SleeplessBrony
Joined 12th Oct, 2011 ·
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This is a triumph. I'm making a note here: Huge success.
Lemons are only good when they're written with class, and this fic has a lot of class. Five stars.
Um....WOW. This is really good. Though I have to ask, why is Cherrilee and possibly Pinkie Pie dead in this? It's not right.
I also loved how Rarity reacted not only two spike having two you know whats, but also being able to go on as long as he wants.
Ever notice that no one uses their real username when commenting on a clopfic no matter the subject or how well it's written.
That being said, you took a popular shipping pair and whereas most people would have gone straight to the nitty gritty and made a straight forward clopfic, you created something deeper and meaningful. Instead of making the filthiest story imaginable you sir built it up, threw in some light comedy, gave it true emotional pathos, created a breathing world and actually made the reader care about those involved in said relationship. Yes, it has the standard gratuitous sex scene associated with the rating. However, to call it just a clopfic would be an insult to you.
Side note: Please chop this story up into smaller chapters to avoid scaring future readers away.
Peace Out.
To summarize: I loved it. Immensely.
33482
Doesn't worry me in the slightest.
Absolutely wonderful. Writing was great, emotions and humor all well presented.
33482
This actually is my Username, I'm just not registered to FiMFiction.
SleeplessBrony you are...just....amazing. The way you write your characters is so unbelievably convincing, the way they convey their feelings is just wonderful. Everything feels right, nothing contrived. Few people can hold my attention enough to read 20k words in one go. Every bit as well written as RR.
Minor minor typo "They’re eyes meet and they both look away instantly"
Wow. I don't think I have much to add that hasn't already been said. You are just an incredible writer. Your stories should be published as books or something. Seriously, you should look into it.
Also, I'm slightly curious as to what happened to the rest of the mane six in this story. I will admit you did a wonderful job of keeping the details of that minor, while still sating the more pressing questions. At the right times too, without it feeling forced. Like, for instance, not explicitly revealing it was Pinkie Pie who died until later. Can we hear anything about them as they are in this universe as far as you've thought them out?
Thank you for writing this.
SO MUCH!
Five stars. All of them well earned. I'd give you a sixth, but...
Im going to be honest... I think clop-fics ruin my innocence and are the true face of depravity.
But I'm going to favorite this because it is really entertain.
..in a non-sextual way..
....
I really hope you consider a sequel to this story.. maybe something about how Rarity other past suitors react to Spike and Spikes reaction to Rarity being a whore in the past.
Dammint now I have a piture in my head about Spike going all possesive on her...
Great story....Your going to hell though.
Don't worry though all the decent one go there anyway....see you there
Holy shit, SleeplessBrony you are a GOD
Sooo..... sequel plz, maybe even have him either make find or craft an engagement ring or something when he gets back from some aggressive diplomatic mission with twilight
Sooo..... sequel plz, maybe even have him either make find or craft an engagement ring or something when he gets back from some aggressive diplomatic mission with twilight
Stupid smartphones taking too long to show up text whatever happened to the mobile version of this site
A damn fine romance. Loved the part with Rarity being curious about Twilight and Spikes duties to the princess. Thanks for the great read.
Wait what about sweetybell she had to hear shrieks moans and stuff like dat even if she were asleep
Hey, you gave Spike a hemi too! Good to see I'm not the only one!
I seriously need some writing lessons.
I do believe Shrinky Frod put it best. That story was all kinds of awesome
I do believe Shrinky Frod put it best. That story was all kinds of awesome
Again, obviously an excellent job. I don't need to tell you, though, since there are obviously so many others praising you for me.
Few things:
1) USE COMMAS IN DIALOG. Too often, I see this:
"I'm sorry.” She says.
It should be
"I'm sorry," she says.
Remember that if you use a period, the phrase that comes after it will be read like a complete sentence. Same goes for interior monologue. Instead of:
No, it can't be like that. She thought.
You would say:
No, it can't be like that, she thought.
2) Watch the tense
She's resting against him now, comfortable in her fresh bed. She tossed her bathrobe off right away – the whole bed is warm, heat wafting into her from his rising and falling chest.
This is past tense intermingled with present tense. DON'T DO THAT!
Also, it's jarring when you suddenly switched to past tense in the final scene. If you're going to do that, at least make the entire scene last in past tense, instead of switching back to present halfway through.
3) Clarification
“Heh...not really. Twilight asked me once to...”
He jolts and stammers, rubbing the back of his neck. Rarity shakes her head, blinking.
