Ravvij
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Sorry it took so long to get around to reading this chapter but real world stuff got in the way so I couldn’t read it right away. It was pretty good for a first chapter and it’s always nice to read a Fallout Equestria stories that start out in a stable for a chapter or two. Although, I don’t think the main character is supposed to level up until after they leave the stable. There were some minor grammar errors here and there but nothing an editor or a reread couldn’t fix. Here are some of the ones that were worth mentioning to you in my opinion.
I can’t wait to read the next chapter and I hope to read it soon. Oh, if you like, I could help out as one of your editors if you would like some help. If you don’t want any help and want to do it by yourself then that’s cool too. Just thought I’d ask is all.
This line could be worded better. It’s written so it sounds like the pain starts at her wrist and then goes down to her hoof only for it to go back up her leg. From personal experience on hitting limbs on something hard, That’s not how pain travels.
The word “of” should be “or the” right there.
There is a small inconsistency right here. Originally, you said that she had a “bleach-blond” mane and tail but then you said her mane and tail were “orange and yellow”. Bleach blond isn’t the same shade as ordinary yellow so either the second mane/tail description needs to be changed or the first one dose.
Personally, I like the second one with the orange and yellow. Although, if you go with that one you’d need to describe what that looks like (If it’s yellow with an orange stripe or something like that).
Wait, what?
I think you forgot to finish this part. What is “to ta to” suppose to mean?
Wait, didn’t you introduce Back Ice as a Maintenance pony? How is she now working for Stable Security?
Normally a character only gets one job in a Stable/Vault unless certain circumstances are explained beforehand. This normally takes place when the character’s setup is being established at the beginning. A small example would be when you wrote that she was working in maintenance killing bugs. Throwing in that she also works for Stable Security near the end of the chapter is a bit jarring and seems to come out of nowhere. Maybe if you had her thinking about how she has to secretly watch over her best friend around or near the time she’s doing her maintenance job or maybe even when she’s eating breakfast, then it wouldn’t seem so random. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it should be clearly written in a way (at or near the beginning) that shows that she has two jobs and why, so your readers don’t get confused about what she does in the stable.
Wait, I just got done reading the first chapter I had pulled up from awhile ago. Where did it go? I'm so confused.
The prologue was intense but it still had some grammar errors in it here and there. If you go back and reread it then I’m sure you’ll see them. If the prologue disappeared after I post this too then I’ll know that I've gone nuts.
6199709 It turns out that I had some pretty critical errors with the character. I'm doing another rewrite of the first chapter and this time I'm going to make it 5 star quality if it kills me.
it’s a good start. I can't wait to read the rest of it!
Ok, please allow me to be a little blunt. You have a very good writing skill (even if you really need an editor, indeed), and the story and the characters have good promise, but your choice of perks for your protagonist, paired with the way you handle their exposition, will most probably drive many, if not most, potential readers away.
Now as to why.
Introduction and Prologue were intense, all right. They had some vague bad things happen to the protagonist in their youth. They introduced a stable where things are less peachy than they seem to be. I can say very truly it actually gripped my attention and made me anticipate the fic proper. Luna bugger me if I'm lying when I say that I actually want pretty intensely to read the fic that the intro and prologue have promised.
And then the first chapter have suddenly become a pretty tedious slice-of-life oddly interspersed with odd bits of Mary Sue-like expositions that you keep blindsiding the unsuspecting reader with.
Ok, the first part where the protagonist cannot sleep looking for monsters in the shadows aligns well with the Intro and Prologue.
Then BAM suddenly a glowing red eye that can see in the total dark!
Ok... moving on, some nitty-gritty of the Stable life, squashing some rad-roaches, barfing up, etc. etc.
Then BAM a bass guitar!
Ok, ok... the protagonist is apparently a skilled player of an instrument procured from Luna knows where, and enjoys playing it. We got it.
Then BAM the protagonist actually works double duty as a shadow guardian-enforcer (and seemingly double as a possible assassin/saboteur, for some reason) for the Overmare!
So yeah...
Sorry, but burying the Mary Sue-ish blindsides among a meander of unnecessary detail is not going to placate the readers. The eye in itself is almost a bit too much already. The guitar... damn, it COULD work on its own, just because of how out of place and peculiar it is, if it was there by itself as the only "special feature" of the character. It can even play well with the eye... thing... if the latter wasn't a blatant perk (night vision), and if the eye was introduced much later in the chapter, actually.
But the shadow enforcer training is, through and through, the last nail in the coffin. I pretty much guarantee you most of the readers will never return to the fic after this, just because all those skills you've listed for the pony make any confrontation or problem you could possibly throw at them trivial, short of the gates of Tartarus itself opening on the lower levels of Stable 6 (which, seemingly, may be what is actually happening, considering the demon-eyes and multiple-horns-sprouting).
Ok... now, I know it's probably not the first thing you would think of after reading me rip into the first chapter of your fic like I've done above, but I'll be glad to actually serve as a permanent editor, idea-tester and proofreader for you, if you would like me to. Fo:E sidefic writer newbies should stick together, you know! I understand that I don't have any of my own fics on FimFiction yet, but that's admittedly because I'm more of a (proof)reader, world-builder and literary critic myself.
Just don't expect me to be coddling
But, that said, I'll be glad if you choose to return the favor and rip my own first drafts to shreds, when I finally get to write anything 
6224942 Given this review, no wonder this story has a negative vote count.
6975597 He's right though. I may have to reboot the whole thing again. I've gotten much better than when I wrote this.
6977434
6975597
I am actually quite sorry about posting it like that. I don't think the critique was wrong, but dishing it out in public was. I should have been more sensitive to how the delivery of the message may have an unintended negative impact.
I should probably just replace it with some placeholder saying that critique was moved to private.
It's a year scince this one has been updated.
7280608 Yeah. I'm working out a few kinks in the story and planning more stuff. I don't mean for it to take this long, but with how busy I've been with school and work I haven't seen much time to update it.
7282061 Summer feries soon. I have hope.
Also why this does have so many dislikes? I understand the chapter should be a little longer but I think it's the people beeing frustrated abaut it beeing only a beggining for now.
7283047 Because I used to have a chapter-1 and it sucked pretty badly. I'm rewriting it... again.
7283266 It kindda reminds me of a Fallout Equestria idea I had a while ago where the main characters would be foals keept in medical
quarantine in a Stable and the bust out at some point because of a plague spreading inside. Or something like that.
7283348 that's not at all how this is going to go. The prologue is a teaser and everything that happens in it will be explained later.
7285308 The better. I try to roll out my idea one day.
Christ! What a prologue. I'm definitely keeping an eye on this.
Why was this cancelled?
9308865
I sucked at writing when I wrote this the first two times... like, I sucked really badly. I still want to do this story, I've just got too much going on right now to actually sit down and write it out.
9308905
In the case that you do finally continue this, will you edit the first two chapters, start over, or continue with chapter 3?
9618608
I need to edit the first two chapters... so, most likely it'll get a reboot. I've got ideas for this and how I want it to go, I'm just not entirely sure how I want to go about making them.
Just found this. Interesting story. Looking forward to seeing more.
11426968
I want to get back to this story so badly, I look forward to more from this story, too.