The Rope in the Closet
I should just do it today and get it over with . . . .
Fluttershy stared at the rope dangling in the closet, fashioned into a neat hangman’s noose. She stared at it longer now than she ever had before. The desire to use it had built up every day since she was a little filly. Every day seemed to be worse than the last, and every night ended the same way. Every night, she’d do her chores, tuck in her animals, and right before bed, she’d open up her closet and try once again to make the biggest—and the last—decision of her life.
Every instance of pain and misery stemming from her anxiety and depression made her come back to the rope in the closet. Even what she thought was the greatest day of her life, discovering the world on the ground and getting her cutie mark, had come after an event that could have stopped her from getting it in the first place. She had very nearly died that day, all because she couldn’t fly. She was always slower than the other Pegasus foals, and had only learned how to stay in the air that day. She didn’t learn to fly longer distances until months later.
It looks nice and tight today . . . .
And then there was the teasing. The relentless, cruel teasing that had been like a million needles in her heart. Every time she’d felt weak, worthless or unloved, it all sprang back to her mind, unbidden, after years of trying to live it down. She heard their words seize her from within her subconscious, trying to throttle her from the inside out. “Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy can hardly fly!”
I’ve taken such good care of it. I hope it won’t snap when I drop . . . .
Moving to Ponyville hadn’t made things much better. Since adopting Angel, she just had one more reason every night to stare at that rope in her closet. Angel was a mean, selfish, abusive troublemaker on his best days. He never ate the food she gave him. He always demanded special orders. And when he didn’t get his way, he’s throw things, kick things, and even hit Fluttershy. Nothing she did was ever enough for him. It was a textbook example of an abusive relationship—in spite of all he did to her, she didn’t want to lose him.
I wonder if anypony will notice. I wonder if anypony will miss me . . . .
Unlikely. She’d made her share of mistakes, mistakes she could never forgive herself for. She’d made that friend of Rainbow Dash’s, Gilda, mad at her. She’d unleashed a Parasprite swarm on the whole town. She’d made Rarity jealous of her glamorous, though short-lived, career as a model. She’d gotten a taste of what being a bully was like, and made two of her closest friends cry. That wouldn’t be the first time she’d become a monster; a bat communication spell and a magic comic book had brought her hidden rage to the forefront, and both times, her friends were at risk because of her. She’d kidnapped Celestia’s royal pet. She’d ruined Nightmare Night. And even though she’d tried her best to reform him, Discord had still betrayed her.
She’d blamed herself. She always blamed herself. Even when it wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t see it that way.
I just hope they aren’t too bothered when they find me in the morning . . . .
And then there was Rainbow Dash. That horrible, selfish, bullying excuse for a friend had given Fluttershy a new reason to hate herself every day since they met up again in Ponyville. So she was shy. So she liked animals, and so she preferred their company over ponies. So she was anxious and nervous most of the time. Was that any excuse to bully her? To coerce her, physically, emotionally or otherwise, to do things she didn’t want to do? She’d had bruises under her fur from the Crystal Faire Jousting event for weeks. The thought that Dash had taken any time to think about essentially trading Fluttershy away for a book made her shiver every time. Just her mentioning the Dragon Migration gave her nightmares that night.
Nightmares . . . night . . . yes, that had been the worst of all.
She laughed at me . . . .
Fluttershy had wanted so badly and tried so hard to join her friends for Nightmare Night. She’d done everything she could to make it work. But all Dash could do was complain; she’d been groaning and rolling her eyes most of the night. But when it had been suggested that Fluttershy try being scary . . . .
Why didn’t I do it then? Why did I wait for so long?
At one point, Rainbow Dash was her greatest champion. Whenever she’d been bullied, Dash was there. Whenever she’d needed help flying, Dash was there. Whenever Fluttershy needed a friend, without warning and without hope for reward, Rainbow Dash was there. But nowadays, she was just as bad as the bullies who’d tormented her as a filly. In fact, she was worse.
Why? Why doesn’t she care anymore? I thought she was my friend . . . ?
