• Member Since 12th Oct, 2011
  • offline last seen Monday

SleeplessBrony


T
Source

Twilight Sparkle decides to share the magic of s'mores and slumber parties with all five of her friends . However, no night can be perfect as Twilight quickly becomes disturbed at the language displayed by her friends. Can she keep her mouth shut, or will she bite off more than she can chew?

Super-secret super-entry for THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLECOLTS.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 44 )

That was truly awesome nice work:pinkiehappy:

By star swirl the beardeds left nut that was a warm and heartfelt story:twilightsheepish:

:applejackunsure:

Decent enough characterization, but I don't understand the point of the story.

Good and funny. Had more depth than just a stupid comedy.

Well done! :pinkiehappy:

Silver out!

was that luna part in the end there for somthing? are you planning on continuing it? btw nice story anyway

OF COURSE Twilight would take her offense, Celestia practically raised her! They might as well have been taking in vain the name of Twilight's MOTHER.

1038275

IMHO it shows the culture clash that still exists between Twilight and her friends.

Awesome! Great story, very funny parts, and amazing writing! Keep up the good work!:twilightsmile:

I'm not sure I know quite what I just read, but I liked it.
I liked it a lot.
Thank you.
That is all.
Journcy Out.
:twilightsmile:

Huh, and here I thought I'd be reading a comedy about not taking God's name in vain. I liked this. The bit with Luna felt somewhat useless other than for comedic relief, but after a while I see it's important for the closure. Also, BatLuna plz

That was really good. Not what I expected at all. The part with Luna didn't seem to fit with the rest of the story though.

I came into this expecting a silly little tale about ponies swearing. I ended up reading a very heartfelt and meaningful story of loss and friendship.

Not to say it wasn't funny, though. All that talk of boners made me fall out of my seat. :rainbowlaugh:

This is like a tl;dr of Breakfast Club. That's the vibe I'm getting.

Very well done. I'm going to have to go check out the rest of Sleepless's work.

NTL

That was a really great piece of writing, an awesome character study. The TwiLuna at the end felt unnecessary, but that's just a minor gripe. Good job! :twilightsmile:

This is a story that starts as one thing, turns into something different, and then just as it's about to end, turns into a yet third one.

And yet, it works. It doesn't so much flow as lurch from one theme to another, but it does so in the way real life sometimes does. And the result is good.

Luna's intrusion and the implied shipping was a very bad call which ruined an otherwise fine story with real emotional weight.

Why would you do that!?

1038223

Oh my Celestia, double comment!:pinkiegasp:

Lols :rainbowlaugh: and feels :applecry:. How did you do that? It's too good!:pinkiehappy:

I started reading this thinking it was a comedy about cursing. But damn did it take a dark turn...and a really weird one at the end.:twilightoops:

That "Suddenly; Luna!" at the end really threw me off... Feels a little out of place unless this is supposed to fit into something bigger...

...which is why I'm starting to wonder... Romance Reports Alternate alternate ending? :pinkiehappy:

Because I really love the way you write Luna. Just mischievous enough to be cute and just mysterious enough to be interesting. I would love seeing something like that! :twilightsmile:

Few stories actually manage to make me laugh, but this one did.
And then it made me feel sorta sad, and then warm and fuzzy on the inside, which is even more rare.
Magna Laude.

This story is impressive for two main reasons: one, it successfully conveys dissonance (in terms of culture and upbringing) between the Mane Six and secondly - importantly - it barely registers above anything you might see in an episode of FiM.

In other words, you've successfully conveyed complex, adult themes in such a way that you haven't necessarily made it so outlandishly Alternative Universe that it's difficult to see how the characters arrived at that point.

The end was an interesting twist!

By Celestia's sweaty tampons! I demand you give me a twiluna fic... That curse would tick twilight into her rage form. White coat, glowing eyes, flaming mane and tail, that form. :3

Uh... They're outside roasting marshmallows when they suddenly walk "outside" through a balcony door? The story description feels a little inconsistent with the story.

That got serious quickly.

I liked it.

1050172
I didn't write the original description. I've taken the liberty of tweaking it a bit.

1038384103883810402001040423 And everyone else who was like, "LUNA WHAT?!?!?!"
If I may make pathetic excuses, this was an entry for a... uh... thing. Not a contest, but I was writing under a deadline and this is what happened. I agree that the ending was rushed, and I may, at some point in the future, spruce it up a bit.

Thanks for reading!

*headshake*

How do you do it, Sleepless? How do you make something even this.... I don't know.... frivolous? Silly?... anyways. How do you make your characters feelings matter? I try and it always comes out hollow (my dialogue has in the past been described as "wooden") but when I read your stories, and some of my other favorite authors, it just clicks. you or they could be writing a story along the lines of "Twilight decides to magic herself some superpowers, complete with anime transformation sequence, and saves Celestia from a horny Diamond Dog and then has a celebratory orgy with all her friends" and somehow despite my desperate longing to hate it on principle I'd get attached somehow. :derpyderp2:

Either way, keep writing. I love your work. And have a mustache. :moustache:

So! You made me get teary-eyed with intensely good writing in record time, and then you top it off with a twiluna?
YOU SPOIL ME :trollestia:

Ending was excellent - I love the characterization. I think the "it doesn't fit" complaints might stem from a general lack of obvious overall aesop to the story... I'm not sure if that's an issue. I quite enjoy the open-endedness.

