How I spent my Spring Break: From One to Three

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Comments ( 12 )

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detectivebrony

detectivebrony #1 · Feb 13th, 2016 · · ·

What website did you find the cover page on?

Holocron

Holocron #2 · Feb 13th, 2016 · · ·

6929907
I got it from the requester, and then had to modify it to be suitable for FimFiction.

Ebony Stallion

Ebony Stallion #3 · Feb 13th, 2016 · · ·

6929907 Yeah, I'm the one who had the cover art made. It's not available publicly, but it's made by FenRox of DeviantArt, check him or her out.

Koekelbag

Koekelbag #4 · Feb 15th, 2016 · · ·

Me gusta even more.

However, there were a lot of tiny errors that sometimes broke the flow a bit, mind if I point them out?

Holocron

Holocron #5 · Feb 15th, 2016 · · ·

6939865
Sure, if possible, I'll correct it.

Koekelbag

Koekelbag #6 · Feb 19th, 2016 · · ·

6939874 Okay, here's everything I noticed:

and all i

Capital I

the prefect pillows

perfect

i was

Capital I

stroking my off

Either 'me' or 'my [insert synonym for penis]'

I hard more

had

a large H Spring Break

Meant 'a large H last Sping Break' or something?

I'll get my friend

friends

Was I could reply

Was all I could reply

her coat i thought

Capital I

those sex women

sexy

the grove

groove

against the tops of my shaft

Curious how a penis would have multiple tops, no?

against the each other

Not sure why the "the" is here.

like something was being closes

closed

Their tongues dances and flicked

danced

Rainbow's read

rear

oh no, If I

Either "oh no. If I" or "oh no, if I"

Gild

Found this twice, seems like a weird nickname...

as their continued grinding into each other.

Replace "their" with "they"? Sentence doesn't really seem complete otherwise, like it got cut off midway.

Faster and hard,

Harder would be the logical word... although I suppose this also works.

the two of use

Trixie couldn't speaking,

speak

to caress the red imprint on her as,

ass

in a hard piston action, all while aggressively

Maybe that's just me, but I would write "all the while".

her rear was read

That's... special... or just "red".

The sudden pinch and clasping feeling my beak gave Trixie that last push she needed.

Feels like a verb is missing... or add "feeling of my beak"

i was going

Capital I

deeper and deeper and she

Would have expected "as" instead of "and"

lift her a little

lifted

As soon as I finish

finished

I break the kiss

broke

Gida

Gilda

Though with the bed occupied by both Gilda ad Rainbow Dash

This one is pretty weird, since you wrote that "Rainbow was probably dead asleep in the spare bed"... though I wonder why there are 2 beds in the master bedroom?
Or you meant "with the beds", that would work... again, if there are 2 seperate beds in that room at all.

But I don't think they girl

the girls

a similarly think rainbow colored bikini bottom.

...thick?

It covered her body, but only her none naughty bits.

...wich would mean that her tits and pussy are naked for all to see, which isn't what the next sentence says.

Wally1988

Wally1988 #7 · Mar 16th, 2016 · · ·

This story was so freaking awesome dude I can't believe you literally blew my mind I hope there's a sequel to this one too because after reading the ending I am dying to know what's going to happen to eclipse