Obviously, Rainbow Dash just needed a more pathetic pony next to her all the time, so she could look better by comparison. It was just one thing that made it stay and hurt her, burn her, poison her inside and kill her little by little every day. And nopony else knew what it was like. Rarity and Applejack were always too busy to talk to. Pinkie could never understand. And Twilight had better things to do with her time—she was Equestrian royalty, after all. And not even Discord’s magic could keep it at bay for very long. It would always be there. And it would always haunt her. That feeling of doubt, self-loathing, inner turmoil. The feeling that she wasn’t good enough.
So why am I still here?
Fluttershy often thought back over her life to see what’d she’d done that was so important. Most of the time, she’d come up empty, but tonight was a rare night. She’d sent that dragon away when it was polluting the air in Ponyville. She’d saved her friends from a manticore, a cockatrice, and Cerberus. Without her, Cloudsdale wouldn’t have gotten that hurricane water it needed, and Ponyville may have been damaged in the meantime. Her limited stealth skills had helped against both Trixie and Starlight Glimmer. She’d helped the PonyTones attend their various gigs, and had learned to break out of her shell on stage. She’d helped the Breezies get back home. She’d helped make peace between the Hooffields and the McColts. And because Discord was now firmly set on changing his ways, she must have done something right with him.
But it doesn’t matter. Anypony could have done those things. Applejack is just as good with animals as I am. Rainbow Dash is a great flier, so she could have made that hurricane work without me. Rarity could have just as easily snuck around to help us beat Trixie and Starlight. They could have gotten anypony to help Big McIntosh lip-sync until his throat got better. And if I hadn’t kept them in the first place, the Breezies would have gotten home safely and on time. And Twilight’s a diplomat. She could stop a whole war if there was one. And Discord betrayed us once. Even I can’t stop him from doing it again.
I’m not worth anything to anypony . . . .
Without thinking, Fluttershy reached out for the rope, slipped her hooves into the noose, and brought it to her, sliding the noose carefully past her mane and around her neck.
I’m a coward . . . and a failure . . . and a nopony . . . .
She tightened the noose, fastening it over her neck, not bothering to move her mane.
Rainbow Dash isn’t my friend anymore. She doesn’t want a wimp like me for a friend . . . .
She stepped inside the closet, on top of a large box.
I don’t deserve to be the Element of Kindness. If anything, I’m the Element of Worthlessness.
She checked the rack inside, made sure the rope was tied tightly, and held nice and securely between the coat hangers.
Nopony would miss me . . . .
She turned and faced the outside of the room.
Nopony would care . . . .
She stood on her hind legs, struggling to keep balance.
I deserve to die . . . .
She took one step off the box, and . . . .
KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!
Fluttershy quickly tore off the rope, jumped out of the closet, stuffed the rope back behind her hanging clothes, and slammed the doors of the closet, backing into it with forelegs spread as if covering up a government secret. She glared at the front door, feeling her face burn, and prayed for whoever was there to think she was sleeping and trot away.
No such luck. KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK! “Fluttershy! It’s me, Rainbow Dash! I know it’s late, but it’s kind of an emergency!”
Fluttershy felt her heart drop, and the back of her head hit the closet door behind her. Her hind legs shook under her, but whether it was out of fear or rage was unclear. Why didn’t I just do it? Why didn’t I do it in time? She could have found me. Then she’d know how badly she hurts me—
“Fluttershy, come on! I can hear you moving around in there! Please, it’ll only take a minute!”
Fluttershy’s face twisted up in a pained knot of emotion, she took a deep breath, held back her tears, and walked to her front door. Opening it, she indeed saw Rainbow Dash standing on the other side. She held a small tortoise carefully in her front hooves.
“Tank fell out of bed,” Dash explained, holding up her pet, shell facing Fluttershy. “Do you think you could look him over, make sure his shell isn’t cracked or anything?”
Fluttershy eagerly took Tank from Dash as she heard this, but for a moment, she stopped and thought carefully for a few seconds—something was amiss here. “Uh, Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah?”
“Umm . . . Tank lives with you, doesn’t he?”
“Well, of course! Why wouldn’t he?”
Well, um . . . he sleeps in your bedroom, right?”
“Sure does!”
“And your whole house . . . well, um . . . it’s made of soft fluffy clouds, isn’t it?”
Dash suddenly had a look of sheepishness plastered on her blue face. “Uhh . . . w-well, y-you know how much I worry about him, right?” she stammered, recovering. “I, well, I just wanted to make sure he was all right. M-maybe it’s nothing, but I just wanted to be sure, and you’re the animal specialist, right? I mean, not many ponies know how much I . . . care about . . . my friends . . . s-so, yeah, uh, that’s the thing . . . .”
