critique but I only just now got around to asking due to, annoyingly, family. I've never thought about myself as a great writer, but I am curious and appreciative, Thank you!

7701635 Whew, this was quite a ways back. I had to reread the story to find out what I was talking about :twilightblush:. Anyway, about the "misused synonyms". What I meant there were words that didn't properly describe the noun it modified. Having read the story again, I actually didn't find any problems with the words you used, except when you wrote about the "sanguine breeze".

Sanguine, as an adjective, means either bloody, blood-red, or very optimistic. None of those can describe a breeze. Perhaps you were referring to the fact that blood is usually very warm, though; you were being very poetic with everything, which was actually my bigger issue with the story.

I saw in your Author's Note that you got lazy near the end. In all honesty, I actually liked the end more than the beginning because your writing was far clearer, less bogged down with big, flowing words describing simple things.

My other issue was the very long paragraphs. I'd chop some of them up into smaller paragraphs; it's easier on the eyes.

Hope this helps. Good luck in your future endeavors :twilightsmile:.

7701763 Now I got you, man, I've just always used the word sanguine as "peaceful" or at least that was the way it was given to me in like middle school English. At least that's what I've always thought it to mean, and I see now that that's not how the word's used. At any rate, and I'm trying really hard to write well right now, I'm finally back into writing and can't wait to get more out! I would've loved to keep going, and I probably could've but my mother brought me down to fix up her house and that went... well, i guess. I'm probably going to need more criticism as I put out the latter parts of this story now that I'm, as they say, rusty. Though I very much thank you for your input! Cheers mate!

Also I meant to ask this many weeks ago, but shit happened, so I look forward to hearing from you in the future! And I'm mildly inebriated so I understand this comment is probably not grammatically correct lol

7702161 You're very welcome! I think there's a word that sounds like "sanguine" that means "peaceful", but I can't for the life of me remember. I'm sure it'll come to me. Until then, I'm looking forward to seeing more.

I liked this chapter. I was kinda disappointed that the part with the storm was just a dream, though. It was really well-written, and I thought it was really happening, which would've been pretty interesting.

Overall, there were a few mistakes here and there, but the chapter was for the most part grammatically correct, so that was good to see. The emphasis on her fault read kinda weird, but it wasn't a huge problem. I also don't think you needed to bold the word worst here--

Sunset could only muster in her mind that this sucked, and that it must have been by far the worst day she had ever been alive for.

--since the bold just serves the same purpose as the italics you've been using.

Lastly, I've seen a lot of stories where Sunset laments the loss of her leather jacket after her defeat, but this is the first story I read where she laments the loss of her boots. Very nice.

7733115 I tend to agree with your comment about the bold, and I suppose that the original reason I put it there was probably because I noticed I was using a lot of italics RIP. Though on another note, the dream sequence was originally meant as a real occurrence, but that changed when I couldn't for the life of me figure out where to go from there and had this little inspiration. Guess I knew I had the right idea at first, but what's done is done, and I'm looking forward to expanding more throughout the world I've designed (which is basically a pile of random drawings and notes on ideas at this point I guess).

However I told much of my family about my ideas for this story and they seem to be keen to share their own thoughts and opinions, so thanksgiving couldn't have been any better timed! I feel that a lot of my work on the next chapter and beyond will largely stem from some of the things they share with me and what we come up with. But on one last note before I head to bed: it was kind of a spontaneous decision to make the boots the ruined attire, and it was only because it seemed to make sense that her footwear would go bad first I think. At any rate I'm glad that you received it well as I thought it was a good idea myself, but I'm looking forward to having zero grammatical errors and more properly relayed information in future writings. And I thank ye for yer thoughts mon ami!

7744697 You're welcome! Yeah, I understand that you couldn't find out where to go from the dream sequence if it were real. I certainly can't think of much other than the standard "one of her friends saves her" plotline.

I hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving, and I'm glad your family is supportive of the story. I'm looking forward to more.

I like your story but I'd space out your paragraphs, long ones tend to blur in the eyes of the reader and make it feel like they're reading a wall. How a paragraph is structured can be what turns a reader on or off. Just thought I'd spare some friendly advice.

9345037
I feel the same way about that. Though it's a little awkward to judge the length from the actual story writer to the story's display without switching from edit mode (maybe it's just something set on my browser though, I dunno). Of course looking back on the story after so long I find I certainly have learned quite a lot. Advice is appreciated at any time. Maybe I'll go back and space it better if I feel the energy

9345037
Actually looking back at it now I'll definitely break them up more XD. THEY ARE WALLS. THEY BURN MY EYES.

What does je ne sais pas mean in English?

9345221
It means "I don't know". I wrote it at the time because I didn't know what to call the story. I still don't know what to call the story, but maybe "Well.. Je ne sais pas" could become a major plot point. Or maybe I just can't be creative when I try. The world may never know, probably.

7701763
It took years mate, but I finally chopped it up. My eyes burned reading it before too. :D

9346511
I got worried there, but I never gave up hope! Good to see you back!

9346516
Appreciate the faith! I certainly lost it :DD

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