• Member Since 30th Aug, 2015
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Lighttone GryphonStar

I write stories because I enjoy them. I want to do better and am willing to take any advice to improve.


This story is a sequel to Twilily Saga: Endless Time, Or Forever End.

Going back in time to fix the future, Twilight must work with an immortal creature called 'F' to save Starlight during the time of Nightmare Moon's rise. Look into the world that was hidden from Twilight, where she not only encounters ancient evils but must stop the "Greatest Evil" from claiming the power of God. Here lies the ancient past, the unseen present, and the damned future.

Note: The prequel is not required to read this. Because I fill any gaps as we go.

Proofreaders: Hail King Sombra, mikemeiers

Cover Artist: Sakura

Part of the Twilily Saga and a part of my Darklightverse.

Extra Tags: Grogar, Zeb. Selena Moondie, Cult Race, and many more.

Chapters (21)
Comments ( 13 )

no just leave the stupid bitch there twilight

7988524 But don't you want the future to be fixed?

Here are my impressions of the Prologue and Chapter 1:

With this story, the reader is plunged into action even before the story starts. A good hook, indeed. Still, some basic exposition could be given in the first paragraph, as some of the things aren't clear. Who's side Discord is on. Why were there flames in the sky? Since they were all on the ground, why weren't they interacting; or were they on different places?

We have some tell cases which could be played to a bigger impact if they were more showy. For instance:
“No, Luna...if only I could move my legs,”
Could easily be written like:
He jumped back on his legs, but they didn't carry him. Blood rushed out of the wounds as he crumpled back to the ground.

For a paragraph we jump onto another city, then back again in another paragraph. That's a big transition to swallow for a reader in such small time.

We get some, plot holes plot fuzziness here and there. For instance:
The ending of the fight makes one wonder why all the fighting thus far was about if there was an as of such magnitude in the stallion's arsenal. Why couldn't he start the fight with the 'I win' attack?

In the end, Celestia picks up a Redsting's leg, yet it's some crystal that glows. One would also assume that since a demonic laughter could be heard, Celestia would be the first to hear it. Yet, we don't see any of her reaction to it.

Chapter 1:
We're introduced to Luna's turmoil, but we're not given the information what it was about. By knowing the struggles of a character, we could get a glimpse into the character herself, but this opportunity was not taken.

Again we experience some 'plot fogginess' where the events just don't feel very natural. For instance, when it's time for Luna to reign supreme while Celestia ends it for today, it's Celestia who goes to check on the commotion, not even taking the time to set the sun. I guess 'breakfast' is really important to Luna. More than the faith of the world, it seems.

The time seems to be all over the place. It doesn't help that the events are very unconnected to each other. I wouldn't know how to stack events in a chronological order. It's kind of like watching a Memento movie.

We see some more outlandish events that just feel off. Some creature giving a letter to a random guard while at the same time attempting to kill him while Celestia has one of her regular, yet secret, talks. An intense conversation, no doubt, since all the screaming doesn't phase her, yet when the guard falls down, she immediately notices.

The writing reads like an epic saga, which is awesome, but at the same time it feels very random and disconnected, which is bad.

This story was, supposedly, already edited. The grammar is decent, compared to some of the stories I've seen on this site, yet there is still work to be done.

Many of the grammatical errors could be fixed by using simple editing tools.

The perspective is something I can't get a hold on. It feels like it's all over the place. Things like:
As Celestia looked closer a figure in a neon hood could be seen watching them from the trees.
... yet nopony sees it. By whom exactly was the figure seen then? By a reader? If the latter was the case then the narrator could just tell the figure was there.

The suspension of disbelief is something that I had trouble with. I'd like to think it was because I was missing on a prequel. Zebras flying in an airship with their dark goat king who fights darkness in alicorns, and also time-travelers... It's a lot to swallow in just a few paragraphs.

A lot of stuff is happening all over the story, yet every new paragraph brings more questions than answers.

+ The story is epic and action packed.
- It's confusing.

I give this story 8/10

So far so good! I'm really looking forward to this sequel. Why? Because you last story was freaking amazing! I really enjoyed it and I am liking this one so far.
However, I am a bit fickle about this for one reason: In the past, great stories have had a history of having some very shitty sequels, but I'm putting trust and faith in you!
Good luck and keep up the fantastic work!

7992010 I can see your reasoning in that but look at Star Wars. At one time Empire Strike Back was consider just a sequel yet it still stands as one of the best Star Wars ever. I'm trying to capture the same feel with this one. With the previous story I was trying to get my footing on this style. With this one I sort of still am but hadling it better.

7991981 Well thank you for the review:pinkiehappy:. a few of the plot fogging do get better attention in later chapters. Right now I mostly setting everything up. In later chapters, there will less jumping around. As for the other problems, I'll get to fixing those as soon as I can.

an immortal creature called 'F'

So Frieza got his wish, then?

8032924 Oh shit:rainbowlaugh:, I didn't even realize I made that reference. And I'm big Dragon Ball Z fan.

So it was a good idea to lean toward the umbrum species? Truth be told, when I first wrote this scene months ago, I original planned to have her as a dark alicorn. I changed her species to umbrum at first because I was worried about fans calling her a mary sue before I could even work on her character. However later I grew to like the idea of her being an umbrum because of it such a rarely used species.

Hmm, I may consider that for a later part in the saga, since she is Twilight’s rival in this saga and there are other stuff she will doing in the overall universe of stories. Though I wouldn’t be able to pull such a thing in the current fic.

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