Fluttershy gave a quick sigh and inspected Tank’s shell. Slowly, his tiny wrinkled head swiveled around and looked back over his shell, and the contented terrapin grinned at Fluttershy as if to say, “Hello, my friend.”
“Hello, sweetie,” Fluttershy answered his wordless greeting, smiling back at him. She gently pressed her hooves against Tank’s shell, feeling around for any breakage. She scrutinized the tough green exterior, and saw not a flaw in place. “You really take care of Tank’s shell, don’t you?”
“I polish it every morning!” Dash exclaimed proudly, rubbing a hoof against her chest and blowing on it.
Fluttershy looked at Tank’s belly for any abnormalities, and could find nothing. She looked along his front and back legs: nothing. She inspected every crevice on his wizened head, making him giggle slightly when it tickled, and still nothing was wrong. Through with her inspection, Fluttershy held Tank up to face her. “You’re going to be just fine, little sweetheart,” she assured him, patting his head. Tank merely grinned back, seeming to be glad of such a prognosis.
Fluttershy extended her hooves, and Dash took Tank back. “Glad to know you’re gonna be okay, little buddy!” Dash cheered, hugging and nuzzling her reptilian friend. She then looked up at her fellow Pegasus and smiled. “Thanks a lot, Fluttershy. I’ll come back with Tank in the morning for another look, just to be sure. That cool with you?”
“Of course,” Fluttershy replied. “If Tank ever needs anything, just let me know, okay?”
“Okay . . . uh, Fluttershy?”
“Yes?”
Dash hesitated, her face screwed up in effort as she tried to find the words. “You’re . . . you’re my friend. Okay?”
Fluttershy stared back at Dash, bewildered by such a random statement. “What?”
“You’re my friend. I just wanted you to know that. In fact, you’re my best friend. And I’d do anything for you. Don’t ever forget that. Okay?”
Fluttershy could feel the tears coming back, but she dared not show them in front of Rainbow Dash. “O- . . . okay. Thank you, Rainbow Dash.”
“Anytime. See ya tomorrow, okay?”
“Um, okay. Good night.”
“Good night!” And with that, Rainbow Dash closed Fluttershy’s door, and took off toward the night sky, heading home to bed.
Fluttershy walked back inside, stopping in the middle of the room, and stood there for a good few minutes. You’re my best friend, she had said. After all the pain she’d caused, all the things she’d said, all the callous ignorance of her broken feelings, she still had a mind to come out in the middle of the night and say that. Tank falling out of bed was a complete lie. There was no mistaking that. So she came out here tonight just to . . . say . . . to say that . . . I’m . . . .
She couldn’t hold it in anymore. Feeling her legs give way underneath her, Fluttershy dropped to the floor and sobbed. She hid her face in her forelegs and cried and cried, each sob squeezing the air out of her body only for it to be let back in with each heaving breath. Her tears stung her eyes, and her chest felt as though it would implode. Nothing made sense anymore.
She hurts my feelings . . . and she laughs at me . . . and she makes me do things . . . and I’m still . . . I’m still her . . . .
It was a hellish struggle just to form cognitive thought. The pain in her heart was too much for her. Her mind, steady as she tried to make it, was psychological whirlwind, spinning her and confusing her and making her tummy hurt.
I’ll just do it tomorrow night . . . .
She couldn’t use that rope now. Not after what just happened between her and Rainbow Dash. Not after this vague new feeling of self-worth began to throw her mind completely out of balance.
I’ll do it tomorrow . . . maybe . . . if she doesn’t hurt me again . . . maybe . . . .
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6681490 I started on this long before tonight. Tonight has nothing to do with it. I don't care for your incorrect assumptions.
You are gonna have a bad time now...... Oh hell yeah. Me and you are gonna share this hell.
6681507 Not to be rude or nothin', but he never explicitly said it was about tonight.
And, well...if you're gonna try to tell us this story has nothing to do with your personal feelings I'd have to call BS.
6681521 I honestly don't care anymore. People are going to hate what I write anyway.
6681524 I really don't care what you think. It's a story. It's not a dead body. SO either comment on the story itself, or you can fuck off.