That was an excellent story. :twilightsmile: The TwiLuna at the end was cute, but I agree with others who've said it felt a little out of place at the end of such a short self-contained work.

I found a couple of minor errors:

Twilight feels nothing of her previous anger - in her mind, curiosity always wins out.

That's in present tense, while the rest of the story is in past tense.

She dove to the telescope mounted on the balcony’s railing, fiddling with various nods along its side.

Should be "knobs" instead of "nods."

1038211 second is best human?

1038275 This is the magic of Slice of Life stories. Sleepless' writing makes it all better.

This raises a point that I would like to see addressed in FiM fanfictions more often. To most ponies, Celestia is this near-mythical figure of power, wisdom and magic. To Twilight, she's a teacher, something of a substitute mother figure and (although she'd never admit it to herself), a friend. Years of practically living in Celestia's lap means that Twilight simply doesn't see the Goddess of the Sun anymore and I think it sometimes disturbs her to see her teacher and friend being blamed (or thanked) for everything that happens in the world, even when she knows that Celestia had nothing to do with it.

This is a disconnect, between the Goddess and the beloved teacher and friend, that I'd like to see addressed more often. Twilight is simply going to be looking at Celestia (and Luna too, as Luna Eclipsed proved) in a way that no-one else seems to. I can imagine Twilight playing with Luna with all the other ponies in a state of horror at the informal way she is treating The Goddess of the Night!

With regard to Applejack, I also suspect that her informal way of dealing with Celestia is, at least in part, a product of her rural upbringing. When life is one long hard endeavour just to survive, then one is somewhat less likely to treat anypony, even one as powerful as Celestia, with unnusual reverence. Although Applejack is naturally aware of Celestia's political and religious role, when she sees the Sun Princess, she first and foremost sees her friend Twilight's mentor and friend, the prankster who set her and her friends up to wreck the Gala for the Lulz.

I have to admit I was slightly confused here.

1) Twilight gets angry at her friends for abusing Celestia's name. Religious zealot, much? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png
Incidentally:

By the sun on Celestia’s RUMP!

It's brilliant, I'm so using that. :pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh:

2) Let's start TwiDash? Ha you wish, let's shove RariJack up your throat. It's much better choice, I admit, but the transition was much too... violent? Sudden? I'm not sure. I wish I could be more specific sometimes. :facehoof: Anyway, there were times I felt just as Twilight on the balcony--misplaced and wishing I was not there. If that's the emotion you wanted to convey--great job, you pulled it off perfectly! :pinkiecrazy:

3) Suddenly Luna! Holy sh*t where did she come from?
"THOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL WE GRACED THOU WITH OUR PRESENCE, THOU UNGRATEFUL WHELP!"
Celestia, help me.
"Yeah, so anyways we just thought we visited Ponyville for a quick apple. Thou knowest..." dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png
Khem, right. :facehoof:

So, if you had not enough of RariJack, I present you--TwiLuna. And all is well, but it does feel rushed a bit, as you admitted yourself here: 1053742. :twilightblush:

Overall: not a bad read, but those 3 (or 4) parts are visibly separated; they don't seem to form a coherent story together.

Then again, who am I to criticize the writer of your caliber? :twilightblush: Maybe I just don't get it. If so, pay my rattle no heed. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png

Augh, how'd you do that. I love the way you handle Applejack's parents. You just add a depth to her character that most other people can't manage. I really like that. And I like the play on Celestia as a pesudo-religious figure. It's very silly and thought-provoking at the same time. The story seemed to jump around a lot but it feels... genuine? I've had nights like this. Conversations getting derailed by stuff. It doesn't feel unnatural. And I have to admit, I do kind of like seeing a glimpse into what a Luna/Twilight relationship might be like. Those ponies are too cute together.

Well, I didn't expect any feels. But that's what I got. kudos.

Another wonderful short story. I really liked how you switched the tone on the fly like that.

Also, despite what others say, I think Luna showing up was like an AU to 'Romance Reports'. At least, that makes sense to me.:twilightsheepish:

Impeccable grammar. But....but, is your steam generator broken? Or is in for repairs? The Sahara desert has more humidity. :ajsleepy:

PresentPerfect
Author Interviewer

It's not often you see a story move so seamlessly from goofy, off-the-wall idea to emotional introspection. Well, and then into random and somewhat unnecessary shipping, but we'll ignore that for the moment.

The passage that goes from “What about us earth ponies?” to "Applejack growled." is probably one of the best exchanges I've ever read in fanfiction. I think maybe I just love watching the mane six behave like a bunch of drunk sorority girls (which is to say, like drunken frat boys, but female). I'm also rather caught by the idea that, while you put a great spin on Super Speedy Cider Squeezy's letter, this has all the earmarks of a season 1 fic, in the ways that you approach the world and the characters.

This story is, I believe, right up my alley. :)

By Celestia's Name, that was a good story. Very bittersweet, and still able to get some good-hearted chuckles out of it. Very good job. I don't give out favorites lightly, and this is definitely one of them. :twilightsmile:

I was reading this story off my dropbox, so I spent most of it guessing at the tags.

I was wrong on all counts.

Anyways, very enjoyable read. The TwiLuna seemed a little random at the end, but I liked the rest of it :twilightsmile:

Login or register to comment