“...What?!”
“Duh...I mean...jeez, she's gonna kill me. She made me promise not to tell.”
Rarity just gawks at him.
“I guess this is payback for when she told everyone I had a crush on you, huh?”
Rarity continues to gawk at him.
“...What?!”
“It was...it was right after. You know.”
Rarity's mouth snaps shut.
“...oh.” She says. “Oh my.”
By putting that first bold line in there, it makes it sound like you've switched subjects and are now talking about Twilight telling everyone about Spike's crush. I did a double-take a few times before I realized Rarity and Spike were still talking about what Twilight asked. When I read the second bold line, I imagined Pinkie Pie inside the mirror, telling Twilight she shouldn't have spilled the beans about Spike. It didn't make much sense.
4) Ellipses
This is a personal preference. I used to type my ellipses the way you do now, but many of the reviewers, pre-readers, and more sophisticated writers prefer to put a space after each ellipse. I've adopted that technique myself and find that it works quite well.
One advantage of adding a space is that if you have a long list of single words broken only by ellipses, the computer will treat this as one word. However, if you place a space after each ellipse, the computer will naturally break them up and "wrap" the line to look much cleaner.
I'm usually not one for reading the more mature oriented writing, but i have to say now that i've read this one i might start looking for more, very well writen and thought out.
If you could, more stories (of diffrent pairings) would be very much appreciated
...Wow........... That was Great!!!!!
beautifully detailed, well written, and an almost poetic ending. i could picture Teenage Spike as clear as day when reading this.
i felt so sorry for twilight... *sniff* i would literally pay you to write a sequel if wasn't already broke
That was amazing. TY for the great read
BRAVO BRAVO you are clearly a writer with beauty in your heart and lust in you lower region. i say much luck to you in all your goals.
Yours are the only clopfics I read completely.
But it's more than just a clopfic. It feels alive, on it's own.
umm... wow *blushes*
Well that was just great. Romance Reports and now this? You are a very delightful artist.
Glorious.
60438
What that guy said.
I have linked this in the MCF thread due to a well done writing job!
Good work on your part and much embarrasment ensues due to the, lets just say "Messy" parts XD
Damn that was superb
amazing piece of work i D'awwwwwed and the end with the list part 
The clop itself doesn't even give this a place in my top 10 clop-fics, but the story behind it puts it at atleast 5th place. Kudos to you for being one of the few to add more story than sex to a clop-fic.
What the fuck? The story says Cheerilee dies, and people on the comments are saying Pinkie Pie dies, can SOMEONE FUCKING EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED?
Reads the part about cupcakes.*
HOW THE FUCK...DID THIS HAPPEN...WHERE'S CHEERILEE IN ALL OF THIS...WHAT...THE....FUCK!!!
Has a massive heart attack.*
'Nuff said.
Wha...? What happened to the rating? This was at 5.0 for the longest time, and now it's down below 4? How? Spike/Rarity fans who went looking for stories after "Secrets of My Excess" and didn't expect this?
This was a triumph
Making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS
Finally a word between the issues!
I was forgotten,
I was left. Alone. Too long.
Then you came and washed away my sadness.
Heart of my hearts,
Made up of scale, and bone, and tears.
Don't go away just come and stay beside me.
Stay beside me.
stay beside me.
I don't want to be alone.
poetry!
Poetry is as poetry does! You my good friend deserve a hulking heap of praise. I bow before you and wish to finish reading the rest of your works.
PS!!!! CHEESE!
CHEESE!
I bow my head. A great read.
Fantastic modifications. Gets better eveytime I read it.
Oooooh. I just re-read this after you made the modifications. I had actually forgotten how incredibly powerful this story is. The part with Rarity wearing the gem that Spike gave her was really sweet. And that whole awkward teenager part, after Spike confesses his love, but before the sex... Some parts of that are just so funny. You add a little bit of every element in your stories to make a perfect mix of imagination fuel. Please continue writing, SleeplessBrony, so we may further enjoy the wonderful worlds you think of.
I don't understand how this can only be three stars.
There's something about your stories that conveys emotion very well, and I really enjoy that. Thank you.
Um, I think in the re-formatting you may have accidentally center-aligned the entire story. It's... not very readable, that way.
72387
Fixed. Very weird, apparently the "import from google docs" option adds a bunch of
tags in random places.
72441
Ha! That's what I get for commenting on no sleep at all.
72444
It's almost like a meta-commentary on the tag snafu itself.
Now go get some rest. :P