Why does it say 0 views but has 9 dislikes?
6681528 Look, I don't wanna be mean or nothing, but this is really getting ridiculous. You clearly need professional help. Again, I'm not being mean, I'm honestly concerned at this point.
6681537 Because I'm the most hated writer on this site, that's why.
So this story is based on this negative side of you. I want the positive side of you to be back, so does Harms Way and MrSp33dy123.(hugs you) Also, I done something I should've done a long time ago, upvote each of the stories of the Steam collection.
6681537 That's an excellent question really. Maybe other people downvoted without having read it, but I made sure to read through it.
6681539 I wrote "One More Dance" a multi-chapter story in which suicide is a major plot point and the OC is basically a self-insert, and no one said a fucking word. I've needed help for longer than you think. It just took a shorter time for you to connect it to a story this time.
Though I know this story is a blatant self insert, the idea is pretty interesting. Rainbow Dash can be pretty rude sometimes, and it's easy to imagine that Fluttershy would take it too seriously. In summary, I got mixed feelings for this story.
6681543 that is vary untrue. . .
6681528 Your stories are the reason I followed you!
6681543 And you are one of my favorite writers on the site! Don't leave us!
6681558 Thanks for the favorite.
6681556 Okay, that's fine. Just because it's happened before doesn't make what I said any less true. In fact, that kind of supports my argument when I say you need help.
I really don't want to jump into something that is obviously occurring well before this story's posting date, but...
There is no need to let the opinions of people online have an effect on who you are as a person in real life. You have people in your real life that you can talk to, can interact with, and bond with. Everything that you see is nothing but a bunch of ones and zeroes.
For the love of God, don't let what people say about you online make you upset, miserable, proud, or anything. You give what you give, and then, you simply let it go. Don't let this internet collective take precedence over those whom you can truly connect to.
6681543 lel, your name isn't RealityCheck
6681581 On my worst days, he's a saint compared to me.
6681556
And yet you deny help anyway? So how are we supposed to help you? Leave you alone? That seems counterproductive.
I don't give a shit what anyone else says, this is real, right here.
I love this.
#feels
6681596 Thank you.
6681524 Dude, not cool. Really, this sounds like you have some personal vendetta against Lightning.
6681621 Him and Lightning butt heads all the time from what I've seen. A lot of the time Lightning likes to make blog posts that basically tell his followers to go attack Soaring. Some of his followers have told Soaring to kill himself.
6681621
I like how you say that. LS said the same thing months ago, and I told him I don't. So here's the same response to you. I'm tired of him being depressed and suicidal. Hence why I downvoted this fiction, and hence why I spoke out about his behavior. He has denied help for so long and yet he asks for it every time.
To me, this is counterproductive, and he needs help.
Plus 6681630 this.
6681630
I have done no such thing and I resent the insinuation. I was asked to delete a blog post that was aimed at Soaring, but was in no way offensive or called for an attack on him. But it was seen as an attack, and I didn't want to argue with someone who could get me banned.
6681632 That is not to say I believe you have or had any vendetta against Lightning. I've seen your posts in The Writer's Group. You seem like an intelligent guy. And I have read some of your stories and enjoyed them.
I... used to be blunt too. In fact, I have a friend who is very much like this. He won't stand for such depression, and would rather speak out against it, vividly, than, say, give soft words, like another friend of mine. To my credit, I side more often with the former, because I believe he is ultimately right.
Hopefully, I didn't come off as offending or anything. I was noting what I perceived as an observation, and I now see that it was erroneous in nature. I apologize in full.
6681630
What?
When?
I'd like you to go through Lightning's blog posts and find me one example of such a thing happening.
If, and when, you fail, carefully do your research before basically attacking someone.
6681632 Yeah, if you need help, get help. Sitting around complaining about it isn't productive. You can't move forward if your complacent with the bad.
6681651 I appreciate you stepping in on my behalf, but you don't have to do that for me. I do thank you for the favorite, though.
6681639
Yeah, you were asked by someone else, not me, since you blocked me before I could even defend myself.
Also, I call bs on the second half. I can't get you banned, I could only get you banned from a group forum, which you raged about in two different forums and did not even want to discuss the details with me. Instead, you resorted to blocking and get your followers (on their own behalves) to threaten me with death and other great threats. You're lucky I'm a good sport and not only laughed at the responses, but did not report a single one of those people. Dragging it onto them would do nothing but cause more problems, but look where we are, back at stage one.
