• Member Since 11th Jan, 2016
  • offline last seen Mar 3rd, 2018

Hazuki Shimizu

Game Dev, Reviewer, Artist, Singer...what can't I do? (Also dis be Clemmie and Glace)



Leila was abandoned by her family and friends in her old life in Manehatten she must now switch to a new life in Ponyville where everything is calm and friendships are born but the problem is she has depression and her abusive former mother which are two barriers she has to over come will she find love and friendship or will she forever stay abandoned and alone.
Image by me...

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 27 )

“Hi how are you?” I didn’t say anything I just looked at them then a cat climb on the bed and layed on lap and she purred I giggled.

Okay so, I'm definitely hopeful for this story, but there are a few oddities.
In this paragraph, for example, there are no commas separating anything, which makes it a bit exhausting.
Also, it would be "...a cat climbs on the bed..." not just climb.
You've got a good setup, though, so keep at it! :raritywink:

This is good so far, but there are a lot of errors. Just proofread it and try to fix it as much as possible. This story really has potential, and if you fix the errors, it could be really awesome! :rainbowdetermined2:


“O...okay…” I start to look at his face his charming face.
“Done...phew…you are a strong one I could feel it when I was healing you” she sits down and I start fall forward.
“Leila?” he catches me I start to drift off...and I feel his tears drop on my face
“Don’t you leave me!”I slowly start to drift off more and more
“NO DON’T YOU SAY THAT!”I start to see darkness then everything went black.


The story is off to a good start, but the description looks like an afterthought. The description is the 1st thing readers see, so it has to be perfect. I shall help:

> “Leila was abandoned by her family and friends, in her old life, in Manehatten. She must now switch to a new life in Ponyville, where everything is calm and friendships are born; but the problem is, she has depression and her former mother was abusive. ¡She must overcome these 2 problems! ¿Will she find love and friendship or will she forever stay abandoned and alone?”

You may not want to use the style I use:

* I deliberately violated the rule against using numerals instead of words for numbers. Frankly, this rule exists for making students learn to spell the words for numbers. Usability-Research shows that it is much easier for readers to find facts and figures embedded in paragraphs if one uses numerals because numerals look different from letters and are thus, easier to find.

* Some believe that inverted punctuation (“⸘Interrobangs‽”, “¿Question-Marks?”, and “¡Exclamation-Points!”) are overkill, but I personally believe that if something is worth doing, it is worth overdoing.

I would rewrite the blurb thus:

> “Leila, a young filly from Manehatten, must try to switch from an energetic city-life, to a calm town-life; while battling her depression, and her past.”

I which clam to calm, hyphenated words, and inserted missing punctuation. Indeed, if anything, it is over-punctuated now.

5895722 I was thinking about writing a Aftermath that's why it still says incomplete

5897604 It means its a beautiful, touching story :heart:

Needs proper punctuation, bit really good

(Cries for three minutes) :heart:

I liked this story.

5989436 thank you! I try to do my best

Interesting story you have here.
Although, like a few other people have suggested, it could use a good proof reading.

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