Game Dev, Reviewer, Artist, Singer...what can't I do? (Also dis be Clemmie and Glace)
Leila was abandoned by her family and friends in her old life in Manehatten she must now switch to a new life in Ponyville where everything is calm and friendships are born but the problem is she has depression and her abusive former mother which are two barriers she has to over come will she find love and friendship or will she forever stay abandoned and alone.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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What?
Okay so, I'm definitely hopeful for this story, but there are a few oddities.
In this paragraph, for example, there are no commas separating anything, which makes it a bit exhausting.
Also, it would be "...a cat climbs on the bed..." not just climb.
You've got a good setup, though, so keep at it!
5888091 thank you
This is good so far, but there are a lot of errors. Just proofread it and try to fix it as much as possible. This story really has potential, and if you fix the errors, it could be really awesome!
So far so good.
Well shit.
5892137 what?
5892141
that.
5892159 oh...
5892114 thank you
The story is off to a good start, but the description looks like an afterthought. The description is the 1st thing readers see, so it has to be perfect. I shall help:
You may not want to use the style I use:
* I deliberately violated the rule against using numerals instead of words for numbers. Frankly, this rule exists for making students learn to spell the words for numbers. Usability-Research shows that it is much easier for readers to find facts and figures embedded in paragraphs if one uses numerals because numerals look different from letters and are thus, easier to find.
* Some believe that inverted punctuation (“⸘Interrobangs‽”, “¿Question-Marks?”, and “¡Exclamation-Points!”) are overkill, but I personally believe that if something is worth doing, it is worth overdoing.
I would rewrite the blurb thus:
I which clam to calm, hyphenated words, and inserted missing punctuation. Indeed, if anything, it is over-punctuated now.
*Smiles*
5895722 I was thinking about writing a Aftermath that's why it still says incomplete
5897546 ?
5897604 It means its a beautiful, touching story
5897657 oh thanks
5897666 Anytime :)
Needs proper punctuation, bit really good
(Cries for three minutes)
5954826 thanks?
5955103 It's a compliment.
5955233 okay Thanks
I liked this story.
5989436 thank you! I try to do my best
Interesting story you have here.
Although, like a few other people have suggested, it could use a good proof reading.
6160194 yeah