6681651
I like how you act as if I am attacking someone, or even care about this little argument. I was merely stating information that I have obtained through undisclosed sources. I cannot fail when I am not involved, it is merely the information that has failed.
6681639 Why are you giving the internet so much power over you? You have no idea whether or not either side is sincere or is simply here for the ride.
Go outside. Reconnect with the people around you. You have a family. They do not see you as a burden. That is literally why they are your family.
Stop putting your sense of value in the texted opinions that you see. I know it seems paradoxical, since this is coming from an internet voice, but just set down the laptop, go into the other room, and ask your family how their day went. Listen to them. Let them talk to you. You will be surprised how much better just listening to someone makes you feel, as well.
6681667 You're right, I didn't have to.
But, I wanted to.
A true friend helps their friend in need, no matter how big, or how small the issue.
And, about the story, it's actually quite good. I like the prospect of seeing Rainbow Dash as a possibly bully, and how the things Fluttershy has done wrong, and the ending really tugged at the heart strings.
The realization of what Fluttershy goes through almost brought a tear to my eye (I'm someone who it takes a lot to cry)
It was beautifully written, and stories like this are part of the reason I follow you.
Ya know, this fic is really good. . . I enjoyed that, hope you feel better man.
6681687 I said basically.
I just don't like it when your info is faulty, and non-existent. I still ask you to look through his blogs and find me one instance of the information you suggested.
6681672
I wasn't talking about you. Yes, for once, something isn't about you.
What was I supposed to do, come up to you with my tail between my legs and let you keep harassing me? I wasn't in the mood for your bullshit then,. and I'm not in the mood for it now.
That is a vicious lie and you goddamned well know it. Yes, I blocked you, but I will say this once more, and only once more:
I NEVER ASKED ANYONE TO ATTACK YOU!! EVER!!
I never wanted anyone to go after you. Just because they acted on my behalf doesn't mean I was holding the leash. I don't condone what my followers did at all.
Stage one was when you didn't know I existed. That's the stage one I'd prefer. I won't discuss this in story comments anymore. So, if you have a comment for the story and ONLY the story, leave it and be on your way. Either way, I'm strongly considering blocking you again. You may want (or may have wanted) to help, but this kind of help is the last thing I need. Either read and comment on what you read, or back off. Now.
6681699
6681707 Thank you. I truly appreciate it.
6681722 Please. Read.
6681733 your welcome, have a nice day/night
6681733 Of course, my friend.
I hope you feel better, and I look forward to whatever you write next.
... I read your story and I thought it was well-written. I don't like the idea of Fluttershy killing herself, but I thought you handled her situation pretty well. You're a very good writer.
I will leave you with an upvote.
6681720 I would but who has the time to dig through 200+ blogs than can easily be removed whenever the author wants them to be? I think I'm going to take this time to duck out of the argument and go back to playing Fallout 4.
6681759 I have the time.
6681722
I must be mistaken then, since your words since the TWG debacle by the messages you sent me were:
I'm sorry, but you make it so hard to tell who you're referencing. Use proper nouns.
You could've just been civil and replied calmly, but you resorted to be whiny and unfair. That's not cool in my book.
Also there's that word again. Harass. Do you even know what that word means? I'm wanting to help you, but I guess leaving you alone to kill yourself is how this is going to happen. Good job on killing that motivation. Instead, let's go to ground zero. I'll give up first, then eLLen, then who? You're digging yourself a mighty fine hole that only those who will bear to stay with you will be with. I hope you're fine with that.
Reminder to all those who read this: helping = harassing. Good distinction.
You don't need to ask. Just dropping my name was enough.
Stage zero, not stage one. Because stage one was where we met. Sorry to tell you what stage zero is.
6681753 Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the follow.
6681772 Fine. Then go back to Stage Zero and leave me alone. And keep your author trashing out of my story comments.
"Hey guys, I acted like a jackass and hurt my friend's feelings, let me project that onto Fluttershy even though it's not only entirely OOC, but childish too!"
- You, 2015.
Seriously, don't make a character OOC just because your feelings are hurt. You're a better writer than that, man, I know you are.